Chapter 20

The infirmary door opened and Clarke looked over. She saw Raven entering the room with a big grin on her face, Clarke saw the back of Lexa's head behind her before the door closed.

"Hey girl! About time you woke up! I've been waiting since you got here!" Raven said as she sat down beside Clarke.

Clarke smiled weakly, "It's good to see you too."

Raven reached out and squeezed Clarke's arm. "I'm serious, we've all missed you. We were stupid worried about you Clarke."

Clarke nodded and her gaze slowly went back to the door, her thoughts travelling through it and to the girl beyond them. Raven must have caught her glance because what she said next surprised Clarke.

"What did you do to her?"

Clarke shook her head snapping back to Raven. "What do you mean?" she asked defensive but also concerned.

Raven cocked her eyebrow, "Come on Clarke, that girl is not right. That is not the Commander that we knew four months ago."

Clarke swallowed unsure of what to say. She simply looked at Raven and shrugged.

Raven shrugged. "Okay Clarke," she said sarcastically with a smile.

Clarke returned it, Raven's zest for life and ability to make light of situations was refreshing, "I missed you," Clarke said truthfully.

"How could you not?" Raven joked. Clarke smiled but her gaze returned to the door. Seeing this Raven smiled and rose out of her chair. "I'll let you get some more rest, come find me when you're up and about." With that Raven left the room.

Clarke nodded and kept watching the door after it was closed. She wondered if Lexa was going to come in next. She waited for a short while before her eyes drooped close again. Clarke went back into her nightmare again. It was different this time. It started the same way it always had with Lexa's green eyes and the whisper of "may we meet again" but it shifted near the end and Clarke found herself right back in the alley way of Polis. She was pressing the blade into Lexa's throat. She looked on horrified as she began tearing the knife into Lexa's throat slowly and methodically. She watched black blood gush from the wound and begin to trail down Lexa's soft neck. Clarke screamed unable to stop the motion, She watched the light flicker from Lexa's eyes before she slumped to the ground in a motionless heap. Clarke screamed the most heart wrenching sound escaping her as she looked upon the scene. They were both covered in blood, the hot tears streaming down Clarke's cheeks the scream still ringing in her ears.

"Clarke!" Lexa's voice filled Clarke's ears. How could she be calling out to her, Lexa was dead. Clarke was looking down on her a puddle of black blood seeping out around the two of them. "Clarke!" she heard it again.

Her hand shot out and found a hand on her shoulder, she squeezed the hand as her eyes flickered open and she looked up.

"Lexa," Clarke sighed in relief and squeezed the girls hand.

Lexa nodded, a tear rolling down her cheek. She was gazing into Clarke's eyes and she wasn't blinking. Clarke stared back as Lexa said "I'm here, you're safe." Clarke felt Lexa's hand tighten and squeeze as if reassuring herself that Clarke was indeed there too.

They remained quiet for while, still staring at each other but no words breaking the silence. Clarke spent the time absorbing Lexa's features; breathing in deep the girl's familiar floral smell she found it soothing. She realized she still hadn't removed her hand from Lexa's on her shoulder. Clarke suddenly removed it feeling self conscious.

The movement snapped the girls out of it. Lexa pulled back her hand as well. She sat down again on her chair. She looked at Clarke and Clarke looked back. "Thank you…you saved my life," Clarke finally said.

Lexa screwed up her eyes her face tightening, "You wouldn't have needed saving if it wasn't for me."

Clarke looked at her curiously before remembering Lexa's breathless and loaded "I'm sorry" from back in the alley in Polis. In that instant Clarke knew. She knew Lexa blamed herself. Clarke knew Lexa carried the weight of her people and decisions on her back, what she had not realized was that Lexa was carrying the weight of Clarke's people and Clarke's actions on her back as well. Clarke shook her head, "You didn't shoot me with an arrow."

"No. My injuries to you were less obvious…less physical." Lexa said quietly, ashamed of herself.

Clarke swallowed, she felt vindicated that Lexa was feeling pain but at the same time, she felt incredibly guilty. Clarke knew she would have done the same thing at the mountain that Lexa did. They had already had this conversation briefly when the pauna attacked the second time. It wasn't fair for Clarke to continue placing the blame on her. Lexa did was she thought was best for her people.

Clarke slowly made to sit up. Lexa stood as Clarke stirred and was instantly assisting her. Clarke felt her strong soft hand reach around her and guide her up. When Clarke was sitting up Lexa removed her hands and stepped back again. As she moved Clarke's hand shot out and grabbed for Lexa's.

"Wait." She said swallowing the tears that had bubbled up, she looked into Lexa's eyes. "I understand what you did. I understand why you did it." Clarke said pausing letting her words sink in to both of them, "I forgive you, but I'll never forget it." Clarke swallowed continuing to look at Lexa, the girl had not spoken, Clarke took this opportunity to drive her point home, "If you betray me again.." tears came flowing out her eye balls onto her cheeks as she heard herself almost threaten Lexa. She knew how personal her inflection was.

Before the words were out of her mouth Lexa said "I won't," with a small shake of her head. Clarke searched her eyes, she was trying to find the lie behind the words. Clarke was relieved when she couldn't find any lie. "I couldn't," Lexa then said in a smaller voice.

Clarke nodded sucking back the tears unable to find more words. She was embarrassed to be crying in front of Lexa. Damn her tears.

Lexa gave a small smile as she looked warmly at Clarke. She cleared her throat, "I'll go get your mother, she should check your leg." She was about to move when Clarke tightened her grip on her hand.

"No. I don't want to see anyone," Clarke said shaking her head, "can we just sit here for a bit?" As she said it she found herself scooting to the right making a space beside her on the bed.

Lexa's eyes widened Clarke had once again surprised her. Lexa nodded and sat down beside Clarke as Clarke leaned back into her pillow. Their hands were still entwined when Clarke gave a gentle tug beckoning Lexa to relax on the pillow as well. Clarke could see the dark circles on her face, she knew the girl hadn't slept in days. She felt Lexa slowly settle in beside her. She could feel Lexa's warm body beside her and she let the warmth fill her up. She felt nervous like a small child, still keeping her hand clasped around Lexa's. Clarke felt her nerves leave her slowly, she felt herself sinking in deeper beside Lexa, she felt her body turning itself trying to get closer to the girl beside her.

They lied in silence for a long while before their breathing matched up and their chests rose and fell as one beside each other. They both were asleep before they knew it.