notes: ***THIS IS ACTUALLY VERY SERIOUS I NEED YOU ALL TO READ THIS PLZ***
i got a review saying something along the lines of 'update or i'll castrate you'.
this...this is not okay. guys, you all are awesome and i love getting reviews, but not gonna lie - i was really disappointed when i got this review. since when is it okay to threaten bodily harm on someone? do you honestly think that motivates us authors? it doesn't. i know i can't speak for all authors out there, but personally reviews like that make me very uncomfortable. im a very passive-aggressive person, and i don't like arguing or confrontations. being threatened like this, even if it's just supposed to be funny, isn't okay. reviews are for encouragement and constructive criticism. hell, they can even be for flaming the story! but please guys, PLEASE REFRAIN FROM LEAVING REVIEWS LIKE THAT. it makes me very uncomfortable and i don't like it.
***END OF RANT***
notes2: onto happier things...it's been like fifty years since i posted a new chapter on this thing, so...uh, HAPPY APRIL 3RD? IDK JUST TAKE THIS NEW CHAPTER.
notes3: this chapter gets kinda dark. be forewarned.
playlist: 'Demons' by Imagine Dragons
chapter title: Not Everything is Sunshine and Rainbows (a.k.a. Everyone's Got Their Demons)
.
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I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside, there's nowhere we can hide
.
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x
The next morning, I wake up on my own, fairly early. After Bubbles comes in and sees I'm already awake, I get ready. I pick out a casual outfit today: a pair of beige shorts, a pink tee with big red lips on the front, and red flip flops. I pull my hair into a ponytail and grab my worn leather messenger bag, exiting my room and walking downstairs.
Good morning. I sign to my sisters, taking my seat at the table. Bubbles had made breakfast already – crepes, scrambled eggs, and a bowl of our favorite fruit. Buttercup has kiwi slices, Bubbles has blueberries, and I have a bowl of strawberries. Buttercup is already half-way done with her meal, and it looks like Bubbles just started. I sit down and eat my breakfast quickly, not wanting to take long. Once we finish our food, we lock up the house and head for the mall.
I can already tell this is going to be a day to remember.
x
About four hours later, my sisters and I return home, arms laden with heavy bags and boxes. Robin's car is in our driveway, the trunk popped open, revealing even more purchases.
In a nutshell, Bubbles had bought an entirely new closet. For me.
I let out a sigh. She had gone way overboard, but I have to admit, I had a ton of fun. We spent the entire afternoon shopping, laughing, and generally having an amazing time. All the girls had helped me pick out new clothing and accessories and makeup and shoes, and I won't deny the fact that I'm a bit excited. Come tomorrow, I am going to look completely different. They're all ridiculously happy for me, and Princess keeps insisting that this will help me come out of my shell. I guess we'll see if it helps at all; hopefully nothing will change too much, though. I don't think I could stand it if people started to talk to me on a regular basis. My secret would definitely get out, and I would be sent away for sure.
Well, at least I'll go down in style. I laugh internally as I set another armful of bags down on my floor. My bed is covered, and so is the top of my desk. I don't think Bubbles even realizes my closet is empty, save for a few dancing outfits. I don't have a lot of fancy clothes, so I just use an old wardrobe I found at a garage sale for fifteen dollars. It was a killer find, made of mahogany wood and very smooth and polished. It goes perfectly with my cherry wood bed and matching desk.
"And that's…it!" Bubbles exclaims, dumping the last two bags on my floor as well. The girls troop in after her, settling themselves around my room. Buttercup sits cross-legged on the floor, Robin curls up on my window seat, and Princess perches herself on the stool I use when I practice guitar. Bubbles strides over to the walk-in closet and throws the double doors open dramatically.
And promptly lets out an ear-piercing (I'm guessing) shriek.
Buttercup's hands fly to her ears, while Princess winces and Robin jumps about two inches off the seat cushions.
"Bubbles!" Princess scolds. "Why'd you scream?!" Bubbles turns around and moves out of the doorway, showcasing my practically empty closet.
"Because she has no clothes in here!" My blonde sister screeches. Buttercup takes one look and bursts out laughing. She rolls around on the floor, clutching her stomach. Robin lets out a small giggle but quickly muffles it, and Princess shakes her head at me. I stick my tongue out at her.
Bubbles scrambles to the shopping bags and frantically begins unpacking them as if her life depends on it.
Bubbles? I sign her name, a questioning look on my face. She looks up from unpacking and narrows her eyes at me, and I take a step back.
"We need to fix that." She says suddenly, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. I relax and nod, helping her unbag everything. Robin and Princess sort the clothes we hand them, making neat stacks for each article of clothing. When Buttercup finally stops laughing, she puts the clothes on hangers. Bubbles then shows me how to keep everything organized properly, distinguishing sections of the closet for each thing. After we finish hanging the clothes up, Robin declares it time for her to go.
"I should go too. I have some new design ideas I want to work on." Princess says, winking at me. I roll my eyes playfully, smiling at them and giving them hugs goodbye. Our two friends leave quickly with words of excitement for tomorrow.
"I can't wait to see the guys' faces tomorrow!" Robin says as she climbs into her car. "You're going to look great!" We wave her off, and go back inside to the kitchen to cook dinner. We have some quality sister time afterwards in the living room, playing Twister and watching TV before heading off to bed.
x
As I lay in my bed, thinking over the events of this weekend, I come to the conclusion that from here on out, my life will be different. I can feel it.
I just hope it's not going to be bad.
x
As per usual, I wake up to the smiling face of Bubbles the next day, telling me to get ready for school. I take note of her outfit today, which is a little more casual than usual. A loose, flowing blue skirt and a light gray shirt with three-quarter sleeves, nude sandals on her feet, and her hair pulled into low pigtails.
I give her a quick hug and get out of bed, showering and drying off in record time. Looking through my newly acquired clothing carefully, I select an outfit for the day. I choose a red patterned, long sleeve tunic dress that reaches about an inch above my knees, and a pair of tan platform wedge sandals. I pile my red hair in a bun on top of my head, and a few shorter stray curls come loose around my face. I leave them be and apply simple makeup: mascara and red lip gloss. After that I grab a brown leather messenger bag and put all of my school things into it, finally slipping a black folder with Bubbles' next performance's sheet music inside.
On Mondays and Wednesdays Bubbles and I go to the school's Performing Arts Center after school to practice. On Tuesdays and Thursdays Bubbles has choir and ballet, and Fridays she's either out with her friends from choir or hanging out with the group. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my alone days; some days I spend in the dance studio, others I head to the public library, and others I write new music. Buttercup has sports practice every day, but sometimes her coach lets her take Fridays off, especially since she's a star player and plays many different sports at school.
Today is Monday, a practice day. Bubbles has a solo performance coming up in two weeks, and I'm going to be her pianist.
I double check that I have everything and nod to myself, grabbing my bag and walking downstairs.
x
My sisters and I arrive at school about half an hour later, where we meet up with Mike and Robin. Robin gets very excited when she sees me and hugs me tightly. Mike's eyes are wide, but he smiles all the same and compliments me on how I look. Princess shows up a few minutes later, and hugs us all when she comes up to us. Mitch gets to school a few minutes before the first bell rings and we share a laugh as he scrambles to get out of his car and get over to us. He stops in his tracks when he sees me.
"Whoa…Blossom?" He asks, coming closer. "Is that you? Are you feeling okay?" He pretends to feel my forehead for a fever, but I swat his hand away as the group laughs.
I wanted to switch things up a little. I sign, looking around briefly to assure no one saw me. Bubbles translates for me and Mitch shakes his head.
"Well, if any guy starts giving you issues, lemme know, okay?" He wags a finger at me. I salute him playfully and mouth 'Aye, aye'.
Just then, the first bell of the day rings and all of the students start to migrate inside to go to class.
x
Analysis is normally an easy class for me, despite my lack of hearing. However, I find it hard to concentrate when I can feel someone's gaze burning into me from behind.
The person staring?
None other than Brick Jojo.
When we first walked into class I didn't see him at first, since he was on the other side of the room. As we took our seats, I glanced over out of curiosity and saw that he was sitting with his two brothers. He didn't see me, which was a little bit of a relief. I still don't quite know how to handle the situation I've gotten myself into.
Dancing with a boy I've never met at a party? Actually speaking to him? Bringing him along to meet my friends? It's almost like we're dating!
These thoughts swirl around in my head as I take out my Analysis notebook and pen, staring at the table to avoid looking at Brick again. He must have noticed me after we sat down and got settled, because I can feel his eyes on me like two heavy hands on my shoulders. It's not uncomfortable, but it's definitely a strange and new sensation. I'm so used to being invisible; now that Brick knows who I am it's odd that he would look at me so constantly.
But does he really know me? I suddenly think. He knows that I can dance, and that I'm not very social…but he doesn't know why. He doesn't know I'm actually deaf.
My mouth twists into a small frown and the fuzzy feeling dissipates, turning into something bitter.
Being deaf really sucks sometimes. He probably won't want anything to do with me after he discovers it. And it's not like he won't figure it out; it's not something I can hide from someone for long.
I try not to focus on Brick staring at me, and dutifully take notes on the lesson. Luckily, it's an easy chapter and it doesn't require a lot of strenuous thinking, just plugging numbers into equations and solving. The mechanical process of answering the questions on the board helps divert me from thinking about Brick.
x
The next few periods pass in blissful peace, as he's not in my AP Government class or my Psychology class.
After Psychology is my fourth and most disliked period, Art IV. Honestly, the only reason I'm in that class is because I need an Art class credit; unfortunately I can't take music without risking unveiling my secret. So, Art was my only option.
Too bad I suck at it.
Now, give me a blank piece of paper and I can scratch out a whole new song for the piano, easy. But ask me to paint a sunset? You'll get a wobbly yellow circle on an orange background, if you're lucky.
I can doodle and draw simple things, but anything more complicated than beginner's level and I'm lost. My fingers are meant for a piano, not a paintbrush.
I walk into Art IV with Bubbles and Robin. I wave at the teacher, Ms. Harris, who gives me a warm smile in return. She's tries so hard to help me with my artwork, but since we're in a more advanced class, there's not much she can do. It's a good thing my teachers are aware of my situation, or else I'd definitely be failing this class. I will admit, it's unfair, but in this class I'm mostly graded on participation and effort, unlike the other students.
Bubbles and Robin head to our usual table, and I follow, sitting down in between the two of them. More students file into the room, and my eyes stray from the door to around the room, simply observing my surroundings.
Suddenly, a flash of red catches my eye and I focus back on the door. What I see immediately makes my stomach drop to my toes and my eyes widen.
Brick just walked into the classroom.
I stiffen in my seat, and it's like the rest of the room disappears. All I can focus on is Brick and how he's handing Mrs. Harris a sketchbook and looking for all the world as if him just showing up in my art class isn't a big deal at all.
When actually, it is in fact a very big deal.
Maybe it's a mistake, I think desperately. Maybe he's awful and Mrs. Harris will tell him he can't be in this class.
My conscience then decides to remind me that I myself shouldn't be in this class and I'm being hypocritical, but I quickly shove those thoughts away, my eyes still glued to Brick and Mrs. Harris.
The Art IV teacher flips open the sketchbook and her eyes immediately widen. I didn't think it possible, but my stomach drops even further.
Please don't tell me he's an amazing artist…
Mrs. Harris flips through the rest of the sketchbook, eyes remaining wide and an expression of awe on her face. Once she's finished looking through the book she hands it back and starts talking animatedly, hands gesturing in excitement. I silently curse this awful luck and have to resist the urge to sink in my seat and hide under the table.
Brick looks pleased as he speaks with Mrs. Harris, and after another minute of conversation he nods and begins to make his way towards the back of the room, where the only empty seats are.
Which, coincidentally, is right behind my table.
My eyes are wide and I'm sure I have a deer-in-headlights expression on my face, but I'm frozen, unable to look away from the boy that's been plaguing my thoughts ever since Saturday night.
Brick walks casually by the other tables, but when his eyes scan my table, he almost does a double take, shock flitting across his features for a mere moment before disappearing and being replaced with his calm façade.
He locks gazes with me and my cheeks heat up. With more effort than I'd like, I manage to tear my eyes from his and refocus on the table in front of me.
Great, just great. I moan internally. I'm trying to work out how I'm going to deal with this Brick situation, and Brick himself is now apparently in my art class! What am I going to do?
Before I can panic further, Bubbles taps my hand twice, the signal to pay attention to the teacher. My heart skips as I frantically wonder if Brick saw.
Swallowing hard, I look to the front of the room. Mrs. Harris is writing our assignment on the white board.
'OIL PASTEL STUDY'.
Underneath that, she writes 'picture of your choosing'.
Okay. I take a deep breath. Oil pastels. I've seen Bubbles do some pictures with these before; they seem pretty easy to use. I should pick something simple…maybe a flower?
The other students in the room take out various electronic devices and begin chattering to each other. Robin and Bubbles take out their phones, and I copy them. I quickly pull up Google Images and begin my search for a flower to draw.
Around five minutes later I finally decide on a simple bunch of plumeria flowers. Bubbles had already decided on her picture and gotten up from the table to retrieve our sketchbooks, some pencils, and a large tray of oil pastels. I reach for my sketchbook and a pencil and begin to get to work, placing all of my focus on this assignment.
x
Forty-five minutes later and Bubbles taps my hand twice, signaling that the bell for next period rang.
I look at my sketchbook page in front of me, and shake my head. My bunch of plumeria flowers looks like…smudges, basically. Colorful smudges. A middle schooler could probably do better.
I'm hopeless at art. I sigh lightly. Leaning over towards Bubbles, I see her detailed drawing of a river running through a forest, the oil pastels seemingly bringing the picture to life. Doing the same with Robin, I take in her picture of a couple standing under an umbrella in the rain. My picture is like comparing the Mona Lisa to a preschooler's refrigerator art.
I smile wryly and Bubbles and Robin take a look at my sketchbook, giggling at my failed attempt. Robin pats my shoulder consolingly and Bubbles pokes my cheek playfully. I puff my cheeks out at her and she giggles again.
Robin gets up to put our supplies away, and Bubbles and I begin packing up, as does everyone else. I keep my eyes glued to my bag and my hands so they don't stray behind me to where Brick is sitting.
Bubbles links arms with me and Robin appears on my other side, and the three of us slip into the crowd of students exiting the classroom. I lose Brick in the crowd, although I'm not too sure how I feel about it.
All in all, I'm not too sure how to feel about this situation as a whole.
On one hand, Brick is nice. He was very polite and courteous with me Saturday night, but I didn't miss how he glared at people if they stared at me, or how he rested his arm across my shoulders to get a reaction out of me. And a reaction he got. I've never had a boy put his arm around me like that – other than Mitch or Mike, and they're like brothers to me.
Brick is…different. He seems like a very persistent person, and very intelligent as well. He's bound to find out that I'm deaf if he pursues a friendship (or maybe even more?) with me.
And that brings me to my dilemma. What will happen when he does find out?
Will he run away? Will he pity me? Will he stick around long enough for me to explain I don't want his pity?
Or worse – what if he runs away and tells someone? High school can be brutal, especially when it comes to spreading rumors. What if the whole school finds out? What if I get made fun of? What if I get sent away?
I pinch the bridge of my nose, closing my eyes in frustration.
This is hopeless. It's not going to work out – there are too many unknown variables for this to go well. Too much is at stake, too much could go wrong.
Bubbles and Robin guide me to my locker, where I stash my books and stare at my reflection in the little magnetic mirror stuck to my locker door.
Coral pink eyes stare back at me.
Do I like who stares back at me in the mirror?
Do I like the cripple I have become?
Do I like who I am?
My thoughts buzz around my skull angrily, the confused distress quickly turning into something darker, slipping back into a corner I did not want to be in.
I hated it when I got like this, but like a child slipping on muddy ground, I lost my footing and fell into the part of mind I despised.
The part of my mind that despised me back.
Why would he ever like you? Those stupid, horrendous little voices nitpick at me. You're deaf. You can barely speak anymore. You'd probably sound weird and unusual if you tried to talk anyway. You shouldn't talk at all. Brick hates your voice. He'll be disgusted when he finds out you're deaf.
Deaf. Handicap. Cripple. Freak.
I vaguely register tears filling my eyes and Bubbles and Robin waving their hands in front of my face. I feel an arm around my shoulders and the gentle push of someone guiding my feet somewhere, but it feels distant.
All I can perceive are the ugly thoughts seared into my brain from months of self-loathing and lonely suffering.
It's times like these when it really hits me, what my life was like after the accident.
The walls I had purposefully put up to keep these thoughts out come crashing down, and the flood of emotions almost swallows me whole. I feel like I'm drowning in my own head.
Deaf. Handicap. Cripple. Nuisance. Needy. Useless. Freak. Anomaly.
It should've been you. Your mother didn't deserve to die.
It should've been you.
It should've been you.
I clench my eyes shut and my hands clamp over my ears. My knees buckle and I fall to the tile floor of the school bathrooms. (When did I get here? How did I get here?)
There's someone crouching next to me, pushing my hair back from my face as tears track down my cheeks. I let out a long groan of pain – it hurts it hurts it hurts.
I can't hear myself.
I can't hear anything.
Deaf. You'll always be deaf. It should've been you.
I want to scream, to yell, to drown out the voices in my head with something, anything.
But what good will it do? I can't hear myself. I can only hear what's inside my head.
And that's the scariest place of all.
x
The voices in my head eventually quiet down.
When they've finally faded to whispers in the back of my conscience, I let myself slump, my muscles aching from being tense for so long. My hands fall and my shoulders droop, my eyes slowly opening so I can blurrily look at my surroundings.
Bubbles is on my left, carding her fingers through my hair. Robin's arms are the ones wound around my shoulders, and my friend's head rests on my shoulder. When they feel me relax Bubbles and Robin lean away from me to give me a little space, and Robin slowly lets me go. Bubbles reaches over and wipes my cheeks with her fingers, and only then do I feel the slick wetness of my own tears against my skin.
Princess is kneeling on the tile about two feet in front of the three of us, and she's been crying by the looks of it – her mascara leaving faint black trails down her face. Buttercup is next to her, her hands balled into fists and jaw clenched. Her eyes look misty, but as soon as I look up she surges forward to bring me into a crushing embrace.
I reach up and grip her shirt tightly, a few more tears squeezing out.
Once she's let me go, I look around at my sisters and friends. There's not a dry eye to be seen, and I sniff.
I'm such a burden to them. I think guiltily, sadly.
I'm sorry. I sign slowly, my eyes prickling with even more tears. I'm sorry.
Bubbles begins to cry again and this time all four of them reach forward to hug me tight.
"What happened?" Princess asks. I close my eyes and grit my teeth.
I… I start to sign. I was thinking.
"...About what?" Robin questions after a moment.
"About Brick?" Bubbles raises her eyebrows. "And how he doesn't know you're deaf?"
I hesitate, but then I nod, a sour taste in my mouth.
I guess… I pause. I guess this situation triggered an attack.
"Oh Blossom…" Princess' forehead creases with worry. "Blossom, why would that be a trigger? I thought you liked Brick?"
You don't understand. I suddenly sign, my hands a flurry of movement. He doesn't know I'm deaf. What happens when he finds out? He could run away, or pity me, or start rumors, and I could get sent away.
My hands move so fast they probably can't read what I'm trying to say, but right now, I don't care.
I can't let him find out. I slow down so Bubbles can translate better. There's too much at risk. It could go very wrong, very fast.
"Blossom…" Bubbles starts, but I shake my head.
No. Just leave it. I sign. A heavy sigh escapes, and my shoulders slump again. I'm sorry I scared you.
"It's okay honey," Robin says, hugging me again. "We're always here for you."
I nod, and Princess is the first to stand, immediately going over to the paper towel dispenser.
"Here," She says, ripping out a bunch and handing them to us. "Let's get cleaned up and get back to class."
We do so, and when we exit the bathroom I trail behind a little. The voices are quiet at the moment, but my walls have been torn down by my relapse. I have to be careful. I have to build stronger walls so this doesn't happen again.
And the first step is to make sure Brick doesn't find out I'm deaf.
.
.
AND THE PLOT THICKENS.
hehehe, this chapter took a bit of a turn, didn't it? ;)
i know things started out great, but i wanted you guys to finally see what's REALLY going on. blossom isn't as healed as she seems.
so yeah, here's a nice angsty/dark-ish chapter for you. you think this story is all fluff and happiness?
WRONG.
THERE'S GONNA BE ANGST AND DRAMA AND EVEN CAT FIGHTS HELL YEAH.
ah, high school. what a terrible time of life. (jk, not all high school experiences suck.)
JUST SO YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU ALL. PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK. :D
peace out girl scouts,
two red converse