Chapter 9 - My Rock
Car horns beeping and the crash of steady falling rain pelting the glass window of her fourth floor apartment created a steady white noise behind Arizona's racing thoughts. It was time for her weekly phone call to her mother to catch up and talk about what was going on in their lives. This week, she definitely had a lot to talk about, but for some reason, she couldn't work herself up to make the call. The weight of her phone sitting in her hands seemed to only increase until it felt like a solid brick that she just couldn't hold anymore. She glanced down and stared at her mother's portrait, her thumb hovering over the green send button. Come on, you can do this, she thought. Her heart sputtered and she paused as she realized that the thought of telling her mom that she had a date with Callie wasn't what terrified her... It was that telling her and actually saying the words out loud some how made it all real, and while she was dying to hear her mom's voice and words of wisdom, she wasn't sure she was ready for the reality of dating Callie to come crashing onto her shoulders. I should be excited to tell her... What's wrong? The thought crippled her, instantly cementing her feet to the floor and sent her heart racing. Something had to be wrong or why would she be so nervous to have it all be real? Shouldn't she want it to be real? Maybe deep down she knew that she shouldn't be doing this... That Callie was only a friend and that she was ruining the best friendship she could have ever imagined.
With panic coursing through her veins, she suddenly dropped her phone on to the counter and ran into her room, quickly slamming the door shut behind her and crawling under the covers. She blocked out all of the light around her, willing the world to disappear. Someone knew her secret now and she couldn't take it back. Callie had been nothing but supportive, obviously, but what if she fell too hard too fast again and Callie left her? What if Callie realized she didn't like women? So much could go wrong and she knew that the more she opened herself up, the more it would hurt. Memories of the night after she found Callie leaving Mark's apartment still stung her conscious. Oh god, what if Callie slept with Mark again? If she had been thinking more clearly, maybe she could have told herself Callie would never cheat on her or that Callie was worth risking everything, but she wasn't thinking clearly and all of her anxieties were starting to take over.
Suddenly, Arizona's stomach spun and turned on itself. Bile pooled into her mouth as she ran for the bathroom, barely making it in time for all of the beautiful lunch Callie had made earlier to make a second appearance. The room was spinning. She tried to focus on the handle to the toilet but it kept moving. Finally, after several embarrassingly awful attempts, she was able to grab a hold of it and flush the toilet. She wobbled to the sink and splashed cool water on her face. Her knuckles turned white as she gripped the sides of the sink and stared into the eyes in the reflection. They weren't her eyes... They couldn't be. The darkening circles slowly growing around the pale blue eyes in the mirror more closely resembled those of a raccoon than her own rich blue eyes. What is going on, Robbins? Get it together.
As she stumbled into her bedroom, she tried to plan how she could get away with hiding away for weeks, maybe months or even years, but her thoughts were interrupted by the chime of her phone ringing.
Nurses and residents watched as their superstar with a scalpel, Dr. Calliope Torres wore a thin lane of scuff marks into the otherwise spotless floor of the peadiatric surgery wing. She had already tried calling Arizona three times, but they had all gone unanswered. Arizona should have already shown up for her shift, but she hadn't checked in yet. Callie had originally come up to meet Arizona at her desk when she came in so they could spend a few minutes together, but when she didn't make an appearance, she started to grow concerned. She called Arizona and as her voicemail message began to play for a fourth time, Callie turned on her heel and strutted out of the hospital with only one goal in mind. She had to find Arizona.
"Arizona!? Arizona, are you in here?" Callie knocked anxiously on Arizona's solid blue door. After several seconds of no response, Callie's calm demeanor began to snap. "Arizona?! Arizona!" Callie's knocking turned frantic as she pounded harder and harder on her door. She slammed her fist one final time and let it slide down the front of her door. She pressed her forehead against her door, the cool wood sending a chill down her spine. Her chest tightened as she fought back tears that had already collected and were threatening to fall. "Arizona..." she whispered hopelessly.
Several seconds passed, or maybe it was years. She couldn't tell. Time seemed to lay stagnant, and yet she felt like she had aged beyond her years with every breath. If Arizona wasn't at home, and she wasn't at the hospital, where was she? Why had she suddenly disappeared? Was she running away from Seattle... From her? She knew she had pushed her too far. She shouldn't have asked her out, she wasn't ready. She knew she was rushing everything with Arizona. She was being too selfish, thinking only of her desire to have Arizona to herself. She knew... She *knew* that her little bird needed more time.
Callie stepped back from the door and threw her face towards the ceiling, still begging her tears not to fall. "Damnit, Torres... Okay, think... If I were Arizona, where would I be?" She looked towards the elevator at the end of the hall, but something told her that Arizona hadn't left. She couldn't explain it, but deep in the pit of her stomach, she knew that Arizona was still in her apartment. She stepped closer to the door and placed her palm gently against it. "Arizona, honey, are you there?" She paused, her senses on overdrive as she stretched to hear something... anything on the other side.
The click of the door's lock startled her and made her jump back. She paused, but only for a second, before turning the knob and gently opening the door. Her eyes scanned the room and almost instantly fell on Arizona. Arizona's usual strong stance was gone, instead her shoulders were hunched and tears were already streaming down her face. She was on the verge of crumbling to the floor when Callie crossed the entry way in two long strides to scoop her into a warm embrace.
It was the kind of hug that Arizona knew all too well... It was the kind of hug she had given time and time again whenever she saw her brother from a security gate at the airport or when he would jog out of the back of a C-130 after being deployed for a year. It was the kind of hug you gave someone when you were just glad they still existed on this Earth and could still hug you back. Callie's grip tightened as Arizona slowly returned the embrace.
"Callie," Arizona said in a gentle whisper.
Callie leaned her head back so she could look into Arizona's eyes, silently searching for a clue as to what was wrong. She tucked the hair that had fallen into her face behind her ear and left her hand cupping her cheek. Arizona leaned into the touch and closed her eyes. "Yes, baby? What is it?" Callie placed a soft kiss to Arizona's forehead. "What's wrong?"
The rain continued its steady downpour, creating a silent echo through the apartment as Arizona tried to find the words she needed. Her mind had calmed, her pulse had returned to a normal rate, and her stomach had stopped spinning. It was as if she had found solid ground the second Callie wrapped her arms around her. After several seconds, all she could mutter was a whispered, "nothing".
Callie smoothed Arizona's hair and rocked her gently, periodically placing kisses to the top of her head while she tried to calm down. "You didn't show up for your shift."
Arizona paused and looked over Callie's shoulder at the ticking clock on the wall. "Shit! I was supposed to be there over an hour ago!"
Callie looked over her shoulder at the clock. "Yeah, that's why I came to find you... You didn't answer any of my calls, and you've never missed work... You've never even been late."
Arizona's eyes shifted nervously around the room. "Yeah, I'm sorry about that... I was having a moment..."
Callie dropped her arms, but Arizona still held on tight. "What do you mean?"
Arizona hesitantly lowered her arms. "It was nothing, and I'm over it now..." her voice dropped, and she hoped Callie picked up on the hint of avoidance in her voice.
"Obviously it wasn't nothing, or you would be at work!" Callie's patience was growing thin and it showed.
"Well, it doesn't matter now," Arizona said shortly, crossing her arms.
"No, it does matter. It matters very much, in fact." Blatant agitation laced Callie's every word. She couldn't help but wonder what Arizona was hiding... But she really hated that Arizona obviously felt like she couldn't trust her.
"No, it doesn't." Arizona stepped back. "Look, thank you for checking on me, but I don't need a baby sitter."
Callie's eyes shot open. "That's not why I'm here!" She took a step back, trying to tame her anger. "You scared the shit out of me, Arizona... I didn't know where you were or if you had run away from here... From me! Or if you had gotten jumped on your way to work, or if you fell and I was gonna find you in some ditch somewhere..." Callie was pacing now, her fingers running through her wild hair. "I didn't know what was going on and all I could think about was that you could be gone, and damn it, Arizona, don't ever do that to me ever again!" Callie looked up for the first time into Arizona's eyes and cringed when she saw the pain in the baby blues she had fallen for years ago. She paused and took a deep breath then approached Arizona timidly. "Please, just come here?"
Arizona hesitated. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." Arizona kept her arms crossed as she cocked her head to the side. "Were you really that worried?"
Callie let out a chuckled sigh in disbelief. "Yes, I was losing my mind. I'm pretty sure the nurses in your wing now think I'm crazy or something..."
They both laughed as the tension disappeared from the room, settling instead on a new uneasy feeling. Both women were looking to the other for confirmation that they hadn't overstepped and weren't really sure what to say.
"Can I hug you again?" Callie asked, breaking the silence.
Arizona immediately crossed the distance between them and landed in Callie's arms. They both sighed, taking comfort in the familiar. These hugs had been their trademark for years and they both relished in the feeling.
"Are you gonna tell me what you were freaking out about?" Callie asked.
Silence filled the room once more as Arizona's thoughts raced. "I can't." She stated simply.
"Why not?"
"I just... I can't."
Callie held Arizona closer to her. "You can tell me anything, though."
"I just can't. Not this time... It sucks but I feel like I need my best friend because there's just some things you talk to your best friend about and some things you talk to your girlfriend about and this is just one of those things you don't talk to your girlfriend about." Arizona scrunched her nose in concentration, trying to make sure she had explained herself properly. "Do you know what I mean?"
Callie paused to let her words sink in. "I do. But I'm still here, Arizona. Your Calliope is still right here and willing to listen."
Arizona pulled away, a slow smile pulling on her lips.
"What?" Callie asked with a mischievous smirk.
"You called yourself my Calliope."
"Aren't I?" Callie asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Well, yeah. I just love that you know how special it is that I call you Calliope." Arizona's smile erupted on her face, her dimples making their first appearance of the night.
"Of course I do, Arizona. I've been your Calliope since the first time my name came rollin out of those gorgeous little lips of your's." Arizona blushed and bit her lip self counsciously. "Come on, let's go sit down."
Callie led Arizona over to the couch and sat down after getting them each a glass of water. Wanting to give Arizona a minute to collect herself, she took a sip from her glass and set it down on the table then settled down next to her. She took a moment to calm herself down and let it sink in that Arizona was still here, still breathing, and still hopefully in this whole crazy relationship they'd started.
Arizona saw the concern fluttering across Callie's eyes. They had always been so expressive; it was one of the first things she had fallen in love with. But right now those eyes were breaking her heart. She really hadn't meant to scare Callie... She honestly still wasn't sure why she had freaked out so suddenly and so terribly. Remembering the panic made her heart race and she immediately grabbed Callie's hands and squeezed them strongly.
Callie looked down, surprised at the sudden contact. A hesitant smirk pulled at the corner of her lip. She traced circles on Arizona's hand with her thumb and cleared her throat. "Arizona, I know a lot has happened these last few days and I just..." Callie struggled to find the right words. "I need to apologize for being selfish and rushing this. I pushed you too far, too fast."
"No! Callie," Arizona sighed. "You didn't rush me."
"No, I did. Arizona, I've been your best friend for a very long time... I know you. You need time to process big stuff. I didn't give you time... I pushed you to come out and then I kissed you and then I asked you out and I know... I know you need more time!" Callie's voice had elevated, more ranting at herself than at Arizona. "Just give me a chance and I promise I'll give you more time?" She realized she was almost begging and suddenly she didn't even recognize her own voice.
Arizona's brow creased in confusion. "Callie, I'm not leaving you."
Callie paused and took a deep breath. "You're not?"
Arizona laughed out loud suddenly. "No, no I'm not," she said sweetly.
"Oh. Good," Callie said with a sigh. "Then are you going to explain what happened today?"
Arizona's eyes wandered around the room as she tried to put together an answer. "I was getting ready to call my mom and tell her about us," she blushed at hearing herself say the words out loud. They sounded a lot better than she had ever imagined. "But for some reason, I couldn't. I don't know why! I wanted to but for some reason saying it out loud just..." Arizona's mouth went dry as Callie's hands went limp in her own. "I just couldn't. So I panicked and it was really bad." Her eyes dropped to the floor and she waited... Waited for Callie to explode, or end it, or demand answers... Something. But nothing ever came. She looked up and met Callie's eyes. For once, she couldn't read into her expression.
After a brief pause, Callie finally spoke. "How do you feel now?"
The blonde stopped to think. "Solid. It's like your hug brought me back to Earth and everything makes sense again."
Callie couldn't help the huge smile that quickly spread across her face. "Good. Focus on that. It's okay to get a little freaked out at first. I mean for years we've been hiding ourselves and watching our every move. But we don't have to anymore. So let yourself freak out, but just let me be the one to bring you back to me," Callie leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Arizona and drew her in tightly against her. "And please don't shut me out. Just call me or find me. Don't run. Let me be there for you."
Arizona leaned into the embrace and closed her eyes. She had never felt so much comfort in one moment. "I promise not to run again. Sometimes I just forget I'm not alone anymore." Arizona nuzzled into Callie's neck and breathed in the unique mixture of all of her favorite smells that made up her Calliope.
Callie didn't answer, instead she pulled away and cupped both sides of Arizona's face. She looked into her eyes, trying to communicate a promise that words would fail to say. She leaned in and placed her lips gently against Arizona's.
The latina's gentle kiss was returned fervently with a kiss demanding to be remembered. Arizona's fine lips moved in sync with Callie's as the kiss became more and more heated. Callie broke away to catch her breath and she realized her hands were already plastered against Arizona's bare back beneath her shirt as Arizona's hands crept up her front. She uttered the slightest moan, which seemed to drive Arizona even closer to their unwritten breaking point.
Callie sat up on her knees to get a better angle as Arizona opened her lips, allowing the latina's tongue in. Both women franctically reached to show the other how much they needed the other in that very moment. Their panting and quiet moans filled the room, rolling together with the now steady drizzle and far off thunder to create an atmosphere that would be etched into their minds for the rest of their lives. It would be remembered as the night that they both promised forever to each other without uttering a word.
Callie was the first to pull away and press her hand against Arizona to stop her from going any further. The blonde tried to sneak another kiss and whimpered.
"No, come back," she whined.
"Arizona, honey," she was interrupted by another kiss. "Arizona, we have to stop."
"No we don't," Arizona said with a chuckle.
"Yes we do. Stop, Arizona, stop!"
"Calliope..." Arizona whispered, pleading silently for more.
The breathy whisper almost broke Callie's resolve, but she was determined to stop before they went too far too soon. "Trust me, Arizona, I want this..." she kissed Arizona sweetly. "I want you," she growled. "But not tonight. It's too soon."
Arizona took a deep breath, clearing her mind. "You're right. But..." she bit her lip, afraid to ask. "Will you stay?"
Callie hesitated.
"I might as well call out at this point, and well, I really want to fall asleep curled up with you."
Callie wrapped her ams around Arizona again. "I'd love to stay. Let me go clean up a little and I'll join you?" Callie asked, a hint of insecurity leaking through her voice.
Arizona leaned in to kiss Callie one more time. "Don't take too long."
"I won't," Callie said with a smirk. As she watched Callie's hips sway with every step, Arizona could only wonder how she ended up with such an amazing girlfriend. There was that word again... Girlfriend. Instead of causing a panic, her heart fluttered. Calliope Torres... Her Calliope was now her girlfriend. A huge smile spread across her face as she crossed the living room to pick up her phone. She had five missed calls - four from Callie, and one from her mother. Without hesitation, she redialed her mom's number and after three rings, her mom finally answered. "Hey Mama," Arizona said cheerfully, "Are you sitting down? I have something to tell you."
If you're reading this, all I have to say is thank you. Thank you so very, very much for sticking with this story. I read every single one of your pm's, reviews, and follows/favorites and I took them all to heart. I love this story and I love the plans I have for it, and I hope my lack of updates over the last few months hasn't ruined it for you all. There's a long story behind why I dropped off the map, but it's not the story you're here to read. So just know I won't leave this story unfinished and that I really appreciate all the love and support, even if it's tough love sometimes.
Also, if any of you are interested in becoming a beta for me, that would be an absolute god-send! It takes me almost as long to edit as it does to write. Let me know!
Loves and stuff,
Tina