Ivan flung open the door forcibly and ran upstairs. Ignoring his sister's anxious remarks, he locked himself in his room and slumped down on his bed, his face as pallid as a sheet of paper. Torrents of tears trickled down his eyes as millions of thoughts surged in his mind. He curled himself up into a ball and sobbed quietly until he realized he couldn't determine what was right and wrong; what was real and what was not anymore.
He lay there inanimately and drowned himself in questions that he knew he could never answer. There was so much he didn't know. So much he wished to know.
He wanted to see Yao.
He wanted to meet his sunflower.
He needed to see him.
Urgently.
He sprang up from his bed and darted towards his computer. He started surfing the net, desperately seeking a proper answer to clear his doubts. Either to his relief or vastest horror, he found Yao. The truth unfurled like a devastating fire gradually subsuming and blistering him in aching flames. More tears cascaded down his cheeks as he read through each line that described precisely what had happened; how the incident took place and who were involved.
The boy in the photo always looked the same.
It was Yao.
Wang Yao.
His spellbinding, flawless sunflower.
And they always reported the very same result.
He jumped off the roof.
He chose death.
He committed suicide exactly where they first met.
"Vanya? Vanya? Are you alright?" A knock came on the door and startled him.
"Brother?"
"Leave me alone," Ivan murmured, stifling a whine that almost leaked out through his dry lips.
"Vanya, did something bad happen at school today?" Iryna persisted, knocking on the door several times before trying the knob.
"No! Just leave me alone!" Ivan cried and crawled back under his duvet, hiding himself in darkness for the rest of the night.
The next day, he left home early to avoid breakfast with Iryna. He rushed to school with a racing heart. He knew exactly where to find Yao and there was no way he would give in without trying. Nothing could stop him from making the one decision he deemed right for himself; whether everything was just a fraud, a reverie, a nightmare or a prank…There was only one truth- Yao was as real as could be, in contrast to every information he had received from others.
He twirled the knob violently and banged on the door. It wouldn't open. Growing petulant, Ivan started kicking the door in an attempt to break it down. He could almost hear Yao's whispers on the other side of this barrier that segregated them; that had shattered his hope and trampled on his heart.
"Jao…" Ivan huffed, before an idea popped up in his mind. He scurried into the lavatory and broke a faucet pipe. It had got to work somehow. He prayed for God to heed his call. Just this once. He got to see Yao…
"Dude, what're you doin'?"
Ivan growled but didn't stop his deed, despite recognizing that blithe voice.
"I'm asking you, dude! What the hell are you doing breaking the door?" Alfred hollered, clutching the Russian by his elbow.
"Leave me alone!" Ivan shrieked and glared at the American, shoving him down to the ground. "It's locked. If they don't open it, then all I'll have to do is to break it down."
"Dude, calm down!" Alfred adjusted his displaced glasses and captured the Russian again, striving to pull him away from the half-smashed door. "Whatever you're doing, stop it!"
"Nyet, I can't stop! I HAVE TO SEE JAO!" Ivan howled, pinning the unyielding American to the wall. He didn't care if his tears were exposed to the blond. He couldn't suppress the wave of distress raging in his heart.
"Dude…what's going on…" Alfred, for once, was awe-stricken by the Russian's increasingly peculiar and terrorizing act.
"Alfred…" Ivan panted, struggling to maintain his composure. "You saw him…right? That day…you saw us on the rooftop…inside the greenhouse…you saw Jao-Jao too…Is that right? You saw him too…so it was real…"
"What're you talking about?" Alfred frowned before realization struck him all at once. "No…dude….seriously….I only saw you that day…talking to yourself…talking to those plants."
Ivan released the other boy and staggered backwards.
"Dude…is something wrong?"
"They all said he's dead…nyet…it's not true…Jao-Jao isn't dead…" Ivan walked upstairs. "You guys are tricksters….you like picking on others…you think this is funny? Entertaining to you? Screw you all!"
The Russian trod downstairs and headed straight to the conference room. He barged into the Union's base and turned everything upside down. He broke open several drawers and finally grabbed a random key. Alfred was still rendered in perplexity when Ivan returned to the roof entrance. A piece of paper slipped out of his pocket as he inserted the key to the key hole. The American picked it up but couldn't help gasping in sheer shock as remnants of memories flooded his mind. It all came clear to him now. Even though he was always criticized for being dense and imbecile, he could still decipher what was written on the news at least. It wasn't something that concerned the gang only but also the reason why his and Arthur's relationship had never worked out. Sure enough, he remembered that beguiling Chinese boy that used to be the centre of everyone's attention; the one that he couldn't believe his British ex-lover had taken granted for and exploited. He was the one classmate he, the self-claimed hero of justice, couldn't save from ending his own life. He could still remember the day the news was brought to him like a catastrophe; a divine retribution that plunged them in endless guilt and self-accusation. He wasn't affected the most because he had never participated in their wrongdoing. But when Arthur showed his ashen, pathetically rueful face in front of him, he lost his control. Their relationship officially came to an end right there. The British could never live out of his remorse and atonement. As for Alfred, he soon forgot the event and moved on. How the rest of the gang survived the ordeal had never come to his question and he had no desire to know either. It was their fault. Their own misdeed. They had to redeem their own sins.
"Wait, Ivan!" Alfred hissed, but the door was already shut closely and there was no sign of Ivan Braginski.
Ivan wobbled into the greenhouse. Everything happened in the blink of an eye but this place remained the same as ever. Aromatic blossoms roamed the house, showering the place with enchanting fragrance and phenomenal beauty. Mellow fruits perched neatly on the branches and the birds were chirping a symphony. Their sunflowers had bloomed with spangling golden leaves. It looked like a paradise. It looked like a dream.
"Yi-wan?" The voice was saddening. It still sounded beautiful though.
Because it belonged to Yao; his one and only love.
"I'm glad you were able to break in…I was beginning to fear that no one would ever notice the door was locked…" Yao cackled, before a pair of strong arms laced around his smaller body. Ivan squeezed the body tightly, feeling the warmth and concreteness of its skeleton. He sniffed at those glossy locks and traced his lips along every inch of the bruised skin he could reach.
"So you figured it out aru…" Yao mumbled solemnly as he pulled away from the Russian.
There was no mistaking it.
Yao was real.
But was not…
His tears wouldn't stop.
Those sheen bruises and scratches had never faded. Patches of purple and spots of crimson were painted everywhere on the Asian's body.
And he...had been so swept away in his gorgeousness that he had never noticed any of these traits. It was only when Yao's sleeves were rolled up that he saw those stitched marks permanently ingrained on his otherwise fine, faultless skin. His heart hammered against his chest. His hands trembled to find their pillar. He couldn't stop embracing the other male; to convince and fool himself that he was indeed alive.
"Jao…tell me this isn't true…"
"Listen, Yi-wan…I didn't realize I was trapped here until now…" Yao admitted painfully. "I have been…oh God…I have been lingering around so aimlessly…I couldn't remember a single thing that happened before I met you…I only…I only had fragments of stories to tell you…When you woke me…when your call woke me…I saw you. I met you…I knew it was you I had to save."
"Jao, you'll always stay here with me, da? You promised…"
"Yi-wan, I don't think that is possible now…" Yao smiled miserably. "It seems that…I don't belong here…I never do…"
"Nyet! You promised! You couldn't just break your vow. I don't care what you are. I just want you here with me! Please…don't…do this to me…I…I…"
"You know…I was really delighted when you said you were craving for a friend…and when you accepted me genuinely as one…I just felt that some part of me was finally mended…and the gap inside my heart was bridged…I used to be caged here, so caught up in loneliness I couldn't even break free from my own chains. It's been three years aru…So long…And I've forgotten why I was here in the first place. I wasn't supposed to stay…but you hailed me…your shadow looked so frighteningly familiar because it reminded me of my own and the foolish mistake I once made. God brought me here for a reason…I wanted to guide you…to cherish you…to tell you that it was alright to just be yourself. And yet, I got lost in our friendship and even fell in love with you…I'm sorry aru…"
"What happened, Jao…what happened to you?" Ivan asked, shaking his head in despair.
"It doesn't matter what's happened…The past is the past. But now…I only wish for you to listen carefully to me this time…" Yao took a deep breath and smiled at his friend. "It's such a pleasure to meet you, Yi-wan Braginski. Thank you so much for everything you've given me. No one, I mean, absolutely no one, has ever treated me as well as you have. I was so carried away I couldn't even find my path anymore. Whatever happens, promise me one thing though, please, please…don't ever hurt yourself because there's always someone who loves and treasures you. This is something you've taught me; something I was too blind and silly to realize in the past. I was so wrapped up in hopelessness and hatred. But you…you made me realize there is always one place in the heart where I can find the sunshine and the love I thought there could never exist. For this, I'm eternally grateful and I wish…just this once…I wish…I wish I could have met you earlier…"
The Chinese boy wailed, his tears glimmering like the brightest jewels in the light as he leaned in and planted a chaste kiss on Ivan's lips.
"Thank you for staying with me," Yao grinned. "我愛你."
"Nyet…Jao…don't…please…" Ivan shrieked as the other boy started to fade, bit by bit, into the broken light. "Please stay!"
"Yi-wan, we were so much alike but you're luckier. You're blessed aru," the Asian continued to smile. "I'll always stay around you. I still don't believe in fairytales. But miracles are real."
"Jao!"
Ivan trotted forward and grabbed the slender wrist. At that very moment, light sparkled and engulfed him. Tears glittering like pearls pelted down onto his face as the boy vanished completely from his sight.
"I haven't…even said I love you…"
The Russian fell on his knees and wept.
There was so much he wanted to say but nothing mattered now. The moment he touched Yao, he saw through his memories. He lived through him. He was just another him.
In his vague consciousness, he could see Yao's back as he was facing the sky. He saw him standing close to the edge with his battered body and blemished soul; crying to the heaven and for the love that he could never possess. He saw Yao squirming on the ground in tears as his goddamn father almost beat him to death. He saw Yao locking himself in the lavatory and cutting his own wrists until he succumbed to anemia. He saw Yao weeping silently in one corner as if loneliness had never left him since the day of his existence. And then…he saw him spreading out his arms like a pair of wings. He saw him leaping into the air like a wild bird. Only…his wings were broken and he eventually landed in a mass of flesh.
" I don't want you to die, Yi-wan. I had a future ahead of me but I ruined it. You have yet to see lots and lots of wonderful things in this world. Don't repeat the same mistake I've made. Live on. Enjoy the life as it is on my behalf aru."
"JAO!"
He squealed until his throat went sore and cried till his eyes were blind.
Ivan collapsed to the floor, his gaze never leaving the blossoming sunflowers as his heart mourned for his bleeding love.
If only I could have met you earlier…If only aru."
"Ivan!"
When he regained his senses, he was in the infirmary.
"Dude, you okay?"
Ivan sat up clumsily, the twinge in his heart never subsiding no matter how long he lost his consciousness.
"Ivan, are you alright?" asked the Prussian worriedly.
"Get out…"
"Huh?" The boys exchanged a few glances and scowled at the Russian.
"I said-GET OUT!" Ivan barked. "I don't want to see any one of you! You've all hurt Jao. You're all murderers!"
"Look, Ivan, we're sorry. I know apologies don't mean anything to you right now but there's nothing we could do." Antonio muttered morosely. "And yes, we did do a couple on Wang Yao three years ago…We were all immature then. We didn't know we would go that far and push him to death. We were all in for fun which I know sounds really irresponsible and unjustifiable now. But I just wish to tell you…we would do anything just to amend our fault. If he were here…we would do anything just to show how sorry we are."
"The truth is…we don't know you met him and how you were able to communicate with him…even if it spooks us out…even if we don't believe in ghosts…we just want to tell you we never meant any of the things we did to Yao. We never knew it would break him to this point. Believe it or not, we've never lived out of that incident ever since. Nightmares never leave us alone…" Afonso echoed, staring down at the floor ruefully. His partner, Cheng, sighed and rubbed his back gently.
"Nyet…you're not sorry at all." Ivan blurted out. "You guys…have practically killed a person and you think an apology would do? You'll all have to pay with your lifetime! You have no idea how it feels to be completely worthless! To be treated like a scum! To be taken advantage of and thrust aside like a piece of trash. No…you don't understand any of these…and you're not sorry…you are nowhere near sorry enough for what you've done to Jao-Jao!"
"Ivan-"
The Russian leapt out of bed and punched the British right in the face. The blond fell against the wall in agony, tears dribbling down alongside his blood.
"You gave Jao the final blow. When all he ever asked for was your love, you betrayed him. You turned your back on him. And yet, he couldn't even regret it because he had given you all he had. He traded away his reputation, his dignity, his family's respect and everyone's love for your goddamn maltreatment. You didn't only drug him but also backstabbed him. You were the ultimate reason why he jumped off the roof!"
"I know! I know I was the culprit!" Arthur yelped, gritting his teeth in pain. "I know I could never do anything to repent myself! Just so you know, I'm willing to live with this guilt for the rest of my life! And if only Yao could wake up, I would even trade away mine!"
"Stop it, please…no one can reverse time…" Francis sobbed. "There's no point in saying how deplorable our deeds have been…I just wish that boy were still here…"
"Exactly, dudes. Like…we can't really do anything now, can we?" Alfred sighed in defeat. As much as he wished to offer any assistance, he couldn't wipe out the history they had. No one could undo the wrong.
"If Jao had never made that decision, I suppose you guys would never have realized how much of a nasty devil you are, da?" Ivan shouted, "And guess what? What really gets on my nerves is to think that he's actually forgiven you all and even forgotten how horribly you've treated him! I will never, ever forgive any one of you for hurting and damaging such a wonderful person."
With that, the Russian scooted out of the infirmary and left the gang in utter silence.
Ivan returned to the rooftop and stayed there until someone found him again. For days, he crouched inside the greenhouse chatting with his flowers as if they acted as a medium to communicate with Yao. He still believed that the Chinese boy was wandering somewhere near him and that one day he would re-appear again if he had faith.
He would hum Yao's favourite melody and water the plants. He would skip classes just to tend to and safeguard their greenhouse. Days after days and nights after nights, he would frolic, dine and slumber in their lovely garden, praying for the day they could be coupled again.
No one could bother him.
No one dared approach him.
Even when Iryna arrived to take him home, he would refuse to leave their sunflowers alone. He would plead his sister nonstop, to let him stay where he could protect and look after the delicate plants. No one could stop him from his frenzy. No one could talk more sense into him than Wang Yao.
But Yao wasn't there.
He never was.
There was only him, abandoned, alone with the plants.
It didn't take Ivan long to realize how much it hurt to love and lose someone so precious to him.
And finally, he knew he had gone back to square one- being the same lonesome, unloved boy he used to be.
Whenever the painful nail hit him again, he would remember the words Yao once said to him. He would survive for the sake of his lover. He would embrace the beauty of life for him. He would hope that Yao's disappearance was just a phase. Even if he returned as a spirit, an angel or an apparition, he wouldn't mind.
Because for all he knew, love is real.
It is a miracle.