Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and sadly do not make any money from it, which I find to be infinitely sad, depressing, gloomy, miserable, cheerless, heartbreaking, distressing, heartrending, tragic, dreadful, appalling, and wretched. Ah well, what can you do...

Chapter Five:

The Princess and the Circus

We hold together

We put up with each other We stick together No one will slow us down

~Rammstein~

Eighteen months ago

Jiraiya hurried through the chaotic streets towards the hotel where he and the boys were staying. He couldn't believe his luck. He entered the building and hurried up the steps towards their room. After unlocking and opening the door, he paused for a moment to gaze at the boys sleeping on their futons. Sai looked as though he hadn't moved all night. He was lying on his back with the blanket neatly tucked around him. Sasuke's bed was almost as neat. He looked so innocent, lying there on his side with his palm tucked under his cheek.

Jiraiya looked fondly at his godson last. Naruto…that was another story. He was lying across all three futons with his feet in Sasuke's face and his head on the other half of Sai's pillow. The Sannin swallowed a chuckle as he recalled what his purpose was.

"Wake up!" he boomed out, "All of you, wake up now. Come on, I need your help."

All three were instantly awake, but made no move except to open their eyes. "Why?" muttered Sasuke, burying his head under the covers. "You said that we were staying here for several days."

"Yeah," agreed Naruto with a huge yawn. He looked at the clock and gasped, "And it's two in the morning, Pervy Sage. What's the big deal? Why are you waking us up now?"

"I found her! You boys need to help me complete this mission."

"Found who?" murmured Sai sleepily.

"What, the lady that the Hokage asked you to find?" asked Naruto.

"Yes," said Jiraiya impatiently, "that lady; she's here in this town right now. I caught site of her in a casino down the street."

"So what are we supposed to do about it anyways? We're all just a bunch of kids," asked Sai while rubbing his eyes and sitting up. "Nobody listens to us and besides, I would rather sleep." With that said, he promptly lay back down, closed his eyes once again and fell back to sleep.

"Me too," added Sasuke.

Jiraiya looked at them in consternation before leaning down, grabbing Naruto's hand, and hauling him upright. "You'll do," he said while dragging him out the door.

"But I'm not dressed for going outside," whined the blonde chibi.

Jiraiya joked, "It just makes you look cute and innocent."

"Hey," shouted the offended boy, "I'm not cute and innocent. I'm a ninja!"

"Yeah, yeah…just hurry up." The Sannin hurried the boy out of the hotel and into the street. Naruto was surprised to discover that, as hot as it was during the day, the night had turned downright freezing. He pulled his button up pajamas closer to his body and huddled closer to his godfather in effort to stay warm. He occupied himself by watching his breath come out in puffs. They turned down another street. It was lined with sleazy bars, stripper joints, gambling dens and others places that were a mystery to him.

He gaped at the bright neon signs and flashing lights that advertised peep shows and massage parlors. There were men standing around wearing brightly colored outfits. It suddenly occurred to Naruto where they were.

"The circus! Are you taking me to the circus? When I was at the academy, Sakura told everyone that her parents took her to one. She said there was an animal as big as a house called an Elephant. I want to see one too, Raya." He excitedly tugged on the Sannin. "Please Raya? Please, please, please," he begged. "Look, there's even a clown," he said pointing to a woman wearing a lot of make-up and very little in the way of clothes.

"This isn't a… That isn't a…" he sputtered and then amended, "I mean, uh…you know what, maybe later."

The meaning of some of the billboard come-ons at the worst bars baffled him. He asked, "What do they mean when the sign says, 'Get a peek at the pink'? Are there girls in there with pink hair like Sakura? Can we go look at that?"

"Um, yeah. Never mind that for now. Just close your eyes; don't look at anything," replied the suddenly nervous man as he realized where he was taking the boy. He gripped the boy's hand with a firmer grip and said, "Stay with me, whatever you do."

Jiraiya groaned to himself; Kakashi was going to kill him.

Naruto's eyes bounced everywhere in fascination. "Hey, look at that! Let's go there. What's a full frontal?"

"Uh…umm…don't ask kid. And no, we are definitely not going in there. Please, please, please Naruto, just close your eyes gaki."

They passed a brightly lit place with flashing orange and blue bulbs and rippling bands of red and pink neon, where the sign promised LIVE SEX SHOW.

Really grossed out, Naruto cautiously asked, "Are there other shows where they have sex with the dead?" He thought to himself that maybe he wouldn't mind staying cute and innocent after all.

Jiraiya laughed so hard, he almost ran into a gawking bystander. "No, no, no. Even this place wouldn't go that far. Now please; for the love of Kami, close your eyes. We're almost there."

Naruto didn't listen… couldn't listen, there was just too many fascinating things to see. He stared at the half naked women lounging against the building and the scary looking men guarding the entrances, and wondered at what they were doing. A young man stepped in front of Jiraiya, pointed at the boy and asked, "Where'd you get that one?" He put his hand on Naruto's face and caressed his cheek. "I want him when you're done."

Jiraiya hissed in disgust at the man's perversion. He yanked Naruto behind him, cocked back his arm and punched him in the face. They man flew back, his body making a sickening crunch when he made contact with the building behind him.

"Hey, that was really neat," said Naruto as the man twitched. "Can you show me how to punch that hard?"

The Sannin rolled his eyes, casually stepped over the body and continued on without a backwards glance, still dragging the wide-eyed boy. "Some other time, gaki."

"But what about that man…?"

"Don't ask," Jiraiya muttered grimly.

The pulsating music from an open door caught Naruto's attention and he turned his head to look. A naked woman was dancing against a pole. He tugged his godfather's hand and asked, "Why do they do that?"

"Who?"

"Those women who do that," he said pointing at the girl.

"They got a farm in Iwagakure," Jiraiya said.

Naruto gaped at him.

He laughed at the chibi and said, "I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget just how young you are." He squeezed the boy's hand. "There are some things you don't need to know about yet, but I can tell you about other things."

He blinked. "Then there isn't a farm in Iwagakure?"

"No, or at least I don't think so!" he joked, "No, but seriously; some of them are slaves, some are just poor women who do it to make money, and some do it because they want to."

"But why do they do it? Is it like my sexy jutsu and make men act funny?"

"Yup, that about sums it up nicely."

At last they stopped in front of a large casino. Jiraiya handed the man in front some money and began to pull Naruto inside.

He widened his eyes when he saw where he was going and protested, "I'm not allowed in there. My dad says I'm not supposed to gamble or drink. He'll totally kill me if he ever finds out I went into a place like this."

"Believe me kid, we won't tell him…ever. Also, you are not going to be gambling or drinking. We need to talk to someone. Now keep your mouth shut until I tell you too."

~~O~~

Jiraiya looked around until he found what he was searching for. He led Naruto over. "Tsunade, fancy meeting you here. You're looking as beautiful as ever." Jiraiya slid into a booth where a young, busty blonde haired woman sat drinking sake. He indicated for the boy to sit across from them. Naruto rubbed his eyes and yawned wide then did as he was told.

She seemed a little wary at seeing the Toad Sage, but responded, "Jiraiya, I haven't seen you in a long time. What have you been up too, you old goat?"

"Oh, just passing through…"

She glanced at the boy with a question in her face. Naruto tiredly laid his face on the palm of his hand and closed his eyes. She finally said, "I never would have thought this was your thing…pervert."

"It's not like that at all, Tsunade. Look closely at him; look at his face. I know you know it. This is my student, Naruto Uzumaki."

"Uzumaki?" she peered at him in wonder and mouthed, "Kushina."

"Yes," he said, bowing his head sadly. "Kakashi has been taking care of him. He's not had an easy life." Jiraiya's face turned serious. "Listen Tsunade, I've come to ask you to come back to Konohagakure. Sensei is getting old and tired. He wants you to take the hat."

"Are you crazy?" she shouted, waking Naruto. "I swore there was no way in hell I would ever come back. Who wants to be Hokage? That's a thankless, horrible position for a thankless, horrible village. Only an idiot would do it."

"Being Hokage is the greatest honor and if you can't see it then you don't deserve it," growled Naruto, "Don't you dare insult the old man or my village. Why would you want her, Pervy Sage?"

"What do you know about it, you little brat?" she yelled back.

Naruto slammed his hand down and growled, "I know that I'm going to be Hokage someday lady! I'm going to a powerful, respected leader of the village."

The unbidden images of her dead little brother and ex-fiancé flashed through her mind causing pain. "That's nothing but a stupid pipe dream kid. Grow up and face the facts."

The furious, insulted boy swiped his hand across the table, sending her sake crashing to the floor. "A dream is not stupid! What's stupid is spending your life gambling and drinking. You're the one being stupid, granny!"

"He doesn't mean any harm, Tsunade. He's just a kid. His father would never forgive me if I let you kill him," said Jiraiya hastily as he saw the look in her eye.

"My sake," she growled. "You're dead meat!"

In irritation, she flicked Naruto with her finger, sending him sailing across the room and into the bar. Bottle crashed down, pouring their contents all over the boy. He stood up and furiously marched back to her. "You wanna fight? I can take you!"

"Bartender, bring me another bottle of sake!" she yelled and she slammed her hand on the table. A loud ominous crack reverberated in the now silent room. With a loud crash, the table split in two.

The owner of the establishment hurried over. "You owe me for damages. Pay up and then all of you get out!"

Jiraiya pulled out his wallet and threw money at the man's feet. He grabbed Naruto with one hand and Tsunade with the other. "Come on," he muttered, "Lets finish this somewhere else."

"I'm not going anywhere with you!" she yelled and yanked her hand out of Jiraiya's.

"I'm thinking this says you will," commented the Sannin as he pulled a sheaf of notes from his pocket. He handed them to her. "I've paid all of your debts in those villages," he said nodding at the paper. "All I ask is that you give me the opportunity to change your mind. You travel with us for one year and if you still don't want to go home, then so be it. I know that you would not like owing me."

"What makes you so sure that I will change my mind? I could leave right now."

"I don't, but Hiruzen believes that a part of you wants to return home. He misses you." He looked deeply into her eyes and added softly, "I miss you."

Knowing that she had no other choice, Tsunade reluctantly said, "Fine, I'll tell Shizune. She can go back to Konoha for the year while I am with you."

Naruto kept silent during the exchange. "This isn't over," he thought.

~~O~~

Naruto woke with the feeling of being watched. He cracked one eye open. Sai and Sasuke were looking at him in extreme disapproval.

"We know you're finally awake dobe, get up."

He flashed them a grin then asked, "What's got your panties in a twist, teme?"

Sasuke's eye twitched. "You went drinking with Jiraiya last night didn't you? Don't lie, I can smell you. You smell like you showered in alcohol last night."

Naruto sat up and rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. "That's because I was!" He ducked the punch Sasuke sent him and leaped on the Uchiha, wrestling him to the floor. "I didn't break our promise not to drink like the pervy sage, I swear. A bunch of alcohol fell on me."

Sasuke stopped struggling. "You better be telling the truth or I'll kick you ass baka."

Naruto let him up and then asked, "What time is it anyway?"

Sai answered, "Half past nine."

"What! Why didn't you guys wake me earlier? I have got so much to tell you! Do you guys want to go to the circus…?"

~~O~~

It took a half an hour of searching, but he finally led them to the area he had been to last night. It looked very different. The degeneracy was shocking to Naruto, who had begun to think of himself as experienced and mature since his travels began with the Sannin. In the bright light of day, what was once flashy and fascinating was now dirty, run-down, and frankly a little scary. "Umm, guys…I think I might have been wrong. I don't think this is the circus. I think we should probably get back to our room. Look, even Sasuke looks tense."

The boy glared at Naruto for suggesting that he might be scared. "I'm not tense, baka. I'm just…alert - very alert." He eyed a brightly dressed man who was walking towards them. The man looked very disreputable despite the harmless smile he sent towards them. Sasuke's suspicions proved correct several minutes later when the man began to speak to Naruto and Sai.

"Not lost are you boys?" he asked them.

"No, my friends and I are perfectly aware of our current location," replied Sai.

"Are you maybe looking for a little extra pocket money then?"

"Money?" asked Naruto, perking up. Jiraiya was always taking their money to 'hold'. "We want money. What do we have to do?"

"Oh, it's easy. You just have to make friends with some people I know."

Sai commented, "Repeated exposure makes you like someone better – and makes that person like you better, too. You're much more likely to become friends with someone if you see him or her often."

"Oh yes. I know of someone who would like to see you very often. All you have to do is smile and be a nice little boy."

"I have read that the amount of time you smile during a conversation has a direct effect on how friendly you're perceived to be and can help you make friends easier," added Sai. "It might be a worthwhile endeavor to meet your friends so that I might practice creating new bonds of friendship."

He started to take a step closer to the man, but Naruto and Sai grabbed his arms and pulled him back. "No Sai, you can't go with him," sighed Naruto, wising up. "I swear I don't know how someone so smart can be so dumb sometimes."

"Yes, well, I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projective you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns to its original trajectory and adheres to you."

"What are you saying?!"

The weird man stepped forward and opened his mouth to speak, but before he could get out a word, Sasuke interrupted, "We don't need your opinion, now shut up and let the grown-ups speak."

He threw his hand in the air and angrily sputtered, "Grown-ups…you're nothing but a couple of kids. I'll have you know…" He didn't finish what he had been about to say as a shuriken whizzed past and pinned his shirt to the wall. What's worse, it happened so fast, he had no idea who threw it.

"He's saying," Sasuke calmly continued as though he hadn't been interrupted, "I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you."

"Aho, you read too much."

"You kids are insane!" said the man while he struggled to pull the deeply imbedded shuriken out of the wall.

"I'm not crazy," said Sai, "My father had me tested."

"They probably got the wrong results," sniggered Naruto.

"No, I do not believe so. My mother had me retested."

The man internally debated with himself for several minutes. Indecision weighed heavily on him. There was something about these children that screamed "beware" but he had rarely ever seen an adult ninja, and never a child. He asked himself a question he would forever regret; "What's the worst thing that could happen?" He yanked the shuriken out and moved forward.

"Aho, can't you tell that something isn't right here. We're not letting you go anywhere with this man." Sasuke faced the man and sneered, "We are not 'nice little boys'; we are ninja."

"Yeah, sure you are! Well then, I'm sorry to say this, but my boss wants you three. You are coming with me." He looked over their heads and nodded at the men who had tried to sneak up on the boys.

Naruto lifted his brow at Sasuke and said, "Really?" when he felt a hand clamp down on his shoulder.

Sasuke snorted then muttered, "Pathetic."

Sai asked, "So am I right in assuming that they are not looking for friends?"

Naruto put his hand on top of the large one that was touching him. "Eh, they're just perverts. Let's teach them that they can't mess with the Trilogy of Terror." He gripped the hand, shifted his body, yanked hard, and flipped the man over his shoulder. Sasuke and Sai did the same.

Sasuke calmly walked over to the prone man and stomped on his hand saying, "Don't you ever dare to put your unworthy hands on an Uchiha ever again."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Teme, you're not all that!"

"It's okay if you disagree with me. I can't force you to be right."

Sai interrupted, "Perhaps you two should settle your quarrel later. In case you have not noticed, they are getting up."

"Well, some people never learn," said Naruto with a grin.

Sasuke smirked at the men. "If at first you don't succeed, you should destroy all evidence that you tried, right brothers?" He began to form hand seals, but Naruto shoved him hard.

"No jutsu against civilians. You know better. Let's just kick their asses the old fashioned way."

"Right!" agreed the other two boys, leaping. They attacked with ferocity; pummeling the men until they couldn't move any longer.

"I told you not to touch us," said Sasuke to the cowering pervert who had approached them first. "If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning." Sasuke gave a short hard jab to the man's face.

"The Yakuza will not like this. They will get revenge!" he squealed and covered his head with his arms.

"Tch, you tell them to bring it on. I'm not afraid."

"Me either!"

"Nor I."

~~O~~

When they arrived back at the inn, Tsunade was there. She was drinking sake again. Naruto defiantly stared at her, still unhappy with her comments about the Hokage and his village. She glared back.

Sai and Sasuke, surprised to see the normally happy-go-lucky boy looking so angry asked, "Who's that?"

"That's the old hag who's going to be traveling with us. The one the Pervy Sage was looking for."

"HAG!" shouted Tsunade, getting up and crossing the room. "Just who are you calling an old hag?!"

"Well, you certainly aren't young!" shouted Naruto back. He made the ram seal and transformed using the sexy jutsu. "This is young!"

Tsunade was not impressed. A vein in her forehead throbbed. She used her finger to flick him across the room yet again.

Sai studied Naruto dispassionately for a minute before saying, "You know it would have been more effective if you would have just hit him on the ears."

"Who are you?" she asked sarcastically.

"I am Sai."

"So what do you want?"

"Nothing. I was just saying that if you slap your palms down simultaneously over your opponent's ears, keeping your palms slightly cupped, you will create a pressure shock that can disorient your opponent, and in the ideal scenario, rupture the ear drum, ending both his equilibrium and the fight in a single blow?"

"What do you know about the ears?" she asked sarcastically.

Sai quoted, "The human ear has three main sections, which consist of the outer ear, the middle ear, and the inner ear. Sound waves enter your outer ear and travel through your ear canal to the middle ear. The ear canal channels the waves to your eardrum, a thin, sensitive membrane stretched tightly over the entrance to your middle ear. The waves cause your eardrum to vibrate."

Sai continued, "Were you also aware that the human heart has its own electrical impulse and it can continue to beat even when separated from the body as long as it has an adequate supply of oxygen?"

"What are you," she interrupted, "a human encyclopedia?"

"There is no such thing as a…"

"So do you know how to tell when someone is going into shock?" she asked, suddenly very interested in the boy.

"The presentation of shock is variable with some people having only minimal symptoms such as confusion and weakness. While the general signs for all types of shock are low blood pressure, decreased urine output, and confusion these may not always be present."

Tsunade looked back at Jiraiya; who had just joined them, in surprise. "I think I like this kid. Maybe traveling with you all for a little while won't be such a bad thing. Shizune is a master medic now and I wouldn't mind getting a new apprentice."

"Well that's good. Listen, we really need to head out." He turned to Naruto and said, "Pull yourself out of that wall and stop playing around."

Naruto shot him a dirty look. He brushed the dirt off his clothes and glowered at the Sannin.

Jiraiya chuckled fondly at the boy before he turned back to the woman and continued, "I really could use your help with a quick little side trip I need to make."

"Where?"

"Takigakure; the Village Hidden in the Waterfalls."

~~O~~

Back in Konoha, a week later…

Anko stood at the counter at Ichiraku and read the letter with growing disbelief while Ibiki looked at it over her shoulder. Kakashi and Mikoto were there as well, reading their own letters. Sakura just arrived to get hers when the Ayame asked, "Is Tsunade is really coming back?"

Anko suddenly screeched. "I'll kill him!" she shouted. She shoved the letter at Kakashi. "Read this!"

Kakashi's eye widened and turned cold. "It's a good thing Tsunade is coming back to Konoha because we are going to have a little spar with Jiraiya when he returns."

"What happened?" asked Ayame.

"The boys visited a red-light district."

Sakura peeked at the adults and saw Mikoto's eyes turn red and spin in their sockets, Ayame finger her heavy metal serving ladle, and Ibiki's scarred face change to the most horrifying expression. She looked at her letter in confusion…he made no mention of a red-light district.

I'm having a great time here. I got to go to the circus and I saw four clowns try to take on three ninja. It was really funny. I wish you could have seen it. I didn't get to see any elephants though, but I did see this contortionist woman on a pole. I don't think I've ever seen anything like it before.

Sai, Sasuke, and me figured out a new way to mess with the Pervy Sage and granny Tsunade today while we were traveling. We tied jingle bells to all of our clothes and then we sang the whole 99 bottles of sake on the wall song…three times! Yup, they sure were annoyed, but that's teach them to spend the day in a bar, ignoring us. Can you believe that idea was actually Sasuke's? There's hope for him yet!

By the way, when we were in village a few days ago I saw that they had dog food for constipated dogs. That blew my mind. I say that if your dog is constipated, why would you want to screw up a good thing? Keep them indoors and let 'em bloat!

Ja Ne

Naruto

~~O~~

The next day

As the last bell rang for the day at the ninja academy, students came running out of the classroom, eager to go home and play. Many girls in Iruka Umino's class; however, went a different way. The school training field was their destination. With more than a little trepidation, they inspected the wooden teaching dummies that dotted the grassy area. They had learned the hard way that with Anko, nothing was what it seemed.

None of the girls had ever seen a dummy that was so life-like before. It was a tall man with waist-length, spiky white hair tied back into a pony tail, with two shoulder-length bangs that framed both sides of his face. Sakura stared at the dummy for quite a few minutes with a frown on her face. She couldn't put her finger on it, but there was something very familiar about it. She thought that maybe she had seen such a man at the market before. The red lines that ran down from his eyes also seemed to tickle her memories and the wart on the left side of his nose was definitely familiar. Who was it?

Sakura fingered the green short shirt kimono and matching pants before she finally asked, "Does anyone know who this is supposed to be? I just know that I should know who it is."

Hinata suddenly laughed. "It's the Toad Sannin, Jiraiya. Sasuke told me all about him in his letters.

"Yeah, I think you're right, Hinata. Naruto says he calls him the Pervy Sage," she added with a giggle. "So how is Sasuke?" she asked in mild curiosity. "Naruto mentions him occasionally in his letters."

"Oh he's fine. He misses home sometimes, but he says he is getting stronger everyday. He also said that Sai and Naruto are as well." Hinata hesitated, "He says that Naruto talks about you all the time. He really likes you Sakura."

"Yeah, I know. I mean I know that he can be a real knucklehead sometimes, but he can be so sweet too. He says that Sasuke really likes you too." She said that without any rancor in her voice. After the "fear exercise" in Anko's Temple, the girls spent a lot of time together. They found out the truth. Ino and Sakura were bitterly disappointed about Sasuke, but couldn't be mad at Hinata. The past several months with Anko had done everything to create an unshakable bond between the three girls, especially the more events. The Temple was so horrifying, so traumatizing, and so extreme that they became the best of friends. There was no way she or Ino could ever harbor any bitter feelings towards Hinata. They were young after all; they moved on.

"I made us something," said the shy Hyuga softly. She opened her bag and took out three soft fuzzy hats. Sakura got a pink one, Ino a purple, and a blue one for herself. They looked carefully around for any of the enemy (a.k.a. a boy) and removed the current hats perched on their heads and replaced it with the new ones.

Ino rubbed her head and moaned, "I miss my hair. I still cry sometimes."

"You're not alone Ino-pig. I miss mine as well."

Hinata agreed sadly, "Me too."

"And how are my precious little students?" shouted a cheerful voice behind them. "I have the absolute best lesson planned!"

Ino cringed.

Sakura whimpered.

Hinata nearly fainted.

Anko's face showed no surprise at the steadily decreasing amount of students that she met with each week. In truth, what did surprise her was the amount that stayed. She started out with fifteen and was now down to six. "Hmm," she thought, "I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I shaved their heads three months ago? Well, I did tell them that it would help with their 'aerodynamics' and 'wind sheer' reduction!"

"Nah, it's probably just because the ones that left were weak, useless little fan girls. Then again, it could have been that little episode with my snakes."

"...Nah, couldn't be that, after all, who would be scared to be locked in a dark room with a thousand snakes for a few measly hours?"

"Umm Anko Sensei?" asked Sakura when her teacher gave a decidedly wicked laugh, "What are we doing this week?" All of the girls attention was now fixated on the table next to Anko. It was filled with an assortment of weapons, many of which they had never seen before.

"Ah yes, girls, I have a very fun assignment planned for today." The girls looked at each other in weary acceptance of their doomed fate as their sensei began to lecture them about all the weapons. Anko picked up a short sword and walked over to one of the 'Jiraiya' dummies, "You all need to know how to defend yourselves with whatever type of weapon you come across. Some lousy, mouth breathing, knuckle dragging, worthless bag of beaver dung, good-for-nothing pervert old hermit might try to drag you to places for which you are too young and innocent to be seeing.

Ino mouthed, "Worthless bag of beaver dung?" at Sakura and Hinata. They both shrugged and covered their grins with their hands.

"Who knows what that zit on the ass of life," continued Anko, "putrescent mass of walking vomit, festering pustule on a weasel's rump whose life is a monument to stupidity, might do next, buy you a prostitute?" ranted Anko without taking a breath. The girls watched wide eyed as she ranted, "That scum-sucking, perverted old geezer is probably a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt."

"What's a prostitute?" asked Ino.

Sakura responded, "Don't you remember 'the Talk' from last year?"

"Oh yeah, 'The Talk', I remember now… eew that's so gross. But Anko Sensei wouldn't that scum-sucking, vulgar maggot of an old geezer what to make us prostitutes? I mean, why would he want to buy us one? What would we do with her?"

Hinata and Sakura had to turn their heads to avoid having Anko see them laugh at the way Ino was trying to incite her further.

"Uh yeah…that's what I meant to say. Anyways, that's why you need to know how to defend yourselves and really hurt that green-nostriled, crossed eyed, hairy-livered inbred frog-defiler so that he will never try it again to you or your sweet little angel baby."

"Angel baby? Who's the angel baby?" asked Hinata.

Sakura wasn't the class genius for nothing. It finally clicked; what got their Sensei so riled up…the letter…

"SAI! SAI Morino IS YOUR SON!" Suddenly she felt a bit stupid for not seeing it before. She had always assumed Anko was just another person who went to Ichiraku to hear Ayame read the letters Naruto sent. She had always figured that it was because the woman was a friend of his dads.

"Sakura," explained Ino patiently, "Her name is Anko Mitarashi, not Morino."

"No, no, she's right," said Anko, still pacing back and forth agitatedly in fury, she added, "I'm married to Ibiki. I just kept my own name."

"That explains so much about Sai," thought Ino. "Wait…you call Sai…Sai Morino from our class, Sai the artist, your sweet little angel baby?" asked Ino disbelievingly. She shared a devious smirk with her friends then snickered and whispered, "Sweet little angel baby…"

"Aaaawww, how cuuute!" chorused the girls.

"I can't wait till he gets back and tries to call us hag or ugly again!" exclaimed Ino. She rubbed her hands together with a devious look.

"Me too," agreed the other two.

"Aw crap," said Anko to herself. "Girls that was just a slip of the tongue; if I hear that that little faux pas of mine making the rounds at the academy, I might get a bit upset. As a matter of fact, I might get so upset that I might have to make you all do the fear exercise again. Everybody remembers that one right?"

Ino cringed.

Sakura whimpered.

Hinata nearly fainted.

Anko smiled. "Ah good, I see you do remember; back to today's lesson." She pulled out a small battery powered shaver and turned it on. The humming sounded so loud in the girl's ears. "Does anybody want to know guess what the losers of today's training receive?"

Every girl there shrank back and eyed the clippers with a touch of horror and resignation.

"But Anko Sensei, our hair is finally starting to grow back," whined Sakura.

"Ah Sakura, Sakura, Sakura…you don't have to worry about the hair on your head. The clan heads asked me not to do that again."

"...have I told you what beautiful pink eyebrows you have?" laughed Anko maliciously.

Ino cringed.

Sakura whimpered.

Hinata nearly fainted.

Anko walked over to the table and grabbed a short sword. She leaped at the dummy and began to hack and stab at its lower regions. "Squeaking diseased rat, a mistake of nature...!" She then threw kunai at the eyes and hacked the head off, while muttering, "Drooling inbred cross-eyed toe sucker, degenerate spawn of a bandy-legged hobo and a syphilitic camel."

When she stepped back from the destruction, all that was left was a pile of splinters. "Does anyone know a good fire jutsu?" she asked pertly while breathing heavily.

"Yo. I might know a few that are pretty handy."

"Kakashi, glad to see you accepted my invitation." Anko took a deep breath to calm down and finish her instructions, "Girls, go get an assortment of weapons and have fun! I want to see nothing but kindling when you're done."

Sakura walked up to the table to inspect the weapons. Something unusual caught her eye. It looked a bit like a kusarigama (sickle and chain), but instead it had a wicked curved dual bladed knife attacked to it. She picked it up, walked a safe distance from everyone, and twirled it around her body. Words couldn't describe the beauty of it to her; it felt like an extension of her body, something alive, flowing, and undulating, with a snakelike quality to it. She loved it.

"Sensei, please…can I keep it?"

Anko noted the reverence in the girl's face and smiled. It was one of her favorites as well. "It takes a lot of practice to use it effectively, Haruno, but I believe you are capable of it."

Kakashi strolled over to one of the dummies and studied it for a moment. "Mah, they're very realistic. I must congratulate you. May I?"

"Please do!"

Kakashi stepped closer to it. He clenched his hand as the sound of a thousand chirping birds filled the air. Every girl in the class stopped what they were doing to watch the elite ninja systematically destroy the dummy. None had ever witnessed a ninja of his caliber perform before. They saw the dummy electrocuted, stabbed, pummeled with water, crushed with a massive earthen wall, and than burned to an unrecognizable mass in seconds. The girls simply stared in shock at the raw display of power. Anko quickly got their attention back to their task at hand by waving the clippers in the air and cheerfully asking, "Who's first?"

At the end of the lesson, the winded girls were each handed a piece of paper for their parents to sign. It was for their next lesson…a camp out…

"That sounds like fun," chirped Sakura. "Where is training ground forty-four?"

AN:

"Yes, well, I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projective you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns to its original trajectory and adheres to you." - that's from The Big Bang Theory - couldn't resist!

The scene at the red-light district is from The Watchers. I pretty much copied a part of it because the sex with the dead was too funny to pass up. I pictured Naruto asking that question and just had to put it in...sorry!

First off, big huge thanks to cookiemonster77 who helped me alot with this chapter especially Anko's part!

Another thanks to Yautja's Blooded Pet for the suggestion a while back about Sai nearly getting sold into the skin trade!

Hahaheeha, thanks for the help too. I think Sai will be great as a medic.

Last, but not least, JuzzyA - hope this one's long enough for ya buddy!

To everyone that has reviewed/ followed/ favorited my little story - Thanks. You all are awesome! Hopefully, I didn't offend anyone with this newest chapter!

AZFAERYDUST