Blair wakes up happy. She stretches her arms and legs and arches her back then relaxes back into the cool cotton sheets thinking that no one should really be allowed to be this happy, to feel like joy fills every cell of her body, but she does. She slides out of bed and doesn't bother to throw on a robe over her nightgown, just pads down the hallway towards the kitchen.
She's tired and aching, every joint in her body protesting her moving out of bed, and she thinks there is still some sand in her hair. Sleep clings to her like cobwebs, beckoning her back into its arms. Blair had woken up when Dan put her gently into the bed, kissing her on the forehead, and Blair lay there, staring into the darkness, afraid to close her eyes because this might all turn out to be a dream, half convinced that sleep was her enemy, that if she gave into its embrace she would wake up alone again. She had finally fallen asleep in the early hours of the morning, her eyes fluttering shut against her will.
He's still there.
She can hear pans and dishes clanking in the kitchen as she walks towards it and Blair smiles. He's still there, doing what he's always done since they got back together; making her breakfast. Blair stops in the doorway and leans against the door jam, watching silently, not wanting this moment to end. He's shaking a pan on the stovetop, throwing some vegetables into it, grabbing shreds of cheese. The muscles on his forearms strain a little with the weight of the pan as he flips it around. Dan turns as if he can tell he's being watched and he smiles a warm smile that reaches all the way to his eyes when he sees her standing there. Blair chuckles a little when she realizes he's found an apron somewhere that has 'Kiss the Cook' splashed across the top of it, and she thinks she might just do that later.
"Good morning." Blair murmurs, smiling back at him.
She walks over and pulls a chair out from the long, distressed farmhouse table that dominates the kitchen and sits down. Dan puts a plate at her place with an omelet on it. He slides a mug of coffee in front of her and Blair takes a drink, feeling the hot liquid warm her chest.
"Good morning." Dan rumbles, grinning. "Sleep well?"
"Not really." Blair says, and she thinks it was for all the wrong reasons. She's not sure when she's going to trust she won't wake alone, not sure when the fear will stop creeping up on her. "Sleep has been hard lately."
"I know what you mean."
Dan flips another omelet onto a plate then sits down next to her. They eat in silence, Blair putting forkfuls of fluffy eggs and cheese into her mouth and glance up at him every now and then, making sure he's still there.
They have two more weeks of vacation left.
Dan says they could go somewhere. They both have their passports. They could spin the globe and put a finger down and just go there. They could find a new place, one that belongs to Dan and Blair.
"No," Blair tells him. "I want to stay here."
The last few weeks have stretched on like years, and Blair feels like they've been apart forever. This is their new memory. A house on the beach, the past going up in flames, eating breakfast together, sleeping in each others arms. She doesn't want some exotic locale or adventure in a foreign land. She wants this to be their beginning.
He agrees that they should stay.
"Nate said we could have the house as long as we wanted," Dan tells her. Blair thanks the universe that Serena and Nate are back in her life again, thankful that her dear friends seems to know exactly what she and Dan need.
They need time.
Blair still feels raw. Sometimes when she looks over at Dan pain zips through her from out of the blue, leaving her a little breathless. Everything that she'd been suppressing and holding back for fifteen years now sits close to the surface, trying to break through any crack in her veneer, and Blair knows that the only thing that is going to fix the damage done is time.
They need to be together, just the two of them, to find forgiveness over and over until one day there's nothing left to forgive. Blair knows things won't be better just because they've confronted what they've done to each other, just because they've acknowledged it. She knows recovery takes time.
They have two weeks. They could have more if they need it. They actually have forever, but life goes on, books need to be written, designs need to be approved, empires need to be run. It's only a matter of time before life gets in the way so Blair knows that she must seize the moment.
Here and now.
Those words have never seemed so poignant to Blair as she finishes her coffee and tells Dan she's going to get in the shower. He suggests he might join her with a wolfish grin and raised eyebrows.
Part of reconnecting is physical. It's being vulnerable with each other. It's watching his eyes close and his jaw go slack as he lets go completely. Every time they fuck they get closer and the pain gets duller. Blair likes this. So yes, he can come with her to the shower and push her against the wet tiles, invade her mouth with his tongue and leave her panting with desire. Blair doesn't mind at all.
They go into town that afternoon, walking slowly along the sidewalk, gazing into storefronts, hands linked together. Dan drags her into a bookstore and they emerge with a bagful of books. Blair thinks Nate might feel mildly insulted that she and Dan didn't find his collection of sports autobiographies and true adventure stories worthy literary pursuits. Dan tells her he did a signing here once, what seems like a lifetime ago, and that the bookstore hadn't changed. They don't say anything after that, the past feeling too close for words.
Dinner is one the beach, Dan pulling deli food from a picnic basket, Blair sitting cross-legged on a blanket, watching the waves lap onto the shore and the gulls dive down into the water, emerging with various things in their beaks that they take to nearby rocks and fight over. She shivers and little and Dan pulls a throw out of the basket and wraps it around her shoulders. They don't talk much. Not that there isn't anything to say. Everything lies between them. It's just that neither of them want to tip the balance they've struck. The setting sun sends colors streaking through the sky and Blair feels close to bursting into tears at any moment and about to burst with happiness at the same time and it's an strange place to live. Dan's arms are around her and she leans back, letting her weight rest on his chest.
The sleep wrapped in each others arms and Blair finds the dreams aren't as bad when Dan's there with.
Their days go on like this.
Dan swims in the pool. Blair stretches out on the lounge on the deck, lost in the pages of a book. She doesn't notice when he swims up to the edge and smiles up at her.
"Waldorf-Humphrey."
Blair peers over the top of her book to see her husband grinning at her mischievously. She briefly debates ignoring him, then decides to put her book down.
"Yes?" Blair asks, keeping her face neutral, hiding behind huge sunglasses. He licks his lips like he wants her all of the sudden and she wonders how much longer before they're making their way to the bedroom, or if they'll get there before she convinces him that they never have to admit to Serena and Nate that they had sex on their living room couch, as well as the kitchen table, and that no one should expect that sex in the shower shouldn't happen, especially with newlyweds.
"I think we need to make some changes."
Changes? What changes do they need to make? Eat in instead of out, breakfast for dinner, movie instead of book, walk on the beach instead of going into town, Blair on top more than half the time? Blair blinks. What changes is Dan talking about?
He climbs out of the pool dripping wet and grabs a towel. Blair watches him as he dries off, her eyes drinking in the lines of his body, his slim hips, the way the hair on his chest tapers down his belly, his muscled legs. This time she licks her lips and lust starts to curl up from her belly.
"What changes?" she asks, keeping her voice even as he pads over to her and sits on the edge of the empty lounge chair next to her.
"I don't know," Dan sighs, "I like it here, I like us in the Hamptons, and I don't want it to end, but soon we'll be going back and I want to find a way to make things different than they were."
Blair knows what he's saying. She lived her own life for ten years. After she left Chuck, Blair was left with only herself, and while it was lonely, she was also able to create a world that was entirely her own. Dan did the same. When they found each other again, they kept having to meld into the other's world.
She remembered the day they went to LA and how strange everything had been as she had held on for dear life in the passenger seat of the Jeep. Blair had almost felt like a tourist in Dan's life, taking in the sights, blending in with the locals, but in the end, she didn't fit into California entirely. Paris was the same. Despite Blair giving Dan his own office, it was still Blair's loft, Blair's world, and he was a good sport about cocktail parties and mingling with businessmen and their wives, but at the end of the day, it wasn't Dan's world, it was hers, and he was a tourist there as much as she was in his.
Here, in the Hamptons, they are each others world.
Blair tells Dan this. She tells him that she wants to make changes, to find a way they can truly make a life together, and she knows that returning to Paris isn't necessarily going to let them do that, and that Laguna Beach poses the same problem.
"How about some place entirely new?" Dan asks her.
A new beginning. A new home. Blair smiles at him.
"That's a wonderful idea." she says and Dan leans forward and captures her mouth in a long, sweet kiss that soon deepens and the discussion is set aside until later.
It's decided. They will find a new place to live. Blair suggests London. Dan says he doesn't like the weather. He says he likes Costa Rica. Blair says she can't run her company from there. Neither of them want to move to Asia.
They have two days left before they leave. Blair finds she's feeling uneasy, not quite ready to emerge from the world they've built for themselves. In a way they have finally had the honeymoon they never got after they were married, and she doesn't want to have to return to reality.
Dan buildsa fire on the beach again. Blair nestles into his side as they sit with their backs propped against the driftwood logs around the pit watching the flames lick up the wood, listening to the ocean roar, the wind blowing softly.
"I love you, Mrs. Waldorf-Humphrey," Dan says softly, seriously. Blair's heart melts.
"I love you too."
They don't say much else, just sit in the silence that seems to dominate their interactions lately. As the evening light grows dimmer Blair finds the courage to say what has been running through her mind the last couple days.
"I'm scared," she whispers, not sure if Dan heard her. His arm tightens around her shoulder and she knows her words didn't fall on deaf ears.
"Me too." Dan answers.
The ghosts of their past still have a hold on them and they are haunted by almost failing. Everything had seemed to perfect before and Blair doesn't know what will keep them from going down that path again, can't see what will keep the past at bay. Leaving this house means returning to the real world and the real world means they might fail. Blair doesn't think she'll survive losing him again.
She is wearing a tank top and the cooling air raises goosebumps across her skin and Blair shivers. Dan's hand runs across the bare skin of her arm and it makes Blair shiver again but this time for an entirely different reason. She rises to her knees then turns to Dan and straddles his lap. He smiles at her, a lazy, knowing, lopsided smile, and Blair feels like she's been waiting for this man for her entire life.
"I need you," she murmurs, bending down and placing her lips on the column of his neck, liking the sharp intake of his breath as her lips press firmly on his warm skin. She moves up his neck, trailing kisses, feeling his arms tighten around her back, crushing her to him.
"Blair."
She pulls back and smiles at him.
"Yes?" she asks, smirking a little.
His voice is raw and cracking when he speaks again, and she knows he wants her.
"Don't stop."
She leans forward and kisses him on his lips, softly, gently.
"Where were we happiest?" Blair asks him. "Not now. Now since Serena's wedding. Before."
"Were we happy before?" Dan asks her back, his eyes deep and serious. "I have a hard time remembering."
"We were." she pushes his hair off his forehead gently. "You made me so happy, even back then. I was stupid not to realize how important that was..."
Her voice trails off. The pain creeps back around the edges. If only she'd understood what she knows now.
"Shhhhhhhhh..." Dan reaches up and smooths a finger across her forehead, soothing her, chasing away the demons. He tucks a stray strand of hair that has escaped back behind her ear, takes her hand and kisses the inside of her wrist.
She remembers a moment a long time ago. It wasn't a big moment, it didn't contain any life-changing revelation, because if it had, she would have never gone back to Chuck. It was a sunny afternoon and she was wearing a fluffy pink gown that Dan had cajoled her into pulling from the recesses of her closet. She remembers a cheap tiara and how she'd reminded Dan that she was worth more than dime-store frivolity and he'd told her to trust him. She remembered him giving her the gift of being a princess one last time and she'd been purely and entirely happy as she'd smiled at him and her heart had soared.
"Where were we happy before?" Blair asks again.
"I don't know Blair," Dan answers. "Sometime I don't think I was ever happy until you came back into my life."
"You have always made me happy. Even when I didn't know that was what I needed. Let's go back to that. That's where we need to be."
Dan looks at her quizzically.
"Back to that?"
"Let's move back to New York."
His eyebrows go up.
"New York?"
It makes sense. Their family is there. Their friends are there. Their goddaughter is there. New York is a fashion hub and there would be plenty of writing for Dan to take on. They've been running away from New York and from each other. Maybe their new start should actually be a return to their beginning.
"Yes!" Blair says excitedly. "I have the penthouse, we could remodel the whole thing, or find an entirely new place. I could move Waldorf Designs there. You could write, or teach or do whatever you wanted. We would be near your dad and Serena, Nate and Grace. My mom could come to visit. Jenny isn't far away."
She pauses and looks down at him, searching his face for an answer.
"Tell me I'm not crazy." Blair says. "Tell me this could work."
Dan looks at her and then a smile spreads over his face.
"You're not crazy."
Blair squeals and covers his face with kisses. A great sense of relief floods through her and for the first time since she walked into the penthouse to find Dan in the living room Blair feels like the past has finally been left behind, no longer feels it nipping at her heels, lurking around corners. They're embracing the past and making it their future.
They're going home.
TBC