Chapter 13: Malady

I didn't know for how long I was standing at the ledge and simply staring down at the miserable, decomposing carcasses below me, but by the time the anxious calling of a familiar voice finally roused me from my deep stupor, the humongous corpses had dissolved into nothing but white smoke. A huge depression marked the spot where the explosion had happened, the cavity vaguely shaped after the back of a gigantic, humanoid body, and the steam that arose from the area brushed me mockingly across my hot cheeks. The wind brought with the smell of dirt, humid air and the sharp scent of iron, making me wrinkle my nose. My back was aching, completely sore after having withstood several rough beatings, and I closed my eyes and let out a slow exhale as I rubbed the bruised skin with a gentle hand. The burning sensation that embraced me as my eyelids slid shut reminded me of my lack of sleep and it was almost impossible for me to surface from the merciful darkness even as I was spoken to.

"Sera?"

I turned and bleakly met Armin's wide blue eyes. His clothes were covered with mud and his hair was tousled and damp, but other than that he seemed unharmed; he was worried for someone else. I raised my gaze and saw the soldiers cooperate to drag up their lifeless comrades from the ground to an undamaged part of the wall not too far away from my current position. Limp shapes lay neatly stacked in a row along the length of the wall, one of them with disheveled, auburn hair and fogged, yet stubbornly intact spectacles, and my heart ceased its heavy beating as I thought that they were the fallen.

"Are you alright?"

I evaluated his question before stiffly nodding. "Yes."

"Good, because we could really need your help," Armin pleaded and started towards the group. I mechanically followed, my gaze fixed to Hange's unmoving form. Seeing my distraught state of mind, the boy quickly went on, "Everyone is alive, albeit some only barely."

We passed the long line of injured in silence, swiftly maneuvering between paramedics and other attendants, but I decided to pause at Hange's booted feet. Her mouth slightly ajar, she was breathing in a calm and regular manner and her expression was smooth and serene, drastically contradicting the large bruise that blossomed from her hairline to her cheekbone across the left side of her face. A woman was checking her pulse and another was prying off her spectacles, absentmindedly grazing an elbow over her patient's jacket. The latter abruptly ceased her current task and her brown eyes darted to the leather before returning to her work with a quizzical look, replying something to the other medical officer. Her strange action caught my attention and I followed her line of sight; something shaped like a rectangular piece protruded ever so slightly from beneath the worn material. My best guess was that it was a notebook of some sort tucked into the inner pocket of the jacket and I continued to follow Armin, my curiosity rapidly decreasing. Still, it was a bit strange that Hange had decided to bring something to write on, especially since she didn't seem to carry any pencil.

Armin hadn't even noticed my brief halt. It wasn't until he stopped at a prone person separated from the rest that he realized I wasn't directly behind him anymore and inquiringly raised his eyebrows as I hurried the last couple of steps.

"Sorry, I…"

My voice trailed away as I looked down at Mikasa. She was panting raggedly with an arm wrapped around her stomach and shakily got on her knees and right elbow before slumping to her left side, grunting. Her otherwise so strong, stoically set features were constricted in pain and I immediately crouched by her side, firmly placing my hands on her right shoulder and hip as she attempted to rise again.

"Stay down," I commanded her. "It's me, Sera," I added as her body tensed.

Mikasa let out a small breath and abruptly, her muscles slackened and her breathing returned to natural. I questioningly looked up at Armin and he swallowed, wiping a sleeve beneath his golden fringe.

"I don't know what happened to her," he gravely said. "She was dangling from the wall when I found her. I… I think she might be having a concussion."

"So do I," I agreed and gestured for him to get on the other side of the girl. Armin quickly obeyed. "Has she eaten anything recently? Help me remove her gear."

"I don't think so," replied the boy earnestly. He then began to unscrew the sheathes from the main device and I held up her legs as he dragged away the box caught beneath her lifeless limbs. Mikasa groaned something but her eyes stayed close and she slipped back into sweet senselessness an instant. I gently rearranged her legs in the most natural and comfortable position possible before returning to her torso, carefully slithering my fingers beneath her pressed side to raise her an inch, just enough for Armin to ease out the waist-part of the intricate gear. He placed the items aside, giving room for both of us to freely circle the raven-haired girl, and knelt opposite to me, ready to receive another order. I was unused to such an indisputable display of reliance and froze for a second as I met his trusting gaze.

"Ehm," I began and awkwardly cleared my throat. "Could you peel off her jacket and cape? I need to examine her chest."

I assisted him with her left arm and waited until he had put aside the garments, folding and placing her red scarf behind me. Together, Armin and I then slowly angled her towards the concrete and allowed her to lie on her back, adjusting her right leg once. I unclasped all the buckles I could reach and placed her arms to her sides before checking the pulse in her neck.

Calm and even, I noted and glanced at her composed expression. The edges of her wild bangs danced across the bridge of her nose by the silent tune of a fresh breeze and her soft, pink lips were parted, inhaling regular, albeit hoarse, breaths. I decided to inspect her even though I thoroughly doubted that she was especially injured, and looked back up at Armin for aid.

"Could you bring me some water?" I asked the boy. "She cannot be dehydrated, not in her state."

"Of course," Armin curtly responded, smoothly taking on the roll of the subordinate. He nimbly got to his feet and headed away into the direction of the commotion behind me, calling a name I didn't recognize. My focus returned to Mikasa's still face and I abstractedly brushed away a streak of sand across her right cheek. The movement pushed aside her hair as well and revealed a thin but conspicuous scar beneath her right eye that marred her otherwise pure complexion. I lightly trailed a finger over the irregularity without any particular reason and instantly, Mikasa's exotic features contorted into a grimace, temporarily destroying her perfect visage, as she murmured a name.

"Er… Eren."

Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I almost jumped in fright. Armin sank down next to me and handed me a water bottle. "We gotta ration it, mostly for the sake of those with burns, but this oughta be enough, I think," he said.

I grabbed the dense leather sac and shook it, feeling the fluid ripple within. It was a little lesser than I had expected but would suffice nonetheless. "Thank you," I answered and dug my hand beneath Mikasa's head, scraping my bandaged knuckles against the concrete. "Mikasa? You need to drink."

"Do you need anything else?" wondered Armin after a moment of silence while we watched the girl reluctantly drink and then pass out again.

I shook my head as I fastened the cork and placed the water bottle to the side. "I don't think so," I replied and folded my legs underneath me, settling in a relaxed stance. I placed a cold hand on top of Mikasa's forehead, beneath her fringe, and drew away when I decided that her temperature was normal. My fingers scrutinized her ribs, tracing the bones and the pronounced muscles enveloping them, and I crosschecked my information before moving onto her abdomen and down. Everything seemed to be fine and I finalized my conclusion to the concerned Armin with a smile.

"She's just exhausted," I told him, sounding as reassuring as I could, and patted him on his frail shoulder. "She'll need some rest. Could you watch over her and call me when she wakes up? There are a couple of tests I'd like to run with her to check her mental state."

Armin quickly nodded. "Sure, but where are you going? And thanks," he added. "All the medical officers are busy with worse."

I rose to standing, furrowing my brows. "I, too, will help with the wounded," I said, meeting Armin's surprised gaze. "You said the medical officers were rather occupied, didn't you?"

The boy hastily gathered himself. "Yeah, but…"

I raised an eyebrow, well aware of what he thought. "I'm one of you now, whether Levi wants it or not," I said harshly, my irritation over the man flaring in an instant. "Have some faith in me, will you?" I then asked in a softer tone. "I know what I'm doing."

Armin pressed together his lips once, then smiled weakly. "Okay."

I mirrored his expression before leaving the two recruits, glancing one last time at Mikasa, and was greeted with startled looks as I loudly asked of what I could be of service with. Hesitantly and after an uncomfortably long pause, a man with dark hair directed me towards the injured one by one and I began tending to scalds, severe bruises and strained wrists and ankles. The names and faces of the soldiers faded away, my brain too preoccupied with work to take note of such trivial matters, and an unknown amount of time passed in the flicker of mere seconds. The other medical officers were initially rather apprehensive about my involvement but I gained their trust after having snapped back a young male's previously dislocated shoulder in a single try. Beyond that, I was rapidly handed more soldiers and found myself completely engulfed in my occupation. Memories of my time at the clinic flooded back and even though I fleetingly perceived that other people were spent, especially the medical officers and the dwindling amount of eager assistants, I never even once felt tired, my fingers moving on pure instinct and experience and my mouth clinically voicing the theories I held for my current patient. It wasn't until I had gotten through to half the row of wounded that the wave of unavoidable fatigue surged over me and I absolutely had to pause, breathe and step away for at least a moment. Simultaneously, I felt someone's keen focus attached to my profile and curiously looked about for my observer. I was quick to lock onto Hange's weary face and she shone up as our eyes met, urging me to come closer with a wink. Her friendly smile immediately turned upside down when I accidentally stumbled over my own two feet as I started towards her and it was replaced with a creased forehead by the time I plopped downwards on the concrete next to her, mindful of the resting man I also had to squeeze in next to. He stirred and muttered something incomprehensible, but fortunately enough refrained from awaking.

"You need some rest," she stated sternly, reluctant to scold me for my extreme, benevolent efforts with the group but wary regarding my personal health. "Take a break."

I soaked my chapped lips and rubbed a hand over my neck, meeting resistance in form of my hair. I hadn't even noticed that my ponytail had unraveled and composed a new one as I constructed a reply. Hange's warm, insightful eyes were considerably smaller without their faithful spectacles and followed my every move with increasing worry. I almost grimaced at her sympathy; I wanted none of that. I simply wanted to show my worth as a member of the Survey Corps.

"There are still many who need my help," I disagreed. The pain of the suffering lingered heavily in the air, weighing down the atmosphere with the unmistakable scent of soaked bandages and sweat. I had since long discarded my jacket and cape for someone to use as an extra cushion and wrinkled my nose at the smell of my white shirt. "Do you have anything to tell me?" I asked Hange.

"Yes." Her tone was sharp, authoritative. "Take a break," she repeated.

"But—"

She cut me off. "That's an order, Sera."

I exhaled in resignation. "Right," was all I could say, my stature slumping.

There was a pause. I automatically commenced gazing into the distance, following the vague, hazy line where Wall Maria blended together with the clear blue sky before scanning the woods, hills and hollows, my eyes fervently looking for any signs of titan activity, such as their trademark smoke. I, to my disappointment, detected nothing. It was eerily desolated of life, especially considering that the territory had been claimed as titans' since long back.

"It's beautiful from up here, isn't it?"

It took me a moment to understand her question. "Oh," I then responded, feeling oddly embarrassed. "I wasn't admiring the view."

"I suspected something like that. Titans, huh?"

I redirected my attention towards her lying shape, one brow raised. She, too, was thoughtfully looking directly up into the sky, her eyes tracking something I unsuccessfully spotted. For an awful moment, Hange reminded me of my mother with her strange, irregular behavior but the horrible notion was instantaneously washed away when I distinguished the shining glimpse of the will to live in her brown orbs. I briefly wondered how old she was—seeing as she was much wiser than her appearance conveyed—and nearly surprised myself by asking; I caught the words before they could escape from my mouth and nervously rubbed my hands together as I turned to look back at the brightly lit landscape before my eyes.

"Yes," I admitted, folding my knees towards my chest and embracing them. "It's the titans," I murmured into the fabric of my trousers.

"Many of us fail to confess the fascination we all hold for those creatures, even to just ourselves. We just kill them without remorse and fueled by years of built-up hatred." Hange sounded amused and even chuckled some, although it speedily erupted into raspy coughs. I gave her a meaningful glance but she dismissed it with a small smile. "It usually takes a couple of years until we get the idea whatsoever and while most ignore the notion until it disappears, another few learn to acknowledge the feeling without being disgusted. "

I raised my chin. "How many years passed before you were able to accept it?"

Her voice was neutral. "Too many."

I shuddered, feeling how a sudden tension crept into Hange's tone.

"It sure is astonishing how fast both you and Sebastian adopted a similar mentality," Hange went on, bluntly veering away the subject from herself. "Were you afraid at all by the aberrant from earlier?"

I swallowed. "Yes," I truthfully answered. "I have never been more scared."

"This may sound a bit odd, but might I ask for the exact reason you were so frightened?"

Furrowing my brows, I glanced at her. This time, she steadily met my gaze and held it. "What do you mean?" I wondered.

Hange tried to shrug but grimaced instead. "Ouch," she grunted, tenderly pressing a light hand to the bruised part of her face. "Just asking."

I thought of it for a while, letting the inquiry fill my mind, and suddenly comprehended that I had no rational reply. I had been terrified, that was for sure; but for what I couldn't figure out. The knowledge that I was about to be eaten alive? No, I had braced myself for death, even a painful one as being devoured. In hindsight, I discovered no real reasons for what had caused my petrified state of horror.

And that realization struck me as the most fearsome of them all.

"I don't know," I quietly said, tightening the hold of myself. I was suddenly feeling cold. "I really don't know."

Hange hesitated—allowing me to gather myself—before softly speaking, "Sera, I'm not asking this because I want to call you out or something," she began, "but there are some things I just cannot seem to connect. You're not a titan-shifter, are you?"

My stomach churned uneasily and a lump started forming in the back of my throat. "Not since the last time I checked," I replied, vainly trying to disguise my quivering voice with sarcasm. The result didn't sound pretty and a part of me cringed at my pathetic attempt.

"But you still manage to heal and survive extraordinarily," Hange continued, barely allowing me to finish my sentence. "Sebastian was able to sense titans with his gift and while you don't, perhaps…"

Her voice trailed away as she quietly mused for herself. I watched a flock of birds cross the sky and stretched out my numbing legs and aching shoulders as I grudgingly let out a yawn. Hange's exasperated sigh drew my focus and I glanced back at her bemused expression with somewhat relief—I didn't know if I was ready to tell anything yet. I needed time to truly figure it out on my own first, test my own conclusions, before I could decide something for sure.

Hange looked at me and frowned. "I cannot think right now. And I guess you won't tell me anything?"

I pursed my lips and broke off, dropping my gaze to my bandaged hands. You have some dark secrets, don't you? teased a maleficent voice. Why don't you just spill them? Now that there are things as mad as titan-shifters, you oughta be deemed normal in comparison. Isn't that what you're so terrified of?

No, I protested. Sebastian made me promise him not to tell anyone, that it would be safer for everyone that way. I tend to keep it that way… but it still feels wrong not to tell, especially since he's already shared the part about his power. I mean, how "bad" can bad really be?

Try it out.

I was just about to formulate a reply when a voice interjected, "Riders on top of the wall! It's… it's Commander Smith accompanied by the Military Police!"

Hange went rigid and my head whipped around, my eyes widened in shock. I had never heard of horses being used on top of the walls and scarcely believed whomever had called it out until I saw it for myself. Using several mechanical devices, similar as what I had been elevated with albeit in much larger scale, I saw gigantic, wooden platforms having been raised from the ground and now jut out of the wall quite a distance away from our group. Both manned and vacant saddles approached us in a long line and I couldn't stop myself from instinctively searching for Levi's chiseled face. I was unable to distinguish him in the front and knowing that he would be riding nowhere else but next to Erwin should he be present, I let out a breath; I was more than glad that he wasn't amongst them since I noted that all were heavily armed with crammed sheathes and extra gas containers. It was beyond belief and common sense for me to shed such concern for such an infuriating, deadly man as him, but I couldn't help it. A blush colored my cheeks as I spontaneously recalled his words in Hermina and I violently shook my head, determined to ignore every thought of him for now. I had much more important things at hand.

Like the crawling Hange in front of me.

"Hange!" I called. Her movements increased in speed and she deftly maneuvered herself between the legs of the soldiers that gathered around a dismounting Erwin. I scrambled after her, excusing myself and occasionally knocking my head into someone's backside or elbow as I stooped to try to catch her, and even managed to lose her in the crowd. Fighting the urge to smack myself in the face, I tried to find a lying shape, growing more and more frustrated with each step I took. The enlarged group, reinforced by the riders, swiftly grew silent as they listened intently to a female's heated voice and I sneaked through the throng of uniformed people until I reached the auburn-haired woman lying prone on the ground. I wanted to interrupt her ramblings and drag her back to her resting spot by the ear, like a disobedient child, but decided to abstain when I actually listened to what she was saying.

"...until twilight." Hange took a deep breath, earning a kind hand on her back from the commander who was kneeling next to her, observing a map that the woman was pointing into. "Until twilight, I say!" she then shouted in a hoarse voice, craning her neck towards the faces that surrounded her. "If you get to the forest before that, there's a pretty good shot at catching them. Now hurry!"

Erwin gracefully rose and looked about. "You heard her," he said calmly. "Get to your horses—we've got no time to spare if we want to save Eren and find those responsible for the catastrophe of Wall Maria's downfall."

His piercing blue eyes found mine and he nodded a soundless greeting. I responded with a salute and respectfully waited until he had mounted his horse before I hurried to Hange's sprawled form, pushing past soldiers heading into the opposite direction. Her fingers clawed after the water bottle I carried through a slim strap across my chest and I gave it to her, allowing her to drink all of its contents.

"So," I half-heartedly started, already having surmised her answer as I witnessed most of the soldiers around me adjoin Erwin's troop. Mikasa had awoken and went along with Jean and Armin, her clenched fists swinging in symbiosis with her legs. Her gait was hard and determined, revealing no weakness at all, but I noticed that her back was slightly bent and that her jaw tightened as she straddled a dark brown horse. "Am I going with them?"

"Definitely not," breathed Hange and handed me the empty bottle, her breathing labored. I hung it back over my torso and gave her a confused look. She sighed and said, "No. You're supposed to be my responsibility and it'll remain that way. Since I'm staying, you'll stay as well."

I childishly crossed my arms over my chest. "Levi, huh?"

Hange smiled crookedly, but instantly groaned in pain as her bruise made itself reminded. "Ugh," she muttered, her brown eyes glimmering with suppressed tears. "Well, see it this way: we need you to be present here. Didn't you just say you had tend the rest of the wounded as well?"

"I thought I was having a break," I mercilessly parried, her feeble attempt at sounding convincing instead evoking a deep frustration within me.

"Taking a trip through titan-infested land is hardly what I would call a break."

"That didn't seem to be a problem for you earlier," I prompted, glancing back at the riders clad in Military and Survey Corps emblems that took off towards the wooden protrusions. A team had worked to move them to the other side and was now waiting for the rest of the group, their fluttering capes waving a unison of goodbyes.

"There's a difference this time," replied Hange after watching them descend. Her cheerful tone was uncharacteristically constrained and piqued my interest. "I'm no longer in charge, Erwin is. And although he's one of the best men I've ever had the fortune to meet—he won't hesitate taking risks. And that includes the lives of his soldiers."

"Such bravery is admirable," I said, not truly understanding her point. "It's something every leader must possess, isn't it?"

Hange nodded solemnly. "Yes," she agreed. "But that's also why I promised Shorty you'd stick with me."

The ambiguity of her cleaved conscience was clearly evident in her voice. Still, I opened my mouth to obejct—Levi had absolutely no right at all to get himself involved with my life—when Hange raised a dismissive hand. "I don't want to hear it," she concluded and started crawling back towards the temporary and surely uncomfortable bed made of her flattened jacket and dark green cape. Only a tiny squad remained with the injured: two medical officers I knew as Mira and Jacob, constantly dipping down towards their fellow comrades with a water bottle or a bandage roll, sweaty, flushed and wasted; one elderly remuneration officer I vaguely remembered was named Jack, who with a broken arm and sprained ankle was in no condition to assist with anything at all but simply sat on the edge of the wall with a cheap smoke between his fat, red lips while staring dully over the green fields; and three very helpful, regular soldiers, seemingly adept at what they were doing. None of the wounded were conscious except for Hange and well, Mikasa, but they needed the rest. Sleep deprivation and physical exhaustion never made for a good combo.

I sauntered after the auburn-haired woman's wriggling, refusing to help her with the rather precarious predicament she had situated her hurt body in, and finalized my arrogant posture by her side as we returned to our earlier position. "Ah, come on Sera," Hange whined, flicking a taunting eyelash my way as she settled onto her back. "Don't be so grumpy. It doesn't suit you."

I let my hands drop to my lap and heaved a sigh. "Fine," I answered. "It's just that everything he does is to literally drive me insane."

"Bah," she let out and chuckled, causing an agonizing ripple to shatter her entertained expression. Stiffening, she took a deep breath. "He only wants to protect you. It's pretty cute of him, don't you agree?"

I rolled my eyes, my spine straightening. "Nothing about him is or will ever be described of me as 'cute'," I remarked, my mood worsening with each passing second. I didn't want to talk about Levi.

Hange seemed oblivious to my feelings, though, as she incredulously replied, "Oh, really? I thought you two were in some sort of thing."

The way she sad "thing" sickened me; my heart longed for nothing more than such a certainty of a relationship but my mind screamed a big, underlined "no". And since I was one to—in most cases, at least—follow my logic rather than my intuition, I denied my greedy, cowardly heart its savage, infernal desires. It was utterly wrong and naive of me to still think, to still hope for something to rekindle between Levi and I—but I was a fool nonetheless. The hunger, the ache, craving and yearning, was there, adamantly, starkly; as clear as the shimmering light of a titan-shifter entering his or her titan form. I could hope to avoid it or hide away from the blinding truth, but I could never truly escape the undeniable.

What did I think? I pondered, almost amused with myself. What did I think when I hoped that things wouldn't get complicated with the Survey Corps? Sebastian left me with an intangible mess, forcing me to choose between a rock and a hard place, and Levi's constant prying doesn't do much to help. The easiest would be to just leave and never look back; neatly and swallow my pride and return to Karanese and let this be a lesson for life: don't bite off more than you can chew. On a crisper note I added, Seems like I'm learning all kinds of ancient sayings and cliches all over again.

"Sera?"

I shifted nervously as I roused from my reverie. "What happened to all the Titans?" I lightheartedly inquired, eager to switch topic. "There are none on either side of the wall."

"You didn't hear?" she replied, her brown eyebrows shooting high into her forehead. "The scouting troops searched all over the place but they found no breaches in the wall."

"What?!" I exclaimed, blinking. "But, you and I—we all saw the Titans!"

I accusatorily pointed north towards the enormous rubble, the proof of my statement. Hange swallowed and raked a hand through her auburn bangs. "I cannot explain that," she firmly answered. "None of us understands anything right now. The titan in the wall, the strange reappearances of the Colossal and the Armored Titan… you."

I had nothing to say to that but bit down on my lip. Hange seemed to remember how frustrated she was at me and closed her eyes with a small sigh. I took it as though our conversation was over and left her, asking Mira if she wanted some assistance.

"Nah, Jacob and I'll handle," she answered and looked up with a friendly smile, tenderly caressing a male soldier's weather-beaten cheek. "You look like you need some sleep though. Do you want anything to eat?"

I yawned, my body happy to oblige to her former suggestion. I could feel my lids grow heavy in an instant and was suddenly glad I hadn't followed Erwin's group: I would have fallen off the horse. "I'm not hungry, but thank you," I said. "I'll just take a nap."

Mira nodded vigorously, her short, blonde pigtails bouncing gleefully. I strolled until I found an adequate spot to relax on—not that I had much to choose from considering that I was on top of a fifty-five yards high and barely twenty yards wide wall—and merely rested against the bare concrete without any form of mattress except the material of my clothes. My worn shoulders, elbows, backside and calves chafed against the coarse material as I established a relaxing stance and slumber came over me much faster than I had expected. I dreamt of nothing but easy, tranquil darkness, something that had occurred ever since I entered the Survey Corps, my old nightmares as vanished. I was more than content with fleeting around in the infinite nullity, endowed with the complete freedom of imagination and the oblivion my unconscious mind presented me, and delighted in the weightlessness; finally, I didn't have to think about anything, not my brother, Levi or myself. Or rather, I couldn't.

But then, panicked, raw screams awoke me and I found myself stumbling headfirst into nightmarish chaos.