"Jao-Jao?" Ivan hissed, popping his head into the greenhouse ardently.
The Chinese boy perched on top of the roof, humming softly a painfully tranquilizing song. Although the Russian had not an idea what those mollifying lyrics meant, he could tell from the melody the grief it contained.
The light filtered into the house, illuminating a couple of freshly blossomed flowers. Ivan beamed as he spotted sprouts shooting up from the soil. Gleefully, he climbed onto the greenhouse's roof and nudged the Asian.
"Huh?"
"Jao-Jao, you should see them! They're growing! Our sunflowers!" Ivan exclaimed, dragging Yao down with him.
"Aiyah, I was taking a siesta. You've just ruined my dream aru!"
"Jao, I want you to see this because it makes me happy. I think they look very beautiful!" Ivan whooped. "Da?"
"Yea, they surely are developing well," Yao nodded in agreement, smiling proudly at his work.
"But Jao…are we not gonna be able to come anymore?" Ivan asked glumly as he recalled his unpleasant conversation with the others.
"What? Why?"
"They said we aren't allowed to come here anymore. We have never been permitted to do so…" Ivan cited, "Is that true? Must we abandon this greenhouse?"
"Non-sense. I've already sent in an application form to the Student Union and requested the re-formation of the Gardening Club." Yao frowned, crossing his arms contemplatively. "It should be fine since we now have two members. You're in, aren't you?"
"Of course. But…are you sure Ludwig will approve of it?"
"I don't care. I won't leave these flowers. Never!" Yao persisted. "This is the place where we met, Yi-wan. It's also the place I've spent most of my school time in. It's like my secret garden; my comforting zone. There's no way I'm gonna just listen to their bullshit."
"You know them…Jao?"
"I told you they're a pain in the neck," Yao pouted. "Ludwig is okay. He seems competent and diligent enough. I can't say much about his brother though. He's a hot-tempered oddball- clumsy, loud and narcissistic, pretty much like Alfred. The American is a nosy, self-centred goofball, always poking his nose into others' business. Feliciano is fine, I assume, but too hyperactive and reckless, not to mention he's as dense as a brick, like his twin brother Lovino."
"Who's Antonio and that…that guy that looks a lot like him?"
"Funny you should say that. They hate people saying they look alike. Antonio is Spanish. He loves tomatoes to death and is just as obscene as Francis whenever he's around Lovino. The one you mixed him up with is Afonso. He's Portuguese and he has a ponytail. You can actually tell them apart with that. And then there's Francis…he's…well…he's indescribable. You'll just have to figure it out on your own, hopefully without being mentally scarred."
"He's a pervert, da?"
"Romanticist is the right 'word'," Yao laughed.
"Jao-Jao seems to know them very well da," Ivan smiled, though he couldn't help feeling a pang of envy stirring in his heart. "Are you guys close friends?"
"No," the Chinese boy denied instantly. "We're classmates. Well…just."
"They talked to me at lunch yesterday…They said the Student Union is against our coming to the rooftop."
"Ignore them aru!" Yao yelped, flailing his arms in agitation. "The Student Union likes imposing unnecessary rules on students in this academy to reinforce their authority."
"Da, I also think we should ignore them. If we can't come here, how can I meet Jao-Jao?" Ivan grinned widely and draped his arm around the Asian's shoulder.
"You know…Yi-wan…" Yao mumbled sheepishly. "Distance isn't really a matter…If we really wish to see each other…there's nothing to stop us aru."
"Why do I feel that it sounds like a love confession?"
"Aiyah! No! That's not what you think aru!" the Asian blushed immensely, wiggling out of the other's grip.
"Has Jao-Jao dated someone before?" Ivan tilted his head curiously. "I wonder."
Yao's face paled at once. He fidgeted fanatically with his fingers as he struggled to reply the Russian.
"I take that as a 'yes'?"
"Yes…" Yao whispered, his expression sinking as tears re-surfaced his eyes. "It's just that…"
"Sorry, Jao. I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to upset you. I just wanted to know more about you! Sorry! Please don't cry." Ivan said abruptly, cuddling the smaller male to pacify him.
"It's okay aru…" Yao smiled faintly. "I think I've gotten over that already. The fault was mine. I thought he loved me but well…he didn't…He left for someone else, ha."
"This is cruel. I don't understand how someone could do that to Jao-Jao. You're amazing. You're the best person I've ever met. You deserve so much better." Ivan growled, trying to picture himself walloping the one who had shattered Yao's heart.
"Thank you aru. But I'm fine now because I have you."
"Da. No one will hurt Jao-Jao when I'm here. We'll keep this greenhouse together, no matter what happens."
"Yes, we will," Yao nodded, burrowing his face peacefully into the warm, broad chest.
Another week passed. The application form Yao had sent in earlier was ripped off by the Student Union. Their request to re-form the club was discarded immediately and considered as a mere prank. It wasn't until Ivan saw Yao's dejected face that he decided to confront Ludwig and demand a re-assessment. The German brushed it off as if it was a terribly set-up joke. Ivan couldn't comprehend it but relented before he slapped Ludwig in the face.
"Quit imposing on us! This is not funny, okay?" The incensed German had vociferated.
"All you need to do is to approve with a tick, da? I don't see how hard that is. We won't bother the Union much either. It's not like we're-"
"IVAN! There's no Gardening Club in this school! There will never be a club with only one member!"
"But there are two of us."
"Get out of here." The paper was torn into pieces and tossed back at the confounded Russian.
"Now," Ludwig howled, pointing directly to the door as every single member of the Student Union loured at Ivan.
The Russian staggered backwards with soaring rage but refrained from lashing out as an image of Yao's distraught face flashed across his mind.
He raced back to the rooftop and hugged the Asian as tightly as ever. Yao gasped but didn't cringe. He wrapped his arms around the shuddering Russian and sighed. "It's okay aru. Did they pick on you again?"
"They're picking on us!" Ivan cried.
"There, there, Yi-wan, it's only logical they banned us. It's a small club, actually too small to be even called one. I think we can always sneak up here aru. It doesn't matter if they've disapproved our application."
"But this isn't fair. You've been looking forward to re-forming the club and they…"
"Their decision doesn't affect what we've been doing and what we're going to do in the future. It's all clear in our heart, right?" Yao smiled optimistically, gesturing to his right chest.
"You're right. Let's forget about them."
And the topic never came up again between the two boys. They continued visiting the rooftop regularly; watching over their plants and laughing at their own jokes. They had lunch together. They spent every self-study break and recess chatting and frolicking around, simply reveling in each other's company.
Their relationship blossomed along with those sunflowers they planted together. Ivan was overjoyed when he first saw them bloom. And Yao's valiant eyes radiated just the same amount of warmth and brilliance as those vibrantly glowing petals.
The Russian was so in love. So very in love with his comrade.
忘了有多久
I've long lost track of time
再沒聽到你
It's been a while
對我說你 最愛的故事
Since you last told me your favourite tale
Ivan listened as he painstakingly dipped his brush into the colour plate. Painting had been something he had taken up recently to calm his nerves and relieve his school pressure, as strongly advised by Yao.
Yao's head nestled against his lap. The boy's eyes were clenched shut, his lips curved gorgeously to form an enigmatic smile as he hummed the song he frequently sang.
我想了很久 我開始慌了
It's been on my mind recently
Driving me quite insane
是不是我又做錯了什麼
Have I done something wrong again
Am I the reason why you're crying now
He filled the gap with a shade of twinkling amber, the skeleton of the sunflower gradually laid bare in sight. He picked a similar colour and traced his brush around the figure's orbs.
你哭著對我說
I can see the tears in your eyes
童話裡都是騙人的
As you tell me fairytales are lies
我不可能
You say that it's impossible
是你的王子
For me to be your prince charming
A little turquoise for the leaves. A little bistre for the stem. A little canary yellow for the petals. Cornsilk for the porcelain skin; and black for the hair.
也許你不會懂
Perhaps you don't understand
從你說愛我以後
But since you said you loved me
My life has changed
我的天空
And the stars in my sky
星星都亮了
Have all started to twinkle
He paused his work for a split second and gazed down at the Asian. Those limpid eyes were glinting in grievance. How he wished he could lick away those straggling tears. But first, he had got to know the root of his sorrow. And he pledged to eliminate it for Yao.
我願變成童話裡 你愛的那個天使
張開雙手變成翅膀守護你
I wish you could see
I'm willing to be the one
And the angel that you love
I'll spread my wings for you
With my open arms
I'll always be there
Ivan put down his paint brush and caressed the dangerously striking face. His fingers trailed around the glistening pearls as he bent down to kiss those tender lips. With a gentle rub, those tears were gone, leaving only a faded trace of sadness.
你要相信
相信我們會像童話故事裡
幸福和快樂是結局
You've got to believe me
That you and me
Will end up living happily
In our own fairytale story
Yao returned the kiss elegantly, the light hovering above blinding him.
His mind was swaying. He wanted the truth. He needed the truth.
He had had it with him but he couldn't untangle it.
He couldn't decipher this unbearable feeling piling up in him and that was shoving him to the brink of mania.
"Jao-Jao, do you believe in fairytales?"
"No aru." Yao shook his head assertively. "They never come true."
"How so?"
"They are only tales to lull a child to sleep. They're drugs to appease people's corrupted mind."
"Oh."
"Well, do you?"
"Only in the ones you've told me."
"But I believe in miracles aru."
"Don't leave me, please?" Ivan purred, burying his face in the other's crook of neck. "I don't want to feel lonely again."
"I know….although I have a question."
Yao pulled away from his friend slightly and waggled his brows.
"Your painting is called 'Sunflowers'. Then why are you drawing my face? Shouldn't you be drawing a garden full of 向日葵?"
The Russian blinked at his half-accomplished work and then back at Yao. He chuckled and picked up his brush again.
"Jao, you're my sunflower da."
" When you're done with my portrait, please give it to me aru."
" Da. I'll draw a dozen more for you if you want."
Ivan smiled as he remembered his promise to Yao. He scampered upstairs eagerly, clutching the completed portrait close to his heart.
His feet stopped at once when the door came into his sight.
It was slammed shut.
Locked.
With a sign hanging on it that said "NO ENTRY ALLOWED".
Ivan frowned and rushed to seize the knob. It wouldn't turn no matter how hard he swung it. He punted the door a few times. The frame remained firm and concrete.
"Jao?" Ivan chirped, hoping that his lover was somewhere around. If they couldn't go to the rooftop, where could they meet?
And more importantly, what would happen to their greenhouse? Oh, their beautiful secret garden!
"Damn it," Ivan cussed and spun around. He plodded downstairs swiftly and headed straight to the grade 12 classrooms. He didn't care if it was brusque of him to suddenly intrude Yao's classroom. He just needed to see him so badly.
"Jao!" Ivan dashed into the Asian's homeroom, capturing almost everyone's attention. The Russian blushed bashfully and took a second peek at the sign on the door. Certainly, it read 12A, which was the elite class Yao was studying in.
"Jao? I'm looking for Jao," Ivan whispered. A couple of boys furrowed their brows and exchanged cynical glances before scanning the light-blond eleventh grader from head to toe.
"What did you just say?" An Asian boy wearing a pair of spectacles asked, putting down his Chinese-style fan calmly.
"I'm looking for Wang Jao. Is he here?" Ivan asked again, looking around desperately in search for a particular face.
"Wang who?" Another boy butted in, shaking his head in doubts.
"WANG JAO." Ivan raised his volume and stared at the boys with pleading eyes. "Where's Jao? May I know where he is, please?"
"Jao? Did you say Jao?"
"YES, are you deaf or what?"
"Sorry, but I think you've got the wrong class," the first boy said, scowling. Just then, a familiar Portuguese sauntered into the room and gave the Asian a surprise hug. "Stop it, Afonso."
"What're you doing, Cheng?" Afonso asked, before noticing the Russian at the door. "Oh hey, it's you…"
"I'm sure this is the right class da. Jao told me he's in class A." Ivan checked the room meticulously, feeling beads of sweat dripping down his forehead as everyone threw him bizarre glances.
"Hey, this is the senior homeroom. What're you doing here?" Francis and Arthur appeared subsequently, followed by their companions.
"I said- I'm looking for Jao. Where's he?" Ivan repeated his question rather impatiently. He was getting fed up with everyone's oblivion.
"Like I said, there's no one called Jao in this class. Please look somewhere else." The Asian boy sighed and adjusted his glasses.
"If Jao isn't in this class, then where could he be?" Ivan snarled, nearly seething with fury.
"Ivan Braginski, if this is a joke, stop it at this instant!" Arthur bawled. By then, the class went silent and every dubious glance fell upon the British boy.
"Let's talk this over outside," Afonso suggested nervously, leading the gang out of the classroom.
"Now, tell us what you demand from us, Braginski."
The Portuguese had called on both Gilbert and Antonio. And of course, just in case any trouble broke out, Ludwig tagged along with his brother.
"I don't understand what you're saying. First, you forbade us to go to the rooftop, which is insanely ridiculous. Second, you dismissed our application to reform the club. Now, you fucking lock the door and chase away Jao! I should be the one asking- WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US!"
"Ivan Braginski, if you're here to avenge for your friend, you can just tell us already! Stop pulling all these pranks on us! We won't yield to them just so you know!" Antonio growled.
"Like I told you- I don't understand a thing you're saying!"
"Ivan, we're sorry if we've pissed you off earlier but this doesn't give you the reason to retaliate with such a wicked joke!" Gilbert argued.
"What joke? I'm not joking with anyone of you. What on earth is going on? Where's Jao?"
"The Jao you're talking about is Wang Yao?" Francis gasped.
"Da! He's my best friend! I'm just trying to find him because we usually meet on the rooftop and now the door is locked! We can't even go back to the greenhouse damn it!"
"Stop it! This is not funny, okay?" Antonio cried, almost tearing up. "Stop this joke already!"
"No one is joking!" Ivan bellowed. "I'm damn serious and please get the fuck out of my way!"
"Hold on, who's this Yao you're looking for?" Francis asked, his eyes widened in horror. "What does he look like?"
"THIS!" Ivan snarled and uncovered the portrait. It took a long moment for everyone to react. And it struck the Russian to see how they all looked extremely terrified.
"I just want to know…where Jao is," Ivan mumbled. "Isn't he your classmate? He's in class A, da."
"Ivan…did you say you meet Yao there every day?" Gilbert gulped, feeling a lump in his throat.
"Da. We go there to look after the plants. We take care of the greenhouse. I met him three months ago on the rooftop. We've been meeting each other there since. That is," Ivan turned to glare at Ludwig. "Until the Student Union screwed up everything."
"Wait…three months ago…so…you aren't Yao's childhood friend?"
"Nyet. But we're pretty close. What does it matter anyway? It's none of your concern." Ivan grunted.
"Ivan, there's no one called Wang Yao in our class." Arthur said painfully. "There has never been this person in this school for three years…The one you saw…couldn't be him. If you're just coming to take revenge for what we've committed years ago, just tell us what you want with us. We apologize for everything…I mean, we'll do anything to redeem our sin."
"I still don't get it da." Ivan shook his head vigorously. "Where's Jao? He's the one with long black hair and beautiful amber eyes! He's Chinese. He always talks with a speech tic 'aru'! And he's from class A!"
"Please, don't say anymore…" Afonso sobbed, stumbling back and squirming in trepidation. "Jesus…the rumour is true! The rooftop is really haunted…and Yao's finally coming to get us!"
"Stop it, Afonso!" Gilbert shoved his friend aside furiously and wailed. "Ivan, we've told you already. Yao isn't here! There's no one called Yao in our class! He's dead! He committed suicide three years ago!"
The boys all broke down in tears as the excruciating memories kept flowing back to torment them. They all gazed at the Russian with begging eyes, hoping that he would stop bringing up the name that plunged them forever in remorse.
"I…don't…know…what you're…saying…" Ivan could only blink hollowly at the gang, deeming they might have all gone berserk.
"Ivan…the application form you've sent me…it wasn't a joke then?" Ludwig asked solemnly.
"Jao was the one who sent you the form! You ripped it apart!"
"This…is impossible…I thought…I thought you wrote down his name as the club president on purpose…"
"Didn't you come here to avenge for him?" Antonio huffed. "Because of what we did to him?"
"Nyet…you guys are crazy…you guys should rot in hell…I won't allow any one of you to speak ill of Jao. He's alive. He's fucking alive! And he's my friend! MY BEST FRIEND!" Ivan shrieked and trotted out of the hallway. Out of this maddening place.
He searched everywhere.
He checked everywhere.
He explored almost every single corner of the school.
It hit him like bolts of lightning that he, in fact, knew nothing personal of Yao.
He had only known about his family, his interests, his likes and dislikes, his identity as a sophomore.
When Ivan came to think of it, he had never even met Yao anywhere beside the rooftop. They had kissed but never dated. They had texted each other but never talked on phone.
"Where the hell are you, Jao? Please come out…" Ivan wept, his mind mingled by the fact that there was no way he could find his dear friend.
Because he had never physically existed there.
"There is no student named Wang Yao in our school," the lady at the general office had stated so firmly after Ivan begged her to look through all the files and documents.
"We had, however, someone with the same name here three years ago. Wang Yao. A Chinese boy in grade nine."
"Nyet…" Ivan shook his head. "Jao is in grade twelve. He told me so. He's my upperclassman…"
The Russian wandered about the campus, asking everyone that came in his way. No one could provide him a satisfactory answer. No one could even recognize the name Wang Yao.
He only stopped until he felt himself on the verge of losing his sanity.
What is happening?
Is this all just his hallucination?
"Sumimasen…" a tremulous voice murmured. "Ivan-san?"
Ivan lifted his head slightly to face his petite Japanese classmate.
"I heard that you're looking for someone called Wang Yao…"
Ivan perked up. "You know where Jao is?"
"Can I have you for a moment, please?" Kiku Honda muttered sullenly and motioned the Russian to follow him.
They went into the school library. Once they reached there, the Asian asked Ivan to settle down near a computer.
"Ivan-san, I have a question to ask." Kiku waited politely for Ivan's response.
"Da. As long as it can help me find Jao."
"Who are you to Yao-san? Are you two friends?"
"We are."
"I see…When did you meet my brother?"
"Your what?"
"My brother. Wang Yao is my brother."
"I met him three months ago on the rooftop. Why do you ask? I don't think this is relevant to-"
"This is not possible," Kiku intercepted sharply. "My brother's no longer in this school. The one you met has to be someone in his disguise. Someone's been pretending to be nii-san."
"Why are you all telling me that Jao isn't here? I SAW HIM WITH MY OWN EYES! He's real! He was right there yesterday! We even…we even…talked for hours and promised to meet again today to look at the sunflowers!"
"Then tell me, is this what he looks like?" Kiku pulled out a picture from his pocket and showed the Russian.
There on the photo was a younger version of Yao dressed neatly in school uniform. He was shorter then but other than that, everything, ranging from the hairstyle, the appearance, the smile and the charisma was the same as the one Ivan saw.
"That's him!"
"Well…I...I think you should see this, Ivan-san."
Nothing could paralyze Ivan more than the headlines on those newspapers. When he gripped the first clipping into his quivering hands, he could only goggle at the title blankly.
DEPRESSED SCHOOL BOY COMMITTED SUICIDE
No…this couldn't be right.
Someone must have put him on again.
Ivan crumpled the paper and hurled it to the nearest dustbin. Then, it came the next one. With the same photo of Yao. The same name written on the article. The same title of event.
CHINESE BOY JUMPED OFF THE ROOF AT SCHOOL
No…he wouldn't believe it.
There was no way it was true.
No…
BULLIED HIGH SCHOOL BOY KILLED HIMSELF
"You're lying," Ivan blubbered and bounced up from his chair. "You're all lying! Even if you despise Jao, there's no way you should slander him like this!"
"Ivan-san, please listen-"
"Shut up! I don't want to listen!" Ivan yelped and bolted out of his school. "This is just a dream. Yes, I must be dreaming….kolkolkolkol…"
"Where are you, Jao-Jao?"