A/N: Thanks for your reviews!
Real
It took Gibbs' mind a couple of seconds to process that he wasn't just reliving his memories, but that Tony was actually there. He was wearing jeans and a, what looked to be, very old OSU sweater. He looked a bit thinner than Gibbs had last seen him and he was a bit pale, but it was hard to tell in the dim light of the basement. What Gibbs could see clearly though was the haunted and worried look on the other man's face as he sat down next to him. He was sitting close now, but they weren't touching and a part of Gibbs just wanted to shift ever so slightly to be able to touch him. The more logical part of him refrained though. It wouldn't help.
"What are you doing here?" he finally pressed out when Tony still remained silent.
Tony didn't answer immediately instead seemed to be thinking about the answer for a couple of seconds as if he hadn't expected that kind of question. It struck Gibbs as weird but he gave him time as he nipped from his bourbon.
"Abby called me," Tony finally answered and now Gibbs understood why he had hesitated before. She had probably asked Tony not to tell him.
"How did she have your number?" Gibbs asked the first question that came to his mind even though there were far more important ones waiting to be directed.
"Think she said she pulled your phone records?"
"Goddamn it," Gibbs replied, shaking his head. "She wasn't supposed to do that."
"Don't be mad," Tony tried to appease him. "She just meant well. She's worried."
"She's not worried, she's mad at me. That's all."
"She might be, but I think she's just really uneasy. And frankly, I can't say that she's wrong. You look like hell."
"I'm fine, Tony," Gibbs replied and wanted to get up to get away from him, but Tony held him where he was as he placed a hand on his arm.
"Come on," Tony said, for the first time looking straight into his eyes. "You know that Abby wouldn't have called me if she didn't think there was something wrong."
"There's nothing wrong," Gibbs cried out, throwing up his hands and nearly spilling his drink.
"Gibbs," Tony went on whispering. "Don't lie to me. I don't deserve that."
Gibbs let out a sigh and let his head fall back against the frame of the boat as he closed his eyes. He knew that Tony didn't deserve to be lied to, but he was so tired of being talked to, so tired of having to justify himself. He was a grown man, he was able to look after himself. He just didn't get why Abby had felt the need to call Tony – and even worse, he didn't get why Tony had decided to come. He had been a bastard to him, so why would he come here at Abby's guidance? Tony didn't even know her.
"Look, Tony," he finally started, his eyes still closed. "I'm fine, really. I mean, I've been better but it's going to pass."
"Gibbs…" Tony started but the older man just shook his head.
"I just don't get what Abby expected when she called you to come over. Did she think that everything would just magically get better when you're here?"
"No," Tony shook his head before he ran a rather shaky hand through his hair, disheveling it big time. "She said that no one was getting through to you anymore and she thought I would. Now that I'm here though, I'm not sure I can."
"Why's that?"
"I hadn't taken you for an alcoholic and there's nothing in this world I despise more. My mom couldn't function in the mornings without a pina colada first and my dad would drown his grief over her death in whiskey and his mistresses. I never got through to them either. And I hate to see you like that because I thought you were different."
"I'm not an alcoholic, Tony."
"Yeah, maybe not yet," the younger man replied bitterly and for a moment he looked so lost that Gibbs was sure that he'd never wanted to meet his father who had done this to him. "But you're on a good way."
"What is it to you anyway? It's not like we're friends or anything."
"And whose fault is that?" Tony asked so quietly that Gibbs couldn't help but look at him again.
"Mine," he replied without hesitation. "I know that. But honestly, Tony, would you still like to be my friend?"
Tony tilted his head ever so slightly and Gibbs was just able to see a slight flicker in the other man's eyes.
"No," he finally replied haltingly. "It would never be enough."
"What do you mean?" Gibbs checked back as he tried to keep the knot in his stomach from forming because Tony not even wanting to be his friend hurt more than he cared to admit.
"I don't want to be your friend. Not when I've seen how it could be even if it was only for a couple of days."
"Tony…" Gibbs wanted to reply but wasn't quite sure what he actually wanted to say.
Tony didn't seem like he needed an answer anyway. He just sadly shook his head and then ran a hand through his hair again. Only now did Gibbs notice the rings under his eyes. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. With a sinking feeling in his stomach he realized that he had been so focused on being defensive that he hadn't even really looked at the other man.
"Hey," he said softly causing Tony to look him in the eyes again. "Are you doing alright?"
"Not really," he shook his head. "The last couple of weeks have been stressful. With outing myself, giving interviews, trying to go through one senseless script after script and losing you, it hasn't exactly been easy."
"I'm sorry Abby dragged you here like this when you've got so much on your plate already."
"No, it's alright. I want to be here."
"Why?" Gibbs asked incredulously. "What could be so important that you just fly here?"
"You are," Tony simply answered, casting down his eyes. "And believe it or not, I still care about you. And when Abby called she was really upset, I could tell. So here I am," he shrugged rather helplessly.
"You shouldn't have come," Gibbs replied and hurried on as he saw hurt flash in Tony's eyes. "I mean, it's good to see you but there's nothing you can possibly do. I'm the bastard, remember? What has changed since the last time we saw each other?"
"Nothing," Tony replied grudgingly. "I see you're still shit at talking."
"Always was," Gibbs chuckled despite himself and was about to take a sip from the bourbon again but Tony placed a hand on his arm.
"Don't," he said. "Just don't."
Gibbs wanted to rebuke but then saw the brightness in Tony's eyes and he set the glass on the ground again. He didn't even know why exactly but something in Tony's expression made him stop.
"Why are you really here?" he finally said as he realized that Abby's worry couldn't be the only reason.
"Honestly?" Tony replied and let out a sigh. "I've tried to find a reason for weeks but I couldn't think of anything. I just missed you but I also knew that nothing has changed, so I couldn't just come here. But when Abby called… I just couldn't help but get on that plane. I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Gibbs chided. "It's damn good to see you."
"Maybe I shouldn't have, though," Tony said after a while of poignant silence. "I mean I can see that I can do no good here. I've just made it harder to let go."
"Yeah."
They remained silent once more. Gibbs had fixed his glance at the far wall, trying to understand what Tony had just told him. He still missed him, he still cared about him. He had also said that being friends wasn't enough for him. And Gibbs understood all of that, he was feeling the same after all. It really didn't need much for them to overcome their issues. But it was an issue that Gibbs couldn't get over. He just couldn't.
"Listen," Tony finally said. "I didn't mean to put you on the spot. I know there's this thing you won't tell me about and I'm not blaming you. Not anymore. I mean I tried to hate you for doing this to me for weeks but now that I've seen you again I know that you'd tell me if you only could. It's got to be something really bad and I get it. Sometimes it's just not that easy. I'm sorry it's hard for you but I'm not sorry I came here. I just wished you'd take better care of yourself so that I wouldn't need to worry."
Gibbs was just about to answer even if he wasn't entirely sure what he should even say when he saw the anguish in Tony's eyes, so he just nodded once.
For a second he wondered why the guy cared that much about him but then he realized that if the roles had been reversed, he'd feel the very same way. He felt the knot in his stomach tighten and his eyes were suddenly burning. He didn't want to lose Tony. Not like this. He had barely functioned these last couple of weeks - he had long given up on pretending he had – and he hadn't felt like that since his girls had died.
In a moment of pure clarity, and for a second Gibbs even forgot how to breathe, he realized that while he couldn't get Shannon and Kelly back, he could still – maybe – get Tony back. All he needed to do was to talk about her. He felt his insides clench at the mere thought but then he looked into Tony's eyes again and he felt them unclench again. He knew Tony would keep his secret, would never say anything about her even if it wouldn't work out between them.
"Hey," he finally said as he stood up, his knees shaking ever so slightly and he realized that the alcohol had nothing to do with it. "Come with me."
He offered Tony his hand and he took it. He had a curious expression on his face and his eyes were suddenly bright with what seemed to be hope. Gibbs had never seen anyone look at him like that, that openly, that trusting. It was like Tony just suddenly knew.
Gibbs grabbed the spade that was leaning against the wall in his basement and then went up the stairs and into his garden with Tony following close behind. He hoped that he would still find the place. He feebly remembered Kelly and her friend Maddie bury their time capsule in the front yard, but he didn't know exactly where they had kept it.
His and Kelly's time capsule had been buried someplace else though. Kelly had just turned eight when they had made it. Kelly had insisted to dig a hole close to the tree that Gibbs and Shannon had planted when their girl had been born. For a split of a second, Gibbs felt pain flash through his body again but one look at Tony and it was gone again. The lights from the street lamps offered just enough light to see.
Tony still hadn't said a word when Gibbs' spade happened across something metallic. Knowing that it was what he had searched for, he squatted down and then, after some probing, retrieved the small metal box. He softly smiled when he saw the pink ponies that were painted on it and not with some regret he realized that looking at it didn't hurt as much as he had thought. Without a word he handed the box to Tony who took it with a shaky hand. He didn't open it immediately instead just looked at Gibbs who shivered at the question in Tony's eyes. It was cold out and he could see Tony's breath in the air, could feel himself starting to get cold and yet he didn't move, just silently asked Tony to open the box.
"Is this what you're so afraid of?" Tony finally whispered, slightly tilting his head.
"Yeah."
Tony just nodded and then finally casted down his eyes and carefully opened the box in his hands. Gibbs was only just able to see a toy pony very much alike the ones painted on the box. He had given it to her on her fifth or sixth birthday. Tony picked it up with a curious expression on his face but didn't comment as he reached for a photograph of Gibbs and Kelly. Shannon had taken it and it showed Kelly on the swing set with Gibbs standing nearby. They were both looking at each other and smiling broadly. Gibbs remembered the day vividly. He had just gotten home from deployment and he had just had so much fun being at home and with his girls that he was sure that nothing could ever tarnish his happiness.
He averted his glance to look at Tony instead and felt his stomach give a jolt as he realized that the younger man was crying. A lone tear was running down his cheek as he looked up from the photo and into Gibbs' face. He opened his mouth and closed it again before he subtly shook his head and carefully placed the picture back into the box. He reached out his hand and Gibbs took it, squeezing it softly.
"What was her name?" Tony finally asked and he sounded so broken now that Gibbs wanted to hug him.
"Kelly."
"I'm sorry," Tony said as he moved closer and gave him a rather awkward one-armed hug mindful of the box still in his other hand. "I'm so sorry."
Gibbs just nodded into the embrace, letting his chin rest on Tony's shoulder for a moment. It felt good being held by Tony again and he gulped audibly as something tight in his stomach resolved itself.
"Did she die with Shannon?" Tony finally probed.
"Yeah."
"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" Tony whispered.
"I couldn't," Gibbs replied, his hold on Tony tightening. "Every time I just think of her, I…," he trailed off, feeling tears well up inside of him.
"It's okay. It's okay. I get it."
"I'm sorry," Gibbs finally breathed out as he let go of the other man. "It's just… I could never get over her. Not that I want to, but she's still such a big part of my life and I'm not sure how I could let you in. The other wives… they pretended to understand but they never did."
"Jethro," Tony interrupted him and the use of his first name made Gibbs look at him again. "I get it. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and I would never make you choose. She's in there," he placed a hand on Gibbs' heart and when Gibbs looked down he realized that it had started to snow. "And I won't ask you to let go of her."
"What are you saying?" Gibbs asked, his voice cracking and for a split of a second he hoped that all of this wasn't just an alcohol-induced dream because it somehow felt so unreal.
"I'm here if you want me. Flaws and all. I'm here, Jethro," Tony leaned in, pressing his forehead to Gibbs'. "All you have to do is reach out – and maybe there's a small part of your heart left for me."