Blair decides to make a memory.
She can't escape the feeling that this might be all she has, might be all she'll ever has, so she decides she's going to remember every moment.
They end up in her bedroom, Dan's shirt in a pool on the floor, Blair's shirt unbuttoned. There might have been a time when this made Blair giggle, made her think about being young and silly, when spending the night felt like the biggest decision in the world, long before there were bestselling novels and international companies to run, long before life started to feel serious. She might smile at Dan and tease him about not letting her parents hear them, but Blair doesn't feel buoyant enough to smile or make fun. She feels weighed down, heavy with desire, like every moment, every kiss counts for something.
She goes slow, kissing Dan deeply, wanting to devour him, absorb him into her being so he can never leave her again. She tells him without words that she won't survive it again, even if she lies to herself and tells herself that she has plenty in her life, that she can live with the sorrow and without love. She won't survive it.
His skin is warm under her lips and she kisses it over and over, tasting his salt and sweat, and Dan moans as she slips her fingers under the waistband of his jeans at the same time, her lips still making their way across his clavicle, finding the curve of his neck.
"I missed you." Blair whispers between kisses.
"Blair," Dan gasps. "I..."
His voice trails off as she grazes his nipple with her teeth. She wants to tell him not to talk, to shut up and let her memorize him, mapping his body with her fingers.
Blair is being chased by ghosts trying to drag her back into the past, and even though Dan said he's staying, she can't cut them loose. Not yet. They pull at her skin, reminding her that nothing is forever. Louis wasn't. Chuck wasn't. Dan won't be. They tell her that ultimately Blair Waldorf will be alone, whisper in her ear that she doesn't deserve this, not after what she's done. It's her own shame dragging her down, and she knows what will shatter it into a million pieces, but not tonight. Not until she can make this memory.
"Fuck me," Blair whispers in Dan's ear, her teeth nipping at his earlobe. "I need you."
I love you.
She can't say it. Not yet. Not until she can make things right.
Her hands tug at his pants and suddenly things aren't slow and languid anymore. Blair is seized with desperation, desire ripping through her, leaving her breathless, and she goes from exploring Dan's body, the one she's explored so many times before, to needing him inside her, in a matter of seconds. Dan appears to be experiencing the same things because he pushes her hands away and fumbles at the button on his jeans, uttering profanities when it doesn't give way immediately, then he's pushing them down his hips, followed by his boxers and Blair is kicking off her panties, not caring that her skirt is still on. She reaches around her back and unclasps her bra, and then Dan is on top of her and he's sucking on one of her nipples and Blair feels shameless about how much she wants him. She spreads her legs and lifts up her hips, pushing up towards him, trying to feel him against her groin, trying to get some friction, some relief.
"Oh god, Blair," Dan gasps as she finds her target, rubbing up against him. He leaves her breasts and returns to kissing her as his hands grab her wrists and pull them above her head and then he's inside her and Blair's hips buck. Then they are moving in unison and he's looking down at her, watching her, and Blair refuses to look away. Not until she finally comes, melting into her core, back arching, his name on her lips.
They collapse into the bred, tangled around each other, not saying anything, just breathing together, skin stuck together with sweat and fluids, and Blair can finally sleep, Dan's arms wrapped around her, holding her tightly like she might disappear and Blair says nothing but she tells him silently to never, ever let her go.
Breakfast in on a tray next to the bed when they wake up and Blair smiles. Dan is still asleep next to her, turned onto his belly, breathing heavily. Blair just watches him. After a long time he stirs, reaching out for her and when his hand finds her Blair thinks she hears a sigh of relief. Dan turns over and looks at her.
"Hi." he says sleepily.
Blair's heart clenches.
"Dan..." she starts. "I have to...I need to tell you..."
"Shhhhhh..." His finger is on her lips. His face is so close. She wants to kiss him. "Here and now."
Those words take her back to what feels like a lifetime ago. They are back to the here and now, the last few weeks falling away. They are Dan and Blair. Married. In love. Blair smiles.
"Here and now," she repeats, meaning every word.
"I don't want to ignore what happened," Dan continues. "I can't. I figured out that there's more baggage between us then I ever realized. This...us...we're not just a couple of people who met and married. We have years and years of pain between us"
Blair feels the tears again, but this time they don't hurt. They're tears of relief. She nods.
"I don't want to pretend we're back where we were. I don't think we were ever there in the first place and all that pain was waiting to explode, and it did, in Rome."
Blair smiles and then laughs despite her tears.
"I hate Rome," she tells him.
"So do I," Dan agrees. "We never have to go back there."
"Ever." Blair strokes the side of his face with her fingers. He grabs her hand and places a kiss on its palm.
"Being without you for these last few weeks, well, it's been hell." Dan says, watching her face. Blair nods. Hell. "And nothing is worth going through that. Nothing we have done to each other is worth being apart. We can fix this."
Blair nods again. Dan is right. They can fix this.
"And I have a plan," he continues. "So, if you can wait a little bit, not too long, you can tell me what you need to tell me, and I can tell you what I need to tell you, and we can move forward."
"Yes."
Dan leans forward and captures his mouth with his in a slow, lingering kiss and Blair forgets about teleconference calls and breakfast and maybe also to breathe as she kisses him back.
They go to the Hamptons. Dan drives and Blair watches him across the car and it reminds her of another road trip at least a lifetime ago when they were united behind saving Serena, and she thinks that might be when all of this began. That was when she started to realize that Dan Humphrey wasn't all that bad. Blair reaches across the car and grabs Dan's hand. He glances over at her and smiles.
The Archibald complex is on the beach and Dan has the key, and Blair realizes that Serena must have known Dan was in New York. She must have known that he was waiting for her at the penthouse, must have known why Dorota was calling.
Dan goes for a swim in the pool. Blair sits in a chaise lounge on the deck pretending to read a book. He suggests a restaurant in downtown that Nate said was good. Blair shrugs and says 'why not'. It's hard to believe that just a few days ago she was ready to walk away, to never have Dan in her life again, and now they are back to some sort of strange domestic bliss. She puts on a flowing dress and sandals and Dan walks around to her side of the car and opens the door, offering her his arm, and Blair takes it, smiling. They eat and talk and talk some more, and Blair realizes that she's missed him. They weren't apart for that long but it was too long, and she hates that anything has come between them.
The sun is going down as they make their way home, Blair leaning her head on Dan's shoulder as he steers the car, and she's content. When the unlock the massive door to the house Dan grabs her hand and squeezes it.
"One more thing, Blair."
Blair blinks. What else could there be on what has already been a perfect evening. Dan grabs a bag that he'd left by the front door earlier and gestures for her to follow him.
"The beach." he says. Blair grabs his hand and they walk down the grass-lined path towards the sound of the roaring ocean, step by step, arms swinging in time, saying nothing, listening to the wind rustle the grass around them, the sand soft under their feet. Finally the path opens onto the beach and Blair stops, gazing out into the immense darkness of the ocean, the sky dotted with only a few starts. She shivers a little and Dan puts his arm around her shoulders.
"Over here," he says, gesturing toward what appears to be a ring of logs around a cement pit. The walk over and Blair sees that the pit is full of fresh wood and she looks up at Dan and smiles.
"A beach fire," she murmurs. "what a perfect way to end our evening."
"There's more," Dan says, gesturing for her to sit down. He fusses with the wood for a few minutes until a tongue of flame is licking up the dry wood and Blair hears crackles. Then Dan is back next to her, sitting on the same log, but not touching her. He puts the bag in his lap and looks over at her.
"This is our past, Blair," he says, gesturing at the bag. "I want to put it to rest tonight."
Blair feels the tears start again. Dan opens the bag and pulls out a stack of notebooks, edges worn. He looks at them for a moment.
"This is Rome." he tells her. "It's everything I wrote during that time. I read them again and I was so angry. So hurt."
"Dan," Blair gasps. "No."
She can't let him continue, can't let him be the one that takes on this burden. Blair turns to him and takes the journals out of his hands.
"I don't know what you're doing with these, my love," Blair says quickly, not wanting Dan to say another word. "But you've done enough. Since you came back into my life there hasn't been a moment that I haven't felt loved and cared for. You have this way of understanding me that cuts to my core. You make everything right. I can't let you do this until I can make things right for once."
"It's okay," Dan whispers. "I know."
"You don't know." Blair says quickly. "I need to tell you, and then you'll know."
"Okay." Dan says. Blair puts the journals down and takes both Dan's hands in hers.
"I'm sorry." she says, slowly, firmly. "I should have said those words to you sixteen years ago when I walked away from you with no explanation. I have a lot of reasons for what I did, but none of them change the fact that I was selfish and thoughtless, and I am so sorry."
She's crying.
"I know what you went through now. I saw Georgina, and she told me how bad it was, and her words ripped my heart out. If I had been stronger, had been surer of myself, I would have gone with you to Rome, would have stayed with you, and our story would be different."
She stops and shivers, not sure if she can say what needs to be said, not sure if she's strong enough. Dan squeezes her hands and Blair finds the strength to go one in his grip, in his touch. He is her strength.
"I hurt you and I'm still hurting you, so I'm going to stop hurting you right now. I'm sorry, Dan Humphrey. I should have been stronger. I hurt you and I will live with that for the rest of my life, but none of this means I can go on without you, because I can't. I hope you can forgive me someday, because I'm the one who has put us through this. No one else is to blame."
"Blair."
She lets his hands go and his arms are around her, pulling her to him, holding her tight. Blair feels his shirt on her cheek and it's damp from her tears, and she never wants this moment to end. This is where she needs to be.
They hold each other as the fire crackles and the ocean roars and the grasses rustle in the wind. They hold each other in the darkness, under the almost starless sky. Dan whispers into her hair and Blair grips him like he might float away. After what feels like an eternity Dan pushes her away a little and looks down at her.
"Thank you," he whispers. He picks up the books from the log. "Now, I need to tell you something."
Blair nods and wipes at her nose with the back of her hand, not caring how unladylike it is. Her eyes feel heavy and swollen but her heart feels light, unburdened.
"I thought we could live in the here and now," Dan starts, watching her as he talks, "but I was wrong. Rome showed me that. The past has weighed heavily on me for the last sixteen years and I thought I'd let it go, but clearly I didn't. That doesn't mean I shouldn't, so I found these."
He holds out the journals. They have 'Summer 2012' scrawled across the front. Dan looks at Blair then looks over at the fire.
"I'm ready to stop letting the past eat me up inside. Nothing that has happened is as important as the fact that you're here with me now. So, I want to burn these journals tonight, to let Rome go up in flames, to end it."
"Are you sure," Blair asks. Dan nods.
"I have Inside and Outside as testament to those times," he says. "I don't need more. It's bad enough that those will be forever a memorial to something so fucked up. All Rome was to me was missing you and trying to kill the pain any way I could. Why should I hold onto any of that?"
"You shouldn't."
Dan hands Blair one of the journals. It feels soft and cool in her hands. She runs her finger over the smooth cover.
"You do the first one." Dan says quietly. Blair takes the journal and tosses it into the fire. The fire flares up, blue and yellow flames licking at the cover and she watches as the words on the cover disintegrate in the heat. Dan throws another in and they both stare at it, their past going up in flames. They take turns throwing the rest in, watching them burn. When they are all burned, Dan takes Blair into his arms.
"I love you." he says softly, warmly. "I'm so sorry I let anything get in the way of that."
"I'm sorry too." Blair says back. She'll never stop feeling sorry, even if the feelings fade over time. There will always be that tinge of regret that she hadn't done things differently.
Dan sits in the sand, his back against the log, Blair settles into his arms, and they sit there until the fire becomes embers, glowing in the dark, until Blair's eyes droop shut and she falls asleep, slumping against Dan. He picks her up, cradling her against his chest and walks back to the house.
This is the moment Blair will never forget. The moment of forgiveness and redemption, on a beach in the middle of the night, cradled in the arms of her husband, the past left in the ashes of the fire pit, burned up, waiting for the winds to come and blow it away entirely.
TBC