A/N: Thank you all so much for your reviews last! They all mean the world to me! I'm glad that I haven't ran anyone off. I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Xoxo.
Bonnie used to pride herself upon being an A student. She was the valedictorian of her high school class, she got a scholarship to get into college, her major was business, and she wanted to own her own one day. The only thing was that she didn't know exactly what kind of business she wanted to run. But she felt during her college journey she would figure it out. She had an amazing grandmother that was both a mother and a father to her during her childhood. She had amazing friends that she couldn't get enough of. Anyone would deem her happy; hell she was happy. It didn't matter that she had a drunk for a dad who could be a little abusive on his good day, or that she didn't have much money in her account, but she didn't let her troubles shape who she was building herself up to be.
And then she got to college and started off doing really well. She roomed with her best friends, she made the Dean's list, and she even went to a few campus events and enjoyed herself.
But then out of nowhere it just changed. And a part of her should have seen it coming right? She went to a party with one of her best friends and made the speech 'you only live once,' and then she found herself partaking in things she never thought of doing in her life. A few drinks here and there was always something she planned to do. Hell, she even planned on getting shit face drunk when she turned 21, but resorting in drugs? That wasn't her, and she didn't want it to be. But then she found herself back out again, reliving the same moments. Except the next time she was sleeping with her professor. At the time she found him to be this gorgeous, amazing, mature man that gave her the time of day. He made her feel beautiful, carefree, sexy…. just like the drugs. It got to the point where Shane and the drugs became one in the same.
And with that, she went down a destructive path that she never wanted to stray away from. But now that she was off that path, she didn't know what to feel… what to believe. Her mind was constantly racing with memories that she would never be able to get away from. Her body felt as if sometimes it wasn't her own. And though she was able to have people be patient with her as she received the help she needed, would her therapy one-on-one and group sessions really be enough? Will her comfort from her new found friend direct her to continue to stay on the right path? Did she seek guidance, tranquility? Would she be able to go back to the girl she was three years ago when everything made sense?
No, she wouldn't.
To be honest, no one really could. When traumatic life moments happen, people tend to change; eventually they tend to grow.
Bonnie wanted that… change. But she wanted more than just that.
Especially right now.
Right now, she wanted her skin to stop feeling like it was burning. She wanted the bugs that were only a figure of her imagination to stop crawling all over her skin…through her hair. She wanted the dust that wasn't really there to come out of her eyes. Her lungs were tight, making her feel like she was suffocating. She hated it. She hated when she felt this way…. when it would sneak up on her.
Her nurse was with her now, trying to help her… calm her down. Bonnie's knuckles had grown white from the grip she had on her nurse's hands. But her comfort wasn't enough. If they would just give her something…. let her inhale through her nose one more time, she knew it would all go away.
The detox they gave her during her first few weeks was full of shit. It didn't help her. It was pointless. She tried catching her breath, as her words struggled out of her mouth, "I-I need… please… g-give m-me…I n-need…."
"Bonnie it's going to be okay, you just need to concentrate on your breathing."
"Give me my fucking drugs you bitch." She spat out, spitefully.
Her words didn't affect her nurse at all, because she had been working there for fifteen years now and has experienced worse patience than Bonnie. "Breathe with me, Bonnie. Concentrate on a specific thing that brings you peace and focus on that."
"You want to know what brings me p-peace?" She shivered, a little too uncontrollably, "Con-contentment? Do you? Because I d-don't t-think you h-have….. a needle lying a-around with some H to shoot into my blood do you?" The nurse didn't answer. "I d-didn't t-think so."
"You don't need that Bonnie."
Bonnie's attention quickly averted towards the door. Damon was standing in the entrance, "I got it from here, Patricia."
Patricia turned around, and even though she was twice his age, and helped him when he was a patient here, a small blush still snuck among her cheeks. But, crazy reactions aside, she had been doing this job for a while and was professionally trained to deal with people in Bonnie's case.
"With all due respect, Damon, Bonnie needs extensive care…."
"I know Patricia and you know just as well as I do, that I'm also trained." Damon's voice was level but there was also a hint of authority within it. He didn't want to use it against Patricia because he valued her, and she was a really big part of his recovery. But, he wanted to be able to handle Bonnie's condition and help her through it. Sometimes familiarity was needed when dealing with recovery, and though he hadn't been a part of Bonnie's past, he was one of the only ones that she opened up too.
Patricia gave Bonnie a warm smile, before standing up and walking towards Damon. She then whispered, "If I didn't like you Damon or if you didn't donate a lot of money here, I would have your ass thrown out of here…. therapist or not…"
Damon couldn't help but let a soft smile plaster to his lips, as she walked out leaving him alone with Bonnie.
When Damon put down his bag, he walked over and occupied the same chair that Patricia was sitting in. When he held Bonnie's hands in his own, her eyes connected with his. Was it wrong to think she was still beautiful even with the sweat dripping from her face and her hair mattered to her forehead?
"E-Easier…." Bonnie muttered. "D-does it g-get easier…."
He moved the stray hair from her forehead, "Of course it does. Look at me…"
Before he could say anything else, she started thrashing a little, "B-bugs…. are back. Get them off!" Bonnie's skin was crawling, like she was thrown in a pit of roaches and fire ants. "Please…."
"Bonnie… look at me," He sat on her bed in front of her, and gently grabbed her face to bring her attention to him, "Concentrate on my voice…. hear my voice…."
Her hands instantly clenched tightly onto his shoulders. She gripped him so hard that it was as if she were trying to instill her pain into him.
"This will pass. Do you hear me? This will pass."
They didn't know whether minutes or hours passed, but somewhere during it all, Bonnie was able to calm down. Her lips quivered, her body shook slightly, and her head felt like hammers were nailing into her skull. But her skin wasn't crawling anymore.
And when she realized that her hands were still in Damon's, she slowly removed them and leaned back against the headboard.
"Feeling better?" He asked, sitting back in the chair, hoping that he didn't make her feel uncomfortable.
"Define better?" She pulled her knees close to her chest.
"No more bugs but a headache from hell."
She nodded slowly. "I thought you were cancelled for today?" When she started having her little episode earlier, Patricia cancelled with Damon because she was in no place to meet with her therapist.
"If a cancellation was going to happen it was going to be because of me." He spoke with a defiance and authority, yet his voice was calm and collected.
She would have smiled, hell, she wanted too, but her body wouldn't allow it. "Patricia must think I'm a psycho bitch." She vaguely remembered cussing out the older woman who was only trying to help her.
Damon couldn't help but let a little bit of laughter rumble through his throat and out of his mouth, "Trust me, she's been through worse. And you're looking at it. I remember when I was here; she was the only one who would deal with me. Well, her and Pearl. But I would give Patricia such hell and she would still treat me like I was one of her kids or something." He then leaned back in his chair, "So, try not to stress yourself out about it. The mood swings…. its common."
She slowly nodded and took a deep breath. She was glad that she was feeling a little relief because earlier had been torture. Normally it was Rebekah who tried to bring her comfort during her withdrawals, or even Patricia who always seemed to get Bonnie's wrath. This was the first time it had been Damon, and surprisingly she didn't mind. She didn't feel the need to cuss him out and throw things; he calmed her.
"Since you're here, do we start our session now?" she only asked, because she really didn't want to move from her bed, but she knew that it wasn't allowed to have therapy sessions in your room.
"It's up to you; if you feel like it. And we can do it here if you don't want to move."
"Is that allowed?"
It wasn't, but Damon didn't really care. "It is now."
"Well, I'm ready when you are. I'll wait until you get your notepad out of your man purse."
Damon looked at her, and noticed the small smile plastered on her face, as she made a joke. It was actually refreshing to see, even though the joke was on him. "This is not a man purse; it's a state of the art, one of a kind, leather briefcase knapsack."
Laughter escaped Bonnie's lips, "Yes and in your case, a man purse."
Her laughter caused him to halt for a mere moment as he retrieved his note pad and pen from his 'man purse'. This was the first time he heard her laugh and it literally opened up a new meaning to the word beautiful. In that slight moment, it was almost as if she didn't have any troubles.
He wanted to make her laugh again.
But he had to show some type of professionalism today. "What would you like to discuss today. Do you want to begin where you left off yesterday?"
In that instant it was as if they didn't share a comical carefree moment at all, as a solemn expression appeared on her face. "Not much more to say. I went back to my professor because he finally started talking to me again. I let him fuck me…we snorted a couple times and I missed my test the next day. I wasn't able to make it up." When she realized she was having another mood swing, she quickly apologized.
"There is no need to apologize, Bonnie. When we have these sessions, I'm here to help you… to listen to you. I don't care if one minute you're expressing joy and the next you're pissed at the world. I did it so many times that they actually had to run test to make sure I wasn't bipolar…. which I'm not."
She took a deep breath, "I just get angry with myself more than anything. He wasn't really interested me, and yet I begged and kept going back because he gave me the time of day. Even if it was only on his terms; I felt wanted and feeling wanted by a man even if he was cruel to you, was what I accepted. It's what I felt I needed."
Past
"Bonnie you have to breathe and stop crying." Matt told his best friend, after revealing what she had done.
"I'm such an idiot!" She yelled between sobs. "I've never missed a test in my life!"
"Bonnie I'm sure you'll be able to make it up."
"No I won't Matt. I tried talking to the professor and she said no. How could I be so stupid?" It wasn't just the fact that she missed her first test of her second semester, but she also slept with Shane again and did drugs. "What the fuck is wrong with me, Matt! What am I doing?"
"Not calming down," He said, nonchalantly, and that annoyed her.
"Ugh!" she screamed, "And you don't even care! I'm out of here…"
Before she could walk out of his room, his voice stopped her, "Bons sit down. I do care, but I don't really see the big deal. You're smart; missing one test isn't going to ruin your life. I missed two last semester and failed more than that and I still passed."
She glared at him. "Is this you trying to help me?"
"What I'm saying is, you'll be fine. And sleeping with Shane again after you were crying for a week about him, I don't really get that, but if he makes you happy and you feel good with him, I don't see why not. Plus, I slept with Haley again last night, so hey, we're even."
"Why are you so calm about this?" Because it was really irritating her.
That's when Matt opened his drawer beside his bed and pulled out a small baggy with white powder in it.
"I've realized that if you're stressed, this helps." He wiggled the bag in front of her.
She rolled her eyes, "That's what got me here in the first place."
Matt shrugged. "Well, you can either feel how you're feeling now, or get like me and not care about the small shit." He then handed her the small bag and lied back on his bed.
He was feeling great and it's not that he was trying to not show consideration towards Bonnie, it was just that he couldn't find anything wrong with what she was saying. Maybe he should have, but his mood was on cloud nine.
Bonnie didn't plan on coming to Matt's dorm to sniff away her troubles, but hell, her emotions were on an overdrive and she just didn't want that feeling of being a failure clouding her mind. So, before she knew it, she was now joining him on his bed letting the effects of the drug take its course. She was just conflicted with everything right now. She was fighting with herself and she didn't know which part of her was winning. Was this reality, or was everything she was doing right now a figment of her imagination and she was still in Mystic Falls High, passing all of her classes and writing her Valedictorian speech?
But it wasn't. This was her reality. Holding hands with her best friend while she got high, sleeping with her professor twice, and missing her test. Could she really continue staying on this path?
Several minutes after considering her options she just stopped caring…. stopped thinking. Missing her test didn't matter anymore, sleeping with her professor didn't make her feel guilty, and doing drugs made her feel lifted.
1 month later…
It was Saturday afternoon. Bonnie use to value her Saturday's because it would be the first day after a long week full of classes that she would sleep in. But her Saturday's haven't been important to her for a couple of weeks now, due to the fact that she hadn't been attending class. Well, some of her classes. She was always bright and early for Shane's class, and to her, that was the most important. She wanted to make sure he knew that she valued his teaching skills and that she was always ahead of her game.
Professor Shane was an incredible teacher, in class and out. She could listen to him instruct forever. And when they were alone at his place, he taught her things she'd only witnessed in a porno or two that Matt made her watch when they were younger. He made her body do things that she didn't even think possible, putting a whole new definition to the word, flexibility.
And she loved it.
Well, the majority of the time. Sometimes when she just wanted to talk about her day or how she was feeling, she never got more than a sentence in before he was pushing aside her underwear and teasing her clitoris with his tongue or thrusting into her with his pulsating member. And then afterwards they would do a line and maybe throw down a few drinks before he sent her on her way. Sometimes she hated that. He only let her stay the night on his terms and that was probably two days out of the seven day week. But, she wasn't going to complain, the fact that he was interested and told her everyday how happy she made him, made her accept it all and follow his lead.
As she was going through her closet to see what to wear to a fraternity party she was going to with Elena, Caroline, Matt, and Tyler, she couldn't help but smile at all her new clothes she had, even if many of them were a bit risqué and revealing. Shane wanted her to look sexy and feel confident so he gave her some money to buy a new wardrobe to his approval. And she wanted to look nice for him. It got to the point that she would do anything for him.
And she meant anything.
Like a couple days ago when she went down on him after class. He cancelled his second class that day, locked the door, turned out the lights, and Bonnie found herself on her knees under his desk sucking him off. It was exciting…. that thrill of maybe getting caught. And she was happy when she made him release, and she knew he was happy when she swallowed every last drip. So, yes, she would do anything to make him happy.
When she found the perfect black dress that stopped mid-thigh and gave her no room to bend over, she pulled it out and laid it on her bed.
She then went to her night stand and pulled out the flask Haley gave her the other night. It was filled with peach Ciroc, and she found herself letting the liquid slide down her throat.
As soon as she did, a knock at her door interrupted her, and before she could say anything or hide her flask, Stefan walked in.
"Hey, Bonnie, Elena wanted to know…." He stopped mid- sentence upon seeing Bonnie putting down an alcohol flask. "A little early don't you think?" His tone wasn't accusing, it actually held a bit of concern behind it.
"I wasn't…." She paused for a moment, trying to think of what to say, "I wasn't drinking just yet. It's for tonight. A little pre-gaming." She smiled.
"Bonnie is everything alright, I haven't seen you in a while." He leaned against the door frame, taking in her appearance. Usually when he saw Bonnie, she had a certain glow to her skin, and he didn't know when he started realizing, but it was no longer there.
Bonnie smirked, "Well you don't live here, so you really wouldn't see me, now would you?"
Stefan slightly nodded, "I meant in class. Remember, we have applied calculus together, and I haven't seen you in the past three classes."
"What are you my professor now? Stefan we get to miss like five classes before we get dropped. It's alright." She then crossed her legs. "And what did Elena want? That's why you came in here right?"
"I was walking her to her internship and she wanted to know if you wanted to meet up later to get something to eat?"
"She couldn't text me?"
"She left her phone at my place, and I wanted to come by and check on you."
"How nice of you… but I'm alright. And I have plans in a few with Haley and Matt, so I may not be able to join you guys before the party."
Before Stefan could respond, another female voice filled his ears, "Did someone say my name?"
Stefan turned around to see Haley and Matt.
"The door was unlocked, so we decided to just walk in." Haley said, plopping down on Bonnie's bed. "Hey Stefan," She winked. "Ready for that test in Bio on Monday?"
"Yes," he answered. "You?"
"I'm ready for a lot of things." The sexual innuendo was not missed by either of them.
Bonnie then stood up and walked Stefan to the door, "Thanks for checking in on me, Stefan. I'm great. I'll see you tonight." And she shut the door and locked it.
Going back into her room, she witnessed Haley and Matt making out on her bed, "Okay, none of that in here."
Haley chuckled, "When you're ready to join us again Bonnie, just say the word."
"Not gonna happen." A week ago they were all at a house party completely high and intoxicated, to where they felt as if they were on a different planet. And before she knew it she was making out with Matt and Haley. It was a crazy experience, but it was college, so why not? And she knew she would never do it again. Especially when she told Shane about it, upon arriving at his place that night, he got extremely pissed , so she vowed never to do it again.
"What was Stefan doing here by the way?" Matt asked, taking the flask off of Bonnie's dresser and drinking from it.
"Playing Elena's messenger boy." Bonnie shrugged and then looked at Haley, "So, did you bring it?"
"Of course," The devious smile they were all accustomed to was plastered to her face, as she pulled out a small box from her purse.
When she opened it, they all stared at the three syringes and a small vile.
Heroin.
"Guys you are about to feel something you never thought possible."
Bonnie was a little apprehensive about trying heroin, but she knew for a fact that it would only be one time. She saw the before and after pictures on the internet and it disgusted her. And she didn't want to turn out like that. She may have not thought herself to be drop dead gorgeous, but she wasn't unattractive.
While she was lost in thought, she hadn't even realize Matt shooting up, but when the needle escaped his skin, she saw the dazed look in his eye.
"Damn," he breathed. It traveled through his bloodstream fast, making him feel light and enraptured. "Bonnie you have got to try this."
Haley pulled out the other syringe, tied a band tightly around Bonnie's arm, and injected the needle into the crease of her arm. Bonnie watched as the fluid drained from the syringe, and she took a deep breath when Haley took it out.
Before she knew it, a euphoric feeling engulfed her. It was amazing. She laid back on Matt's chest, and she could feel Haley laying across their legs. It was like a weightless feeling of inner peace absorbing her. It was like having several orgasms in one.
She couldn't help but let out a soft moan. It was like she was floating. It was more than the feeling of cocaine and weed… even alcohol. She wondered if this is what the people in true blood felt like when they took V. She giggled at the mere thought of it.
A knock on her door pulled her out of her thoughts. When she sat up, she hadn't realized how dark it had gotten outside. She glanced at her clock and it was 8pm.
Okay, that's weird because it was just 1:30, she thought.
She got up out of bed and cracked open her door.
"Bonnie, have you been here the whole time?" Caroline's voice rose, making Bonnie squint her eyes.
"Please keep it down."
"Are you hangover?"
Bonnie would have rolled her eyes but she didn't want to seem rude, "I just wasn't feeling really good earlier, so I took a nap and lost track of time." She lied. Actually she was feeling great…well, until it was interrupted.
"Bons, is everything okay?"
If one more person asked her that, she would probably scream. Of course she was okay. Who wouldn't be with her life?
"I'm great, Care," She swayed a little, and found herself leaning against her door frame to keep herself up.
"Stefan told us about what happened earlier. He said you were drinking?" Her eyes held concern, and that irritated Bonnie.
"Well, Stefan needs to get his facts straight before he runs off and tells everyone. I wasn't drinking. Haley gave me a flask full of liquor and I was going to use it to pre-game for tonight." Bonnie didn't miss Caroline's eye roll once mentioning Haley. She didn't really care for her or the fact that she was hanging out with her.
Caroline wanted to question more, but decided not to, "Well, Elena, Stefan, Tyler and I were going to go ahead and head to the frat house to pre-game a little. Did you want us to wait for you?"
"No, you guys go ahead; I still need to shower and get dressed. I'll just wait for Matt and Haley."
Caroline nodded, "Okay, well, be careful and you know if you ever need to talk, I'm here right?"
"Of course."
Then Bonnie closed her door, and turned on her light. Matt and Haley were still lying down, looking at peace.
"Guys, get up. We've been sleep or whatever all day. It's time to go shake some ass."
Haley laughed, "I like this side of you, Bons. But I think Professor Shane will get jealous."
"What Shane don't know won't hurt him." She winked, "Now Haley you can wear whatever you want from my closet. And Matt you already have a drawer over here."
They got to the frat house about an hour later, and Bonnie had to admit, she looked sexy and felt that way too. Upon walking in, they all had to take a shot.
"Woah, Bonnie is that you?"
She turned her attention towards Tyler who walked up to them. "You are correct, Ty. Where are my girls?" She asked, referring to Elena and Caroline.
"Over in the kitchen, taking shots."
Bonnie left Matt, Tyler, and Haley to find her other two best friends.
When Bonnie walked off, Haley noticed April dancing in the crowd. She kissed Matt's cheek and whispered, "Join me later."
"Of course." He agreed, watching her ass as she walked off.
Tyler whistled, "I have to give it to you man, she is hot."
Bonnie found Caroline and Elena in the kitchen taking shots with some random people and Stefan drinking a beer.
"Bonnie you made it!" Caroline yelled over the loud music.
"Take a shot, Bons!" Elena yelled, swaying energetically to the music.
Bonnie couldn't resist. She was already drunk and still feeling the effects of the H, but she took a shot anyways.
She ignored Stefan as she stood by her friends.
"Bonnie you look fucking hot tonight." Caroline grinned. "Picture time! Stefan take our picture." Caroline was always a little commanding when she got drunk.
After Stefan took a picture of all three of them, they went to go dance. Bonnie had to admit, she was having a lot of fun with her friends. She definitely regretted all those times she never went out with them before.
Later into the night, Bonnie snuck away from her intoxicated friends, and found herself upstairs in a room with Matt, Haley, April, and a couple of frat guys.
April and Matt were smoking a blunt while the frat guys and Haley were inhaling cocaine. After Bonnie did a small line, one of the Frat guys pulled her on his lap.
"You remember me, Bonnie?" He winked.
"Of course I do, Ben McKendrick. You graduated a year before me." She giggled.
"Who knew the book worm Bonnie Bennett could be this outgoing."
"I am full of surprises." She was definitely a little surprised when her words came out seductively.
As Ben began kissing down her neck the door open and in walked Shane and Connor. Shane's eyes caught hers, and she instantly moved from Ben and went to sit over beside Matt, who was too busy gazing into the air to notice anything.
She could tell Shane was trying not to look at her, but when he did he was glaring. Bonnie really hoped she hadn't pissed him off.
Everything else that night was a blur, Bonnie didn't even remember sneaking off and going back to Shane's, but she did remember when they walked inside and his fist connected with her face.
It caused her to scream and fall to the ground.
He got on top of her, and held her up.
"Please, I'm sorry… Please don't hurt me." She cried. She hadn't been this scared since…
"What the fuck were you doing, Bonnie! What, you get some new clothes that I fucking spent my hard earned money on and you let some immature frat boy fill you up."
His grip was hard on her, and she knew it was leaving bruises, like the one she was sure she had on her face now.
"I'm sorry."
"You let him touch what's mine!"
Bonnie closed her eyes, afraid that he would hit her again, but when it didn't come, she slowly opened them again. When she saw a few tears in his eyes, her heart instantly jumped in her chest. She had caused him pain, so she deserved anything he did to her.
When his hand gently caressed her cheek where he just hit her, she flinched a little, "Baby, I'm sorry. I just… I want you to be careful. A lot of these guys here, especially the frat boys at this campus will do anything to take advantage of you and I just want you to be safe."
"I'm sorry," She sniffled, as the tears slowly began to cease.
"No, I'm sorry; I should have never hit you. I just got angry at the thought of you getting hurt. I promise I will never do it again." He said, placing a light kiss upon her cheek. "Say you forgive me, baby. Say you're not scared of me."
It took her a moment, but she finally said, "I forgive you and I'm not afraid."
"I love you, Bonnie."
Bonnie's breath caught in her throat and tears began to escape her eyes again. He loved her? He really loved her? She couldn't help but let a small smile plaster to her face.
"I love you too."
And when he kissed her, there were no more words said that night.
Present
Damon didn't know how he was able to hold down his rage at Bonnie's story. He wanted to find that professor and beat the living shit out of him to where he would beg for death. And honestly, Damon wouldn't mind giving him that wish.
After a moment of just staring at her, deciphering everything, he regained his composure. "Do you think your feelings of being wanted by him were because of your father?"
His question caught her off guard, and she almost forgot she briefly told him about her ass of a dad. "I don't want to talk about my father."
Damon would have let the subject go, but he felt that it was important for her to come to an understanding. "Maybe you should. You think your father didn't love you, so you assume no one else will, is that it?"
A single tear escaped her eye, and she quickly wiped it away. "You don't know what the hell you're talking about. I said I didn't want to talk about him." Her emotions were a mix of anger and sadness and she didn't care. Damon was pushing her buttons and he was doing it on purpose.
"I get it Bonnie, I do, but I think this is the right moment to do so. I told you I was going to help you. So let me do that."
"My father was an abusive drunk!" She yelled. "Is that what you want to hear? So I don't think he didn't love me, I know he didn't." If it weren't for her Grams she would have probably been dead. When her mom left her dad and ran away with another man, he just lost his mind and buried himself in his work and alcohol. The alcohol seemed to surpass the work, so he lost his job. And the nights when he found himself being home, he took it out on Bonnie. If Bonnie was in her right mind she would have told her Grams as soon as it happened, but between her trying to push it out of her mind by either staying with her friends or wrapping herself into her work and her Grams being away at the college, she didn't want to cause any extra stress. When her Grams did find out a year later, she moved Bonnie in with her and instead of calling the police, told her son-in law to get his act together and never come near Bonnie again.
And yet Bonnie didn't let that shape who she was trying to be. She put it to the back of her mind and kept striving towards her goals. But maybe while doing so, it left a psychological absence of feeling unwanted by the one person who was supposed to truly love and care for her.
Damon stayed silent, just listening as she revealed what was needed.
"My mom already abandoned us, so he was supposed to be there…. to care about me. It wasn't just my Grams responsibility." She didn't even realize she started crying. "Imagine going to a father daughter dance without your father? And coming from the town I came from, everyone knew your business… everyone talked. And they pitied me and I hated that. So, I ignored it. Mind you, they only knew that he was drunk, but I didn't want anyone's pity. I didn't want them to feel sorry for me."
Damon didn't even realize when he stopped writing and grabbed onto her hand, trying to provide as much ease as he could give.
"He was supposed to love me. I mean that's what father's do right? They love their daughters?" The tears slowed down as she tried calming down and getting herself together. "When you're not enough for your own father… your own flesh and blood…. who can you be enough for?" And that's when it hit her like a ton of bricks. Is that why she stayed with Shane? Because she was trying to fill the void of not being wanted by her parents? But that couldn't be it because her Grams wanted her…. her friends wanted her. That should have been enough.
Me, the thought came out of Damon's head before he could even think of controlling it. And he found himself mentally cursing himself out. Focusing back on the task at hand he said, "Sometimes it's not enough Bonnie. A parent's love is different from that of your friends and even your grandmother. Your mom left so you wanted that security from your dad and for him to abandon you… hurt you, made you feel like you were unimportant and not worth it. It could cause anyone to find content in something else. That professor guy…." He paused for a second, trying not to let his anger show, "Showed interest in you when you needed it. And it felt good to be wanted. He gave you a level of security. And in your mind, you accepted that it was okay to let him string you along; to let him hurt you. Somewhere you felt it was alright to be treated the way he treated you. You felt that it was how you were supposed to be treated… that it was normal."
Even though she looked down and began to cry again, he still continued, "And Bonnie, I'm here to tell you that's not it. You are worth more than you realize. And you need to understand that. Because living your life thinking that you're not good enough is not living at all."
"And Bonnie, it's okay to hate your dad. It's okay, because I know that's how you feel right now. But one day when you're ready, you're going to have to forgive him… you're going to have to forgive everyone that's hurt you… when you're ready…"
As he said those words, she cried. She couldn't do anything but cry. Revealing all that she did today took a lot out of her. Forgiveness. A word that everyone needs…. Everyone craves during traumatic times, but right now she couldn't forgive her dad or Shane or anyone that hurt her.
Because she couldn't forgive herself.
Rebekah sat outside letting her feet tread the water, as she sat on the edge of the pool. After her one-one session with Pearl, she wanted to come outside to clear her head. She loved being outside. Even though she couldn't leave the rehabilitation center into the outside world, this specific facility made it as bearable as possible.
She met with Pearl four days out of the week, and every time since she got better they would just sit and talk. She actually felt like they had become friends. But today, today she revealed what she did to Bonnie last night about her brother's deaths. It was like a big weight was lifted off her shoulders and she knew that was the reason why she was still here. She hadn't been ready to come to terms with it all. Kol and Finn were her brothers… they were a part of her, and she felt like she caused their death. And though she tried to block it out, it didn't work and everyday it destroyed her.
"Mind if I join you."
Rebekah didn't have to look up to know it was Marcel. She would know his voice anywhere.
"It's a free country." The hostility in her voice was not missed.
"Are you ever going to forgive me, Bex?" He never liked when Rebekah was mad at him, even when they were kids.
She finally looked at him, "There's no need," She spoke softly, "You didn't do anything wrong. I came to terms with a lot last night and today. And I have you to thank for that."
He grabbed her hand in his like he always did.
"I couldn't accept Kol and Finn's death. I didn't want to talk about it; I didn't want anyone to bring it up. I couldn't look Elijah and Nik in the face, and I felt like they would always hate me…"
"And you know that's not true."
She nodded. "They're coming tomorrow… for a group session."
"Do you want me to be in there with you?"
"I would love nothing more, but this has just be us."
He wrapped his arm around her shoulder as she leaned into him, "I love you, Rebekah. You were always my favorite Mikaelson."
"And that better never change." She smiled.
"It won't."
They stayed that way for a moment, just looking at the water before them. And then Marcel broke the silence, "By the way, why is Damon here? I thought he stopped the whole psychology thing to focus purely on Salvatore Industries."
"Your guess is as good as mine. He said they needed a new therapist, but I think he's lying."
"Before I came out here, I saw him going into Bonnie's room. When did therapist hold sessions in their patient's room?"
Rebekah thought for a moment, "That is a good question."
Damon didn't remember the last time he had been filled with so much emotion that he felt his head would bust. His session with Bonnie had been completely unethical, and even though he felt as if he was helping her, it was still wrong. He even waited until she fell asleep to gather his things to leave. She probably didn't even realize when she fell asleep, but after revealing and reliving all of her memories, he knew that she was overwhelmed and worn out.
When she did fall asleep, he watched her for a moment. She looked peaceful… content. And soon he hoped that she would look that way when she was awake.
As he opened the door to leave her room, he came face to face with Rebekah Mikaelson.
"She fell asleep." Were the first words out of Damon's mouth.
"When did therapist start holding sessions in their patient's bedroom?" Rebekah didn't waste any time asking.
"Since I got here." He lied, and walked passed her knowing that she would start following him.
"Damon be truthful, what are you really doing here?"
"I thought we already went over that."
"And I told you, I know you're lying."
They were in one of the sessional rooms before they realized it. Damon closed the door behind them and locked it.
Rebekah didn't even bother to sit down, as she crossed her arms, "Why is Bonnie the only one you're counseling?"
Damon now remembered why sometime he wanted to strangle the baby Mikaelson. She was just like her brothers; asking so many questions that weren't needed at the moment.
At his silence, Rebekah gained a shocked expression on her face, "You have a crush on her, don't you?"
He also wanted to strangle her, because she was good at figuring him out. And that was because they all grew up together.
"I don't do crushes Rebekah and you know that."
"But…"
"Bexs," He cut her off, before she could finish her sentence, "Just trust me when I say that I'm helping Bonnie. I'm good at what I do and you know that. Don't ask me anymore questions, because I'm not going to answer them."
If Rebekah didn't trust Damon, she would have continued to pry, but she did trust him. And though his story didn't pan out, she would leave it alone.
Plus, she had to prepare for tomorrow. Seeing her brothers after ten months was going to be very challenging for her, and she just hoped that she could get through it.
A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! The scene where Bonnie and Damon are talking and he says: "You're father didn't love you, so you assume no one else will." I used that line from TVD when Caroline said that to Klaus.
Thank you all so much for reading and I hope to have a new chapter out soon! Thanks again & Please review! Xoxo.