Rated M for: Explicit language

Chapter 7: Terror

The water was cold. Excruciatingly cold.

I tried to disentangle myself from its paralyzing grip and forcefully kicked and clawed towards the surface as I had been taught, but something even colder blocked my way to freedom. I screamed in terror, ignoring the fact that I was allowing more of the freezing water into my system, and fervently slammed my hands against the smooth ice until my hands numbed and would no longer move. It felt like my heart grew double its size and slowed its pace in a desperate attempt to keep me alive for as long as possible, even without air, but the piercing cold permeated my body from both inside and out. It was tormenting, the brutal clash between my body and the water, life and death, and all I could do was to wait it out. The rational part of me knew that I wouldn't be able to resist for much longer.

When my muscles finally were too exhausted to struggle, it came as a relief to me. My stubborn heart steadily came to a finalizing stop. The darkness was infinite; I closed my eyes and let go of everything, glad that the pain was gone. Unknown forces greedily sunk their talons into my flesh and pulled me deeper down, away from the frozen surface of the lake.

But strong arms pulled me back up again.

"Sebastian?"

The warm touch quickly drew away and I raised a hand to my cheek. I frowned; my fingers were cold as usual. Only a dream, I thought, both in disappointment and relief.

"Good, you're awake. How do you feel?"

I didn't immediately recognize the voice. Alarmed, I managed to find the strength to open my eyes and found myself staring up into a dark ceiling. Shock and fear jolted through me but when I tried to sit up, a searing pain shot out from my abdomen and my head spun.

As she brought her stool closer, Hange's kind face came into my view. There was a notebook in her lap and a pen behind her ear, and she was clad in uniform.

"Take it easy now," she said in a calming tone. "You're really, really bruised up."

"Where…" I croaked, "where am I?"

"In the infirmary." I stiffened but only for a second; again my body screamed in agony. "You've been knocked out ever since Shorty brought you here around midday."

My first instinct was that she was lying. I couldn't be in the infirmary. Why would I? Was this another dream? But as I gradually regained consciousness, I smelled the strong odor of disinfectant and felt something soft wrapped tightly around my torso and my head. Everything, every bone, muscle and organ hurt and my frown deepened as I tried to recall what had happened to me.

To no success. There was only a blinding pain where my memory should have been. I asked my observer if she knew anything.

"Shorty did mention something," Hange answered as she put a finger to her chin. "Hmm… Oh, I'm pretty sure he barked: 'Four-eyes, I need you in the infirmary!' with that rude glare of his. And I who was really busy with the tooth… Anyways, he also wanted a scissor for your bra."

She folded in on herself, reaching to fetch something off the floor. Heat rushed to my face as she held up a slaughtered piece of fabric I only recognized due to its pattern.

"He sure was eager, wasn't he?" She grinned and my face grew even redder while I pulled up my blanket to my chin. "I'm sure you can stitch it back somehow… someday."

"O-Oh, thanks for saving it…" I guess. "And thanks for patching me up… but did Levi say anything about how I was injured?"

"Oh, that?" She shrugged and dropped the bra on top of the nightstand. "Something went wrong during your test with the Maneuvering Gear. You hit the back of your head pretty bad and took a beating to to your ribs. I wouldn't suggest you to do situps anytime soon."

I blinked. Horror washed over me as my brain worked through her words. I couldn't breathe. "I… I failed?" I whispered, my throat tightening at the words.

"Hmm…" Hange said hesitantly. "I don't know, but you really shouldn't worry about that. Surely, this was an accident."

"How could it have been an accident?" I hoarsely exclaimed. She averted her gaze and I attempted to rise again, too panicked to bother about the teeth-grinding pain. "No… no, no, no! I can't have failed! I just… I-I can't! Hange, please—"

"Lie down," she commanded me in a tone that clearly left no room to protest. I instantly obeyed and her harsh expression smoothed. "Please don't make this any harder for me than it already is. Levi asked me to look after you but you're already tearing yourself apart. What can I do to make you rest?"

I hadn't noticed it at first, selfishly distracted by my own anguish, but Hange looked tired. Exhausted, really. The flickering candlelight on the nightstand may have exaggerated the shadowy hollows and angles in her face, but I was still the cause of her plight. Shame strangled my throat and I swallowed nervously.

"Sorry," she said, misinterpreting my silence as fear. "I've just been busy all day and now, due to your accident, I'll have to ride to Stohess in the middle of the night."

Hange put emphasis to the word "accident" and I bit back an angry reply, knowing that she was only trying to be nice. Instead, I decided to focus on her strange mission.

"It's a district of Wall Sina, right? What are you going to do there?" I wondered as I touched my forehead, rubbing my fingertips against the bandage.

She seemed confused, but reassembled herself in a second. "Oh, it's nothing, really," she said with her normal, cheerful voice. "Just gonna set up some things for a friend…ly visit."

"Right…" I answered awkwardly.

Hange frowned but then abruptly got to her feet, almost knocking her stool to the ground. She must have forgotten the notebook in her lap and as it slipped to the ground, a flurry of papers escaped its tight confinement. Some of the smaller notes managed to find its way onto my blanket, caressing my arm as they landed, and I grabbed a sheet, instinctively raising it in level with my eyes. I only managed to read the first few lines before Hange snatched it.

"That's… nothing," she sternly said and put it back into the journal. Before I had a chance to speak she went on. "I better get going now since you're awake. Erwin wanted to speak to you but maybe it should wait until tomorrow…"

"The commander?" I asked, temporarily forgetting the contents of the note. "Why would he want to talk to me? Does it have anything to do with…" I shuddered. My voice was weak when I continued. "...with the result of today's test?"

Hange shrugged and gathered the rest of the papers on my bed before she tucked them between two pages in her notebook. "Maybe," she pondered, although she sounded skeptical. "But it's probably about the other thing. Anyways, Sera, please don't go anywhere; I'll send someone to switch with me since you might have a concussion. And I'll see you tomorrow, hopefully."

She hastily glanced at me, her brown eyes revealing concern behind the lenses of her goggles, and then started to the door. She paused just before she exited, her jaw tensing, but said nothing more. The door creaked shut and I was left alone.

I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, letting out a breath I hadn't even been aware I had held.

What did I just read? That is impossible. It must be.

Someone entered the infirmary. I peeled open one eye to see who it was but closed it just as quickly.

"Go away," I muttered and attempted to turn to my side, biting down a moan as my body protested against my sudden movement. "Did Hange only find you to babysit me?"

"Don't be immature, stupid." Two hands gripped my naked shoulder and forced me back into the mattress. Sharp, silvery eyes pierced into mine and a familiar scowl was etched onto his handsome features.

"You're surprisingly strong for being such a short guy," I stated dryly. We were so close I could count each and everyone of his long eyelashes and although his complexion was as enviously spotless as always, I noticed the first signs of aging: there were slight wrinkles around his eyes and the skin was taut over his cheekbones. He was still gorgeous, even more beautiful than I could remember, and I dreadfully realized that he would always make my heart ache in longing. The thought would have burst me into tears right now and then if my pride hadn't stopped me; I didn't need him to antagonize me for my biggest regret in life, especially not when I did it well enough on my own just by being around him.

Levi snorted and promptly straightened, unaware of my inner conflict. A hand still lingered on my skin but it was probably just there to assure I would remain on my back rather than to comfort me. It still gave me solace, though.

"And you're even worse with the Maneuvering Gear than I thought," he retorted and glanced at the nightstand. "First thing you do is to slam into a tree, embarrassing yourself in front of the brats. Fucking great job."

I blushed and resisted the urge to put my hands over my ears. Eren's face flashed before my sight. "About that…" I soaked my lips. "I don't know what happened this time but I promise you that if I get another chance, I'll make it work. I… I know I can still do it."

To my surprise, Levi didn't respond with an insult. He pulled away from me and perched on the same stool as Hange had occupied earlier, crossing his legs and arms in an elegant posture. A heavy sigh escaped his lips and he creased his forehead.

"What?" I asked, puzzled by his reaction. "You don't believe me?"

Levi didn't answer. The dim lighting created a dark aura around him and painted dramatic shades across his already well-defined face. He, too, looked exhausted but if it was because he was forced to tend to me or because he was simply tired I didn't know. I shouldn't really care but I did, and as I blamed my aunt and Miriam for making me so sympathetic during the years at the clinic, I decided to try to make small talk with him.

"So, how's Petra?" I wondered as I stared up into the ceiling. It was uncomfortable to turn my head sideways. "I haven't seen her in… a while."

It had been five years since I had last heard of her. I had met her through my brother and Miriam; she was one of the members of Levi's squad and Miriam's childhood friend. Initially, I had enjoyed her company the few times she followed me, Miriam and Sebastian to different bars but when I realized she only came whenever Sebastian managed to drag out his grumpy squad leader, I stopped liking her even though Levi assured me that there was nothing between them. I couldn't really deny that she was a good person, motherly in her ways, but it was impossible for me to overcome my jealousy and when things finally ended with Levi, I had taken distance from her and everything that could remind me of him. I hadn't wanted to hear her petty inquiries about my welfare through the letters she passed via Miriam and Sebastian, knowing all along what she would ask when she thought I'd had enough time to get over my heartbreak.

If I would allow her to be with Levi. As if I had to grant her my blessing before she could claim him as his. Needless to say, I had never replied to her. And needless to say, she eventually stopped writing. Sebastian hadn't had to come up with excuses to leave every time I asked about his work and the subject landed on the two. I knew. I could only hope he would break her heart like he had demolished mine.

I had gotten so deep into my musing that I hadn't noticed Levi's absence of answer until the silence almost suffocated me. It surprised me; he wasn't exactly talkative but neither was he a silent person who would have nodded me an answer. I frowned and turned my head sideways with a half-hearted taunt about when they were going to marry on my tongue, but I stopped dead in my tracks as I saw his face.

The cold silver in his eyes, the condescending, criticizing glare I was so used to seeing was gone and he stared emptily at nothing in particular. His face and strong shoulders were relaxed but not in a pleasant way, simply hanging lifelessly at the mercy of gravity, and his lips were slightly separated, as if he couldn't breathe properly. I had seen the same expression only twice before: once when my mother had found out about what had happened to her parents in Shiganshina and once very recently.

I was looking at my reflection the day after I had heard about Sebastian. It was a warning that no matter how content we are within the walls, no matter how happy we live and spend our time in this world, we stand powerless in front of the titans. It reminded me of humanity's curse, our permanent predicament, that no matter how powerful you might become, you're born into a horribly gruesome world where no amount of hatred or love, sorrow or joy could ever compete with the absolute dread that the titans spread.

Because we are, after all, only human. There's a limit to all of us.

The burning pain I felt when I attempted to rise was nothing compared to the violent, torturous agony I felt when I saw Levi in that state, but my body wouldn't let me reach out to him. I wanted to comfort him, tell him that everything was going to be alright, and for once I didn't feel disgusted with myself for my wish. Nobody, not even Levi, deserved to suffer a loss of a loved one and especially not at the hands of the titans. I suddenly remembered what Eren had said the day before yesterday, in the infirmary.

I let them all die by not changing into a titan from the beginning. If… if I had only fought with them, they might have despised me for going against orders but at least they would be alive. They died… Sebastian died protecting me.

"They", I thought, feeling my cheeks drain with color. He even said it several times but I didn't take too much note of it… I should have realized.

"Levi?" I tried. "Are you alright?"

Immediately, his demeanor changed. His gray eyes froze, his graceful stance returned and his jaw tensed. His features contorted into a characteristic scowl and he snorted.

"Why wouldn't I be?" he replied coolly, his voice revealing no other emotions.

I made an effort to sit up again but he was quick to push me down this time. I let him without putting up with any resistance, happy that he no longer was numb—I couldn't put in word how terrified it had made me to see him that way.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I know she meant a lot to you—"

"Not really. It was never like that," Levi interrupted. He wasn't trying to shrug it off; he was bluntly sincere, but not in a malignant way. He was being himself. "They all fought well."

"'All'?" I repeated, furrowing my brows in confusion. When I understood I tried to get up again. "Wait, you mean—"

Levi snorted. "Tsk. How troublesome you are," he cut off and changed seat, his hip brushing against mine as he sunk down on the mattress. He placed a steady hand on my shoulder. "Sebastian wasn't the only one who died, Sera. They all did."

"How?" My voice broke. I was too distraught to bother about our sudden intimacy. "They… they were amongst the very best. My brother was second only to you!"

"My squad protected Eren," Levi answered in a low tone. His silvery eyes were harsh but not at me. "And I wasn't there with them."

"Why?" I was fighting furiously against my tears. "What really happened out there? What kind of… atrocity did you come across? How did my brother die?"

He sighed and looked away into the distance, contemplating something with himself before he turned his gaze back at me. "We were trying to lure out another titan-shifter from hiding," he began. "She was after Eren so we used him as bait and when we succeeded to capture that ugly bitch, we split up; my squad would get the brat to a safer place until we had dealt with her. But she managed to escape and I was too late when I found them… Sebastian was the only one who was still breathing."

I covered my face with my hands, adamant to not let him see me cry even though he could probably feel my trembling. Levi paused at my motion but then continued.

"I couldn't stay with him to the end and neither did he let me—the titan-shifter had taken Eren. I tried to make it back as fast as I could but he had disappeared by the time I returned. There were carcasses of several titans and traces of so many more; Sebastian had led away a horde to protect the others. I had neither time nor gas to try and find him."

I wept uncontrollably. After a moment of silence, Levi's hand vanished from my shoulder and so did the weight next to me.

"Shitty-glasses told me to keep you awake for a couple of hours," he said softly. "We don't have to talk but try at least to stay conscious. I'll be back with some tea."

I merely nodded. My throat was too stacked up with tears and stifled moans.

"Don't try to move," Levi ordered before he left. "You're still too weak."

And for once, I fully agreed with him.