"I still can't believe he shot me!" exclaimed Poison Ivy a few weeks later. Her leg was still in a cast from the bullet wound, and she had to hobble around on crutches, which hadn't improved her mood any. And she hadn't seen Two-Face since the whole thing happened. He had been keeping to his cell ever since his return, and so the only person Ivy had to complain to was the general inmates in the Rec Room. "After I told him I loved him and everything! And then he goes and says he loves me, but who's ever been shot by a guy who says he loves you?"
"I have, Red," said Harley, cheerfully. "Lots of times. Mr. J's an affectionate guy, and I got a lot of bullet wounds from him. I call 'em love scars," she sighed. "Wanna see 'em?"
"No…thanks, Harley," growled Ivy, adjusting her cast. "Where is the louse anyway?"
Her question was answered as Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch came racing into the Rec Room, with the Joker close behind them holding a bucket of steaming water over his head. "It's for charity, boys!" he cried. "You can't say no!"
Crane and Tetch had managed to barricade themselves under the table, and Joker looked around for another victim. He saw Ivy sitting on the sofa and chuckled to himself, sneaking up behind her.
"Don't even think about it," snapped Ivy, not even turning around. "And everyone's over that bucket challenge thing already, J. It was just a fad."
"Oh, like your relationship with Harvey, huh?" asked Joker, turning to grin at her.
Ivy glared at him and then swiped her crutch at him, knocking the bucket out of his hands and onto his head.
"This is what I get for telling a guy I love him, I guess," she sighed, ignoring Joker's cries of pain. "But then all men are creeps."
"It's ok, puddin' – it's for charity," said Harley, who had raced over to Joker and was trying to comfort him. "And you're so brave for doing it twice! Just think how much good this is gonna be for the Joker Foundation to Spread Smiles and Laughter…"
"Just get offa me, you dumb blonde!" he roared, shoving her away. "Unless you want to get another love scar!"
"Oooh, puddin', I do!" she purred. "Maybe you could dump a bucket of boiling water on my head and give me a love burn!"
"It's only funny if you don't want it to happen, you stupid broad!" he snapped.
"Oh," said Harley, frowning. "Then…uh…then whatever you do, puddin', please, please, please don't dump a bucket of boiling water on my head and give me a love burn! That would be the worst possible thing ever!"
"Don't try that reverse psychology crap on me, Harley – I was seeing through that before you were even born," he retorted.
"Fine, puddin'," she sighed. "Just sit here all damp and sulking and think about what a loser you are."
Joker stared at her. "What did you call me?" he hissed.
"A loser," she retorted. "Everything you plan fails, whether it's killing Batman or dumping a bucket of boiling water on Jervis or Johnny. And Red just humiliated the crap outta you. Sounds like a loser to me."
Joker's whole body was shaking as his hands balled into fists. "All right, you little brat," he growled. "You asked for it. Daddy's gonna teach you some respect right now!"
Harley beamed as she was dragged off by her hair again. "And that's how you do reverse psychology, folks!" she whispered, giving them a thumbs up.
Ivy sighed, struggling to her feet. "I'm heading to lunch before she starts screaming," she muttered.
As she hobbled down the hall toward the cafeteria, she passed the visiting room. Glancing through the glass door, she saw Two-Face talking to Grace, who was being escorted by a police officer. This didn't improve Ivy's mood at all, and she entered the cafeteria ready to murder a steak, along with most of the staff.
"Well, you take care of yourself, Grace," said Two-Face at last, standing up and embracing her.
"You too, Harvey," she murmured. She kissed his cheek on the bad side of his face and whispered, "Goodbye."
Two-Face watched her until the police officer escorted her out, and then made his way into the Rec Room. Ivy wasn't back from the cafeteria, but the Joker was there, hunting under the sofa.
"Lose something, J?" asked Two-Face.
"Yeah, yeah, whoopie cushion," he said. "Thought I left it in here the last time I tried to make Pammie jealous."
"Can't you just stop trying to rile people?" Two-Face asked. "It's never ended well."
"It's always ended well for me!" giggled Joker. "Maybe you and Pammie should stop being so easily riled! Anyway, it worked out well for you both! Pammie got to declare her true feelings for you, and you got to shoot Pammie!"
"And that time you riled me into trying to kill Grace?" asked Two-Face.
Joker shrugged. "All I was doing was saving her years of pointless waiting for a guy who was never gonna change. It was a service, as well as a great joke."
"Yeah…maybe you're right about that," muttered Two-Face. "I…let her go. It's better for both of us in the long run. It's definitely better for her – she's started seeing the officer who was handling my parole violation. Police officers are nice guys, right?"
"They've never been nice to me," replied Joker. "But then I am a homicidal lunatic who's murdered about two-thirds of their force."
"That's the kinda guy Grace should be with, anyway," Two-Face continued. "Nice girls shouldn't be with bad guys. They can't change 'em."
"Harley seems to think she can," said Crane, loudly.
"She ain't a nice girl," giggled Joker, sticking his hand down the side of the cushion and retrieving a whoopie cushion. "She's a naughty, dirty, bad girl. And she don't wanna change me, because I'm a naughty, dirty, bad man, and that's why we're suited. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go rev up my Harley."
"Where's Pammie?" asked Two-Face, as Joker left.
"Still in the cafeteria, I believe," replied Crane.
"Guess I'll go see her there," he said, heading for the door.
"Please try not to make her have another gardening explosion," spoke up Tetch. "Unless the foliage includes talking flowers, as in Through the Looking Glass, and What Alice Found There…"
"I'll do my best," interrupted Two-Face. On his way down the hall, he saw Ivy hobbling back in his direction. She looked up, glared at him, and made to continue on.
"Uh…can we talk?" he asked, catching her arm.
"Sure you don't just wanna shoot me again?" she snapped.
"No, I didn't ever want to do that," he retorted. "But you were being irrational, and you were gonna hurt Grace for no reason."
"Oh, Grace, Grace, Grace!" she snapped. "I'm sick of hearing her name! Why don't you just bust outta here and marry Grace?!"
"Because I don't love her, Pam," he said. "I love you. I want to be with you."
"Maybe you should have thought of that before you shot me!" she snapped. "Because I'm not just gonna forgive you for that! I'm not Harley! Guys can't treat me like crap and expect me to crawl back to them! I'm a strong, independent woman, and I don't need…"
He seized her and kissed her, slamming her against the wall. Ivy began striking him in the side of the head, with gradually less and less force, eventually wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him tightly against her.
"If you want me to forgive this gunshot wound, you gotta make it up to me," she gasped, drawing away at last.
"Any ideas how you want me to do that?" he murmured, grinning.
"Oh, quite a few," she whispered, smiling at him. "Should we flip for them?" she said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his coin.
He smiled. "You love me despite my defects, huh?"
"You love me despite mine – it only seems fair," she murmured, pulling him into her cell. "And you know me, Harvey. I'm a fair, balanced, even-tempered kinda gal."
"Mmm, don't ever change, Pammie," he whispered, grinning. "Wouldn't want to be involved with a psychotic woman. I'd have to be crazy."
The End