Chapter 3: Delicate Doubts

The streets were mostly empty, hinting only a couple of haggard animals or a keen shop owner who wanted to start business early. I strode forward confidently, my boots thudding softly against the cobblestone, but my tempo slowed rather quickly as I didn't want stay too ahead of the meeting. Being well in time was a trait I had inherited from my father and something I was proud to present whenever possible—especially in front of my new employer and commander—but an hour was more than enough to make it early.

It wasn't until my legs finally reclined into a casual stroll that I realized how tired I was. I hadn't exercised even nearly as much as I had done during my military training or even before and my muscles were most likely weary and out of shape. For a second I foolishly freaked out and wondered if I would fit into a 3DMG harness again, but then I remembered how easily adaptable the straps were and exhaled. When I passed the next shop I examined my reflection in the windows and decided that my body shape had stayed almost the same; I was neither too skinny nor too thick, but I had definitely lost some strength.

I pressed my lips together and continued to walk. Will I even be able to use the Maneuvering Gear again? What if I've forgotten how to control it? I don't want to embarrass myself and fly into a tree, or worse—what if I don't know how to get into it? Or clean it properly? Isn't maintenance equally important as usage prowess?

I was closing in on my final destination. After I turned around the corner of a salon I found myself at the western gate, the only way into Wall Rose from Karanese. A couple of male soldiers equipped with both 3DMGs and rifles lazily scanned me head to toe and paused their chatting. Seeing I was no threat they returned to whatever heated argument it was turning into and I sunk down on an empty bench outside a nearby tavern.

Imagine, five years ago there were rarely any guards of either the Garrison or the Military Police Brigade who carried their Maneuvering Gear, I mused in bitter amusement as I placed my bag next to me. Even here in Karanese it was considered normal to be without those. But though I used to despise them for giving up the most essential part of their lifestyle, I can't help but to think how much I'd rather be spitting over their weakness than to see them trot around in those. Because it's a harsh and constant reminder how easily humanity's foothold shifted with only the strength of two—albeit strange—titans.

I sighed and leaned my head backwards against the tavern wall. The economy has simply gone worse with each year, sinking into catastrophic measures ever since Wall Maria fell. I can barely believe there's titans directly outside the walls right now, pounding on the gates to be let in and consume us for no particular reason at all. It could be just for fun for all we know.

My stomach churned in disgust. I closed my eyes and tried to think of anything else but the vivid scenery of a titan grabbing hold of my brother's body and clenching it lifeless before it threw him into its disproportionately large mouth… and I must have fallen asleep somewhere along my thoughts because suddenly, a warm touch carefully shook me back to reality.

I peeled open my eyelids and found myself staring at an equally startled, blue gaze. I blinked a couple of times, more than sure that I recognized him, although it wasn't until I quickly took in the proud emblem on his jacket that I reacted.

"Mr—No, Commander Smith," I blurted in shock and abruptly rose to salute.

The rapid movement threw me off balance, but he reacted quickly and steadied my reeling body with one firm hand on my shoulder and the other around my flaying arm.

"Well, close call," he commented when I stopped swaying, releasing his grip of me.

"Ah," was all I could muster, afraid that he would see the blazing hot proof of my embarrassment on my cheeks. "Sorry, sir. This is a horrible second impression. I was—am just really tired."

"Understandable. We all mourn our fallen, some longer than others."

I simply nodded, still too humiliated with what could be only compared to as my drunken jests to speak. I also tried to ignore the fact that this was the first time in many years a man had held me, but a longing ache stirred within me and I balled my hands into fists.

"Wait here."

My eyes were averted to the ground and so I didn't notice the large animal until it was directly in front of me.

"Do you remember how to ride a horse?"

At this I looked up and saw the commander hand me the reins of a large, brown mare. I must have looked puzzled but apparently not for the right reason, because he craned a thumb backwards, towards a small party of riders waiting beneath the gate. I was immediately relieved to know we weren't going to proceed with the journey alone, but I was also concerned about how far we were going if we needed horses and what would surely be an armed escort. But then, he was the commander of the Survey Corps, one of the most influential and perhaps disliked person within the walls. It would be pure idiocy for him to travel alone even through a small village.

"There's a horse for me waiting there." If I hadn't known better I could have sworn he sounded amused. "Your answer, Miss Berninger?"

I grabbed my bag and took the reins from him, swinging up into the saddle with surprisingly little effort. My self-assurance returned to me and since I believed my actions had spoken louder than any words could, I was able to no longer blushingly reply, "It's Sera, sir."

"Sera, then."

When we then approached the entourage in silence, I saw that my earlier guess had been accurate. On each side of their hips hung the large devices I had seen on Sebastian so many times before, concealed only partly by their forest-green capes. Sure I had seen the 3DMGs on many and in different occasions before, but there was something different with the way the members of the Survey Corps carried their gear. Perhaps it was simply my trained sight that pointed out who was and wasn't skilled with the devices and my opinions of them varied after that, or that my judgment was clouded due to personal feelings, but nonetheless I respected no other soldier as much as I respected those wearing the Wings of Freedom. I saw the Garrison guards send them condescending looks and gossip despite their proximity, but my own features must have been gaping in awe. Mentally, at least.

In the corner of my eye, I fleetingly noted that the commander was without his gear before I at last realized that everyone in his squad was observing me.

Some shamelessly stared wide-eyed at me, not even bothering to hide their confusion and surprise, while some gave me a hasty overview before turning their gazes straight. Nobody said anything, which I didn't know whether to take appreciatively or guardedly and for a moment I wondered if someone had painted something on my face. But before I had the chance to take a look in a window, the commander got onto a horse himself and signaled for us to follow his lead. He gave me specific orders to stay close to him at all times, and without any further elaboration or ado we finally set off into Wall Rose, away from Karanese—and my home.

We rode mostly in silence, keeping up a high but steady pace, with Erwin's voice now and then calling in which direction to go. Initially we rode on broad, well-attended roads bordered with villages or farms, constantly meeting other travelers or local residents on foot. But as time passed, we steered away from civilization and journeyed through breathtaking scenery with fields of grass or grain stretching as far as my vision could reach. Or well, until the walls blocked them. Wall Rose was still clearly visible over my left shoulder as it towered high towards the sky and in the distance, to the west and when a tree or a hill wasn't in the way, I could sometimes discern what I thought was Wall Sina. Curious to know where we were headed, I used what orientation skill I possessed and drew a mental map of the three walls. With its help, I almost instantly saw that we were heading south, towards Trost.

Where I had been born.

Another hour slipped by and although it was beautiful wherever I looked, my heart joyous to be away, I could only be distracted for so long. We pushed the horses hard and I grew both restless and nervous where I sat on the powerful animal, feeling as if she was simply following her kine instead of obeying my rare, awkward pulling with the reins. I was glad, though, that the horse was a better rider than me, because I was having my hands full just trying to remain in the saddle.

At the third hour, it was called to a halt. We were at an adequately sized resting spot not too far away from the pathway, with thick vegetation surrounding us from all directions. I saw no animals but I could hear the loud chirping from excited forest birds and the gleeful sound of a small brook. Erwin dismounted, his legs steady as his feet connected with the ground and I saw that everyone else was mimicking his action with ease. I, on the other hand, was unfortunately not too keen to get off the safety of my horse.

The commander's eyes landed on me as he patted his mount on the neck.

"We need to let the horses rest for a bit," he said in a casual tone. He didn't seem exerted at all. "There's still a good bit of the journey left and they need some water."

I immediately felt the gazes of the others on me and I forced myself to smile. "Yeah, I know," I waved him off. I was sweaty, exhausted and stiff all over. "I'm just not as quick as the rest of you are. Let me have a… minute."

His eyes lighted with understanding. "Do you require assistance?"

I shook my head. That would be neither appropriate nor right, a little voice whispered in the back of my head.

Praying I would make it without losing my face, I decided to slid off the saddle as slowly as I could. My right foot was tiptoeing on the ground when I released my stiff grip of the saddlebow and unhooked my other foot from the stirrup.

And I stood.

Only, my wobbly limbs betrayed me.

I panicked and grabbed at the saddle again when someone supported me. One hand between my shoulder blades and one beneath my left forearm helped me straighten until I could stand properly and independently again. I was disgusted with my weakness and suddenly, it didn't seem too far-fetched to believe I wouldn't be able to use the 3DMG again.

"I didn't take your physical condition into consideration," the commander stated a bit apologetically. "There's no reason to be ashamed," he went on when I remained quiet. "It's only natural it takes a while to remember everything, especially for your body. It should remember everything eventually, I'm certain."

At this my eyes widened and I turned my face towards him. Had he read my mind?

He patted me reassuringly and gave me a brief smile before leaving to tend to other matters and direct orders. I shifted uncomfortably beneath the weight of the rest of the party's gazes as I began unsaddling my patient horse, together with my bag of belongings. Careful not to dirty the fine leather, I placed it on a flat rock before returning to my yet very still and obedient mount, and rewarded her by leading her to the stream a couple of yards away from the resting spot. She seemed easy enough to satisfy as she greedily slurped the cold water; I was worried about the soldiers.

I absent-mindedly stroked her large back. I wonder what they think of me… I snorted. Or that's probably rather obvious. I'm a clumsy fool. What they must truly wonder is why I'm here.

Sighing, I glanced over my shoulder. A trio that was most likely standing guard chatted vividly and with large gestures, their faces aimed towards where we had come from, while two soldiers were stretching their hips, having removed their gear, and another pair was checking on the group's horses by the water as they shared some bread. The commander was perched on an old stump, deeply concentrated on a document he held and although I knew he would be polite enough to make conversation, I didn't want to disturb.

If it's already this hard making new acquaintances, I wonder how impossibly difficult it'll be later on, I brooded morosely as I turned back towards the water. My stomach growled and I pressed a cold hand to it. This is getting overwhelming. First chance I get, I'll check to see if I'm still capable of managing the Maneuvering Gear so I can get that ugly thought out of my head for good. If I make it then perfect. I will have proven that I'm not as hopeless as I've been contradicted twice now, which might be able to win me some respect… and perhaps a friend or two.

I paled. Another thought struck me and even though I tried to push it away, I felt my doubt rise.

But if I don't make it...

Erwin called. It was time to move along. I gathered my gloomy thoughts and returned to the group, ready for another couple of hours on horseback.