Chapter 2: Valediction

The sky was gradually turning brighter, from a deep shade of blue to a hazy yellow, but it was yet early, way earlier than I was usually comfortable waking up. My head pounded and my eyelids were heavy and crusted with yesterday's dried tears, but there was no way I could go back to bed.

I inhaled the refreshing morning air one last time before I closed the window and headed for my drawer. I had hoped to be able to ventilate my room but noticing how stiff I already was, I decided not to. Sleep deprivation made my movements sluggish and clumsy but I eventually found my green pouch with toiletries and a fresh set of clothes and set off downstairs towards the bathroom with my boots in the other hand. I finished as fast as I could and ignored the burn of the cold water against my skin. For once I was glad that my aunt had stubbornly insisted on installing a "shower" in the house—with the motivation that some clients would be in need for such a service—because not only was it quick and easy to use; I didn't need to step into a horrid bathtub to become clean. The shower had been expensive of course, but manageable… or so I had thought. I anxiously chewed on my lower lip as it dawned upon me how much money Lydia actually had invested in the clinic.

No wonder you've been paying me so little. You're broke.

I shook my head. The shower and the sweet smell of my soap had cleansed me from my weariness and now sharp-minded, I was ashamed of what I had thought. No, I told myself, you gotta stop being so cynical. Don't go there. Lydia has helped you tremendously during these past years, supporting you both physically and mentally. She deserves all your respect.

I wrapped my hair in a towel and got dressed. The neckline on my blouse was fortunately large enough to fit my now oversized head through and I tucked the unruly fabric beneath my trousers, fastening everything with a belt. I then headed towards the kitchen to hunt for something to eat while kicking into my worn boots. The clock on the wall announced that I had almost two and a half hours until I would meet with Erwin Smith again but only half an hour until Lydia would rise. I wasn't too keen on the latter, considering how she seemed adamant about refusing me the place at the Survey Corps.

She most definitely won't let me join, I thought as I swallowed the last of my bread with some water. I wasn't really hungry, but I knew I had to eat if I was going to make it through the rest of the morning. She'll beg and plead, but it won't help. I will go.

My newly found determination wasn't completely without motivation: a new idea had awoken in my mind sometime during my hysteria. I wasn't going to the Survey Corps because I was depressed over my life or Sebastian's death. I didn't intend to throw my life away, or anyone else's for that matter. But my motives were far from noble.

I exhaled loudly and buried my face into my palms. Tears were dangerously close to escaping my eyes and I bit down a frustrated groan. Why did you leave me, Sebastian? How could you be so selfish and let yourself die? You promised me… you promised you would always return.

"But where are you now…?" I whispered.

"Sera?"

Exasperated, I raised my chin. Lydia stood at the doorway, properly dressed and kempt. I fleetingly wondered how long she had been standing there observing me before I threw the matter aside. It hardly mattered; her eyes revealed her worry and fear.

"You're up awfully early today," I said and was relieved to hear how calm I sounded.

"Well, I wanted to check on you."

"You thought I was going without saying goodbye."

She flinched. "Y-yes," she stuttered. "Something like that."

I relaxed and approached her. "I would never do that." I placed a hand on her shoulder. It was the closest thing to a hug I could give her. "I'll pack my stuff and check on Mom and Miriam before I head off. You…" I hesitated before finishing the sentence. "Auntie, take care of them."

"Sera, you can't leave," she appealed and took my other hand. "Don't bother about the money, I'll handle everything—"

"It's not about the money," I assured her and then quickly tried to come up with a reliable answer. "It's about doing the right thing," I lied.

Involuntarily, I recalled the fierceness in the commander as he had spoken yesterday. There was no doubt about how wholeheartedly he believed that the Survey Corps were doing the right thing. And even after all these years of constant failure, I hadn't noticed the slightest hint of shame in his icy blue eyes. That could only mean that they were on the actual verge of breakthrough, something so major that not even Sebastian had told me about it. Curiosity had me trapped like a fly in a spider's web; the more I struggled to get away, the more I got tangled up. But that was still not the real reason I wanted to go.

"Not that rubbish! Sera, it's dangerous out there." My aunt seemed like she wanted to shake me. Her hands clenched tighter around mine. "Those… titans… You're no match against them."

I opened my mouth to angrily protest when she cut me off. "I don't care if you were in the top ten during your trainee years; that was six years ago! You're in no condition to fight anymore! Is it those rumors about that titan-shifter you're so eager to hook onto? That he's 'humanity's savior'? Or are you simply after a death wish? Because I can grant you that without any help from those damned titans!"

I stared incredulously at her, too shocked to do anything else. She seemed as taken aback by her outburst as I was but didn't yield.

"Sera," she said. Her grip was as steady as before but she lowered her gaze, as if her next words were difficult to say. "I just… I just want you safe. The Walls aren't just for show. It's no game out there, I assure you."

"I bet that's what you told your husband as well, huh?"

Her expression froze and I seized the opportunity to speak.

"You always despised the way he would cheat on you with his work," I continued harshly, anger fueling my determination. I knew I oughta keep quiet or take back my words and apologize, but my voice went on. "Mason who always went on and on about how precious the Scouting Legion are and continued to encourage me and my brother as children." I scoffed. "'Humanity's fight for freedom' was everything he sprouted and yet you never once supported him. Did you ever love him for real or was it just a marriage of convenience? Because you needed the safety of his money? Yes, you probably even found it suiting when he finally died to the Titans since you didn't need to spend more precious funds on him and his gear."

Her fist swung towards me but old reflexes triggered and I blocked her assault with an upright stroke of my forearm. With lightning speed, my other hand had already gripped her wrist and I spun her around, tugging her arm in a painful angle as she bashed against the doorway.

"Seems like I remember something from the military after all."

"Get out!" Lydia roared. Her cheeks were flaring with color as she struggled. "You've been nothing but a plight on me, Miriam and this clinic ever since you arrived! Don't bother returning from whatever hellhole you dive into!"

I sighed and released my grip of her. "I hadn't intended to," I replied venomously and darted towards the staircase. I didn't dare look at her. "I'll grab my things and be gone. I promise you." My voice softened. "Just… just take care of Mom for me; I'll send you all the money you need."

She growled something unintelligible in reply and although I was beyond certain it was an insult of some sort, I was in too much of a rush to bother answering. I strode into my room and pulled out a dusty old bag from underneath my bed, rapidly stuffing it with what few belongings I had. There were some clothes of course, but mostly undergarments and a couple of dog-eared books. After some hesitation, I decided to also pack down my journal, my pen set and a tiny painting of my family and me.

I held the wooden frame a couple of inches from my face and scrutinized it. We were so happy on the picture, even though it had been a horribly boring afternoon spent sitting still on a small patch of grass outside the painting studio. It had been a beautiful day, the sun shining its brightest while a soothing wind gently caressed our hot cheeks. My brother and I were leaning against each of our parents with wide grins across our round, childish features and as we were obedient for once, even my father's usually strict lips had cracked into a shy smile while he held his wife's hand lovingly.

There was plenty of space left as I zipped up the bag and flung it over my shoulders, but I was kind of happy I had so little to bring with me from home. I snatched my jacket from the chair by the dask and slipped my arms into the sleeves before I noticed Miriam standing by the door.

I bent over and unwrapped the now damp towel, allowing my hair to escape its prison. "You Seylers are all up awfully early this morning," I said as I noticed she, too, was fully dressed for the day. "And stalking."

"I heard the ruckus downstairs… thought I should wait until it passed before coming to see you." Miriam scratched the side of her neck. "I guess you only said those awful things to get her out of your way, huh?"

"I kinda had to use some self-defense as well."

Her eyes widened and I grimaced. "Lydia was going to punch me," I explained and threw the towel on my bed.

"I see…"

She said nothing more but watched as I was impatiently trying to braid my wet, tangled hair. I got nowhere until she lent me a hand.

"Thanks," I said, breaking the awkward silence between us.

"No worries."

"Miriam…" I could feel how tense she was as she pulled my hair with unnecessary much force. "What is it?"

She let out a loud sigh. "I'm just worried about you."

"I won't die," I replied sternly. I definitely won't let myself, at least.

"No, it's not that. I know you won't. I'm… afraid you're getting too cold." Miriam stepped away from me. "There, it's done."

I didn't know how to answer because she was right. Shame forced my eyes towards the floorboards as I aimlessly ran a hand across the braid.

"There isn't anything wrong with opening up to others," she carefully went on, taking my silence as a cue to continue. "Nobody will find you weaker of an individual just because you're emotional. You might even find it easier to make some friends that way."

"Do you really think of me as a heartless person?" I asked her with a crooked smile. I attempted to sound playful, but my voice rang empty even in my own ears.

"No, but you rarely convey your emotions into words or expressions. It isn't like you're being false or two-faced, I promise, but you're almost never completely genuine towards people." She paused. "Sometimes even I'm unsure of what you're really feeling when you're talking to me."

My eyes shot upwards, a blunt answer resting on my tongue, but Miriam waved it away and smiled. "There's no need to explain. You've always been like that." Something mischievous suddenly glittered in her eyes. "Except with… you know. Maybe he's really the one…?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, sure."

"You know I'm right," she taunted.

Before I could hurl anything at her, she disappeared out of the room with a giggle. I pressed two fingers against my left temple and gingerly rubbed the muscle in an effort to suppress my increasingly active headache. I hadn't slept well or much at all during the night, and the fatigue was starting to take a toll on my body. After making sure I hadn't forgotten anything worth taking with me, I walked to the bedroom lying furthest down the hall and prepared for my last goodbye.

"Mom?"

I creaked open the door ever so slightly and peeked my head through the slim opening. My eyes found the familiar shape of her body beneath the heavy covers of her bed and I entered the room, careful to close the door gently behind me. The morning light was blocked by thick, blue curtains but a lonely candle illuminated the room in a calming glow, a courtesy I guessed Miriam had provided.

I was as surprised as always when I noticed how much she shivered and pulled another, earlier kicked away layer of blankets over her as I came to sit by her side. Her face was partly hidden beneath a fat pillow but I could see that her frail chin and dry lips pointed towards the wall, away from me.

"Hey, mom, it's me," I whispered and leaned in towards her. "Are you awake?"

I didn't want to rouse her if she was sleeping but at the same time I wasn't willing to leave without telling her of my departure, no matter if she could listen or not. It was a selfish desire but fortunately enough for me, her thin hands moved to push aside the pillow and two tired blue eyes, surrounded with fine wrinkles and dark spots, connected with a similar looking pair.

"I thought I heard you scream," she croaked and anxiously soaked her lips. "Or was it Lydia again? What happened?"

I pretended to be surprised.

"What are you talking about?" I raised my eyebrows and felt myself melt into the kind, compassionate person I always became in her presence. "It was probably just a bad dream again, mom. Nothing to worry yourself."

The tenseness in her jaw faded and she breathed out. "Of course," she mumbled and looked up in the ceiling, her eyes desperately trying to find something to focus on. "Yes, of course. You and Lydia would never shout at each other. You love her."

"Yes I do," I confirmed and gripped her bony hand. My throat tightened but I kept up the facade. "Mom, I came to tell you I'm leaving. Now. And I don't think I'll be coming back, at least for a good while."

"Where you off to?"

Her eyes were still spinning around and I sighed. She wouldn't remember this by the next time she opened her eyes, but I knew I had no choice but to continue since there would be no time to wait for her to fall asleep and then wake up again. But this also gave me the courage to tell her about Sebastian.

"Things are going badly here at the clinic," I began, the truth rolling off my tongue much easier than any of the lies I had told her ever since the doctor initially told me of her delicate state. "And… Sebastian is no longer here to support us. Someone must step up and shoulder that responsibility, and I guess that's me." I felt something wet trickle down my cheek and instantly wiped it away with my jacket sleeve. "Mom… Sebastian died in yesterday's expeditions with the Scouting Legion."

Her expression turned neutral. "I see… what about his body? Where is it?"

More tears fled their harsh confinement and I sniffled while staring at her in confusion. "What do you mean? He was eaten."

"No, no, no." She furiously shook her head. "That is impossible."

"I know it might seem hard to accept but—"

"No," she interrupted, her face completely grave. I had never seen her that way and it wasn't the kind of inclined grievousness that would suggest she was in a sort of denial; her gaze was burning with a ferocious determination as she lowered it slowly. "He can't be dead. It's impossible."

Both surprised and deeply worried I tried to make her look at me. "Mom," I said as I touched her cheek. "It was the commander himself who told me that."

"Did he say it with those exact words?"

I frowned, my exasperation overshadowing my grief. "Well, not literally—"

"Then you oughta ask what he really meant." My mother removed my hand from her face and closed her eyes. "I'm tired, honey. Goodbye."

A thousand questions had arisen during her brief frenzy but I understood they would have to wait until another time. I swallowed my tears and rose to blow out the candle before I started off towards the door, leaving her alone and huddling in the dark.

I hurried down the stairs, set on avoiding my aunt, but Miriam bumped into me before I could reach the last step. She held up a green pouch that I recognized in the blink of a second and I forced it down my bag as I thanked her.

"You owe me big time now. What if you hadn't had access to soap, huh? Or a brush?"

I smiled. "It would've been the end of the world."

"Probably." She reflected a grin of her own and gave me a quick hug, dispersing before I had the chance to react. "Well, good luck with this then. And give those titans a good, nice smacking from me too, okay?"

"I will," I replied and led my steps to the front door. My smile had inexplicably widened and horrified with my reaction, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. "And in exchange—" I fought back another smirk before I whipped around "—take care of everyone for me. Yourself included."

Miriam nodded eagerly. "Don't worry about us. We'll handle."

I nodded back at her and as I passed the kitchen, my eyes steered towards the clock. There was still more than an hour left to go but I didn't want to stay even a second longer. My heart accelerated in pace as I put more and more distance between myself and the place I had so reluctantly but lovingly called my home for the last six years. I felt alleviated. Free. Excitement clouded my sorrow and the actual reason to why this was possible, but I mostly focused on my mother had said. It had struck a chord inside of me, that she as well as the commander obviously knew something about Sebastian that I didn't, and I was definitely going to find out what they were hiding. Likewise I decided to treat Miriam's concern about my disposition and social capabilities as something reasonable; I would try to be truer to both myself and others from now on.

I inhaled the fresh morning air with a grin. It had never felt sweeter to be thrown out.