Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters.
A/N: Thanks to katmom and Angelinia, who beta this story.
Chapter Sixteen
Reading New Moon
It wasn't until the summer break was almost over that reading the books came up again. Bella was happy to put it off and Edward seemed almost as content. He was apprehensive about some of the things that she would react to. However, something came up two weeks before school was supposed to start that changed everything for him.
He has been noticing it more and more lately, something that has been bothering him, and the more time that passed, it only seemed to get worse. He couldn't quite explain what it was at first, nor where it was coming from, but as time passed he recognized what he was feeling. He was frustrated, which in itself wasn't new, but the reason why he was frustrated was. He had noticed in the last month or so Jacob was growing more and more antagonizing towards him. His thoughts were well guarded, but he could sense the bitterness there. It wasn't all the time so it was hard to find the reason why, though at first he thought Jacob's future pack brothers where finally getting to him and he was starting to distrust the Cullens.
However, Jacob never had bitter thoughts towards Alice. In fact, they seemed to have a nice, though peculiar, friendship. Not to mention the few times that Emmett came over the two seemed to have gotten along very well. He even had to admit that most of the time he liked the kid, though he never fully let his guard down.
As the weeks went on, he had noticed an increase in the bitterness, which just happened to coincide with a rapid growth spurt. He knew then that Jacob was quickly rushing towards his transformation, and he was saddened knowing that being around them caused this to come nearly six months earlier than it would have.
"Hey, Jake," Edward said in an even tone, having a feeling the boy wouldn't want pity at the moment. He had already read in Jacob's mind a certain longing to know what it was like to be a wolf, to feel the super-human power that it would bring him. "How long do you think..."
"There is no time frame in these things," Jacob hissed at him and then pinched the bridge of his nose. "I don't mean to snap... it's just difficult to control my temper right now."
"I can understand that," Edward said, but before he could say anymore Bella came out of her house to join them, carrying sandwiches and cold drinks for Jacob and herself. Edward smiled at her as she walked towards them. She really was a vision to behold.
God, she's so beautiful, the thought shot through his head like a bullet and Edward turned to glower at Jacob, growling.
This was probably the worst thing he could have done with a boy that was on the edge of turning into a werewolf, for Jacob's instincts seemed to take over and he started to shake violently. Still, Edward couldn't help but react the way he did either... he would not stand here and let the mutt be anywhere near his Bella if he had any kind of feelings for her. He would not stand going through a love triangle like the one they went through in the book that had them all hurting.
"Jake!" Bella said, and Edward heard the tray that she was carrying crash to the ground.
"Stay back!" Jacob hissed through gritted teeth. Edward could hear that he was trying to calm himself down... trying to calm the instincts that were fighting to take over. Edward took a few steps back and placed himself in front of Bella... not close enough so she could touch him, but close enough that he would be able to stop anything that threatened her.
"Edward! What's happening?" Bella asked, her voice full of fear.
I've got to control myself... Bella... I can't hurt Bella...
The thoughts grated against Edward, but he stopped himself from reacting to them, the boy was barely hanging on as it was, he didn't need more reasons to lose control. The boy was right, protecting Bella came first.
"He's about to phase... though he's trying to stop it," Edward said in a low voice to Bella, but he didn't dare say any more for it seemed that his voice only fuelled Jacob's anger.
"Oh, Jake," Bella said miserably, and Edward hoped that she would go inside where she would be safer, but of course she didn't do that. He supposed he had to be thankful that she stayed behind him and didn't try to get closer to the boy that was about to become a monster.
Jacob watched her forlorn expression, watching her closely and though his thoughts weren't coherent at the moment, the meaning behind them was clear. Edward had to stop himself from reacting in any way, but his insides were boiling. Eventually Jacob stopped shaking, he looked rather pleased with himself, and Edward had to admit he didn't think the boy could have stopped, not when he was that close.
"I better go," he said in a stiff voice. "Could you call Sam and tell him what happened... and that I'll be heading to his house."
"Sure, Jake... do you think you'll be okay?" Bella asked, biting her lip and obviously afraid for his safety.
"Yeah... we knew this day would come," Jacob sighed, and his thoughts seemed to be going all over the place when he looked at Edward. Edward couldn't make much sense of it. "I probably won't be around for a while... I'll call you later."
"Okay Jake... I... have... um... see you later," Bella said, clearly not sure what she should say. Jacob raised his hand to her and then ran in the direction of La Push. Bella watched him go, worried about his safety and didn't even notice Edward's eyes on her, searching her reaction. She went inside and called Sam as Jacob had asked, and he thanked her for her help.
"How are you taking this?" Edward questioned, and this time she did notice his intense look.
"I don't know, it all seems to be happening so fast," Bella said in an odd voice, she was confused by his expression. "What is it, Edward?"
Edward just raised an eyebrow, wondering how he should handle this, and he simply said, "You're reading the books now."
"What?" Bella asked looking more confused than ever.
"I've allowed you to stall because I really thought it would be best if we knew each other better before you read about the future... it would help hearing both the good and bad things that happened," Edward said. "But it's been long enough and I refuse to fall into the same trap as I did before..."
"Okay, Edward," Bella said, stepping closer to him and putting a soothing hand on him. "I'll read the books."
How could she not when he was obviously this worked up about something. She looked out towards the back yard, and wondered how big of a part of what had just happened played in Edward's sudden desire to read the books. She wanted to voice her question, but she held back... she was sure the truth would be clear soon enough.
"Do you want to start reading now?" Bella questioned, it was now lunchtime... and it looked like she was going to have to make herself another sandwich... and they had hours before she had to make dinner. However, she had a feeling that she wouldn't be up to much once she started reading this book.
"I think it would be better if you read now," Edward said almost harshly and then he gave her his sheepish grin. "I just don't want you to put this off anymore."
"Fine, I'll go get the books. Could you make me a sandwich, please?" Bella asked and long before she got back downstairs her lunch was all ready for her. She took her time eating, still feeling apprehensive about reading this book... in fact, with Edward's reaction, she was even more nervous. Still, after she finished her lunch she had to admit that the part where she got to sit in Edward's arms on the living room couch was rather nice.
The book started out just as crazy as the last one, with a preface that had her cringing. What was she trying to save Edward from? How could she, as a mere human, be of any help to Edward, an immortal?
"You know, I was hoping that this first chapter would at least start off easy, but it seems like I was mistaken," Bella sighed after she read about the dream that had quickly turned into a nightmare. "Though, I don't think I fear growing older like she does."
"She... is that what you're going to call your book self now?" Edward questioned, his nerves were calming down as she leaned against his chest. She only had a small blanket around her for it was a warm day for Forks.
"It's easier that way," Bella shrugged.
"So you don't fear growing older... you don't dread your coming birthday?" Edward asked, flinching as he thought of what he knew was coming in this book.
"I wouldn't go that far," Bella sighed. "I still don't like the fact that I'm going to be older than you in a few weeks time, but you promised me a forever, so I don't have to worry as much."
"Well, I'm glad you're not worried," Edward smiled, "but something is bothering you."
"It's more of the same... I just know everyone was laughing at my dream when they realized that Gran was... well, you know," Bella sighed, "not to mention I'm worried about what Alice is planning for that occasion... I shudder to think what she would do when she actually has a reason to throw a party."
"Hm..." Edward said, forcing himself not to react to that. It was what he had been worried about for the last few weeks. He was worried that he might be tempting fate if they had Bella's birthday party at their house, but Alice keep insisting it would be fine.
"I suppose I'll just have to wait and see how bad it is," Bella mumbled to herself before she started reading again.
Edward was still thinking of the party that was about to happen, in both the future and in the book, when he suddenly felt Bella tense. He looked down to see that she was reading the part where he so conveniently laid out his suicide plan. Seriously, what was he thinking talking so casually about that to the woman that he knew loved him?
"Edward, you are absolutely not allowed to kill yourself!" Bella shouted, turning to face him. "EVER!"
"Bella..." Edward sighed.
"Promise me that you won't!" Bella said sternly, her voice was firm, her eyes bored into his.
"I can't," Edward said bowing his head.
"Edward," Bella moaned miserably.
"I can't," Edward repeated, "I won't live forever without you... but I'm not ever planning on losing you so this will never come up."
"So if you ever die, you wouldn't mind if I just offed myself?" Bella asked hotly.
"I would mind... and if you're still human at that time, I beg you now not to do that... you could still have a future..." Edward started to say.
"A future without you is no future that I want," Bella said, and then shivered for she remembered that was in a sense what she was about to read. She was going to read about what she would have gone through if he was no longer in her life, if he wasn't her future.
"I know," Edward whispered in her ear soothingly, hugging her tighter to him. "But that's exactly how I feel about you... without you, there is no future..." he added, but he knew if everything worked out as he wanted it to, it would be a lot harder for him to try to die knowing that there was someone else that would depend on him.
Bella carried on reading, resolved to make sure that nothing ever happened to her... a world without Edward in it was a dark and hostile place. She frowned when she got to the party; she really didn't need all the attention that Alice was putting on her. However, she started to really get nervous when she got to the presents, for Edward's whole body seemed to tense and she knew something was going to happen. It confused her at first, why would a party at Edward's house bring on this kind of reaction? However, as she read on, she knew what was going to happen. Sure enough, one of Edward's family members, Jasper to be precise, attacked her.
"Edward," she sighed as she put down the book, having finished that chapter. He was pinching the bridge of his nose, looking more pale than normal.
"It is not any easier reading it a second time," Edward said softly. "Even though I know Jasper would never hurt you," he paused there and looked at Bella with a sincere expression, "you know that right? This will never happen... Jasper will..."
"I know," Bella said, and as he looked in her eyes he didn't see any fear in them. She truly wasn't afraid of something like this happening. She then looked away, and there was an expression of sorrow in her face as she added, "it must have been hard for you to hear this..."
"Hm... you can't imagine," Edward sighed. "Especially since Jasper was the one reading..."
Bella winced at that, feeling worse for the empathic vampire that had to read about his weakness in front of his family... She knew Jasper well enough to know that he wouldn't want that and that was likely some of the reason he was so distant with her in the beginning.
"I would have to say that this was the worst thing that could have ever happened short of you actually getting hurt seriously," Edward said, snapping Bella out of her thoughts. "It was my family, my brother that was the danger to you... it was something that I didn't want to fight..."
"I'm sorry," Bella said leaning against him.
"It's not your fault," Edward sighed, kissing the top of her head.
"Doesn't mean that I can't be sorry about it," Bella sighed, and then she picked up the book again. Now that she was finally reading, she wanted to know what happened next.
"Do you really believe you don't have a soul?" Bella questioned, once again turning to look at him, this time her expression was incredulous.
"You convince me more every day that I am wrong about that," Edward smiled at her. "But yes, before I got these books, I believed we didn't have a soul."
"But your soul is beautiful," Bella said still astounded that he wouldn't know that.
"Beautiful," Edward repeated he wasn't so sure about that. There were a lot of things he had done in the past that marred his soul.
"Edward," Bella rolled her eyes as if she could read his mind, but went with another tack, describing all the reasons why he had a good soul. "Do you really believe that Carlisle has no soul after everything he has done... or Esme... I can't see how you would ever believe that they..."
Bella trailed off there for Edward was chuckling.
"It's not funny, Edward!" Bella huffed.
"Do you know in all of the years that I have been arguing this with Carlisle, he never thought to bring that up?" Edward continued to chuckle, "of course I realized that his soul was in question too, but we had always seemed to talk about my own... but you're right, it's hard to believe that there isn't more for him after all the good he has done in his long life."
Bella was still looking at him with narrowed eyes. He seemed to still be underestimating his own goodness, but she didn't really have time to argue with him. She started to read again, but almost immediately she had things she wanted to make comments on. Like, were his eyes really green when he was human? It was strange that she had never wondered what they had looked like before this, and now all she could think about were piercing green eyes looking at her.
"Did you ever regret what your mom did for you?" she asked, though she was silently thanking Elizabeth Masen for saving her son, for Bella couldn't image what she would do without Edward.
"That's difficult to answer," Edward said thoughtfully. "Before you came... well, my existence was just that... an existence. Now that you're here, I finally have a life. However, even before, I don't believe I regret becoming what I am..."
Bella nodded her head and then started to read again. She didn't say much for the rest of the chapter, though she did grumble when Edward brought up Mike. She knew full well that she would never like Mike that way, and she thought it was ridiculous that Edward thought she could. She was touched by the gift that he gave her, and said that she would love it if he did give her a CD like that.
At the end of the chapter however, she shivered, she didn't like that he was thinking about right and wrong, or more specifically about leaving her when he was holding her. She also didn't like the kiss that was rushed and made it seem like he was never going to kiss her again. She had never been kissed like that, and she prayed that she never would be.
She didn't even pause before going on to the next chapter, and as she read the title, her heart contracted painfully. She knew it was coming, he had warned her, but she couldn't help but feel the pain the words 'The End' caused her.
"It's never going to happen," Edward whispered in her ear and she was able to breathe again.
She continued to read and the farther she got the more she frowned, she looked at Edward with a raised eyebrow. "Why are you prolonging this so much... it's going to be bad enough when you leave..."
Edward winced at the words. "I don't know..."
"I had time to think of the worst thing I could live through..." Bella frowned, and she didn't add that she knew it was going to be worse than that. Edward was beating himself up enough already and she really didn't want to make him more upset than he was right now.
"I'm sorry," Edward said. "I can't really say what I was thinking... but I knew it would be near impossible for me to leave..."
"But you're going to," Bella said in a distant voice. "Or he is at least..."
"True," Edward sighed.
Bella couldn't stand dragging this out any longer than it had to be, so she continued to read. When she read the actual break up, she felt her heart break a little in two. It took her a longer time to process the words for she kept on imaging Edward's voice saying those things to her. Though, she couldn't get his voice to sound like him in her head.
"How could I believe that?" Bella questioned, looking angrily at the book. Her voice was thick with the tears she wanted to shed.
"Believe what?" Edward questioned.
"That you didn't care about me... that this was just some kind of fling?" Bella said. "You just told me a few days ago that you would kill yourself if you had to live without me."
"Hm..." Edward said, almost smirking at his question. "I didn't think I would be on this side of the argument... I was actually hoping to hear what you thought about this."
"Well, I can't help you there, because I wouldn't let you leave that easily," Bella said confidently.
"I won't want to leave," Edward smiled at her.
Bella's next question, however, wiped the smile off of his face. "Why are you making light of our relationship anyway? Why couldn't you just tell me that you were leaving to try to protect me?"
"I thought you would be able to get over me easier if you believed that I didn't love you," Edward flinched when he said those words and Bella copied him when she heard it. "That you would believe that nothing was going happen in the future. If you knew that I still loved you and was just trying to protect you from myself, my family and my kind, you would never be able to let me go."
"At least in that scenario I would know that you loved me," Bella frowned. "That I didn't have to believe that I had deluded myself into believing that you loved me... I would know that you cared."
Edward sighed, perhaps it would have been healthier if he had done that, not that it mattered now, he was never going to leave. He rested his head against her cheek and whispered, "Would you have tried to move on... find a future with a normal man... if I had said that?"
"There is no moving on... no matter what you say, I don't think I could move on, Edward," Bella shook her head. "You're in all of my thoughts... my dreams... you're my future... if that suddenly just disappeared..." her voice broke as she said this and she shook her head. She knew it would be hard for her to just breathe without him there.
They just sat there not saying anything for a few minutes, but Bella forced herself to start to read again. Like ripping off a bandage, she thought it would hurt less if she got it over with quickly. She wasn't sure if that was true, for it hurt a lot to continue to read. Hearing him promise that it would be as if he never existed sent a chill down her spine.
"You shouldn't have said that," she mumbled, and he seemed to know what she was talking about. "I need to remember you, Edward... if you just disappear... I'm not sure if I could believe that you were ever real in the first place."
"I sorry," Edward groaned, "I didn't know what to say... I didn't know how to act. Usually when we leave our home, we make sure that there is no evidence of us, that way in time they would forget about us altogether..."
"I don't think it's the same with a girlfriend who knows what you are," Bella said almost coldly.
"I'm sorry," Edward bowed his head and she leaned back into his chest.
"It's okay," Bella sighed and started reading again. She was hurt, but not surprised when the rest of Edward's family left too. She knew they must, but it didn't make it easier to hear. She groaned when her book self ran after Edward in the woods. She knew that was a stupid thing to do, but she couldn't blame her for doing that. If Edward had promised to disappear she would do anything to keep that from happening.
She was shocked when she was found by the wolves, or more specifically Sam, and even more when she heard there were three of them there.
"I thought that I become friends with Jacob before he turns into a werewolf?" Bella said, looking at Edward questioningly.
"You did?" Edward's looked mirrored hers before he looked at the book. "Oh... you mean that. No, the third werewolf wasn't Jacob... it's a kid named Paul."
"So you mean more werewolves are going to transform?" Bella sighed, she didn't know who this Paul guy was, but she felt sorry for him."
"He'll probably be going through his transformation soon." Edward frowned, which just caused Bella to sigh, before she read more.
Bella couldn't help but feel embarrassed and yet grateful for the concern that Charlie was showing her. It was nice knowing how much he loved her, and she made up her mind that she would make something nice for him for dinner tonight.
However, she didn't know if she could manage that as the end of the chapter seemed to send her off in despair. How could he just take her possessions like that? She wanted to remember him, why wasn't she allowed to remember him? And even if she couldn't stand to look at the picture, he should have left it to her to deal with that... she was capable of hiding them on her own.
Though it was the last words, that she was drowning and she didn't resurface that sent a chill down her spine. They were now getting to the part that she was most afraid of reading. The part without Edward… the part where she tried to survive without her heart.
A/N: So I didn't get as far as I thought I would in this chapter... sorry, but for some reason I just couldn't sit down and write this whole chapter. However, don't worry; I'm not going to make it four weeks in a row that you have to read the books. I'm going to post the rest of New Moon, no matter how long it is, on Tuesday and then I'll post Eclipse on Friday like normal.