Chapter 5: Reminiscence

"Just—Sera! Get yourself together! Do you want to give up everything for this one lad?"

I crammed down my journal into my bag and zipped it up, hurrying past my aunt. Our shoulders collided and she managed to grab my wrist but I forcefully nudged it forward, away from her reach. I glowered at Miriam who was standing passively in the doorway to her room and directed a reproachful finger at her.

"How dare you tell her?" I hissed. "How dare you come to that conclusion?"

"The world isn't about you!" shouted Lydia angrily. "Leave Miriam out of it, she only did what was right. That man is evidently not good for you! Just leave him already and stop this madness!"

"You don't know him like I do," I yelled, tears of frustration rolling down my cheeks. I furiously wiped them away with the hem of my sweater as I almost tumbled down the staircase, giving Miriam one last venomous glare. "He's not a bad man, Auntie, if you would only realize. He's always only wanted what's best for me." I swallowed. "What happened was just a misunderstanding, I'm sure he has an understandable explanation and I'm going to him to find out."

I heard a loud exhale. "Can't you at least wait until tomorrow?" came her suddenly worried, soft answer. I huffed at her tactics. They weren't going to work on me this time. "It's late and the weather is horrid. I beg of you to take it slow, Sera!"

"No!" I screamed hoarsely. "I can't stand a single more second in this prison. I'm moving out! I can't stand either you, Miriam or mom anymore, you damned stupid, paranoid, pathetic idiots! I never want to see you again!"

Lydia managed to catch me in the hallway and spun me around. Her gray eyes were sad and disappointed, but very much understanding.

"You love him, don't you?"

I froze and my jaw dropped. Her words came at me like a sudden punch in my stomach. I hadn't even realized the truth myself, and it came oddly like a relief when someone finally said it.

"Sera, please be reasonable," she continued heatedly, obviously misinterpreting my daze as if I were listening to her. "You're only seventeen. Don't throw away your future on someone like him. He's not worth it. Hell, nobody is worth your life."

Her eyes filled with tears and her grip weakened. I escaped her and, without a reply, rushed out into the heavy rain. I could barely see but I didn't need to; my feet remembered the way.

"L-L-Levi?"

He said nothing but continued glaring at me, his face quickly recomposing into a perfect guise of cool indifference. Only his sharp gaze conveyed any emotions—bitterness, anger and shock—before it, too, came under his cold decor. I managed to tear my accusing eyes away of him and turned my attention towards the boy who had been brave enough to break the silence. His kind voice matched an equally sweet face and large blue eyes darted rapidly from me to Levi in an effort to put together the puzzle that was us. He looked so innocent I felt a strange, almost motherly care for him and worry rose in my chest as I noticed the thin layer of bandage wrapped around his golden head, although it didn't seem to bother him.

"It's 'Lance Corporal', brat," Levi spat. If it was to me or the pretty blonde I didn't know, but his next words were obviously aimed for me. "And what the hell are you doing here here?"

The amount of venom in his voice was palpable. I could feel it permeate and souring my mood, and my smile wavered.

"I would like to ask you the same," I replied with an innocent voice. "As for my presence; I'm now a Medical Officer of the Survey Corps. Can't you see the emblem on my jacket from up there?"

He snorted and folded his arms over his chest. I cursed myself for immediately starting to admire his strong physique and how it moved underneath the fabric of his blue T-shirt. "I'm here because Shitty-Glasses told me there finally was someone with advanced medical experience around. You don't happen to know where he or she might be?"

I raised my eyebrows. That was a low hit. But then, what else should I expect from such a short guy? "What, did you hurt yourself?" I wondered, my eyes rounding. "Got some dirt on your nose? I can solve that with a couple of counseling sessions, if you'd like."

He was boiling. I could feel it even as I stood five yards away from him. But as annoyed as he was at me, I was at least ten times more irritated with myself. I hadn't meant for the conversation to take such a quick turn into a competition of who could throw the cleverest insults. It was disappointing and utterly humiliating to be reminded how much influence he had over me.

My gaze veered towards our audience and I hurried to reconstruct a smile on my face. None of them were wearing either gear or uniform, not even Levi, and they watched me from across the occupied bed as if I were crazy.

"My name is Seraphina Berninger, but you can call me Sera," I said in a friendly tone. "Nice to meet you all."

They were still staring at me like I had cut off my hand and used it to wave at them.

"Sera?"

Terror made his voice quiver. The boy in the sickbed groaned and grabbed at his dressed head, his body slumping. Hands immediately flew to his side and an attractive girl with exotic features and raven, chin-length hair tried her best to push him down on the bed, but the boy brusquely shoved her away and straightened. Stunning green eyes met mine and his brown brows furrowed.

"You look so similar…" he whispered.

I paled but before I had a chance to answer, he slammed a fist into the mattress. "I'm so sorry. I… I could have saved him."

"Don't blame yourself, Eren. Nobody knows what could have happened. You did your best," said the girl comfortingly. Her dark eyes were sad but I didn't think it was because she had been rejected; she seemed genuinely sad for her friend's sake. "I should have been there with you, maybe—"

"Mikasa, it wasn't your fault!" blurted a slender guy with light ash-brown hair behind her. He had been keeping his distance from the other recruits but suddenly stepped forward. His brown eyes were hard but looked at the girl with tender care. "You always—"

"Jean, don't get involved."

"But it wasn't your fault! Just because Jaeger—"

"Shut up, both of you!"

The boy with the emerald eyes hid his face in the palm of his left hand but failed to conceal his bitter grimace. His cruel words had been laced with the unmistakable whimper of a person who was battling against his traitorous tears—and losing. I felt empathy for his curled shape but the reasoning for my next action carried a different agenda.

I… I could have saved him.

I hesitated in my choice but then decided that I didn't want anyone to listen to what I was going to ask him. It was hard enough to not shout at him right on the spot; I didn't want people to look at me as I broke down. The girl I presumed was Mikasa tried to reach her friend with quiet murmurs and so did the blonde. I quickly formulated a reasonable explanation and approached him.

"He needs some rest," I announced and tried not to hurry my steps as I squeezed past the slim passage between a deadpanned Levi and the end of a vacant bed. The familiar scent of him—he still used the same aftershave after all these years—sneaked up on me like a knife in the back and I temporarily forgot what I was doing. "Ehm… I-I must ask you to all to leave. Now," I added as the girl glared at me.

"I won't go anywhere," she replied sternly.

"Please," I pleaded carefully, "he won't get better with all of you breathing down his neck. You also need some rest. I reckon all of you were a part of the expedition yesterday?"

She nodded.

"Then I don't want to hear anything more about it," I concluded as I reached the bed. Its sole inhabitant was still covering his face. "Are you going to continue offend a higher-ranking soldier or do what's most beneficial to everyone, including yourself?"

A feral-like fury overcame her features and her sitting form tensed. For a moment I thought she would leap on me, but she restrained herself when the golden-haired boy placed a hand on her shoulder.

"She's right, Mikasa, we'll only be in the way for now." he said and briefly regarded me. "We've been here long enough. I'm getting pretty hungry and I think you are as well."

So am I. "Your friend will stay right here," I assured her, still feeling strangely intimidated by the girl. "You can come visit later tonight. "

Her dark eyes gave me one final look before she rose from the small stool closest to the bed. I didn't bother to see if the rest of the recruits followed her out of the infirmary; the girl carried little authority but the boy named Jean obviously harbored some feelings for her. He would go after her and the still unnamed boy seemed intelligent enough to see the logic in my humble request. When the door finally closed after their departure I awkwardly sunk down on the bed, close enough to touch the brown-haired boy by just raising my arm but far enough for it to be appropriate.

"Sorry I was so harsh on your friends," I began apologetically. He didn't react and I shifted uncomfortably. "So…"

"Will you ever be able to forgive me?"

I stiffened. He must have noticed because he raised his head and looked at me with eyes brimming with tears.

"I let them all die by not changing into a titan from the beginning," he rambled on, his voice thick with grief and self-disgust. "If… if I had only fought with them, they might have despised me for going against orders but at least they would be alive. They died… Sebastian died protecting me."

I inhaled sharply. This child… so the rumors are true. This boy is a titan-shifter—and the reason my brother is dead.

"Did you…" My throat was so dry it hurt to swallow. "Did you witness his death? How… how did he…?"

His gaze held a question but it was focused on something behind me. I heard a disapproving snort and I almost slapped myself in the face.

Levi was still here.

"Since she's joined the Survey Corps I guess there's no reason not to tell her," came the answer coolly. "So you're free to speak, but nothing about the titan itself."

I rose and spun around, immediately fixing my eyes on his handsome, impassive face. "And what are you still doing here?" I snarled, glad that my anger was enough to overcome my grief. Crying in front of him wasn't an option. "Wasn't I clear enough when I said that he needs to rest without any observers?"

"Believe me, nothing would make me happier than to get out of your sight," he said darkly, his forehead creasing. "But as I mentioned earlier, I'm in need of some medical attention as well. More so than the brat."

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Will you leave after that?"

"Sure."

"Deal, then."

I turned back to the boy and tried to erase my frown.

"I'll just deal with Levi first to get him off my back," I told him and gently touched his shoulder. "I can't think when he's around."

Oh, no. Did I just say that out loud? I fought back the heat rising in my face. "Rest and I'll check on you later."

He blinked but didn't shrink away from my cold fingers. He, too, seemed shocked over the way I spoke of the sure to be glowering man behind me. "Oh, okay." There was a pause. "I-I'm Eren, by the way."

"Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Eren," I answered and this time my smile appeared effortlessly. "I won't repeat myself: lie down. We'll talk later, okay?"

Eren gave me a nod before reclining into the bed. He settled a tanned, willowy arm over his eyes and slowly exhaled.

Poor child, I fleetingly thought as I took a deep breath, mentally preparing myself for a verbal skirmish against Levi who hadn't moved an inch since I first saw him. I gestured him towards the bed he was leaning against and as he silently obeyed, I noticed that his gait was unsteady. I hurried to his side, my heart beating hard against my ribcage and my hands shaking, and organized the pillows comfortably against the headboard before allowing him to sit.

"Which leg?" I asked in a low voice. I was frightened to be so near him, afraid of what more memories would resurface or be triggered by him, and did my best not to look at his face. It still hurt to think of him and remember how it had ended between us. Five year had done nothing to mend my wounds.

He was so close our knees almost met. I trembled but hoped he wouldn't notice.

"This one."

Levi raised both of his legs onto the bed in a stiff movement and tapped his left thigh. "It's the foot that hurts the most but I think the whole leg's taken a toll."

"What did you do?" I instinctively asked, a habit I had gotten during my days at the clinic.

"I blocked a titan's attack."

"Are you serious?" I blundered incredulously, my large eyes finding his. He was unmoved. "Why would you do that?" I went on and quickly averted my gaze. "I never thought you were suicidal."

"The circumstances weren't exactly the most favorable. I did what I had to do to in order to protect Eren and Mikasa."

His voice lingered, as if he wanted to add something but then decided not to. I had my suspicions that the subject had something to do with Sebastian but didn't say anything about it, knowing that it would erupt into another bickering. Instead I focused on the task at hand and tried to forget the identity of my patient. I had inexplicably felt a sting of jealousy when he said the girl's name, but I dismissed it as another malignant ghost of the past. I didn't need to think about that while treating him; who knows what I would do.

I unlaced and carefully removed his shoes and socks, glancing sideways to see his gorgeous mouth tighten whenever I touched his left foot. I went to the other side of the bed, feeling his sharp, criticizing eyes analyze every step I took, and went over the foot with my fingers, pushing and feeling the bones and the muscles beneath. He muttered profanities under his breath; I was enjoying his pain and no longer quivering, confident with my abilities.

Then, I found what was wrong. His whole leg tensed as my thumb ran over the spot again.

"Two… no, three of the bones in your foot has snapped slightly out of place," I said matter-of-factly. "But that's a small price to pay. Not many can brag how they blocked a titan with a foot. Impressive, really."

"Your sarcasm can go to hell. You've never been good at it, so just stop. It's giving me a damn headache."

This time it was my turn to freeze. My breath hitched in my throat and I stood completely still for what felt like an eternity but could have just been a minute. I was staring down at no particular thing at all, the world spinning to a stop around me, and tried not to think of how delightful it would be to cause him some suffering. It didn't matter if I would be thrown out of the Survey Corps the same day I had entered; at least I would've gotten back at Levi. But reason pulled me back from the verge of uncontrollable insanity: no torture in the whole world would be able to cause him even a tenth of what he had caused me. Because five years ago, he hadn't just broken my heart. He had torn it out, wrung it dry with his slender, artistic hands and crushed it beneath his fancy boot to simply walk away without even giving it another thought.

I returned to my senses and pretended to have been simply ignoring him and ponder over how to approach the injury. He didn't seem to notice but then again, his face was as expressionless and unreadable as usual.

"Nothing feels broken or especially swollen. Best way is probably to try and readjust the bones back in place," I said at last and rubbed my hands together. For once I wasn't being nerveous due to his presence.

Levi arched a graceful brow, immediately understanding my point. "Are you sure?"

He wasn't questioning my choice, I realized. Simply if I was able to go through with it.

I nodded but deep down, I was scared to fail.

"Then do it."

I went to one of the shelves and returned with a bandage of good length. I rolled up the trouser leg to his knee, revealing a skinny but muscular shin, and pulled a stool beneath me. My breathing ceased as I firmly grasped his ankle with one hand and then abruptly pressed down three fingers from my other hand on the tiny irregularity in his instep, forcing the bones into correct setting. A wet, clicking noise was heard and I examined my work. The foot was back to normal.

"Done," I said and allowed my lungs some air. My gaze traveled to his face and tried to find any signs that he was in pain, but other than a set jaw he remained calm. "I'll patch it up for safety measure and extra support but it should be alright. And although I would encourage you to move it as normally as possible, try not to kick anything else for a while. Oh, and the Maneuvering Gear is off-limits until I say so."

He made a characteristic snort. "Tsk, fine. Are we finished?"

"Not really…"

I hesitated as an inner struggle ignited within me. The nurse and the sympathetic part of me wanted to check and make sure that he didn't have any more injuries and if so, help him recover back to full. But the hurt me, the naive and vengeful part of me, would like nothing more than to ignore any further inspections. Fortunately for my patient, the former won.

"I want to take a look at your leg as well, especially your knee and hip," I went on, my voice gradually regaining its usual volume. I wrapped his foot with the bandage, careful but firm in my movements. "There might be a bone knocked out of place there as well even though you cannot feel it. A muscle can also have been strained and not retracted correctly."

Levi furrowed his brows. "What would you have me do?"

"Well…" I blushed. "I'd like you to… take off your pants."

The corners of his mouth twitched ever so slightly but he buttoned down his trousers without any complaints or rude remarks. My face was aflame by the time he wiggled out of the garment and neatly folded it on the nightstand. His t-shirt was long enough to cover his crotch but only barely.

And all I could think was: What have I done in my past life to deserve this?

"Satisfied?" Levi asked mockingly as he resettled. His piercing gaze betrayed nothing of his emotions, but I couldn't deny the challenge they held. The word was an innuendo.

Thinking clearly was almost impossible. My mind was still a hot, ugly mess and it took me every ounce of self-preservation to muster up a bored expression. Or that was at least what I was aiming for; I didn't know what Levi saw, but I could bet my position at Survey Corps that it wasn't pretty.

I didn't dare to answer him and instead tried to concentrate on doing what I should be concentrating on doing. I closed my eyes for a precious moment, hoping that the lack of vision would improve—no, restart my brain. The darkness helped. Soon, I could shut out his identity and think of him as another patient at the clinic, someone I smiled at and helped without really feeling anything.

It's always an emotional tempest with him, I told myself. He sees right through you. He knows which buttons to press to make you snap. You'll just have to adapt.

"I'll touch you now," I informed him as I scooted closer to the bed, my stool dragging against the floor. "Tell me when it hurts or if anything feels weird or out of the ordinary."

"It feels bizarre."

I frowned. "But I haven't even begun!"

Levi sighed. It was a heavy sound, and discomforting.

"Sera," he said gravely. I flinched and met his gaze. He leaned his chiseled head to the side and crossed his arms over his chest. I had never seen a wounded, half-naked man with more dignity. "What are you actually doing here? Shouldn't you be in Karanese?"

I opened my mouth but immediately shut it. No immature insults would help. Yet again he had managed to catch me off guard, and I needed to make sense when I answered.

"You really shouldn't be here," he continued. "'The path of the Scouting Legion isn't an easy one to tread.' The titans will slaughter you in an instant. Who even allowed you to join?"

His tone was sincere. There was no pity and no anger. I swallowed hard and rubbed my hands together.

"Commander Smith," I replied quietly. "He came by the clinic and offered me my position after he told me about…" My voice broke and I swallowed again. "I took off this morning with him and his escort."

"Erwin…" he muttered in confusion. "But what about your aunt? Miriam?"

It shocked me that he remembered her name. "T-they'll handle," I answered. "Actually, without me there they can handle everything better. Economy is rough and since… I need the money for their sake."

Levi's silvery eyes narrowed. "So that's the reason? You're risking your life for money?" he growled. "That's the stupidest thing I've heard today and that's quite a feat. You're going back to Karanese as soon as possible."

"What?!"

"You heard me," he hissed between gritted teeth. "I won't push your puny body any further today but first thing I'll be doing tomorrow is to talk to Erwin and get you out of the Scouting Legion. Permanently. And then I'll drag your arse onto a horse, bind you if I have to and lead you back to your aunt before midday."

I stared open-mouthedly at him. "But the money—"

"Don't bullshit me!" he snarled furiously, his stern features gone. "If you're doing this to be able to pay your aunt's stupid bills, then find another job! One that won't risk losing your damn head! Are you seriously going to throw away your future on something like this? Is it really worth it? Sera, what the fuck are you thinking with?"

Don't throw away your future on someone like him. He's not worth it.

I stood up so violently that my stool fell backwards. It smashed into the floor, creating a loud noise and probably a mark in the floorboards, but I couldn't care less. I couldn't take it anymore.

"Lance Corporal!" an infuriated someone called. I had completely forgotten that Eren was there. "What the hell is wrong—Sera! Where are you going?"

I hadn't realized I was rushing out of the infirmary but was happy I had when my sight began to blur. I scrambled up the staircase, charged into the room Hange had offered me and locked the door while fervently wishing that nobody would follow. As I tore off the Survey Corps jacket and my special boots designed for the 3DMG, I almost ended up prone over the suitcase with mentioned gear, but recovered my balance and was able to weakly crawl into bed, all while holding back my tears. I had time to unfurl my braid, notice the unfamiliar feeling of the bed and remember that I still hadn't eaten anything before a powerful mixture of anger, heartbreak and grief washed over me. My eyes flooded over and I wept myself to unconsciousness.

"Sera?"

I groaned. I could taste something disgusting in the back of my throat and almost hurled.

"Sera, whoa…" Someone crouched down next to me. A warm hand pulled aside something wet slicked to my forehead. "What the… Have you been out here alone all night?"

Something was in my hand.

"Nah…" I murmured. I couldn't peel open my eyes for some reason. "I had ol' good Gibson's with me."

I lazily held up the bottle.

"That ain't Gibson, you moron." It vanished from my grip. "Hmm… It's been raining so hard the label's been destroyed, but I'm pretty sure it's a nicely aged Johnson's."

I pouted. "Well, what the heck. It tasted the same."

"I bet. Now, let's get inside and wash you up; you're as cold as a corpse. Miriam!"

I stubbornly shook my head. "Nah, I like it out here. Fresh air, nice people…" I smiled slyly. "And there's this story I think you'd like to hear."

A sigh. "What's the story this time?"

My smile broadened into a grin. But when I opened my mouth to speak, only strangled cries could be heard. I tried again but I couldn't speak. Something warmed my face again and I thankfully raised my hand to feel the safety of his hands—but my fingers only touched wet cheeks.

"Eh?" I frowned. "I think it's raining again. But the drops are so warm… Is there something dripping from above?"

The world disappeared beneath me.

"Sebastian! Sera is—by the Walls! Is that her? Where did you find her? How is she? Quick, carry her inside!"

"Miriam calm down, please. I think she's been here most of the night and other than a hangover and a potential cold, she's fine. Physically, at least. What in the world happened yesterday?"

There was a pause. I tried to open my eyes but my vision was clouded and the sunlight hurt. I tried to assure Miriam I was alright but my voice only sputtered more unintelligible whimpers. I tried to move and get out of my brother's grip but I was shaking too much.

I gave up.

"We went to the usual bar even though I told her you wouldn't be there. You'd clearly said that you'd work, nothing else."

This piqued my interest. Was it a fun story?

"I was of course right—you weren't there—but she suddenly kept on going about how the lance corporal was in the bar across the street. I can't remember us ever going there but perhaps we have. Anyway, when we finally found him… he wasn't exactly alone."

Oh no. Stop there, Miriam. This one doesn't end well.

"Sera ran back here and locked herself inside her room. My words didn't seem to reach her and after about an hour of hearing almost nothing of her, I got really worried. So I woke my mom and told her everything, and she started banging on the door until Sera came out with her bag all packed and then there was a lot of screaming and shouting and…"

Miriam, shut the hell up.

"...Sera said she would move out. She left and although I tried to catch up with her, she was too quick and I lost her in the rain. I didn't think I'd ever see her again, but since she's here…"

Another pause. I knew that the strange, sniffling noise in the background was me crying.

"I warned her not to come to close to him," said Sebastian and sighed. His breath smelled fresh of peppermint and water. "Several times. Maybe I should have fully forbidden her to see him. But I know the way she likes to hang out with guys and never thought that she would actually…"

Don't. Say. It.

"...fall in love with Levi Ackerman."