A/N: Thank you! :)
Real Fears
Gibbs absent-mindedly noted the reluctant applause from the audience on TV when Tony made his exit. It had grown stronger by the time Tony actually was leaving the studio and Gibbs couldn't help but realize that while it had probably come as a surprise not every person there was as outraged about Tony's outing as the host had been. He had barely managed to string together three sentences and then had just said goodbye to Tony who had looked a weird mixture of being surprised at his own courage and being anxious about the reactions.
"Did you know about this, Gibbs?" Kate asked now and it was only then that Gibbs was able to look away from Abby's piercing look.
She hadn't said anything yet, hadn't even raised a suggestive eyebrow. She had just looked at him, pensive and then – knowing. As if she had just realized the monumental thing that Gibbs had tried so long to suppress, the monumental thing that had only turned into an actual thing the day before. He felt his insides clench at the thought. He didn't know what Abby would do or say and he trusted her, but she sometimes was too enthusiastic about stuff. He didn't know how he could deal with it if she was to talk to him about it.
He wasn't ready yet. Just like Tony clearly hadn't been ready either. It was uncharted territory and for a split of a second, he hated all of it. Hated that he had met Tony, hated that he had fallen for the guy and hated that he wasn't able to keep the situation in check as it was spiraling out of control.
But as fast as the moment had come as fast it was gone again as he remembered why that was. He might have finally found someone who understood him like Shannon had, someone who was just there for him. Abby be damned.
"Yeah," he finally answered Kate's question, shrugging.
"Wow," Kate breathed out, looking so strangely confused that Gibbs would have laughed if he hadn't been dying to get away from them to get a hold of Tony. "You never know," she continued. "I'd never have thought he'd be gay."
"The good ones usually are," Abby replied, her voice smooth but she was still staring at Gibbs who refused to look back at her. "Aren't they?"
"Guess so," Kate sighed and then finally sat back down again. "I wonder if he had it planned? He looked a bit surprised, didn't he?"
"Yup," Abby replied and then –finally- looked away from Gibbs. "The host was really rude to him. Can't believe he kept asking those questions."
"Don't you people have work to do?" Gibbs cleared his throat loudly, trying to avoid thinking about Abby maybe knowing.
It did the trick, though, because the Goth grudgingly went back to her lab and both McGee and Kate were staring at their respective computer screens again. Gibbs was itching to give Tony a call, but he knew that there was likely no way he'd reach him right now. He didn't even want to imagine just how many people were calling him at this moment. With mild satisfaction, Gibbs realized that a lot of people would still be calling his ex-manager. Let him deal with all the press and not earn money from it. Served him right.
Just when Gibbs was finally about to tear his thoughts away from Tony, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulled it out and then read Tony's message.
I'm so fucked.
For a split of a second Gibbs thought about texting back but then he realized that he really needed to talk to Tony instead. This was far too important not to. So he got up, only briefly hesitating when Kate opened her mouth to ask:
"Where are you going?"
He just gave her a look and she shut up again, knowing that it was better that way. Mildly satisfied, he stalked towards the elevator, got in and then pressed the stop button before he dialed Tony's number. It took a couple of rings until Tony picked up, sounding oddly defeated.
"You're not fucked," Gibbs said in lieu of a greeting.
"Not so sure about that," Tony replied sighing loudly. "I take you saw it?"
"Abby insisted we should watch. Didn't think we'd watch that though."
"Yeah, me neither. Got no idea how he managed to do that. I swear I liked the guy. Goddamnit."
"It's alright. Forget about him. You'll be alright. Anything I can do?"
"Have you closed your case already?"
"As good as. Suicide."
"Okay," Tony sighed again. "I'll have someone to drive me to DC in a couple of minutes. Can I come to your place?"
"Sure thing. Door's unlocked."
"Thanks." With that, Tony hung up, leaving Gibbs standing there staring at the metal walls of the elevators for a couple of moments.
He felt like Tony had just transferred some of his desperation onto his shoulders and Gibbs didn't know what to do with it. He had no experience with dealing with any of it and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to help. But Tony wanted to be with him, wanted to be at his place, so maybe he could help by just being there.
#
"I feel jetlagged."
"I think we kind of are. Been up all night yesterday and today."
"Yeah," Tony sighed and then sagged into the couch. "God, I can't believe I just outed myself."
"You think it's really going to be that bad?"
"I'll ask you a question," Tony said, looking at him with haunted eyes. "And please answer it truthfully. How much have you hated yourself for liking me even one bit?"
"I didn't."
"Yeah, I think you did," Tony carried on, almost whispering now. "I'm not saying that you actually thought so, but it took you a while to come around. I mean, we've known each other for four months and it was only yesterday that you told me you liked me. I'm not blaming you. I can only imagine how hard it must be when you're older and divorced a couple of times to realize that you might not be as straight as you thought you were. But that's not what is important… what I mean is… Just the fact that you had to think so hard about it shows how most people's mindset about being gay still is. Now you're open-minded and tolerant and all, but just think about all these people who aren't. Can you imagine what I'll get to hear the next couple of months, maybe even years?"
"I'm sure most of them won't care, Tony."
"I'm sure they won't. But the loudest of the others will make my life hell. And I don't think I'm ready for that just yet."
"Well, fuck them," Gibbs burst out and he didn't even know where that came from but then Tony let out a bark of a laugh and some of the tension was leaving his shoulders, so Gibbs knew that it had been the right thing to say after all. "If they don't like you the way you are, they can go fuck themselves," Gibbs continued, giving him a tentative smile. "I know it won't be easy, but you've got people on your side, you know."
"I know. What did the others say? You said Abby watched it?"
"We all did," Gibbs affirmed. "They were okay with it. Just heard something about how the good ones are always gay and that was about it."
"Okay," Tony let out a breath and Gibbs realized that it had apparently taken some pressure from him.
"Tony," Gibbs continued after a little pause. "I know it all seems catastrophic at the moment but maybe it was for the best. You don't have to hide anymore and you don't have to be afraid of being found out anymore. I guess you can't see it right now, but maybe this really is a good thing."
"Yeah," Tony sighed again and for a moment Gibbs thought that he'd try his hardest to make the frown vanish from his face.
"What do you have to do now, publicity-wise I mean?"
"My lawyer's already scouting the parameters. I guess I'll have to go to another talk show to actually talk about it. He's already on the phone with the Ellen DeGeneres show – there I'll get some sympathy at the very least. She has done it before after all. For the rest – I've got no idea."
"The lawyer's nothing like Andy, right?"
"No," Tony let out a bitter laugh. "He's great. He's an old buddy of mine from OSU. He was in my fraternity. I trust him one hundred percent."
"Good," Gibbs gave him a smile. "How can I help?"
"You already did," Tony replied with a smile and then took Gibbs' hand in his. "I just needed someone to talk to. And I already feel better."
"And here you said I don't talk all that much," Gibbs grinned.
"You don't," Tony gave back, relaxing even further. "But you do know when to say the right things. But you're right," he sighed. "I'll just have to wait and see. Nothing I can do about it right now."
"You want to go to bed? Sleep for a couple of hours?"
"I could use some sleep," Tony nodded and was about to get up when he hesitated, giving Gibbs a pensive look.
"I know you wanted to take it slow and all… but do you think you could sleep up there with me? Just sleep?"
He looked so broken for a moment that for a moment Gibbs felt anger at himself bubble up inside of him for even thinking about denying him the favor. Of course he wanted to do it, wanted to keep him company and be there for him and yet there was still something that was holding him back. He hadn't slept with anybody up in the master bedroom since Shannon had died. He'd slept in the guest room with the other wives, but it hadn't been made up in months. Mentally giving himself a head slap, Gibbs got up and took Tony's hand again. He had to get over himself. The guy obviously needed him and he should be glad that he had chosen to come to him and had not just stayed away from him. He should be glad that Tony wanted him there – and he was, all insecurities be damned.
He wanted this.
He guided Tony up the stairs and the watched him strip down to his boxers apparently unaware that Gibbs was watching him. He hadn't seen Tony without his clothes yet and he took his time to appreciate the man in front of him. He was lean and all muscle but not to a point to be too well-defined. He was tan and Gibbs could just make out a long scar on his back before the younger man turned around to face him. When he caught Gibbs staring at him, he grinned.
"Like what you see?" he asked and he sounded almost carefree now.
"Not bad," Gibbs gave back off-handedly and then pulled his polo-shirt over his head.
When he opened his eyes again, Tony was already crawling into bed, yawning widely but still looking at him with obvious interest. Gibbs self-consciously got rid of his slacks and then went around the bed to get in, too. Unintentionally Tony had left him his side of the bed as if he had known that he always slept at the side closest to the window. Suppressing a smile, Gibbs crawled in and then almost tentatively moved closer towards Tony who had his back to him. After a moment of hesitation he brought his arm around Tony and let his hand rest on his stomach. He felt Tony shiver and he grinned.
"That okay?" he asked stupidly when Tony snuggled back into him, keeping his touches strictly above the waistline.
"Yeah," Tony yawned again. "More than. Thanks."
"For what?"
"All of it. I totally blew it tonight and still here you are being nice to me and all."
"You didn't blow anything, Tony," Gibbs said, straightening himself a bit to be able to look at Tony's face. "You'll see."
Tony didn't reply, just reached up and then gave him a chaste kiss which still managed to make Gibbs' stomach clench again – but this time in a good way.
"Night," Tony mumbled and Gibbs was able to see his eyelids drooping. He was obviously exhausted.
"Night," Gibbs replied and then lay down again, snuggling close to Tony.
He took a deep breath and realized that he had never noticed just how good the guy smelled. He'd have to ask him about his aftershave. Subtly shaking his head, Gibbs closed his eyes and wondered when he had ever cared about stuff like that.
Maybe he was changing, too.