Several weeks later, Poison Ivy was still in Arkham, and getting bored. There was nothing to do in Arkham, and what was bothering her even more was that, at the moment, there was no one to do in Arkham. Two-Face hadn't been dragged back yet, and Ivy found herself increasingly desperate to scratch her itch. She caught herself studying the other inmates and wondering who would be the least objectionable to have intercourse with. Her eyes fixed on Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch sitting at the Rec Room table with a pot of tea, and she began to wonder which of the two would cry less at losing their virginity.
"Are you all right, Pamela?" asked Crane, noticing her staring. "Would you like a cup of tea?"
"Uh…no, thanks, Johnny," she replied, telling herself she wasn't that desperate yet and returning her attention to the magazine she was reading. A magazine that was unhelpfully running a story about tips for women in the bedroom. She shut it quickly, grabbing the remote and turning on the TV.
"Wait, since when did we get HBO?" she demanded, glaring at the steamy scene on screen.
"It's a recent development – the city decided if prisons got cable TV, we needed to as well," replied Crane. "But it seems to be mostly pornographic."
Ivy sighed, flipping off the screen. "Why is it, whenever you're single and alone, there's nothing but stuff reminding you of sex everywhere?"
"I don't know, having always been single and alone," retorted Crane. "I assume that's just what the world is like."
"I find the key is to look for joy in the little things," said Tetch. "Sublimate your desires into smaller, more attainable goals. Like making the perfect cup of tea."
Ivy looked at him. "Yeah…I guess I could try something like that," she muttered. "Knitting or…stamp collecting or…oh God, I need a man!" she said, burying her face in her hands. "Or I'm gonna end up alone with a buncha cats like Selina! And everyone will call me Catwoman 2! And that movie was bad enough the first time without making a sequel!"
"Look, I'm sure life's not that bad," said Tetch, gently. "After all, it could be worse…"
"How could it be worse?" demanded Ivy.
The door opened at that moment and the Joker was shoved inside.
"Oh yeah, that'll do it," muttered Ivy.
The door opened again and Harley Quinn was shoved inside, wearing a loose-fitting suit and a grey wig. "I can't believe you tried this again, Joker!" snapped Dr. Leland, following Harley inside. "And that you went along with it again, Harley!"
"I dunno what you mean, Doc!" cried Joker. "Do you, person who is definitely not Harley Quinn?"
"No, puddin'…uh…I mean…" stammered Harley, putting on a sudden German accent. "I mean, no, Herr Joker! I am Doctor Schultz of Hamburg…"
"Harley, please, I have enough on my mind with Nygma in the infirmary with third degree burns!" snapped Dr. Leland. "Thanks again for dumping a bucket of boiling water on his head, Joker."
"Hey, it was for charity!" snapped Joker. "It was an original take on that ice bucket challenge! Hilarious and relevant!"
"Just try not to maim anyone in here for twenty-four hours, all right?" snapped Dr. Leland.
"No maiming for twenty-four hours?" repeated Joker, horrified. "But…but a man has needs, Doc!"
Dr. Leland glared at him and then left, slamming the door shut after her. "Ok, but you're gonna regret it when Dr. Heimlich here sues you for wrongful imprisonment!" shouted Joker after her.
"It's Dr. Schultz, puddin'," said Harley, adjusting her wig. "Dr. Heimlich was last time…uh…I mean, release me at vonce, Joan…uh…Dr. Leland!"
"Oh, forget it, Harl!" growled Joker, ripping her wig off. "You little idiot! You disguising as a visiting German psychiatrist was a surefire ticket outta here, but you had to ruin everything, as usual!"
"I'm sorry, puddin'," said Harley, sincerely. "I didn't mean to blow the scheme, but being on the therapy couch with you just took me back, and your face is so handsome that I just can't resist kissing your beautiful lips..."
"Get offa me, you dumb blonde!" he roared, shoving her away.
"Now puddin', the relationship counselor said we needed to start communicating in a healthy, productive way," said Harley. "And that we need to start sharing responsibility for the failures in our relationship. So I'll take the blame for ruining the disguise if you find something to blame yourself for…"
"I ain't taking any blame, because it ain't my fault in any way!" he shouted. "Well, I guess it is my fault for trusting you to do something right, you dumb broad! If you could just keep your hands to yourself for once, you useless waste of space, a lot more of my schemes would go according to plan!"
"I doubt that, J," retorted Ivy. "I'm pretty sure you're just a failure at life."
"And good morning to you too, Weed Lady!" said Joker, grinning at her. "What are you still doing in here? Ain't got Daddy Warbucks to buy you a parole yet?"
"If you mean Lex, we broke up," snapped Ivy.
"Of course I mean Sexy Lexy – who else could be Daddy Warbucks?" chuckled Joker. "He's rich and bald, just like him. Also has a thing for taking in stray redheads. Was that why you broke up? He found someone younger and hotter?"
"We broke up because he decided he needed a squeaky clean image for his presidential campaign," growled Ivy.
"And you were too dirty, huh?" giggled Joker. "Hardly surprising, I suppose, when you spend a lotta time getting friendly with plants."
"You doing ok, Red?" asked Harley, pulling off the oversized suit to reveal her costume underneath. "I'm here if you wanna talk about it."
Ivy sighed. "Yeah, it might be good to talk to someone," she agreed. Harley came over to the sofa, along with Joker.
"Beat it, J," snapped Ivy.
"Aw, but I wanna hear all the dirt on Lexy!" said Joker. "Tell me, as a man, how does he measure up? I'm betting pinky size…"
"Why would I date a guy like that?" demanded Ivy.
Joker shrugged. "Beggars can't be choosers."
Ivy looked ready to punch him in the face, but Harley intervened. "C'mon, Mr. J – Red and me just want some nice girl talk with just the two of us. Why doncha do something fun like design that new hideout of yours? You remember, the one you want to build in the volcano?"
"Oh yeah!" said Joker, beaming. "I want my next caper to be James Bond themed – Laugh and Let Die is the provisional title," he explained. "I'm writing one of those Shirley Bassey songs for a scantily-clad Harley to perform in the title sequence – The Joker! *wah wah wah* He's the man, the man with the laughing gas! A happy gas! Such a kind Joker! *wah wah wah* Invites you to share in his joyful grin! So just breathe in!"
He headed off whistling while Harley reached into her pocket and handed Ivy a bar of chocolate. "Here. I was saving it for playtime with Mr. J, but you need it more."
"Gee…thanks, Harley," said Ivy, taking it.
"So c'mon, Red, tell me anything," said Harley, crossing her legs on the sofa and hugging the pillow. "You miss Lex?"
"Not Lex," retorted Ivy. "Just…men in general. I'm not used to going this long without sex, and with Harvey still not back, I'm getting a little desperate."
"You ain't been in here that long, have you?" asked Harley.
"Four weeks," replied Ivy.
Harley looked confused. "But…gee, Red, didn't you have sex until you got arrested?"
"Yeah," agreed Ivy. "A month is still a long time to go without it, though."
"Well, how often did you and Lex have sex?" asked Harley.
"I dunno – it varied," she said, shrugging. "At least a couple times a week, though…"
Harley fell off the sofa. "A couple times…A WEEK?" she gasped. "You're joking, right?"
"Uh…no," said Ivy.
"But…but no one gets it a couple times a week!" gasped Harley. "Guys aren't interested in it that much!"
Ivy stared at her. "Are you crazy?" she demanded.
"No, I just…I ain't ever…experienced that," said Harley. "You're really lucky, Red. I get it a couple times a month if I'm lucky, and a couple times a year if I ain't."
"That's because your boyfriend is a repressed freak who sublimates his sexual desires by fighting a guy in a bat costume," retorted Ivy.
"No, he don't!" snapped Harley. "And he's getting better! We've been seeing a relationship therapist, and she's helping us work through our issues as a couple with open and honest communication. For instance…"
She stood up, heading over to where Joker was drawing a picture of a volcano hideout. She cleared her throat. "Mr. J, in the spirit of open and honest communication, I need to inform you that I'd like more regular sexual activity."
"Well, I'd like to be best friends with Charlie Chaplin," said Joker, not looking up. "So we can't always get what we want. Unless I made a scheme to resurrect Chaplin and have his zombified corpse fight Batman…write that down, Harley."
"Mr. J, that counselor said our relationship needed equal amounts of give and take on both sides," said Harley. "So why don't you agree to do this for me, and I'll do something nice for you in return?"
"Because you'll do something nice for me anyway if I ask you to," he snapped. "You're a pushover, Harley. And nobody makes deals with pushovers. Easier to just push 'em over," he said, shoving his hand onto her face and pushing her backward with a squeak.
"You dumb jerk!" she shrieked, standing up and rubbing her backside. "How's our relationship ever gonna get better if you won't do what the counselor said?"
"Our relationship's fine, Harley," he retorted. "I tell you what to do, and you do it. Couldn't be more perfect."
"No, it ain't!" she snapped. "I want more sex! And you'd better give it to me, or I'll…I'll…withhold sex! No, wait, dammit, that doesn't work! Uh…I'll…pour a bucket of boiling water on your head for charity, just like you did to Eddie!"
"Good luck getting your hands on some boiling water, toots!" he snapped. "They're paranoid after my incident – didn't even donate to charity either, the selfish bastards! I had the Joker Foundation to Spread Smiles and Laughter all set up…"
Harley glared at him and stormed away. "Stupid clown," she muttered. "How am I gonna…"
She trailed off when she noticed Crane and Tetch, and an idea came to her. "Hi boys, how's it going?" she asked, pulling out a chair.
Ivy sighed as Harley went to join them. "So much for talking," she muttered. "Why does life hate me? What have I ever done wrong? Why can't I catch a break for once…"
As she said this, the door opened again and Two-Face entered. "Harvey, you're back!" said Ivy in relief.
He glared at her. "Yeah. And? Why would you care?"
"Well, I…I just thought…uh…you might wanna…catch up," said Ivy, slowly.
"Forget it, Pam," he snapped. "I'm still angry at you, and I don't wanna have anything to do with a woman who's just interested in using me. I got a little more self-respect than that, even if you don't."
Ivy glared at him as he sat down and picked up a book. "Fine," she sniffed. "I don't care. I'm Poison Ivy, and I have no problems getting men. I'll be outta here in no time and have guys throwing themselves at my feet. No man can resist me, after all."
"One can," snapped Two-Face.
"Two!" said Joker, shooting his hand up.
"Shut up, J!" snapped Ivy. "I'd never want you in a million years!"
"Beggars can't be choosers," repeated Joker, giggling.
Ivy ignored him, turning the TV back on and trying to distract herself. One of guards entered at that moment. "Mr. Dent, you have a visitor," he said to Two-Face.
He looked up from his book, surprised. "Oh…really? But how could Bruce have known I was back..."
"It's not Mr. Wayne, Mr. Dent," said the guard. "It's a woman."
Two-Face's faces looked even more confused. "A woman?"
"She says her name is Grace Lamont," said the guard.
An expression of pain passed over his faces. "Grace?" he repeated. "Why…why would she…after all these years…"
"Who's Grace?" asked Ivy, casually.
"My ex-fiancee," muttered Two-Face. "We broke up after…I tried to kill her. I thought she was having an affair with Bruce…should have known better, really. Bruce is a good man, and he forgave me for my mistakes. And Grace is…a good woman."
"Well, nobody's all good or all bad, Harvey," snapped Ivy. "You know that. We're all a little of both, fifty fifty, remember? But why did you think she was cheating on you with Bruce if she wasn't?"
"The evidence was…very incriminating," growled Two-Face. "There was a picture in the paper announcing their engagement…"
"Oh yeah, that gag!" giggled Joker, beaming. "I set that up! Harley snapped the cozy picture of the two of them and sold it to the paper along with the engagement story…"
"That was you?!" roared Two-Face, furiously. "You bastard! You two-faced bastard!"
"Pot to the kettle, Harvey…" began Joker, but Two-Face seized him and flung him into the table where Crane, Tetch, and Harley were sitting. Harley grabbed the teapot out of way, clutching it protectively to her chest, as Joker's body collided with the table.
"Another day, another brawl," sighed Crane, as Joker picked himself up and launched himself at Two-Face. More guards rushed in to split them up, and dragged Two-Face out of the Rec Room and toward the visiting room.
"Can't take a joke, honestly," muttered Joker, wiping his bleeding lip as the guards released him.
"Thank you for saving my teapot, Harley," said Tetch, sincerely. "It's an antique…Harley? Harley?" he said, looking around. Harley had left the table and was tiptoeing over to where the Joker was sitting, working on his plan again. She still held the teapot, and the realization suddenly dawned on Tetch.
"No, no, no, Harley, it's an antique!" he cried, racing forward to intercept her, but it was too late. Harley shattered the teapot on Joker's head, and he roared in pain as the scalding water soaked him.
"Ha! Now who can't take a joke, pud…" began Harley, but he whirled around, grabbing her by her pigtails, eyes blazing.
"You little brat!" he shouted into her face. "I'm gonna break every bone in your worthless body!"
He slammed her against the wall and began choking her as the guards raced forward. "No…just back off…boys!" gasped Harley. "This is gonna…get him in the mood!"
"You're gonna be punished real hard for this, Harley," he hissed. "You're gonna get the spanking of a lifetime! C'mon," he growled, dragging her off by her hair.
Harley giggled. "I love it when you talk dirty, puddin'!" she sighed, adoringly.
Ivy stared after them, shaking her head. She idly wondered what this ex-fiancee wanted with Two-Face, but then she decided she didn't really care. It wasn't like she was jealous or anything. She was Poison Ivy – she didn't get jealous. Not at all.