CHAPTER 19:
Lexa stopped just outside the infirmary doors. She swallowed and tried to calm her breathing. When she left Clarke a few hours ago Lexa was filled with worry. Seeing Clarke unconscious and in such a serious condition left Lexa feeling thin like butter scraped over too much bread. She couldn't shake the image of Clarke with the knife to her throat before the blonde buckled in front of her. The image shook her to her core.
She had panicked when Clarke fell; she knew she had. She had been so afraid of losing Clarke. She had the centuries in Polis find her a horse and help load Clarke to the front of the saddle the moment Clarke fell into her arms. Lexa felt responsible for all of Clarke's physical injuries as well as her emotional ones. She felt like a monster. She left word of where she was headed before dashing out of sight on the horse clinging to Clarke keeping her steady. "Hold on Clarke," she had kept whispering unsure if it was more to Clarke or to herself. She rode at lightning speed, pushing the horse to push itself. All that mattered in those moments was getting Clarke the medical attention she obviously needed.
She remembered every bit of the journey. She recalled screaming at the gate of Arkadia demanding they open the door. When they wouldn't open for her Lexa had cursed at them, called them fools and demanded they find Abby. Understandably the Arkers were wary of Lexa, the last time they saw her she had left them to die taking her army with her.
"Commander?" Abby said coming into view of the gate. She began hurrying her pace, "what's this about?"
LExa shook her head and swallowed the tears attempting to choke out her voice, "it's...it's Clarke! She needs your help!" Lexa said pulling back Clarke's hood. Abby gasped and shot forwards screaming for the gate to opened at once.
Lexa bolted the horse in not stopping until she was just outside the Ark's door. People rushed to her side, she kept clinging to Clarke instinctively as hands reached out to pull Clarke off the saddle. She felt a hand land on her right forearm and Lexa turned to find Abby looking up at her. "It's okay, you can let go," Abby said soothingly. Lexa nodded coming back to her senses, trying to push the panic of the events out of her system.
She hopped down after she let them take Clarke from her clutches and followed them inside her eyes trained on Clarke's blonde hair. She watched as they removed her coat and boots and lied her in a bed. They began grabbing tools and tubes and machines moving from one side of the room and back to Clarke. Lexa stood in silence as they worked. Her eyes remained fixed on Clarke.
She watched as they poked needles and tubes into the girl, listened to them speak without registering what they were saying. She stood there for what seemed like hours, praying Clarke would open her eyes. Lexa needed to see the blue of Clarke's eyes. She continued to watch the people work until it was only Abby and Lexa still in the room.
Abby suddenly turned to Lexa, "Thank you for bringing her home."
Lexa continued to stare at Clarke lost in her own silent prayers.
Abby left Clarke's side and before Lexa knew what was happening Abby was in front of her trying to snap her out of her daze. Lexa shook her head snapping out of it.
Abby repeated her words of thanks. She then added, "You saved her life."
Lexa looked away. She didn't want Abby's thanks. She didn't deserve it. She had caused Clarke's pain. All of Lexa's actions had led Clarke to run away and put her life in even more danger than it had already been in. Lexa felt like the root of all-evil. She was the devil in Clarke's life that kept pulling her deeper and deeper into hell. Tears began to well up into Lexa's eyes as she simply nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
Abby looked at her a few seconds longer before turning her attention back to Clarke. Lexa watched her for a few more minutes and she then took her chance to look more closely at Clarke. She took in the girls body, still and still weak. A clear pouch with clear fluid hung above the bed with its tube going into Clarke's arm. Lexa looked at it curiously.
She heard Abby clear her throat and Lexa turned to find Abby gesturing to an arm chair a few feet from Clarke's bed. Abby then left the room without a word. Lexa crossed the room to the other side of Clarke's bed and sat down silently in the chair. She just realized how tired she was, how much of a toll the events had taken on her body both mentally and physically. Lexa sunk a little deeper into the chair but kept her eyes fixed on Clarke. She would not, could not, sleep until Clarke woke up.
Lexa stayed in the chair for the rest of the day. She didn't move and wasn't asked to move anytime Abby entered the room to check on her. Her eyes felt heavy, they burned but she didn't sleep. Her body begged her to shut her eyes and rest but she didn't listen. She just kept staring at Clarke replaying every single moment they ever shared together.
By the next day Clarke still hadn't woken up. Lexa still hadn't slept. She still hadn't said a word to anyone. She politely shook her head at all of Abby's offerings of food. She stayed silent with her eyes trained on Clarke even when Bellamy, Octavia and Raven popped their heads in to check on Clarke. They said nothing to Lexa and she said nothing to them. She didn't care, she just had to wait for Clarke.
Lexa was all alone in the room with Clarke when she thought she saw her eye flutter under the lid. Lexa pulled her chair closer instinctively and stared at her harder. "Come on Clarke…Come on," she found herself whispering, "come back to me…" the words escaped her before she registered them.
Before she could think about it Clarke whole body had begun to twitch, Lexa stood up horrified and her hands shot out to Clarke body. "Clarke?!" a panicked squeal came out of her mouth. "ABBY!" Lexa screamed at the top of her lungs, a few seconds later Abby came flying into the room.
"She's seizing! We must have missed something!" Abby explained beginning to search for a needle, she stabbed it into Clarke's IV, a few seconds later Clarke's body fell still. Lexa gasped.
"It's the medicine I gave her to stop the seizure," Abby explained quickly hearing Lexa's gasp.
Lexa began to think, she had to help. Suddenly she had remembered Octavia telling her she had been struck with an arrow. "Check for a wound, she was hit by an arrow about a week ago," Lexa said out loud.
Abby grabbed a scalpel and tore the sheet off Clarkes body, she began slicing into Clarke's pants slowly exposing her hips, then her thighs and finally releasing her legs from the material. There it was, a blood soaked bandage wrapped tight on her thigh. Seeing the blood on the bandage made Lexa's knees shake, she reached for Clarke's arm and bedside to steady her. The warmth of Clarke's body help calm her a bit as she watched Abby remove the bandage.
Lexa's stomache flipped when she saw the wound, it was red and angry looking, parts of it were green obviously infected. Abby flew into action grabbing another needle and plunging into Clarke's thigh, she then grabbed a fresh scalpel and began digging into Clarke's wound. She was scraping bits of dirt and infection away.
Lexa's stomach did another flip and she put her eyes back on Clarke, she felt her knees go weak again and her head had begun to swim. She had been around many war wounds, she had seen the bloodiest battle fields and no scene affected her as this one. She knew why she felt sick, she felt this way because of who was injured. It was Clarke… she knew she felt the same illness wash over her when she was delivered Costia's head. Lexa stumbled, she turned and sped out of the room. She needed air, she couldn't breathe, she walked down the hall but her feet only took her so far. She couldn't bring herself to go any further away from Clarke. It here that she had begun her pacing.
Someone cleared their throat and Lexa snapped out of her thoughts. She was still standing in front of the infirmary doors arm still out reached to the knob. Lexa looked to her right and found Raven watching her curiously. Lexa shot her hand back down to her side, blinking a few times. She nodded to Raven turned on her heel and headed a few feet away. She tried to ignore the fact that she could still feel raven watching her. She breathed a small sigh of relief when she heard Raven open the infirmary doors and head in.
After a while Raven exited the room and came across Lexa again. Lexa looked up and raven smiled and cocked her head. "She's still awake," Raven said.
Lexa nodded and took a deep breath. Raven took a few steps closer to her. She looked at Lexa before saying, "Look, none of us are innocent. We've all done really shitty things to survive down here…" she paused and Lexa let her words sink in, "it doesn't mean we're shitty people," Raven finished with a small smile before she turned and left Lexa alone.
Lexa stayed there for sometime absorbing the meaning of Raven's words before finally heading in to the infirmary.