Hey guys, thanks for all the feedback. A lot of you sent me reviews or messages saying that the whole trial thing was wrong because he pleaded guilty so there would be no jury. Like I said before I have no idea how any of that works hahaha so oh well! I changed it in this one so there is no jury, just the judge's decision. The sentencing is probably wrong too but whatever its just a story of fiction I don't know how that stuff works and I wasn't gonna research it for a piece of fanfiction hahaha! Anyway, here is the next chapter! I will try and update soon! Thanks :)
With Rory home, Lorelai and Luke decided to sleep at her house the night after the trial. They all went out to dinner with the Gilmore's and then went back to the house together. They were all so exhausted, Rory took Paul Anka to bed and Luke and Lorelai retreated upstairs. They didn't talk much, mostly because Lorelai didn't have the strength she was spent from the day. So instead of pushing her, Luke held her until she finally fell asleep.
The next morning, her eyes began to flutter open as the sun streamed in through the windows. As quietly as she could, she tiptoed out of the room and down the stairs. Paul Anka padded out of Rory's room and Lorelai made sure to shut her door silently before slipping out the front door and curling up on the to step of the porch with him. She scratched behind his ears and stared out at the early morning sunrise, something she had never really done.
As the sun came over the trees she thought back to the trial yesterday and how Christopher's lawyer had made her feel. But she thought more about the look on Christopher's face when the verdict was read.
As everyone took their seats again, Lorelai tried to keep her heart from pounding in her chest. Miss Patty and Luke had both tried to reassure her that she wasn't a bad person but it was hard to do when every mistake you've made has been thrown at you in a very public setting. She licked her lips and forced herself not to look towards Christopher at the opposite table even though she could feel him staring at her.
As the Judge walked in, they all stood up briefly and then sat again and waited for him to speak. He took only a few moments to gather his papers but to Lorelai it felt like an eternity. She wanted to leave here and never look back again, and the waiting was torture.
Finally he cleared his throat and began to talk, "After going through all the evidence in this case I have come to what I think is an appropriate sentence. Please rise Mr. Hayden."
Lorelai's eyes flickered over towards Christopher and saw him staring wide eyed at the man that was about to decided his fate. She studied his body language and noticed he looked smaller to her, like he had lost weight since going to jail. He almost reminded her of the teenage boy she had once been so smitten with, but she reminded herself that was a long time ago. They were two very different people now and there was no going back to that point…
"Mr. Hayden…while I can sympathize with your emotional turmoil over realizing the woman you loved was in love with someone else…" He paused and glanced at him over his papers, "Abuse in any form is illegal and should be punished. The fact that you hid the fact that you weren't legally married shows your own instability and the instability of your relationship with the victim. Given this information, it is clear you had ample opportunity to try and change the fate of your relationship and how and if it would end. You had no right to put any physical harm on anyone no matter how distressed you were. However, this is your first offense and first arrest therefore I am charging you with 18 months and 2-year probation following your release. You are to attend anger management classes at least once a week both while you are imprisoned and after you are released. Upon your release, you are not to go within 150 yards of the victim or her daughter at any time for the next three years. At the end of those three years, the victim can try and reinstate this order. Should you break these rules you will be sent back to jail. I see here another hearing will be put in place in regards to the custody of your other daughter when you are released. Your 18-month sentence begins today and will be closely monitored and can be shortened or lengthened depending on behavior. You will also have to pay 5,000 in damages to the victim for pain and suffering. With that I close this case and court is adjourned."
With the bang of his gavel, Lorelai glanced over at Christopher who was staring down at the table. As the cop walked up behind him to place the handcuffs around his wrists he happened to glance over at her. His eyes looked red and very distant, she didn't recognize him anymore. He seemed to nod his head once in her general direction before he was escorted out of the room and she watched until the door shut behind him.
Everything seemed to be going in slow motion until she felt her father's strong hand on her shoulder. "Lorelai?"
She turned towards him quickly, "Dad…"
He smiled at her, "Lorelai considering the circumstances I think that was the best outcome we could have asked for. Are you alright?"
Lorelai thought about his words for a moment before turning to look at the door that Christopher had disappeared behind. "I don't know…"
He squeezed her shoulder, "Come on…lets get you home."
She let him lead her towards Luke, Rory and the rest of her friends and family. She felt Luke's arms around her as well as her daughters but she didn't seem to register any of it. She watched her father shake hands with her lawyer and offer words of thanks as they walked out of the courthouse.
She felt Luke lead her towards the car and Rory slide in beside her but she still felt like she was in a daze. When her mother insisted they go to dinner, she went into pilot mode and was going through the motions without feeling any of it. She was aware of Luke whispering words of comfort to her that night in bed but her mind was on fast forward and she wasn't able to process any of it…
Now sitting here on the porch she pulled her legs up against her chest and rested her chin against her knees. It felt like every mistake in her life was hitting her like a ton of bricks all at once and it was overwhelming. She had hoped after the trial she would feel a sense of relief but at the moment she felt confused and sad. She didn't want Luke to see this because she was afraid it was because she still had feelings for Christopher. And the truth of the matter was she would always care about him…he was the father of her child but now things were just different.
But more than anything she was upset with herself and questioning many of the decisions she had made. She wasn't sure how long she was sitting out there by herself, but by the time the sun was all the way in the sky the front door opened and Luke stepped out beside her.
She didn't have to look towards him to know it was him, but he sat down beside her on the steps. "I got worried when I didn't see you beside me…"
She wiped at a stray tear, "I just needed some air…"
He kept his eyes on her as he reached up to push a few stray strands of hair behind her ear, "I don't want to push you but I really do wish you would talk to me…I want to help you."
She sighed and closed her eyes, "I'm afraid to talk to you…"
Her words ripped through him and he grimaced, "Lorelai we agreed that this time around we would be open with each other about things. It's the only way we are going to make this work…whatever you are feeling you can tell me. I promise I will listen and not get upset."
"I'm afraid you'll take it the wrong way…" She whispered staring out at the grass, still afraid to meet his eyes.
"Just try and explain it to me…" He whispered rubbing her back gently hoping to soothe her.
Sighing, she sniffled and ran a hand over Paul Anka's head. "I don't know…I was just looking at Christopher in that court room yesterday and I kept thinking about the kid he was growing up. I just…I didn't recognize him in there and it scared me. But more than that I wanted to know how we got to that point…" She paused for a moment trying to find the right words to use, "I just…I never in a million years thought we could be here. I mean he is going to prison…I always liked him because he was a bit of a rebel but I never actually thought he would go to prison…"
"Well he broke the law…there are consequences for that." He whispered.
Lorelai nodded slowly, "And I know that. I guess I just don't understand how it got to this point. Sitting there listening to his lawyer talk about my past I just…I felt so much regret wash over me. I mean…I feel like I've tried to give Rory the best life possible but I kind of feel like I did expose her to a lot of things that she shouldn't have seen. Maybe I didn't do such a good job and maybe that's why she had those issues last year and maybe I-"
"Lorelai stop." Luke said shaking his head as he scooted closer to her, "You are an amazing mother. That guy was trying to make you look bad to gain sympathy for Christopher but all the crap he brought up doesn't matter. None of that caused Rory to steal a yacht and drop out of Yale. Those were her own choices. We all make mistakes…there is no one in this world that is perfect. You have to know that…I mean Jesus think of all the sacrifices you made for Rory. No one could doubt that you are a good mother!"
She looked over at him, "Okay but…I still feel like I have left this path of wreckage in my life. Like failed relationships…I let Max think I loved him and wanted to marry him and then I just walked away. And clearly I was an idiot with the whole Jason thing because he wasn't getting that I wanted out not to mention the fact the whole damn thing started as a way to piss off my parents. I mean if that doesn't say I'm screwed up I don't know what does! I won't even get into the crap I've done to my parents and then there's you…" She said glancing over at him.
"Lorelai we agreed to-" He started to say.
She rolled her eyes, "I know, I know. We agreed to put the past behind us and move forward but that's hard to do when the past is literally thrown in your face all at once." She sighed, "I just…I feel like I have been hurting you for years."
"What are you talking about?" He asked her cocking his head to the side.
"Luke…I'm not as naive as I would appear to be. I think I knew you had feelings for me…but I didn't want to admit that. I just…I liked the attention but more than that I liked that I could always count on you. I liked knowing I could call you and you would be there to save Rory and me no matter what. That's selfish Luke…for eight years I pulled you along and then I'd get mad when you were with someone else. I mean when you were with Nicole I wanted to strangle you! I was so mad but I had no right to be…I never made any indication that I liked you." She said as the tears began to fall again. "I'm a horrible person. I think I used you because I was to afraid to change our relationship because I figured when you saw what I was really like you'd go running for the hills."
"Well it's not like I tried to let you know how I felt either Lorelai. I had plenty of opportunities to tell you my intentions but I didn't." He said shrugging. "That's my own fault."
"But doesn't that say something about me too? You were afraid to tell me the truth because you were afraid I would reject you." She said looking at him feeling frustrated, "I'm a terrible person to make you think that…to let you take care of me the way you did and give you nothing in return. It's selfish!"
Luke sighed and tried to scoot closer to her but she flinched and his heart ached, "I'd do it all again…you have to know that. I never expected anything from you…ever. I did those things because I cared about you but you were a good friend too."
"Oh really? Like when?" She said as her voice began to rise, as she got angrier with herself. "Name one time I was a good friend to you!"
He squinted at her and knew this was turning into a fight he wouldn't win anytime soon. "Like the time you took over the Diner when my Uncle died so I could deal with the preparations. And then you got the town to show up at the ceremony and at the Diner later. You didn't have to do that but you did because you are a good person and an amazing friend."
She sighed, "Okay one time I was a good friend, great. Compared to all the things you did for me I still sound like a bitch."
"Well what about when you bailed me out of jail with the Nicole fiasco? Or when you went out and bought me new suits or all the times you listen to me complain about Rachel or Jess or-" He tried to reason with her.
"Oh God don't even bring up Jess. Me telling you to go to hell and accusing you of not caring about Rory does not make me a good friend it makes me the biggest bitch of all time." She said resting her head in her hands.
"Come on Lorelai…" He tried to reach for her again but she jumped at the contact and stood up, walking down the front steps. "Where are you-"
"I mean lets face it I have the worst track record ever Luke. I'm not a good person. Why, why would you want someone like me? Why are you here right now? Why did you ever forgive me the first time we broke up? Why did you forgive me for sleeping with Christopher? Was it because you felt bad that he abused me? Did you feel obliged to do it? You could have anyone in the world Luke! And yet you chose me and I just…I don't get it. I don't get why any one would want to be nice to me let alone you…" She said as she paced in the front lawn.
Paul Anka had lifted his head and let his head follow her as she walked quickly back and forth. Luke felt angry now that she was so unsure of herself; so unsure of them, he squared his shoulders and stood up quickly.
"You have to stop this." Luke said with his jaw locked, "This is what you do…you self destruct when you get scared because you think you will protect yourself but your only hurting yourself. Stop trying to push me away!"
Lorelai stopped pacing and whirled around to look at him, "See even you admit that I'm a total mess! God Luke, why the hell are you still standing here? Go! You need to go! I can't do this again, I won't do this to you again!"
"Lorelai stop it." He said taking a step closer to her, he reached for her and when she flinched again he held her upper arms tighter. "Stop it. Stop this right now."
Lorelai glanced down at his hands against her tightly and she had flashbacks, "Let go of me! Don't! Don't touch me!"
The front door opened as Paul Anka began to bark and Rory quickly walked onto the porch, "What's going on?"
"Lorelai please…" He whispered lessening his grip on her, "Don't do this…please don't do this. I'm begging you…"
"I want you to go!" She screamed as the tears fell down her cheeks, "I don't want you here. GO! Leave! Just leave!"
Rory quickly trotted down the steps and glanced around to see if any of the neighbors had come out to see what was going on. "Mom calm down. What's wrong?"
"Your Mom is upset about the things that were said about her in court yesterday and she's using it to push me away." Luke said, never taking his eyes off of Lorelai knowing she was slipping away again before his eyes.
Rory looked at Luke and then glanced at her Mom and saw the fear and confusion in her face. "Mom all that stuff that Dad's lawyer said doesn't matter. You have to know that."
Lorelai shook her head adamantly and ignored her daughter, "Luke I want you to leave. I don't want you here."Out of his own fear he gripped her arms tightly again, "Stop. Stop saying that! Please, you don't mean it! Stop it!"
The panic rose up in her face again, "Let me go!"
Rory could see the pain in both of their faces but she knew at the moment there was nothing that could be said that would change her Mothers mind. Rather than let things escalate she knew she had to break this up for the time being.
Putting a hand over one of Luke's she pulled at them, "Luke let go…"
He whipped his head to look at Rory, shock written all over his face. "Rory I-"
She nodded, "I know. I know, okay? But…right now its not going to matter. Just…let go."
His eyes looked back at Lorelai and then down at his hands gripping her arms and he saw the fear in Lorelai's face. Quickly, he let his hands fall to his sides and painfully watched Lorelai walk around him and run into the house, slamming the door behind her.
"Rory-" He started as he whipped around to look at the door.
Reaching for his hand, Rory gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Luke you know her as well as I do. When she gets like this there is no getting through to her."
He pointed towards the door, "But I swore I would never let her walk away again…I can't just leave."
She smiled sadly at him, "I will let her calm down and then talk to her. She's just overwhelmed right now…as difficult as yesterday was for all of us you have to think of what it was like for her. It's not that she is in love with my Dad but she did care about him at one point. Imagine if you watched Rachel going to jail for something like that…wouldn't you feel guilty? Wouldn't you feel sad? What if it was April's Mom? She's feeling guilty, like she took my Dad away from me and she's unsure of herself. She loves you Luke…we both know she does but she's afraid. She doesn't trust herself because that asshole lawyer brought up ever mistake she has made and now she's a mess…she just needs some time."
"But we have already wasted so much time…" Luke whispered, "I can't wait anymore. The weddings in three weeks! The house is almost done. We can't go back now…I can't lose her."
"And you won't." Rory said shaking her head, "You won't, I can promise you that. She just…she needs some space. Maybe just today or maybe a few days but she will come back to you. I will make sure of that. I'm not about to move to New York City if the two of you are apart again so I will make sure she does come to you. Do you think you can trust me enough to help her through this? I will have her come to you when she's ready…"
Luke sighed and looked back up the steps towards the house, "I hate it when she's hurting…"
"I know you do…" Rory whispered, "I know. And that's why I know this will work itself out…"
Luke was silent for a minute as he let her words sink in, and then he glanced down at his own hands. "Rory…?"
She could see the fear in his own face and she put a reassuring hand on his arm. "I know you would never hurt her like that…you are not that kind of man."
"I didn't mean…" He whispered, "I just felt her slipping away and I-"
"I know…" She whispered giving his arm a squeeze. "It's okay…and deep down she knows that too. But her mind is to clouded at the moment to see reason…that's why she needs some space. I promise I will call you if anything changes or we need you…"
He looked back at the house, "I don't want to leave…"
"I know. But I think it's for the best right now…" She whispered, "I promise she'll come see you as soon as she is ready. Even if I have to drag her kicking and screaming she'll be there."
Luke sighed knowing there wasn't anything else he could do at the moment, he nodded once. "I think I'll go fishing…I can't bear to be at the Diner right now. But I'll have my cell phone with me…call me. Please…call me."
She smiled and stood on her tiptoes to hug him, "I will. Don't worry…"
Luke hugged her back and then pulled away quickly as he walked to his truck to leave. He knew that if he didn't leave now he would never find the courage to walk away again. As much as it killed him to leave he knew that Rory was right, there would be no getting through to Lorelai right now. Any further prying would only make things worse. He would give her the space she needed as long as she found her way back to him again…
Rory watched him pull out of the driveway before she turned and gave Paul Anka a reassuring pat. Then together, they walked up the porch steps and back into the house. It was eerily quiet inside, taking a moment to gather her own thoughts she walked up the stairs and peeked into the bedroom but wasn't surprised to see that Lorelai wasn't in bed. She looked over at the bathroom door and saw that it was shut; she walked over to it and leaned her ear against it to listen.
When she heard sobs coming from the other sighed she closed her eyes and sighed, "Mom…Luke went back to his apartment. Can you let me in?" Rory waited a few moments but when there was no response she sighed and continued. "I'm going to go downstairs and make some coffee…I'll be down there when you are ready to come out. I understand that you are upset but I do hope you will talk to me…take your time though. I'm not going anywhere…"
Nothing but silence followed her as she walked out of the room with Paul Anka behind her. She padded down the stairs of her childhood home and tried to think about how her mother must be feeling. As she pulled out the coffee pot she wished she could think of something to say that would reassure her mother that she wasn't a horrible person. But she knew once someone gets that trapped in their own thoughts its hard to break through the fear…the only thing you could do was wait…
Luke pulled up in the alley behind the Diner, Ceaser and Lane were working today but he didn't feel like seeing anyone. He figured people would have a lot of questions about the trial and he didn't have the strength to talk about it. His own mind was reeling and it was taking all of his will power to not run back to Lorelai's and break down the door to force her to talk to him. He knew it wouldn't do any good but the idea of letting her go again was too painful to even think about…
He walked up to the apartment and gave himself a few minutes to gather his thoughts. Then he found his fishing supplies and quickly shuffled out of the apartment and out the back door. He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts he didn't notice his sister calling out to him as he jumped in the truck and took off. He drove in silence to his favorite fishing spot that he often visited with his father as a child. He got out, walked up to the dock and plopped down and began to prepare to cast a line.
As he stared out at the water he thought back to what had happened yesterday, the lawyer had done a pretty good job of making him look bad too. He had felt so ashamed when they brought up his fights with Christopher. He had been embarrassed and unable to look anyone in the eye; he didn't feel any better than Christopher in that moment even though he knew it was a different situation. But knowing how bad he felt, he could only imagine what Lorelai was feeling.
He couldn't blame her for pushing him away no matter how much it hurt. He wasn't exactly the type to pour their heart and soul out to someone and he knew it was much easier to keep it bottled up and push people away then to deal with it. He would be a hypocrite if he pushed her to talk to him when he himself had hid so much from her in the past. It didn't make it any easier of course…
For years, the mere idea of Lorelai being in pain had cut him to the core. But ever since they had gotten together, whenever he saw her in pain it felt like it actually might be the death of him. Especially now after everything they had been through, he couldn't b ear to see her like that. He wished there was something he could say to make her realize how amazing she was, to make her see that for all those years that they were friends he didn't care if he got nothing in return. He knew that if they had never gotten together he would still be beside her pouring her coffee and fixing her porch rails, making her burgers and listening to her problems because taking care of her made him happy…
But how could he make her understand all of that? How could you get through to someone who had just had all their mistakes displayed for the world to see? He remembered how ashamed he had felt when he found out about April and how he wanted to hide from the world. This was just like that only on a much bigger and more public scale…
But the wedding was just three weeks away…he would never be able to handle it if she called it off this time around. He knew he would never survive losing her again…
His thoughts were interrupted when he heard footsteps on the dock. Hopeful that it was Lorelai coming to see him even though he knew it was much to soon he glanced behind him and sighed when he saw his sister.
"Hey Big Brother…" Liz whispered as she sat beside him on the dock, letting her feet dangle over the edge. "I saw you back at the Diner…I was coming to check on you but you either ignored me or didn't hear me call your name. You looked pretty intense…or at least more intense than usual…"
He didn't look at her, only stared back out at the water. "Sorry…"
Liz watched him for a moment, trying to get a read on his expression, "I didn't hear from you yesterday after the trial…did it not go well? I didn't want to pry but I've been worried…"
He shrugged, "He got 18 months…then probation and anger management. The restraining order is good for a few years…"
Liz raised an eyebrow, "But…"
Sighing again, he pulled at the fishing rod and rested it on the dock and then glanced down at his hands. "But Christopher's lawyer did a pretty damn good job at crucifying Lorelai's character up there on the stand. And now she is convinced she is a monster and that we shouldn't be together…"
"Oh Luke…" Liz said reaching out to squeeze his shoulder. "She's just upset. She doesn't mean that…you know that. She loves you, she's just scared."
He pursed his lips and nodded once, "The thing is I can't afford to lose her again Liz. I can't…I won't survive it this time. You saw how I was before…but this would be ten times worse because I don't think there would be another chance after this. This is it for us…it's either all or nothing."
"You hate ultimatums…" Liz said nudging him.
He glanced over at her, "I know. But it's the truth…we can't keep doing this. We either have to be together or break ties forever and I can't even imagine that…"
Liz looked out at the water, "Sometimes I can relate to Lorelai about things…especially when it comes to past relationship disasters and the whole single parenting thing. It's not easy Luke…I made many, many mistakes. I'm not half the mother she has been to Rory…but I know how terrifying it is to be faced with those mistakes. You feel like complete shit…you feel like the biggest failure in the world. And sometimes its so overwhelming you just pull away from everything and everyone out of fear…I mean when I sent Jess to you I was so ashamed." She said looking back over at him. "I felt like I failed my kid…I failed myself. I failed you…I wanted to die Luke…"
"I can understand that…I was ashamed when I found out about April. I know it wasn't really my fault but I felt horrible that I wasn't there for her for all those years." He whispered.
"And you pushed Lorelai away…" Liz whispered, "Just like she is pushing you away right now…"
He nodded once. "Yeah…I guess I did."
"Look Big Brother…" She said as she turned towards him and took his hand, "I've had my fair share of failed relationships. I've seen ex's get arrested and all that but the hardest times were always when it was involved with Jimmy…he was my kids father and I felt like I should have prevented Jimmy's mistakes to protect my kid."
"But that doesn't make sense…Jimmy made his choices alone. You had no control over them." He said shaking his head.
Liz nodded, "Right. Just like Anna made the choice not to tell you about April…but yet you felt ashamed with yourself and not Anna. You felt like you should have just known right?"
Luke thought about her words for a moment and then nodded, "I guess…"
"A lot of this guilt and shame that Lorelai is feeling has more to do with Rory than anything else. I bet she feels like she has taken Rory's father away from her. No matter how complicated Rory's relationship with her father may have been I'm sure she always wanted them to have a good relationship. Especially since Lorelai didn't have a good relationship with her own parents growing up…she feels like it's important for Rory to feel connected to both of her parents. She feels like because she was still in love with you and she got with Chris she drove him to do this and therefore took him away from Rory…that's a lot to handle. So now she's naturally thinking about all the choices she has made in her life and how they have effected not only her but Rory as well and that's a lot." Liz said shrugging. "I can't imagine what she must be feeling right now…she's had so much going on this last year and not a whole lot of time to process it all. She never got to process the break up with you before because she jumped right into a relationship with Christopher…and then the assault happened and then you were there again…it's been a rollercoaster. She needs to process something's before she can move on…"
Luke stared at her for a moment, "When did you get so wise?"
"I've always been wise…" Liz said with a smirk and a shrug. "I'm just a bit of a flake so people don't pay close enough attention…"
"You aren't a flake…" Luke whispered to her. "Eccentric maybe but not a flake. And your eccentricity is what makes you special."
"Okay, see; I came here to make you feel better and yet you are now comforting me." She rolled her eyes, "So typical of you…"
"Yeah well…" He shrugged, "I like fixing people…it's a hell of a lot easier than fixing my own damn problems."
"I know…" Liz whispered as she reached over to squeeze his hands, "You're like Dad in that way…he always worked so hard to take care of everyone else but he never took the time to take care of himself. That always worried me…even up until he died he was more concerned with us then himself."
Luke looked out at the lake and thought about all those days he had spent with his father here. "I miss him…Mom too…"
Liz sniffled and squeezed his hand again, "I know. Me too…but for me I think its easier because I see you and you are so much like both of them that I still feel like they are here. I wish I could give you that…"
Luke looked over at her, "You do. You remind me a lot of Mom…the way she enjoyed life so fully. That's something I wish I had more…Lorelai has it too and I think that's what drew me too her. You're artistic like Mom and your able to talk about how you feel which I envy sometimes. So you are like Mom…in more ways than you realize."
Liz smiled at him, "There you go again trying to comfort me in your time of need…so much like Dad…"
Luke chuckled, "I do wish they were here right now…maybe they could tell me what to do to make Lorelai feel better."
"Unfortunately I think they would say the same thing as I said…you just have to wait this out. Let her sort it out and when she is ready she will come to you." Liz said with a shrug.
"That's the problem though…I don't want to wait." Luke said with a grunt, "I'm just afraid it will take too long and the day of the wedding will be here and it won't happen again…"
Liz shook her head, "I wouldn't worry about that Luke. Lorelai missed you just as much as you missed her. She's not about to walk away forever…not when she finally has you back in her life. She just needs a little time to think…before you know it she will be calling you…you'll see."
Luke sighed, "I hope so…"
Liz smiled and reached behind him to pick up his fishing rod, "Poor Dad tried so hard to teach me to do this…he didn't have the patience for me though."
"That's because you had the shortest attention span ever. You would get distracted by something in the sky and drop the pole." He said with a chuckle as he watched her.
"Well its like you said…I enjoy life! Everything is amazing to me." She said staring at the pole "Lets see if you can show me what to do…"
Luke sighed and stood up, Liz quickly followed suit. "Okay…put your arms like this…" He said showing her the motions, "Then pull the pole back and release…"
Liz did as she was told and yelped happily, "Hey! Look at that! I did it!" She looked up at the sky, "You see that one Dad!?"
Luke smiled, "He did…"
Liz smiled at him, "I know…"
Luke nodded and then looked out at the lake, "Thanks…for coming to talk to me."
Liz looked back at the lake and nodded her head in understanding, "What are little sisters for?"
Luke smirked and shoved his hands in his pockets and enjoyed the quietness of the lake and the feeling of his sister beside him. It felt good to know he wasn't alone…to know that she wasn't going to leave him. He just hoped that Liz was right and that Lorelai would reach out to him soon…he hated the idea of her suffering alone and more than that he hated the idea of losing her again…
Back at the house, Rory waited another hour before walking back upstairs to try and talk to her Mom again. This time she came with a steaming cup of coffee in hopes of bribing her Mom to come out. She knocked and called her name but still heard no response, after a few minutes she walked over to her mother's dresser and looked for a bobby pin.
After successfully finding one, she expertly picked the lock and pushed open the door and sighed when she saw her Mother fast asleep with her head against the bathtub. Even with her eyes closed, it was clear she had been crying due to the puffiness above and below her eyes. There were still tear marks wet on her cheeks as well.
Picking up the coffee mug, Rory walked into the bathroom and sat down beside her as she held the mug under Lorelai's nose. "Wakey wakey…"
Lorelai's eyes fluttered open and fell on the mug in front of her, "Rory?" She asked in a hoarse voice.
"Yep…just you and me here." She said handing her the mug as she wrapped an arm around her Mom. "You okay? You can't be very comfortable right now…"
Lorelai grimaced and stared down at the cup in her hands, "Did he leave?"
Rory didn't need to hear the name to know whom she was referring too, "Yes. You were pretty adamant about him leaving…and even though it killed him he left. I told him you would either call or go see him when you were ready."
Lorelai sighed, "Rory I can't face him…I need to end it. We can't be together. He deserves so much better than me!"
Rory shook her head; "In my opinion and his there is no one better…"
Lorelai rolled her eyes, "Oh really? Were you there yesterday? Did you hear all the terrible things I have done? I mean he didn't even have the complete list so that was just brief summary but it sure was a doosey…"
"Mom…you can't really think you are a bad person…or a bad mother." Rory said staring at her with sad wide eyes, "I mean…you gave me everything I could ever want in my life. And worked your ass off to get it all…I know you had to make a lot of sacrifices to help me get to where I am and you will never know how grateful I am for that…"
"You deserved more…" Lorelai whispered as new batch of tears began to well up in her eyes, "God you deserved so much more Rory…"
"Mom…" She whispered pulling her closer "Is this about how Dad wasn't around?"
Lorelai shrugged, "Maybe if I had agreed to marry him when I got pregnant things would have been easier for you…"
Rory stared at her in shock, "Or maybe we both would have been miserable. Especially you. Come on Mom…you can't believe that that would have made things better. You guys weren't really in love...being married at such a young age never would have worked out. If anything it would have exposed me to a lot of fighting which would have really screwed me up. You made the right choice when you said no to marrying him…"
Turning her head to look at her, Lorelai swallowed hard, "But maybe your Dad felt like he couldn't see you because I said no. Maybe he felt like he had to stay away because of me…maybe you could have had a better relationship with him."
Rory shook her head, "Dad knew where we were Mom. He could have called more…visited more…not made so many promises he couldn't keep. Those were his choices not yours."
"But…" Lorelai sniffled and shifted in her spot as she set the mug down, "Now your Dad is going to jail…I know you are older but God I can't imagine what that feels like for you and I feel responsible for it."
"How many times do we all have to tell you that this isn't your fault? Dad knew what he was getting into when he started a relationship with you again. He knew how you felt about Luke…he was trying to force you to feel something you didn't Mom. And when it didn't go his way he did something that is unforgivable." Rory said with a shake of her head, "I don't blame you for this…no one does. And no it wasn't easy to watch them take Dad away but it was even harder to see you that night with bruises on your face…nothing will hurt as much as that did."
"Rory…" Lorelai said in a chocked voice, "God I love you so much kid…"
Rory smiled weakly at her, "And I love you too Mom…more than I could ever express to you. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you as a Mom…and there have been times when I have forgotten that and I hate myself for that. But…I love you too much to let you self-destruct this way. I love you too much to push Luke away again…He loves you Mom. And I know you love him…don't ruin a good thing because of your fear…"
"I love him…I do. So much." She said wiping her tears away, "I just don't see what he sees in me…it doesn't make any sense!"
"He thinks you are funny, and intelligent, a hard worker and whether you believe so or not you're a good person. An even better friend and an amazing mother. And I know for a fact that he thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world…" She tried to smile, "I'm sure there are a lot of other things he sees in you but that's something you'd have to discuss with him. I'm just listing off the things that pretty much everyone sees."
Lorelai sniffled, "Sometimes I look at him and I think God…how did I get him? How was I that lucky that he chose me? It's just hard sometimes…"
"I know…" Rory said rubbing her shoulders, "I think everyone thinks that sometimes when they find the person they love. And it must be even harder when you have someone pointing out every little flaw you have…no one expected you to be able to handle all this on your own Mom…"
"Yeah well…I don't like asking for help." Lorelai said sighing, "I thought I could handle it…I thought I was past it and past all the crap with Luke."
"You never had any time to process it really…not that I think marrying Luke is wrong but there has been a lot going on. I can imagine that your brain and your heart needed time to get on the same page about things." Rory said with a shrug.
Lorelai smiled, "I see all that Yale education paid off…you're so wise. Did you minor in psychology?"
Rory laughed, it was typical of her mother to crack a joke in her time of need. "No…all the wisdom I have gained over the years has come from my amazing mother…"
Lorelai smiled at her, "Hon…"
"Don't you for one second think you are or were a bad mother. I will allow you to feel sad and hurt about Dad and even Luke but I will not allow you to ever think you are a bad mother. Okay?" Rory said leaning her head against hers.
Lorelai stared at her daughter and let her words wash over her. She was reminded of a time not to long ago when Luke tried to assure her that she was not a bad mother when Rory and her were not talking. Sometimes when you are feeling so much pain, no amount of reassurance can get you to see the truth.
But as she sat there with her daughter, she realized that this pain she felt now would be nothing compared to what it would be like to lose Luke again. No matter scared or angry she might be at the moment she couldn't let Luke slip away again. She would never survive it this time around…she knew that was for sure. She just hoped she could get her heart and head on the same page before it was too late…
After fishing for a few hours, Liz had convinced Luke to go get lunch at Maisey and Bud's. Luckily, neither Bud nor Maisey asked any questions about Lorelai, which was good because he didn't have the strength to talk about it. Although he had a feeling that when he had gone to the bathroom when they first got there, Liz had filled them in on the details and told them not to push him. Even though he didn't like the idea of them all talking behind his back, he appreciated all of their support; especially his sisters.
After lunch they had gone back to Liz's and Luke enjoyed playing with Doula. Her innocent, smiling face seemed to help wash away his fears at least for a little while…Liz had commented on how natural he looked with her daughter. He tried to ignore the ache in his chest when he thought he might be losing his last chance to have this with Lorelai.
By the time that the sun was setting, TJ had come home and despite Liz's please to stay for dinner he needed to excuse himself. After a few hugs and trying to reassure his sister he would be okay he went out to his truck and began to head towards the Diner. He hadn't heard from Lorelai or Rory all day and it took all his strength not to head towards their house…
When he pulled in back of the Diner he sat in the truck for a few moments unable to get himself to get out of the truck. With a sigh, he started the truck again and backed out of his spot and headed towards the lake and the soon to be finished house he hoped to one day share with Lorelai. The workers were gone for the day so he had the place to himself as he pulled himself from the truck. He grabbed his tool box from the back of the truck bed and walked in the space that would soon have their front door…
He glanced around at the progress before taking the steps upstairs towards the bedroom. Lorelai hadn't been to the house in awhile because she was to busy with work and preparing for the trial. That gave him time to work on the four-poster bed he was building for their room without her prying eyes. He was hoping to surprise her with it on the night of their wedding but after what had happened today he worried that would never happen…
Trying to erase those worries he flipped on the radio in the corner and got to work on the carvings on the headboard. He made sure to place his phone nearby just incase either one of the Gilmore girls finally called…
After dinner, Lorelai took a long, hot bath and tried to calm her worrying mind. Her daughter had spent most of the day by her side trying to keep her laughing and doing her best to erase the tears when they showed back up. She knew deep in her heart pushing away Luke wasn't going to do either of them any good. She just hated the idea of making any more mistakes…
But as she pulled herself out of the tub and went to dry off she realized pushing him away would be the biggest mistake of all. She thought she was protecting him from her but the reality was that pushing him away would do more damage to him than keeping him as close as possible. With a sigh, she ran a brush through her damp curls and threw it up in a messy bun before slipping into some comfortable clothes.
As she walked downstairs, she saw Rory curled up with Paul Anka on the couch reading and she smiled to herself. "You look better…" Rory whispered, "Did the bath help?"
"It always does…" Lorelai whispered as she reached the landing.
Rory watched her for a moment before smiling, "Going to see Luke?"
Lorelai bit her lip nervously as she crossed her arms over her chest, "I don't really have any other choice do I? Being without him isn't an option…"
Rory smiled and closed her book before she stood up and walked over to her, "I'm glad you have finally realized that…"
Lorelai took a deep breath and then pulled her daughter in for a tight hug, "Thank you kid…for everything."
Rory held her back and tried to hold in her own tears, "Anytime Mom. I'll always be here…" She pulled back and walked over to the couch, "I won't wait up…"
Lorelai smiled and quickly grabbed her keys before jumping into the jeep and driving towards the Diner. She saw Ceaser serving a few customers inside as she pulled around back. She frowned when she didn't see his truck but she decided to try the apartment anyway. When she found it empty, she began to walk back down the back stairs when she ran into Liz who was carrying a plate of food in her hands.
"Liz…" Lorelai whispered as she came to a sudden stop, "He's uh…he's not up there."
Liz nodded, "I figured as much…but I thought I'd drop this off to make sure he had something to eat. I'm not even sure he will eat it but I figured it was worth a try…didn't want him to skip dinner."
Lorelai stared at him for a moment, "Um…have you seen him today?"
Liz smiled sadly at her, "I did. We spent most of the day together actually…he just left my house about an hour ago."
Lorelai's face reddened and she looked down slowly, "So you know about-"
Liz sighed and put the plate down on the bottom step before reaching for Lorelai's hand, "You don't have to say anything Lorelai…I understand what you were feeling."
Biting her lip nervously, Lorelai lifted her head slowly, "You do?"
Liz smiled, "It's the whole single mother thing…you worry that every decision you made has totally screwed up your kid forever. But I have to tell you…Rory's one hell of a kid! You have nothing to worry about…you clearly did an amazing job."
Lorelai raised her eyebrow and clucked her tongue, "Well…I had a lot of help from your brother."
"Well so did I when it came to Jess…" Liz said shrugging, "And I've learned that it's not bad to ask for help sometimes…but I know how hard it can be."
Lorelai stared at Luke's sister for a moment and took a deep breath, "I want you to know that I love your brother. That's never been the problem…in fact sometimes I think I love him too much and that's the problem. I never, ever want to cause him any pain its just sometimes I get so wrapped up in my head that I can't see what's right in front of me. I hope…" She bowed her head and sighed, "I really hope you don't hate me…"
Liz reached for her arm and squeezed it gently, "I don't hate you Lorelai…not even a little bit. I admire you for how strong you always are. You put everyone else first just like my brother does and while that's great it can also make it hard to deal with your own problems. Everything you've been through lately has to be incredibly overwhelming…I don't blame you for breaking down."
Lorelai nodded, "I need to fix this…"
"And you will…" Liz said leaning down to pick up the plate again, "Take this and go see him…"
"But I don't know where he is…" Lorelai said shaking her head.
Liz smiled and stepped back, "If you think hard enough I bet you'll figure it out…"
Lorelai watched her step back and walk towards the exit, she glanced down at the plate in her hands and then looked up quickly. "Hey Liz!" She watched her turn quickly before she smiled, "You did a hell of a job with Jess too…whether you realize it or not he's a great kid. Luke may have helped but you played a part in that too."
Liz smiled sheepishly and nodded her head in thanks before walking away and letting the door close behind her. Lorelai stood at the bottom of the stairs for a few moments trying to get her bearings before she realized where Luke had to be. Without hesitating, she walked out to the jeep, placed the food on the passenger seat and then drove off towards the lake…
When she pulled up she let out a sigh of relief when she saw Luke's truck. It had been awhile since she had checked on the progress of the house and she was amazed at how far along it had come. Grabbing the plate of food, she walked up what would be the front walk way and up the steps of the porch. She stepped through the hole in the front and glanced around before following the sounds of the music coming from upstairs.
When she walked into the bedroom, her heart stopped at what she saw in front of her. The music played softly as the light glow of the two lanterns on the floor shown on the beautiful four-poster bed in front of her. Luke was nowhere to be seen but she didn't need to see him working on it to know that he had built this for her. For them…
She bent down and placed the plate of food to the left of the door and walked over to the bed and ran her hands over the smooth wood of one of the arms. The tears welled up in her eyes at the beauty and she was so consumed in her own thoughts she didn't hear the footsteps of Luke's work boots against the floor. He stopped in his tracks when he saw her and watched her admire his hard work. He had hoped to surprise her with this after the wedding but seeing her stand there, he realized there was no better time than now for her to see it.
He watched her walk towards the headboard and trace her finger through one of the large L's that was etched in the wood. "I hope you don't think it's too cheesy to have that there…" He mumbled nervously.
Lorelai's head snapped back towards him and she smiled through her tears, "Oh Luke…it's so beautiful."
He smiled sheepishly and stepped further into the room, bending down he discarded the tools he had gone to get while she had entered the house. "I uh…I debated putting the L's on there but…" He shrugged, "I don't know it seemed like the right thing to do…but I can change it if you want. Start a new one…"
She shook her head and sniffled as she wiped her tears away with the sleeves of her sweatshirt. "Oh no…don't you dare change it. It's absolutely perfect…I can't believe you made this…"
He smiled sadly at her, "I told you I'd make one for us…"
She let out a shaky breath and looked back at the half finished piece before she walked over to him. He watched her nervously as she studied his face before stepping on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck. He didn't say a word as she buried her face in the crook of his neck and he wrapped his own arms around her waist.
"I'm so sorry…" She croaked against his collar bone, "I'm so, so sorry Luke…"
He breathed her in and held her closer, "It's okay…it's okay…you don't have to apologize. I get it…"
She clung to his shirt and placed sweet kisses against the stubble on his chin. "Everything just hit me all at once and I felt so overwhelmed and unsure…but I wasn't unsure about you it was about me. And I'm sorry…God I'm sorry. I was so mean…I never want to push you away. Never…"
He felt her tears run down his neck and his heart ached as he pulled her away to look her in the eye. "Lorelai…"
"You and Rory are the two best things that have ever happened to me. And sometimes I don't know what I did to deserve you…and hearing all those things yesterday brought up all these old fears. I was afraid that I failed you both…that I would always fail you…" She said shaking her head, she couldn't meet his eyes and only stared down at her hands clutching hopelessly at the collar of his shirt.
"You have never failed me and you have never failed Rory…you never will." He said shaking his head.
She let her eyes flutter up towards him for a moment, "I just…I never knew that you could love someone so much until I met you two. I mean…" She shrugged, "I know my parents love me but growing up we never said that we loved each other. And I think that made me nervous to love anyone else…and so its easier to push you away now than to feel the pain again later."
Luke sighed and reached up to brush her tears away with his thumbs, "Lorelai, things aren't always going to be perfect. Life is going to happen…and things will get hard. But we can't push each other away every time we get afraid…I know that now. And I need you to know it too because I can't stand the idea of losing you again. I wouldn't survive it this time around…"
She shook her head, "I wouldn't survive it either…" She whispered sadly, "God it almost killed me last time…I know it would do me in now."
He nodded slowly and cradled her face gently, "So…does this mean you aren't calling off the wedding?"
She let out a breath and leaned in against him again and rubbed her nose against the soft flannel he wore. "No. God no…not this time."
He let out a sigh of relief and held her close again. "Good…"
"I'm sorry I let you doubt how I felt…" She whispered, "I know how scary that feels…"
He nodded slowly, "It's okay…you've had a hell of a lot going on lately. I guess it was crazy of us to think you could just move on so quickly."
"Rory said my head and my heart had to get on the same page…" Lorelai said sniffling as she held him close.
"And have they?" He asked softly as he rubbed circles against her back.
She smiled against his chest and nodded, "Yes…finally."
He smiled happily and kissed the side of her face, "I'm glad to hear it…"
Sighing again, Lorelai pulled away and wiped at her face. "God I must look like a wreck…"
He shook his head and smiled at her before whispering honestly, "You look beautiful. You always do…"
She smiled up at him before turning back towards the bed. "I really can't believe you did all of this…"
He watched her walk back towards the bed and run her hands against the smooth wood. "It's not done yet…but it's getting there."
"How did I not realize you were doing this?" She asked looking back at him "I mean aside from work we have pretty much been together 24/7!"
He shrugged, "I would run over here when the Diner was quiet or when you were visiting with Sookie and Rory. Tom was pretty good about letting me work without disturbing me."
"You're an amazing man…" She whispered as she stood behind the headboard smiling at him. "But I really wish there was a mattress on here right now…"
His face flushed and he cleared his throat, "Why?"
"Because I need you…" She whispered in a soft, husky voice. "I need to feel you…"
Luke stared at her there standing behind their unfinished bed in there soon to be bedroom. The moon shone through the windows and reflected against her pale skin and she took his breath away. He said a silent prayer to whoever was above them that she had come back to him, and then he lifted his finger to tell her he would be right back.
A few moments later he returned with a large blanket and he placed it down on the ground. "We may be a little sore in the morning…"
She smiled through her tears and shook her head, "I don't care…"
He glanced back over at her and then reached his hand out to her, "Come here…"
Lorelai took a few shaky steps towards him and relaxed when she felt his hands cup her face. She knew that he wouldn't let her fall again; she was safe, completely safe when she was with him.
He caressed her cheek softly before whispering to her, "I love you…"
Her eyes fluttered closed for a moment as a tear escaped, "I love you too…so much."
Gently pulling her forward he kissed her and made sure to pour ever ounce of passion he had within him into that kiss. He felt her melt against him as he body finally relaxed into his embrace. As carefully as he could be guided them to a kneeling position on the floor and then eased her back against the blanket.
As he held himself above her he made sure to stare into her eyes to let her know just how much he meant to him. Unlike this morning, he saw hope and love in her eyes instead of fear and sadness. He knew there were still things to discuss but none of that mattered right now…they needed one another. And for right now he knew he could let his actions speak rather than his words…they had a lifetime to talk. Right in this moment they just had to feel one another…
No matter what the future had in store for them, he knew they would face it head on. Together, right where they were supposed to be.
So I hope you liked it. It was a bit more angsty than other chapters but I still enjoyed writing it. Hope you liked it, send in those reviews and I will try and update soon!