It starts small. Just little things that she doesn't notice at first.
Blair is tired, more tired than she ever thought possible. Gigi, as they've taken to calling Guilietta, seems like she doesn't really need sleep and Blair finds herself learning how the city sounds at three AM as she holds her tiny baby girl and tries not to let her eyes droop, longing for the kind of deep blissful sleep that would be followed by Dan's homemade scramble and a cup of strong coffee. Instead she stumbles to the breakfast table, grabbing a piece of bacon and tries not to snap at Dan.
Everything annoys her lately. His damn earnestness. The concern he shows for her. Blair wants to be left alone, no baby, no husband, just quiet and entirely alone. She wants the life she had before back and she wants to not feel so irritated by the one person who means the world to her.
"It's how it is B," Serena sighs over the phone, "I don't know how I made it through those early days without killing someone. Poor Nate, he was walking on pins and needles all the time."
Blair wants to cry. She loves Gigi so much that it hurts but this sweet baby is also sucking everything that she has to give out of her.
Dorota is worried. She hovers and clucks. Dan says they could get a night nanny, but that would mean someone else taking care of the baby and Blair feels like that would be the first step to the life she promised Gigi she would never give her. A childhood without parents, with staff around all of the time. She smiles at him and tells him that she'll be okay. This will get better. It has to get better.
Dan is teaching at NYU. He comes home after classes full of stories of how he's reaching his students, wanting to talk to her about ideas he has for his next lesson, and Blair tries to keep her eyes open, tries to look interested. He wants to tell her all about what's going on in his world and she wants him to just hold her and not talk, but she can't say that.
He's immersed in his writing, doing something he loves, and she feels her life rapidly slipping away. Waldorf Designs continues to chug along, Natasha meeting with her weekly as Blair nurses the baby and tries to take notes with one hand, but she feels more and more that she's not really needed. They have a new designer, the first one she didn't hand pick. And after all, Natasha says smiling, she's a mother now.
Blair's smile back doesn't quite reach her eyes.
It had started small the last time, little things that she only saw in hindsight. The small things seemed like they were back. Work that needed to be finished and he just couldn't bring home, Dan gently waking her from where she'd fallen asleep on the couch, Gigi in the bassinette finally asleep, looking sheepish and apologizing for missing dinner. He'd wanted to finish grading his latest round of papers before he came home. He hadn't wanted to bother her and the baby.
Just like Chuck. Late business meetings. The stench of after hours clubs, cigarettes and cigars. Telling her that she would just be bored if she joined him. Nights sitting alone, staring out at New York's skyline. Except last time she hadn't cared enough to notice until everything was mostly over anyway.
She takes Gigi out for walks, pushing her fancy stroller through Central Park, Dorota at her side, carrying the overloaded diaper bag, and Blair has this sense that after all she's worked for in life, after getting her career and then finding love, this is all that she really has left. She's another UES mother pushing her infant through the park with her staff by her side. No more fashion week. No more design sketches. No more international business deals. No more date nights and movies and museum visits. Dan was teaching and she was being a mother and that was all that was left.
"This will pass," Serena promised her as she sat in the nursery trying to talk to Blair and redirect Grace away from something moderately breakable at the same time. S was sitting crosslegged, her blond hair up in a messy ponytail, her eyes full of sympathy and a pacifier on a chain pinned to her shirt. The image was almost enough to make Blair laugh. "Nate did the same thing when Gracey was born. Stayed at the office too long. I think everything at home was too intense for him. I was so tired and snappy and the baby wouldn't let her hold him, and…," Serena paused and looked at Blair with so much love and kindness, smiling. "Can you believe where we are?"
Blair knew what she meant. After all those years, here they were sitting on the floor of her nursery with the girls, and they would grow up together and be friends, maybe even best friends. A whole new of Queen Bs to rule the Upper East Side, except Blair hoped Guillianna and Grace would find a little more kindness than she and S. had. Blair smiled as a thought crossed her mind.
"Our little Queen G's, right?"
Serena laughed, "But seriously B, this is hard stuff. It's not like our parents who just handed us off to nannies and staff and sent us to boarding school so they could vacation in St. Bart's. I mean, can you see Eleanore having anything helpful to say right now?"
Blair snorted a little, imagining the que horror that would happen if Eleanore got spit up on her expensive suit. Grandmere Eleanore was most likely going to be the kind of grandparent who sent presents and visited once a year, expecting perfectly behaved children. She would grandparent the same way she parented; from a distance.
"Luckily Rufus and Lily aren't my mother."
"I know," Serena coo'd as she smiled about her mother and step father. "I'm so lucky, I mean we're so lucky on that part."
Rufus and Lily had given Dan and Blair the perfect amount of space and support, somehow magically showing up with dinner in hand on the nights Dorota was off, knowing when Gigi needed her mama and papa and handing her back just as her little face started to screw up into another loud squall, and magically exiting to give the new parents some time to figure out this parenting thing without other people around. They had brought presents and toys and clearly were enjoying their second grandchild.
Blair feels better after talking to Serena, feels like this too will pass, until the next night when Dan is late again and she tells Dorota to put his dinner plate in the fridge, then pads up to the bedroom that is adjoined to the nursery, praying for maybe three or four hours of sleep before her baby girl wakes yet again. For the first time in a long time Blair cries herself to sleep.
Small things become bigger. Bigger, as in a full-sized co-ed Blair finds when she returns from her walk with Gigi and Dorota one afternoon. She's surprised to hear the deep rumble of Dan's voice as the elevator doors slide open and her heart leaps as she realizes that he must be home early today. She's about to call out his name, tell him his family is home, when she hears a higher pitched female voice followed by a tinkling laugh. Blair swallows as her mouth goes dry and she takes Gigi from the stroller, holding her close as if the tiny girl from protect her from any danger.
Blair had looked at herself before going to the park, noting the dark circles around her eyes, the pallor of her skin. She is grateful that she managed to shower that morning, but still feel deeply self-conscious and even a little frumpy as she walks into the dining room where the voices are coming from and finds Dan sitting in one of the chairs, a young, blonde woman leaning over him.
"Hey," Blair says softly.
Dan looks up at the sound of her voice and his face lights up at the sight of his wife and child standing in the doorway. The co-ed, who is blond and leaning too close to her husband, steps back a little, a look of disappointment crossing her face but she quickly covers it up with a brilliant but fake smile. Dan stands up, pushing his chair back and crosses the room to take the baby in his arms, giving Blair a quick peck on the cheek, then making funny noises at Gigi who gurgles and smiles up at him. Blair stands watching them as the other woman in the room shifts her weight, looking a little uncomfortable. Blair clears her throat.
"Oh!" Dan says, and Blair knows that he's just forgotten to make introductions, and no matter how close the co-ed leans into him, it's clear that Professor Humphrey has eyes only for his family. "This is Courtney. She's my TA."
Courtney flips her long blond hair over her shoulder and extends a hand to Blair. Blair takes it and grips it firmly. She has nothing to worry about.
Still…
It's not what Dan does. It's what Blair does. She lets these moments eat at her and more and more she starts to feel alone. More and more she starts to feel like this is what happened with Chuck all over again, except this time she will not survive if everything falls apart. But she has to, because it's not just her anymore and she won't' have the luxury of recovering on the coast of Portugal.
Then everything falls apart.
It actually starts off as a good day. Gigi wakes Blair early and she's drinking coffee when Dan stumbles downstairs. He tells he might be working late again and she says something about keeping his dinner warm for him. He gets showered and dressed and he smells so good that Blair holds him longer than she should, and Dan laughs at her telling her that the car is waiting to take him to NYU. She looks at him, searching his eyes.
"I love you, you know," Blair says softly, smoothing the lapels of his corduroy blazer complete with elbow patches. "And all of this, it's going to get better. That's what Serena says."
Dan laughs a little, "So does Nate." Blair smiles because she's happy Dan has been talking to his friend, commiserating in the same way she's been leaning on Serena for support. It's like they're in this together instead of moving forward separately, which has been what things have felt like lately.
"I know things have been hard," Dan continues, his hand tracing the corners of her eyes, a thumb brushing her lips, "But we don't have to do this alone. We can get help. There are people who stay with babies overnight. You can get some sleep."
Blair feels the tears start up again.
"And it doesn't mean that we've failed. We're not going to be the same people your parents were, leaving you alone, not wanting to take the time to be present," Dan whispers, "I promise you, it's okay to get some help."
Blair is crying now. She wraps her arms around him, burying her head into his chest.
"What would I do without you?" She mumbles, words muffled by his button-up shirt, the plastic buttons hard against her cheek.
"You'd have less obnoxious plaid in your life, Waldorf" Dan jokes as he pulls away from her a little, a hand going ot her chin, tipping her face up to look up into his. Blair smiles.
"Everyone needs less plaid in their life, Humphrey."
He tells her he's not going to stay late after all. He can bring his papers home. They can have dinner together. Blair smiles. Things feel better.
She's light the rest of the day, happy. They go for their daily walk in the park, Dorota huffing besides Blair, Gigi staring up at the leaves rustling in the wind, fascinated by the light. They stop at the duck pond and Dorota magically produces a bag of bread all while suggesting to Blair that her tradition of feeding the ducks is harming urban wildlife. They sit on a bench while Gigi nurses, talking about what Dorota had heard on NPR that morning and how college was going for her oldest, and the other day her youngest had come home wearing a Waldorf Designs she'd picked up at a thrift store. Blair makes a mental note to invite Dorota's daughter to her next sample sale. She really needs to give more to the woman who is almost equal to Dan and Guilliana in her life.
The sky clouds over and some rain drops start to sprinkle on the sidewalk so Blair and Dorota head back. It's getting close to dinner time anyway, and Dan has said he'll be back to eat with them, so Blair doesn't want to be late. By the time they return to the penthouse it's a true New York City downpour and Dorota somehow magically produces two umbrellas to keep them from getting entirely soaked. She shakes them out when they step into the foyer and takes them to the back to open and dry.
Gigi starts crying and Blair leans over the stroller, unstrapping her and holding her small, soft body to her chest, making shushing noises and shifting her weight back and forth. The baby starts to cry harder and Blair starts to bounce her up and down, walking back and forth across the foyer. She glances at the clock on the wall. Dan should be home any minute now.
"Just something quick for dinner," Blair calls after Dorota, still bouncing Gigi. "Maybe some of the lasagne from the other night."
Dorota doesn't reply and Blair things she must not have heard her over the crying. She walks towards the closet where Dorota usually leaves the umbrellas.
"And maybe some dessert. I think Dan would love some of your homemade banana bread if you've made any lately."
Her shoes click on the marble floors and Blair rounds the corner and screams. The baby startles at the loud sound Blair makes and stops crying and for a moment everything is deadly silent.
Dorota is on the floor, her jacket still on, the two umbrellas lying askew in puddles of rainwater. For a moment Blair can't make sense of what she's looking at. Why is Dorota on the floor. Is she tired? Taking a nap? She feels like she's standing there, staring, waiting for Dorota to get up, smile at her, smooth her uniform, tell her it's a joke. Then slowly the realization leaks in that this is not a joke. Something is terribly terribly wrong.
Blair is shaking so hard she's afraid she'll drop the baby, her mind is racing. What should she do. Phone. She should call someone one. Call the police. Call 911. She need an ambulance, she needs someone to help Dorota. Dorota. What if she's already dead. What if she loses the person who has been by her side for her entire life. She's gripping her iPhone but her hands are shaking so hard she can't unlock it, then she realizes she can make an emergency call and she's surprised she can even do that.
"My maid," she gasps at the operator, "She's fainted, or something, or maybe she's dead, please help me! PLEASE!"
The voice on the other end is calm, asking her questions. First what is her address. Blair gives it to them. The voice tells her they have a unit very close. Did she see her fall. No. Is there any blood? No. Can she do CPR. Blair feels tears run down her face.
"I'm holding a baby. I'm holding my fucking baby. I can't help her."
The voice tells her to say on the phone, that the unit has arrived at her building. It keeps talking to her, telling her someone will be there soon. It feels like hours have passed although it's probably only been a few minutes, and Blair hears the ding of the elevator and feet rushing in. She yells out, telling them where she is, and seconds later two figures push her aside and someone is taking Gigi out of her arms and asking if she's okay, and she nods. But Dorota. She glances over and sees that they've turned her on her back and one of the medics is pushing on her chest.
"Do you want to call someone," a woman asks her, the one holding the baby. Blair nods.
"My...my husband." she holds up her phone, her hand still shaking, and her brain can't quite figure out what to do with it. The woman takes it gently out of her hand.
"The code?" she asks. Blair things that she shouldn't tell her but she tells her anyway. "His name?"
"Dan, Dan Humphrey,"
He's not home yet and she thinks she might catch him in the town car, or a taxi if that's how he's getting home. She doesn't know what she's going to say. Something happened to Dorota. She might be dead. She just wants to hear his voice, have him tell her it's okay.
The phone rings. Once. Twice. It picks up and a voice answers, "hello."
A female voice.
TBC