Chaper 30:

Lexa stood up and walked slowly to her balcony. "We met when I first arrived in Polis, she was a couple years older than me, and her father was an ambassador for their clan. Their family lived in the city and we became very close. I was twelve…"

She heard Clarke adjust herself on the bed so she could better hear Lexa she followed her to the balcony. The two of them stared out over the city, Clarke remained quiet respecting Lexa and allowing her to travel back in her thoughts. Lexa smiled sadly as she thought about Costia before continuing. "She was taller than me. Stronger than me. A better fight than me. She had red hair and a true zest for life. She taught me how to hunt, how to braid my hair, how to dance, how to kiss…" Lexa swallowed at the memories, her voice thickening with sadness before she continued.

"We spent every chance we had together up until my conclave came I was forced to leave Polis. In the time I was away I became commander and that's when everything changed. I was so busy trying to quell the squabbles and bad blood between the clans and unite them that I had dropped my guard. Word had spread of…my weakness throughout the Clans between those who wanted me off the throne. In the confusion Costia was taken from me out of Polis to the Ice Nation. I searched everywhere for her, I sent every available man to find her. She was held as a 'royal prisoner' in the Ice Nation for a year before I learned of her fate..."

Clarke must have heard the sadness in her voice as it cracked because Lexa felt her warm hand wrap around her own. She looked down at their interlocked hands before continuing. Clarke gave her strength. "The conclave is a brutal test…it puts the nightbloods against each other. The last one alive was said to carry the spirit of all the previous fallen commanders." Lexa shivered slightly at the memory, sixteen years old and covered in black blood. So much blood she hadn't known how much of it was her own. She swallowed as each face of her friends she killed flashed before her eyes. She saw Clarke wipe at a few tears on her cheeks. Lexa continued with her story.

"Nia resented me for killing the Azgeda nightblood Kilgore, for preventing Azgeda from leading the clans. She tasked her son Roan to seduce Costia, to make her trust him, to make her love him, to make her divulge my secrets. Nia had not expected Roan to fall in love with her himself…when she received no helpful information she forced him to torture and kill her."

Clarke looked at Lexa shocked. Lexa looked at her, "Yes, the same Roan that found you in the forest. Prince Roan was then forced to deliver Costia's remains to me. Nia was hoping I kill him giving her a right to declare war." LExa swallowed the emotions bubbling up trying to continue. After a few moments she did, "I saw the pain and conviction in his voice when he came with the box. I knew his feelings in that moment. I saw that he was a victim just as much as I or Costia. I chose to banish him from the clans for his crimes, I wanted his choices to haunt him for the rest of his life as mine do."

Clarke remained silent taking in the information. Lexa felt Clarke's hand tighten in a reassuring squeeze and Lexa returned it. She was thankful to tell Clarke all this. It helped to get it off her chest. She had spoken to no one about Costia's death up until now. It felt good to share this side of her with Clarke. She wanted the girl to know all of her.

Lexa shook her head, "I never went after her. When I learned of her location, I never took action. I didn't even seek retribution afterwards…"

Clarke turned to face her, "You did it for you people didn't you. Declaring them enemies of the coalition would start a war, seeking vengeance would only lead to the loss of more lives…you couldn't risk it in your position could you."

"No." Lexa shook her head, smiling slightly as she watched Clarke. The blonde was incredibly smart. "I could not seek revenge for one life and risk thousands in the process…"

"How did you do it? I couldn't even walk away from TonDC without killing the sniper…all I could think about was finding him and making him pay."

Lexa looked out over the balcony, "Costia would have asked me not to," she whispered.

Lexa saw Clarke's eyes widen out of the corner of her eye at her response. Clarke said nothing but kept her eyes on Lexa before giving her hand another squeeze and stepping back inside the room leaving Lexa to a few moments alone with her memories.