Blair can't hold back the tears. They start to spill down her cheeks before she can escape from the ballroom and she hopes that no one sees the high and mighty Ms. Waldorf fleeing the Van Der Woodsen/Archibald wedding event of the year crying her eyes out. She frantically wipes at them and manages to push out the heavy door into the hallway then heads toward the hotel lobby.
She's entirely undone, and all it took was one dance, less than ten minutes in Dan's arms. Blair had no idea she'd been standing so near the edge of the precipice, no idea it would just take a small push to send her falling with no sight of the bottom.
This is worse than before.
Fifteen years ago she had Chuck and what she thought was love and some hope for the future, and it had made it easier to walk away from Dan, although she'd spent plenty of nights crying her heart out for him back then as well. Now she's ending up with nothing, going back to her life alone, and despite telling herself that it's enough, that she has more than she needs, Blair feels empty.
A hotel employee materializes next to Blair who is now standing on the sidewalk outside the hotel looking dazed, mascara streaked down her cheeks, and it occurs to her that she has drifted way past any kind of dignified moment. He is holding a box of tissues in his white gloved hand and Blair grabs one and blows her nose in a significantly undignified way then glares at him, thinking that she's going to give him a big tip, and manages to blubber at him to call the Waldorf town car around.
She is thankful for the kindness of strangers.
She sees the car coming down the street, and soon she will be in the back seat, finally able to let out all of her anguish, then she'll be back at the penthouse and Dorota will make her a cup of tea, and Blair can crawl into bed and pray for a dreamless sleep to take her away from everything. Maybe things will look better in the morning and she'll know she made the right decision to walk away,she'll wake to the certainty that she lacks at the moment.
She feels the wind gust past her it threatens to rip away the strands of control that are barely holding her together, and Blair feels herself start to shake a little. There are raindrops starting to fall on her face and her hair but she doesn't notice them as she stands there trying to keep herself from falling apart. When the last strand breaks there will be nothing left but pieces. Only a few more seconds and she'll be out of the public's eye and safe to let everything go, safe to let the strands finally snap away, safe to let the pieces fall.
The car stops in front of her and Blair reaches for the door handle, not waiting for the driver to jump out and open it, and she's about get in when she hears him yelling her name.
"Blair!"
She stops, her hand suspended in midair and Blair can't move, can't look up, can't turn her head in the direction of his voice. She stares at the car door and then he's next to her, breathing hard and he's been running.
Running after her.
She squeezes her eyes shut and the tears are back and she thinks she should tell him to leave her alone, or just get into the car without saying a word, but she is stuck. Stuck between her past and her future and she has no idea which way to go. Turn to Dan, turn away. Two clear choices but nothing feels clear right now.
"You're walking away again." Dan gasps. He is close to her, so close, and she can hear him panting as he struggles to catch his breath. She wonders how long he had sat at the table, if he'd watched her make her way out of the room, how long until he'd decided to come after her. And why. Why didn't he just let her go and make this easy?
She still can't look at him.
He is grabbing her hands now and turning her towards him, and Blair doesn't want to look at him, to see his face mirroring her own anguish, but she does. She lifts her eyes, wet with tears, waiting for the anger. She deserves it because she walked away before and she's walking away again. She braces herself, waits for his righteous outrage. Instead she is met with surprising softness, and empathy, and her heart clenches because Dan has managed to surprise her at every turn this evening.
You destroy me.
"I have never stopped loving you," Dan says quietly and Blair flinches at his words, hates how they incriminate her. He was never the one who lost faith. It was her. She walked away. She stopped loving him. "All this time, all these years, it's been you. It's not like there haven't been others. It's not like I haven't tried, but seeing you tonight, well, I can't let it end the same way. Not this time."
"Dan, please, don't." Blair's voice sounds raw. She sniffs a little and watches his face as he absorbs her words, and she knows he understands what she's asking. Don't do this again. Don't open her up in a way that's going to leave her hurting. Let this be just one moment, something to buoy them through the years, a good memory. Let her go.
"It doesn't have to be this way," Dan whispers. "It doesn't have to be like it was before."
Blair's eyes widen in surprise. How does he know what is in her heart? How, after all these years, can Dan Humphrey walk back into her life randomly and be able to read her soul like this? The fear bubbles up again and chokes her, and Blair's mouth opens then closes. She has love and she has lost, and she's not sure she can do it again. She is afraid of being consumed, of losing herself, of losing him again. She is afraid of everything.
"It can just be right now," he says. Dan is closer now and Blair feels unsettled, restless, and she wants to step away, find a way to relieve the tension that is tightening her insides, threatening to engulf her.
"No tomorrow. No forever. Just you and me, here and now. No more and no less."
He knows they can't go back. They're not the same people they were fifteen years ago, and Blair can't survive going back to what they were. She needs to leave the old Dan and Blair in the past, the desperation, the all-consuming feelings. She needs them to be over. The only way she could see to do that was to walk away. Until now.
As he looks at her Blair begins to realize that Dan has known all along. He has known they can't just pick up where they left off. But he's still here and maybe they can become something new.
He is even closer to her now, and she remembers dancing with him, the way he felt against her, and Blair's mouth is dry and she's looking up at him, watching him search her face for some sort of signal, for affirmation, for an answer.
"Okay." Blair whispers, feeling Dan's hands squeeze hers tighter as he absorbs what she's said.
"Blair." her name is guttural, ripped from somewhere deep inside, and she realizes that the same desperation she feels lurks underneath his surface as well. Then his mouth is on hers and every part of her body is on fire as their lips touch, and she realizes that this is what's she's wanted from the moment she saw him walk down the aisle.
It's like coming home.
She is ripped apart at his touch, aching for him, pressing her body into his, wanting to feel him across every inch of her, and Blair deepens the kiss, not caring that they are standing on the curb in the rain, in front of the entire world. The days of Gossip Girl and her blasts are far behind them, and although her site is still up and running, it's not about Queen B and Lonely Boy anymore. There is no scandal here, just a reunion of two people who have been lost for too long. It is finally just Dan and Blair, what it should have been from the beginning.
"Come home with me," Blair murmurs breathlessly when they finally break apart, and she wants him to say 'yes' and sweep her into his arms. She wants to unbutton and unzip him, to feel his skin under her fingertips, to rediscover all of his plains and valleys. She wants him to make her come.
Dan leans forward, his forehead touching hers, and it's sweet, reminding her of the way they were so long ago, and Blair realizes there are some things about the movements of love that never will change.
"No," he whispers, but despite his words his voice is rough with lust, and it makes Blair burn even hotter, and she almost whimpers because she wants him so much. "Not like this."
Not like two hormonally crazed teenagers fucking, like the grown ups they are, and Blair understands what Dan is saying, although she wants to crush her mouth to his in an act of protest, to weaken his resolve, until he is so crazy with desire that he will do anything she wants. She wants to enslave him.
"Please," she begs, wanting him to say something else, wanting him to capitulate. Dan looks into her eyes and she sees resolve behind the darkness of desire.
"I want to do this right, Blair," he says. "And as much as I want to fuck you right now, I want to do this right even more."
Blair blinks. As much as she doesn't want to admit it, Dan's words make sense. Her mouth is dry and her heart is pounding, but she manages to push all of that to the back of her mind, because she understands. They have a second chance. This needs to be done properly, to be given the respect they never gave it in the first place. Because there is a good chance that it's forever.
"So, how do we do it right, Humphrey?"
Dan smiles and pulls back a little. Blair feels the rain falling on her hot skin, feels the distance between them, and she shivers and wants him back against her.
"A date," he says, still grinning. All of the sudden the mood is lighter, even playful, yet another shift in their dynamics that leaves Blair feeling a little bewildered.
"A date?" she repeats, not quite comprehending what Dan is suggesting.
"You know. Dinner. Movie. Talking."
A date. Holding hands. A peck on the cheek at the end of the night.
"And sex?" Blair asks, cocking an eyebrow, and they slowly transition back into the comfortable territory of bantering, and he looks amused.
"I don't put out on the first date, Waldorf," Dan quips, "I'm not that easy."
From what she's just experience, Blair thinks it won't be hard to make a liar out of Dan. She thinks about what he's proposing.
"An nothing more?" Blair counters. "Just one date."
"I said one day at a time, didn't I?" Dan answers. "Let's start with tomorrow and a date."
Blair feels a strange sense of hope building in her core. It sounds reasonable. One date. She nods her head, agreeing to his terms.
"Okay. One date."
Dan is still looking at her and then he smiles happily, leans forward and kisses her on her cheek. It's perfunctory but that kiss means more than anything. It means he'll see her tomorrow. Then Dan steps back and pulls the door of the town car open, and Blair ducks inside. The door shuts behind her and she rolls down the window and says to Dan, who is still standing on the curb,
"See you tomorrow Humphrey."
"Looking forward to it, Waldorf."
The car pulls away from the curb and Blair watches Dan out the window, not taking her eyes off him until the driver turns a corner and she can't see him anymore. She shuts the window and stares forward, a bemused look on her face. Was it mere hours ago that she thought everything was lost? And now she would see Dan tomorrow. And possibly the next day. Blair smiles to herself and chuckles.
A date.
TBC