The blood sputtered as the blade delved deeper into his wrist.
The pain was rejuvenating.
He could bask in the refreshing pain all day long.
But the sight was something else.
It was spectacular in his opinion. A puddle of blood sprayed across the tile like faded blossoms.
A land of withering roses.
He plucked the blade out swiftly and whined, his heart hammering against his chest as he slouched exhaustedly against the wall.
The pain was hypnotizing. It was like an addiction.
He had long lost count of how many times he had done this, to his wrist, to his body, to himself…
Every time he had to suppress the urge to snap, he would dash to a deserted corner and cure himself.
Pain was his sole remedy.
It helped him forget and remember; forgive and let go…
It distracted him.
It reminded him of his existence, of how human he was like everyone else- human enough to feel the agony and anguish, to wail and shed tears like his counterparts.
Scars lined up neatly along his pale wrist. Some were old. Some were new. Never were they fully healed.
New ones kept adding to the old ones, deepening and widening the gash.
He would wear coats to protect his arms. Even in summer, he would be seen with a cardigan. No one was to know. No one had to.
The pain was his alone.
It was his fault. His fate. His doom. Alone.
"Oh man, I can't believe the awesome me is placed next to a freak!"
The door was flung open loudly, followed by shuffles of heavy footsteps. Ivan froze and lolled silently against the toilet seats.
"Ve~ That isn't very nice, Gil~ He has a name."
"Yeah, Frankenstein."
"I'll tell Ludwig you said that~"
"Hey! That's so unfair, Feliciano! It isn't even my fault to begin with! I specifically asked to be placed next to brother or Roderich! That slut put me next to a creep instead!"
"Ve~ You called Ms. Héderváry a slut! I'm gonna tell on you!"
"Stop being so cocky! You've got my brother already! What more do you want!"
The door was booted open again as Feliciano dashed out of the lavatory.
"Hey! You haven't zipped your pants, Feli!" Gilbert's bawl echoed down the hallway as he chased after his Italian friend.
Ivan stared hollowly at the tainted blade, his hands trembling.
It didn't have to take a genius to figure out whom Gilbert had been talking about. He was so certain that the Prussian was referring to him- the notorious creep of the entire school.
And he thought he had already given his best shot smiling cordially at Gilbert when they first got assigned their seats at the beginning of the new semester. He didn't attempt to initiate any conversation because he was timid. He had thought a casual, amiable grin would do the trick. Yet, like many others, Gilbert was not at all impressed. He was, instead, intimidated.
Everyone felt menaced by his smile, which Ivan could never seem to comprehend.
He had always tried his hardest to act approachable, to look pleasant and normal but still…his effort was futile.
He had come down to one conclusion- he was born this way.
It was fate.
School was an incessant loop of torture for Ivan Braginski, who had never succeeded in befriending anyone since middle school. He had a friend once and he would never forget how he practically drove him away with his own imbecility and childish envy. Toris was the only person he could ever regard as a companion but that unstable friendship had always been hanging loose on a thread. Toris tagged along with Ivan simply because he sympathized with the lonely Russian. It was actually an act of pity, which Ivan was never aware of. The string eventually broke when Toris encountered Eduard and Raivis. When Toris decided to drift away from his side, Ivan could barely handle the loss. He still wondered what went wrong and snapped. His exasperation and grievance, however, didn't bring Toris back but further incited the Lithuanian boy to flee from was then Ivan realized the contemptible side of his.
His rage was massive. His grudge was ceaseless. When he flipped out, he lost control and went about hurting those he cherished.
In the end, all that was left was him, alone, to deal with the aftermath.
He would have quit school if his sister hadn't been encouraging him to get into a college. She was now the only one person he could cling to. His parents died young. He was never taught how to love or be loved. But this sister he could call a family member protected and sheltered him unconditionally. He knew well enough he could trust her. She was the reason he was still enduring till this day.
The bell chimed boisterously signaling the end of lunch break. Ivan grunted and tossed the blade into the dustbin. He rolled down his sleeves and strode out of the cubicle, merely managing to wash his wrists and clearing his tears before returning to his homeroom.
Oh well, it was Mathematics and he was seated next to that obnoxious American again.
Ivan tried to maintain his composure as he listened absentmindedly to his teacher. All the while, Alfred, his insolent neighbor, was making all sorts of brusque gestures and grimaces to his best friend- Kiku, who was sitting a few meters away. Ivan was sure Alfred was ridiculing him because when the American turned back again, he was winking scornfully at him.
"Dude, stop staring at me. You're spooking me out," Alfred scoffed.
Ivan averted his gaze instantly. Though fueled with fury, he inhaled deeply and calmed himself down. He just figured the goofball wasn't worth one percent of his attention at all.
The lesson dragged on forever. It didn't help much with Alfred practically disrupting the flow of the lecture every thirty minutes, with Feliciano being called on by the teacher every twenty minutes to remind him not to doze off in class and with Gilbert being scolded every five minutes because he was pretending to be a bird.
Worst of all, Ivan was picked to answer a challenging question that no one seemed to be able to solve. He had an intuition that the teacher chose him intentionally just to embarrass him in front of the class. Normally, he had no problems with Mathematics but this one question was just too difficult, not to mention that he wasn't paying much attention with Alfred shifting uncomfortably next to him.
When all the glances fell upon him, it only aggravated the situation. Ivan felt as though he could explode.
They were all waiting for him to answer but their gazes were all sending him daggers. Those expressions were flooded with scorn and annoyance. Everyone gaped at him like he was the odd one out, the ultimate outcast, the…freak.
"Mr. Braginski, can you answer this question?" the teacher asked again.
"Nyet, sorry," Ivan muttered sheepishly and sat down, fixating on the ground. He heard a few snickers and the loudest one came from Alfred, of course.
"Alfred Jones, if you know how to snicker at someone, you sure know how to answer to this question, right?"
The snicker trailed off. Alfred widened his eyes incredulously but retained an absolutely playful expression on his face. Just then, the bell rang. The American leapt up and whooped elatedly. "Yay! End of the lesson. See ya, teacher! Hahaha!"
If Maths was a torment, then gym had to be a living hell.
Ivan didn't expect to be requested to remove his scarf and cardigan, despite sweltering summer days.
He held onto these garments like his own life, not because they were given to him by his precious sister but because they masked his wrecked body. He swore he would die if anyone were to see those scars that stretched from his neck to his shoulder.
"Ivan, this is my last warning, remove those unnecessary clothes before we can proceed to our next game."
"Nyet," Ivan refused immediately, glaring up at his gym teacher, Mr. Adnan. He flinched instinctively as everyone turned to stare suspiciously at him. A few classmates were already whispering and tattle telling to one another.
"Remove them or you're not participating in this lesson."
"Let me help ya!"
Suddenly, a pair of arms clasped around his scarf and hauled it off. Ivan shrieked and spun around reflexively, shoving Alfred down to the ground. Everyone gasped and frowned curiously at the stitched blemish surrounding Ivan's neck.
The Russian shuddered in perplexity as his only protection from public judgment came off. He glared balefully at Alfred and clenched his fists. When he heard the soft mumbles circulating among the crowd again, he growled and scooted away as fast as his legs could carry him, ignoring all the callous comments flung at him.
"Ivan Braginski, come back here!" Mr. Adnan bellowed but Ivan didn't halt. He kept on sprinting speedily until he reached the stairs. He scrambled up and up and up and…eventually he stopped on the rooftop.
He couldn't fathom why his legs brought him there, but at that very moment, when he saw how insecure those fences were, a terrible thought started swirling in his mind.
He puckered his lips miserably and skittered towards the railing. He could easily cross over it and leap into the air. Then THUD! Everything would end in a second. All this humiliation. All this frustration. All this pain.
"Why am I still living anyway…" he asked himself.
He was a worthless piece of scum. Everyone deemed so.
He couldn't make a friend to save his life.
He couldn't even survive a school day without being insulted constantly for his eccentric looks and eerie demeanor.
The one friend he had ever had abandoned him for someone else.
He shut his eyes serenely and felt his weight against the railing. Slowly and tentatively, he crossed over it and stood on the edge.
No one would regret his death.
No one would miss him.
Every single day, life was the same for him- monotonous and anguishing.
Nothing would ever change the fact that he was an alien always isolated and despised by others.
He was a creep. A freak. A jerk.
No one would tend to him.
No one would understand him.
No one would love him.
So, why was he still living?
Why?
"Don't underestimate the power of gravity. If you fall from here, I'm sure it's going to hurt a thousand times more awful than what's paining you right now."
Ivan almost jumped in bewilderment as he suddenly heard the voice.
"Imagine every single joint of your body destroyed. Listen to the sound of your bone fracturing upon the immense collision. Your gorgeous skin will be scraped off. You will die a very hideous and degrading death. Do you seriously desire this?"
Ivan whirled around with a bemused frown, his heart racing manically as he came face-to-face with a mysterious raven-haired boy.
"Well?" The boy tilted his head anxiously and furrowed his brows. "More importantly, shouldn't you be asking yourself- is it worth it? Are those people worth your life?"
"Who are you?" Ivan asked, still flabbergasted by the abrupt appearance of an Asian boy. Sure enough, the school he was attending was an international academy that basically admitted students from all over the world, but he could swear he had never seen this boy around before. The only Asians he knew were a Japanese otaku named Kiku Honda, an annoying Korean boy named Im Yong Soo, his deadpan, enigmatic twin brother Im Hyung Soo, a solemn bookworm from Macau whose name was never mentioned explicitly and this extremely impassive Hong Kong trickster called Leon Wong. Never in his memory had he bumped into this stunning Asian with such an adorable, tender voice.
"I'll tell you my name if you step back here," the Asian boy bargained. "Please, life is precious. Whatever it is that's bothering you, we can figure this out. Just come back here, okay, Yi-wan?"
Ivan gasped, thunderstruck that the stranger knew his name, though he pronounced it inaccurately.
For reasons he could never conceive, Ivan actually grabbed onto the boy's hands and rolled over the railing. The Asian blurted out a relieved sigh as he pulled Ivan closer to him on the safe side.
"One false step and you'd have made the worst error in your life aru."
"You still haven't told me…who are you…" Ivan stuttered, his hand shivering in the other boy's grasp. The Asian seemed to notice how flustered and perturbed Ivan was. He released the large, chubby hand at once and chuckled coyly.
"The name's Wang Yao. You can call me Yao." Yao held up his hand again for Ivan to shake it. Reluctantly, the Russian took the much smaller hand into his palm, his face still flushing from the awkward encounter.
"I'm a Chinese," Yao added to his introduction. "In case you wonder."
Ivan didn't reply, for he was so drowned in the other's striking appearance. There was something about Yao's aura that captivated him. The Chinese boy had his shoulder-length silky black hair tied neatly into a convenient ponytail. His stature was petite but he emitted a wave of splendid confidence and grace. His two amber orbs almost sparkled with every blink. Ivan had rarely seen anyone with this remarkable colour of eyes.
"красивая (beautiful)..." Ivan mumbled uncontrollaby.
"Sorry?" Yao frowned and scratched his head. "What did you just say?"
"N-Nothing!" Ivan blushed immensely and stared at the ground, fiddling with his fingers nervously. It had been a while since he last had a decent, ordinary conversation with anyone about his age. And indeed, he did find this Chinese boy very enthralling and elegant. He was very eye-catching and handsome too.
"H-How…did you know…my name?" Ivan stammered, still twiddling his fingers to quell his frayed nerves.
"Um…let me see…" Yao mused, cocking his brows as he tried to recall how he got Ivan's name. "Aha! I remember seeing you here before. You often come here after school to stare aimlessly at the sky. I heard you yell out loud a couple of times aru. What a unique way to relieve stress."
"But my name…"
"One time, a girl came to pick you up. I think she called you Yi-wan or something."
"My name's Ivan…"
"Yi-wan."
"No, Ivan."
"Yi-wan?"
"Da…" Ivan giggled, making the other boy look puzzled.
"What?"
"Your accent is cute da, Jao."
"I'm Yao." Yao corrected.
"Jao."
"Yao."
"Jao-Jao…"
"Never mind."
And they both burst into laughter upon realizing the other could never pronounce their name appropriately.
"Sorry."
"No, me too aru." Yao tittered.
"It must be very embarrassing da…" Ivan muttered with a fiery blush. "you saw me several times but why…why haven't I see you before…"
"Oh, I was just around the corner," Yao nodded and pointed to the mini-green house where no one had bothered with the plants for years. Amazingly, as Ivan's eyes roamed over the glass windows, he could see everything flashy and green inside.
"I used to manage the Gardening Club but it got dissolved three years ago after it couldn't admit enough members. I still take care of those plants though," Yao laughed proudly to himself. "By the way, I'm trying to plant some four-leaved clovers here. I heard they bring good fortune aru."
"It's beautiful…" Ivan commented, glancing eagerly at the well-tended green house. Yao had absolutely taken great care of the place, despite working alone.
"Are you…I mean, were you the president?"
"Yea, I was," Yao smiled. "I was also the vice-president of Home Economics Club and the secretary of the Student Union."
"Oh…" Ivan frowned as he remembered the despicable American was also in the Student Union, and the current president at that.
"So Yi-wan…can you tell me why you were leaning so dangerously over the edge? You gave me quite a heart attack back there!"
"I…" Ivan paused, unable to describe the exact situation to Yao. He still hadn't pulled himself together after all this shock and surprise.
"Is there…something troubling you aru?" Yao asked. "You know you can always count on your senior! I can always help out since you look like a cute teddy bear!" The Chinese boy joked, patting Ivan's shoulder mirthfully.
"T-Teddy…bear?"
"Haha! Yes, you surely look like one. You remind me of a stuffed bear I used to own when I was small. Fluffy. Chubby. Big."
"Big?" Ivan's heart skipped a beat when he heard the word "big". People had always feared him because he was "big". "Is…is that a bad thing?"
"What? No! Why should it be? I can't believe I can meet a giant, living, walking teddy bear! It's my utmost pleasure aru! Oh, I still haven't said that but nice to meet ya!"
"Did you say you're a senior?" Ivan asked, a bit flattered at all the unusual compliments. People hardly praised him. In fact, they hardly respected him for that matter.
"Well, I'm in my last year here. You?"
"No wonder I haven't seen you before. So…you're my upperclassman?"
"Yup! I saw your grade 10 textbook. That makes me older than you aru~ Simple as that. So, trust me, I'm a problem-solver. I can always offer you any assistance you need. To be honest, I used to be a member in the Counseling Club too, when I was still a junior like you!"
"Just…how many clubs were you in, Jao…" Ivan sneered, unable to contain his laughter as he saw Yao pout with a childish pose. He doubted if this highly enthusiastic and conceited Asian could heed his problems.
"Come on! Believe it or not, I used to be depressed like you. Look." Yao confessed and rolled up the sleeves of his cardigan. Ivan gasped in disbelief as a series of faded scars were presented to him.
"Sh…this is my secret," Yao whispered, making a "keep quiet" gesture. "Don't tell anyone about this. I only let you know since you kinda look like an emo. I guess you often do this to yourself too, right?"
Without asking for permission, Yao seized Ivan's wrist and inspected his wound. Ivan whimpered and quickly retrieved his hand in defense.
"Here, Yi-wan," Yao rummaged in his pocket and tossed a tiny roll of bandages towards Ivan. "If you don't patch it up, it might get infected. I got it once. It hurt like hell. But then again, pain is all we want, isn't it?"
"Please…don't tell anyone…" Ivan hummed.
"No worries aru! We're allies! But I quit doing that some time ago because I figured there's always a way to tackle a problem. So, just look on the bright side, Yi-wan! What's wrong with your life anyway?"
"I…I don't know how to say it…da…" Ivan sighed, creasing his brows together. "Aren't you…aren't you scared when you talk to me…?"
"Huh?" Yao frowned, mystified. "Why should I be?"
"I…I'm new to this school…"
"I know. I've only seen you since a couple of weeks ago."
"And…they're scared of me…because I look big and creepy…Can't really fit in…I hate school…Can't make any friends…Everything in my life is wrong da…Everything is on the wrong path…"
"I don't think so aru." Yao shook his head firmly and crossed his arms. "It's just you thinking that something's wrong. Well, maybe something's really wrong, but for every action, there's always a reaction force. You double the trouble with your own pessimistic thoughts. Oh but that's all what high school despair is all about. I tell you what, I'm friendless too! I always screw things up and even if I eat a ton of fortune cookies I always end up getting back luck. Suck balls! That's how life is. I mean, if your only problem is having no friends, Yi-wan, I can be your friend if you want! And no! I don't think you're scary! I wish to grow that big. I'm always teased for being feminine which is so damn irritating! You know how things go in an all-boys' school aru." Yao pulled a disgusted grimace and lowered his volume. "There're so many desperate perverts in here!"
"Y-You…mean it?" Ivan widened his eyes.
"Yes! Like they keep writing me sickening love letters every day even though I tell them to buck off!"
"No…I mean…do you…really…are you willing to be my comrade…?"
"Comrade?" Yao blinked inquisitively. "That's a fascinating term. Sure, I mean hell yes. Like, you're friendless and I'm friendless. We can be allies aru! And I need a lackey, no, I mean an assistant to help with the green house too! Haha! Oh and-" Yao yelped as a pair of arms suddenly enclasped him.
"Y-Yi-wan?" he gasped, taken aback by the Russian's tight embrace.
"Спасибо."
"Huh?"
"Thank you!"
"Woah…you…you're welcome?" Yao said, though he wasn't sure why Ivan was showing him gratitude.
"Yi-wan?" Yao chirped after what seemed like an eternity. Ivan was still hugging him. "I think I just saw your girlfriend."
"Huh?" Ivan let go of Yao and scowled. "I…I don't have a girlfriend, Jao…"
"That girl…" Yao pointed to the woman with light-blonde hair below. "She always comes to pick you up at the school gate?"
"That…oh…she's my big sister…I got into trouble again…that's why the principal's called her over…" Ivan sighed in dismay.
"Oh, tell me later. Should you be going now?"
"Da…will…will we see each other again?"
"Definitely," Yao nodded. "Go now or they will be searching all over for you aru."
"Well then…I shall see you tomorrow da?"
"I'll be here anyway. I'm going back to gardening. See you later, Yi-wan." Yao hummed as he turned around and strutted back into the greenhouse.
For the very first time, Ivan felt incredibly calm as he got called into the principal's office. Even if he knew his sister would be very upset with his misbehavior, he couldn't imagine how delighted she would be when he finally told her that he had met a friend.
And his name was Yao.
"Jao," Ivan smirked as he plodded downstairs, readying himself to deal with the daily mishap.