Blair stares at the plastic stick. She shakes it then stares at it again, squinting, trying to pretend she didn't see the faint pink line that is materializing against the white background.
Shit.
She should be happy. She should be jumping up and down for joy, but the first thought in her head is unsettling, and her stomach churns.
I don't want this.
It's not entirely the truth. She does want this. In her dreams they have a family, little feet and hands, heads of dark curly hair, chubby cheeks. In her dreams someone call her mama and wants kisses before falling asleep. She wants this more than anything, but as she sits on the toilet staring at the stick, all she wants to for things to be different.
I'm not ready.
"You okay in there?"
Dan's voice is casual, unconcerned on the other side of the door. He doesn't know that his wife is frozen, perching on the toilet, staring at a pregnancy test and that the result is positive. They are getting ready to go out, an art opening in Chelsea. It's Eva's opening. She had contracted to curate for a gallery in New York for a few months, and Chuck will be there, and Blair should be excited for a night with food and drinks and stumbling home in the early morning, happy and bubbly, except she's not. Her entire world is spinning out of control. Because she's pregnant.
No drinks for Blair tonight.
They've been back in New York for three months and it took three before that to get everything together for the move. Blair had to scout out a new office location. The penthouse needed to be remodeled. Dan had to wrap things up in California. They ended up starting their new life together in the middle of a cold New York Winter, Blair bundling up, Dan holding her hand to keep her from slipping on icy sidewalks as they walked in the cold evening air. Blair making fun of those scarves he insisted on wearing. They hold cups of coffee to keep warm and debate what films will be oscar nominees and see the latest Moma exhibit on the weekend. Blair is happy to be home. It hadn't taken long for things to feel routine, the rhythms of the city familiar to them, Blair happy to be back to work, Dan interviewing for a teaching job at NYU.
While so many things are the same, there are differences too. Almost every Friday night they have dinner at the Archibald residence, Serena and Blair gossiping in the kitchen, Dan playing with Gracie in the living room. Blair loves to see how much Gracie loves her Uncle Dan, how his face lights up around her. They aren't a big part of the Upper East Side social scene, staying in to watch movies, only going to the occasional fundraiser. Queen B has gone off the radar long-term, happily married and happier to stroll in Central Park instead of gossiping about the latest socialite to be caught up in some random scandal.
Everything is good. Summer and the Hamptons feel like a lifetime away, Rome is a distant memory, and Blair is happy. Happier than she's ever been. Until now.
Shit.
"Blair?"
Dan's voice is sounding a little irritated and Blair doesn't blame him. The car is waiting, they have plans, and now she's sitting in the bathroom and she can't tell Dan why she's suddenly frozen in place. He has no idea that everything has changed, or is about to change. He has no idea that they are suddenly standing at the edge of a cliff, staring down.
"I'm almost ready," Blair calls out as she reaches for her phone. She speed dials Serena's number and her friend picks up immediately.
"S!" Blair hisses almost before Serena can say 'hello'. "Are pregnancy tests ever wrong?"
"Oh my god, Blair!" Serena squeals and Blair moves the phone away from her ear to avoid the high pitched sound.
"Shhhhhh." Blair whispers, hoping Nate didn't hear Serena. "I'm just not sure, and there's a second line there, but it's faint, and I need to know. Are they ever wrong?"
"Oh B," Serena says warmly. "No. Not when they're positive. You're pregnant."
Blair's heart drops.
It wasn't like the movies or TV shows. She didn't wake up one morning feeling sick to her stomach then have the brilliant idea that it might not be the sushi they'd eaten the night before. Blair had just felt uneasy, peakish, snapping at Dorota and Dan, and generally unsettled. It had taken her a few days of not being able to shake that feeling for it to occur to her that it might be more than a bad mood or the New York winter getting to her. She'd had this feeling before. She'd been pregnant before. Then this morning she'd woken up feeling queasy and green around the gills, and even though Blair had wanted to pretend it could be the sushi, or something else she ate, she knew it wasn't. She'd snuck out to the botega on the corner and bought a single pregnancy test, shoved it in her bag, then headed back to the penthouse before Dan woke up. Then she'd kept it in her bag all day long, trying to pretend it wasn't there, until now.
"Are you happy?"
Serena's voice jerks Blair back to reality, back to the fact that she's perched on the toilet, hiding from her husband, confiding in her best friend, facing certain doom.
"Yeah...I, uh..."
In typical Serena fashion S fires her next question without noticing that Blair is hesitant, that her voice isn't full of joy.
"What did Dan say? Is he totally excited? I mean, he's going to be a dad!"
"He hasn't said anything."
Serena is silent for a moment, then she speaks again, her voice surprised.
"What?"
Blair swallows then starts again.
"He hasn't said anything, because I haven't told him."
More silence.
"Blair," Serena finally says somberly. "You haven't told Dan? You told me before you told your husband?"
Blair feels like she might cry.
"Yes."
"Why?"
Because I don't know if I really want this.
Blair can't say what's running through her mind. She can't tell Serena that it wasn't joy she felt when she discovered she was pregnant, but fear. She can't tell her that she isn't sure how someone who was never mothered in the first place can be a mother to another human being.
"I don't know." Blair says lamely. "I just...I just don't know."
"Blair Cordelia Waldorf." Serena says curtly using her best Mother tone, and Blair imagines she's standing there with the phone to her ear and her hands on her hips. "Tell your husband he's going to be a father. Stop hiding in the bathroom and go tell him."
Blair smiles. How did S. know she was hiding in the bathroom? She's about to tell Serena that she's going to hang up and tell Dan when Serena says one more thing.
"And Blair?"
"Yes?"
"You're going to be a wonderful mother. Stop worrying so much."
Blair half laughs and half sobs at Serena's words. Serena knows that Blair is plagued by insecurity, she knows that discovering that she's going to be responsible for making someone else into a decent person is a task far beyond anything Blair has ever done with her life so far.
"Thank you," Blair whispers.
"Any time." Serena answers.
Blair hangs up the phone, stands up and straightens her skirt. She takes the pregnancy test and tosses it into the wastebasket. She looks in the mirror and smooths her hair into place, smacks her lips to get her lipstick even, then she opens the door and steps into their bedroom where Dan is waiting.
"Hey," he rumbles, grinning at her, "that took long enough."
Dan folds her into his arms and Blair relaxes into his embrace, thinking that this is one place she's always felt safe. He kisses the top of her head and Blair smiles. She should tell him right away, but part of her holds back. She wants to find the moment that is perfect, and this isn't it.
They head to Chelsea, to the art opening, Blair leaning her head on Dan's shoulder, his hand idly rubbing her knee.
"You're quiet tonight." Dan says softly. Blair looks up at him and the look in his eyes has a way of washing away all her worries. She always amazed how Dan makes it feel like nothing matters but the two of them. Suddenly she feels like maybe this is going to be okay. Maybe she can take care of the tiny ball of cells multiplying in her belly, forming arms and legs, eyes, ears, becoming a little human being.
She should tell him. Whisper that she's quiet because something significant has happened, something that is going to shift their entire world into a different course. They will no longer be the head of an international fashion empire and a successful writer. Those will be their day jobs. They will be parents and everything else will become secondary. Blair knows she is standing at the edge of something entirely different, entirely new, and as much as she doesn't want to stand there alone, she's not sure how to find the words.
Shouldn't this be a special moment? Doesn't it require a special meal, candlelight, and then that moment when Blair takes Dan's hand in hers and asks him if he's ready for the adventure of a lifetime, because they're about to embark on it, ready or not. Shouldn't it be somewhere besides the back of a town car?
Blair takes a deep breath. No matter how scared and reluctant she feels, she also knows that it's time, because with something this big, there's no time like the present.
"I have a lot on my mind." Blair answers back, watching Dan's brow knit and a quizzical look passes over his face followed by a hint of worry. It's still there. Rome, separation, that nagging fear that this is all going to fall apart any moment, and Blair wishes there was a way she could erase all of that, make it dissipate into thin air, but instead it hangs over them and it will be a long time before it doesn't tinge almost everything. For a moment Blair is sad for how much they've lost.
She takes his hands in hers and holds them tightly, interlacing their fingers. Blair looks down at them, his hands big, hers small, fitting together perfectly. She looks back up and finds that his face has grown serious, as if he knows the gravity of this moment.
"What is it Blair?"
She takes another deep breath, tries to slow her rapidly beating heart, and it should feel this hard, but it does. Blair knows this moment is a big deal.
"I love you Dan." she starts. He nods and squeezes her hands a little. "and I love our life together. It's perfect."
"It is."
Never in a million years would she have expected to have this life. She has a job she loves. She has the man she's loved forever. They have good friends, a beautiful place to live. It truly is perfect.
"I hope what I'm going to tell you will just add more to our lives, because..."
He knows before she tells him. She sees his eyes grow wide and his mouth starts to spread into a smile as she blurts out the words that she's dreaded having to say to him for the last few hours.
"I'm pregnant."
In one smooth movement she is in Dan's arms and his face is buried in her hair and he is laughing and holding onto her tightly.
"Oh my goodness, Blair..."
Blair smiles.
"I'm going to be a dad!"
She feels laughter start to bubble up inside her and finally the happiness that should have been there all along starts to spread, from her heart out to her fingertips, and the fear is pushed aside as joy shines through its dark clouds.
"Yes!" she whispers in his ear. "We're having a baby."
TBC