DISCLAIMER: No matter how much I want it, I do not own Naruto. I am still only borrowing the characters and promise to return them in good condition – well, maybe slightly battered!

Chapter Twenty-Two:

Have you Herd the News?

Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

~Pink~

Naruto had just ducked the punch Sasuke sent at his face and followed it with a quick leg sweep. He was about block Sasuke's next kick when the senbon pierced the fleshy part of his arm.

"Dammit!" he yelled, losing his concentration and taking the full punishing force of the kick in his abdomen. He looked up to see Sasuke also pulling a senbon from his thigh and Sai, one from his neck.

"Mah boys, what have I told you all about always being conscious of your surroundings?"

"Kakashi Sensei," began Sai politely, "Must you really use live weapons? Can you not throw a stick or a rock or anything less painful?"

"Eh…pain is a great motivator," he said without looking up from his book.

"So is a candy bar," muttered Naruto under his breath, "Man, I hate his idea of awareness training."

Their training continued for another hour under the watchful eye of Kakashi. Well, they assumed it was watchful (he never once looked up from his book) as he always seemed to know when one of them made a mistake and threw quite a few more senbon with unerring accuracy.

They flopped down on one of the few patches of cool grass that had survived against bolts of lightning, fire, torrents of water, or gouging by their practice. Each boy looked as though he had the chicken pox with all the little red marks covering his skin. Sasuke rubbed his sore arm and gave his sensei a decidedly evil look. Much as he hated to admit it, towards the end of the session he was acutely aware of everything that happened around him in the colophony of sounds that goes along with ninja training.

Kakashi strolled towards them nonchalantly with his hands in his pockets. "Done resting yet?" he asked, "Because I have a little something for the team."

Sai, unable to muster any enthusiasm after the grueling training, grunted. Naruto quickly sat up and asked, "What is it?"

The copy-nin pulled a scroll from one of his many pockets and held it teasingly above them. "How about your first mission?" He turned and walked away, shooting them an eye-smile and adding, "Unless you're too tired…"

Naruto, up first and running after him asked, "Really? Our first mission…what is it? Something really cool, right?" Not able to contain his eagerness, he bounced on the balls of his feet and grinned widely. Sai got up and looked with interest at their Sensei while Sasuke made a noise that, after many years of having the boy hanging around his son, come to understand was his translation of excitement.

Sasuke caught the scroll that sailed above them and quickly read it, the usually impassive mask turning to disgust. Naruto and Sai, reading over his shoulders, had matching expressions.

Kakashi grinned and tousled each of the boys' hair, causing Naruto to give an offended protest, Sasuke to glare indignantly, and Sai to give him a blank look.

"Milking cows?" Naruto asked in disbelief. "Our first mission is to milk cows? Seriously? What kind of ninja milks cows?"

"The genin kind," responded Kakashi dryly.

"Aaaww…"

"Ninja don't whine."

Naruto huffed, "No, they fight bandits, protect princesses, and infiltrate enemy strongholds, but they do… not… milk… cows!" He punctuated each word with a fist smacking the palm of his hand. The jonin was not impressed.

"He is right, Kakashi Sensei. The functions of the shinobi include espionage, sabotage, infiltration, and assassination, and open combat in certain situations. I have never heard of a shinobi being required to work with bovine as part of a mission."

He gave them an eye-smile and asked, "Naruto, do you remember the book on economics that I made you read?"

The blonde huffed, "Yeah, how could I forget that one? One of my clones threatened to commit ritual suicide because of it. You made me read it over and over until I knew all of it and could answer all your questions."

"Then you know why milk is important to our village."

"Yeah, but why do we have to do it?"

"It's a tradition going way back to the founding of Konohagakure…plus it's just a fun way to torture genin," he teased.

~~O~~

Kakashi took Sai and Sasuke over to a waiting farmer, handed them stools and buckets and waved goodbye with an eye-smile.

The farmhand looked the two boys up and down doubtfully. "You two look a little scrawny, are you sure you're capable of doing this? We usually get older, bigger genin to do the milking."

Insulted, Sasuke held his tongue. Sai commented, "You need not concern yourself. We are more than resilient enough to accomplish this task if you would just provide detailed instructions."

"Heh?"

"Show us how to do it," muttered Sasuke.

~~O~~

Naruto was led over to another barn where a farmer was working. It was filled with cattle that seemed to be pacing around, getting up, and lying down repeatedly. His father led him to one of the stalls with the order, "Go to it."

Naruto blinked.

The words sunk in and his eyes grew wide. "But…but…but…," he said squeamishly. Kakashi had to be kidding…

"You know what to do, pup." He grabbed a pair of long shoulder gloves hanging from the wall and tossed them to the genin. "Remember what I told you a long time ago; the Hokage needs to know a lot more than ninja skills like taijutsu and ninjutsu to be a great leader."

Recollections of all the books his clones had read flashed in his head. Somehow he never, ever thought he would have to put the knowledge of that one to use. He turned, looked at the cow and swallowed down the bile.

A yellowish spherical water sac was hanging down from her vulva. His face turned a bit green, but when the heifer mooed out in pain, his jaw tightened in determination. Naruto took off his jacket and put the gloves on. He put some lubricant on the gloves and reached inside the heifer to see how the calf was positioned. "This is so gross," he muttered as he felt around.

Kakashi never looked up from his book as he replied, "Someone has to do it."

~~O~~

Sai studied the animal in front of him. He squatted down and looked at the underside before he turned around and lifted his brow at Sasuke. "Are you sure it is not disrespectful to be doing this?"

Sasuke controlled the urge to shoot a ball of fire at his annoying brother. He wondered what Naruto was doing and thought with a hint of jealousy that it was probably something better than this. "Then again," he thought with a grimace, "Kakashi Sensei pushes him harder than Sai and I. Maybe he's doing something worse…although what could be worse than this…?"

"For the last time, Aho, they aren't breasts, they're teats. You're supposed to put your hands on them. Stop being such a baby and milk that damn cow. We've got about a hundred more to go." He huffed in annoyance and turned back to the cow waiting patiently for him to begin. "This sucks," he thought.

Sai gave a big sigh and sat down on his stool. He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped down the udder before gingerly grasping them with his hands. "There is just something so wrong with this," he thought.

~~O~~

"This is so…so…squishy…"

"Ninja don't whine."

The sac burst and the most disgusting blood tinged muck rained down on him, soaking him to the skin. "I just wish it could have been Sasuke." With a grimace, he ignored the wetness and pressed on. "…or better yet Sai. You know how prissy he can be…" He grinned widely as he pictured Sai with his arms buried up to his armpits inside a cow's girlie parts.

Dammit…a tail…

"…And I'm not whining… I'm simply stating a fact."

His arms were in the cow so deep; his face was pressed up against her rump. She was very close. Her tail lifted up and Naruto gulped in fear. "Oh Kami, please don't take a dump on me!" He closed his eyes in expectation, but nothing happened so he pushed the calf forward into the uterus as much as he could and brought the hind legs up so that they were positioned in the birth canal. Then Naruto put the rope on the calf's legs and started to pull while the cow strained and rested when she stopped.

With a big wet splash, the calf slipped out and landed on him. He wiggled out from under it and checked it over. Finding it wasn't breathing yet, he cleaned out the calf's nose with his fingers to get all the amniotic fluid out. Praying he wouldn't have to perform artificial respiration to get it breathing (No way did he want to put his lips on a cow's mouth), he tickled its nose with a clean piece of straw and then put some water in its ears to make it shake its head. The calf sucked in a great rush of air and let out a moo.

After three hours and four calves later, he was done. "Yeah!" he shouted, "I did it! That's right, future Hokage, Naruto Uzumaki is awesome!"

"Hn… The future Hokage, Naruto Uzumaki smells like the inside of a cow…"

Naruto turned around to find Sasuke and Sai leaning against the pen watching him in amusement. They had seen their brother stick his arms into a cow's girl parts and pull out a calf. His face turned tomato red as he slapped his hands over his eyes. He was so getting it later, he just knew it…

~~O~~

He felt so disgusting. His hair was stiff with afterbirth and blood and his mouth still tasted vile. No matter how many times he spit, he couldn't get rid of the taste. It didn't take them long at all. They had barely begun the walk home when Sasuke gave him a snarky grin.

"Don't cry over spilled milk, baka."

"Shut up Teme."

"What's the matter Naruto? Are you in a bad moo-d?"

"Shut up Aho."

"It is okay Cow-boy, just ignore Sasuke. You should always turn the udder cheek and moove on."

"Shut up Aho."

"No, I believe he should seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!"

"Shut up Teme."

"I don't know. I've always been told that it's better to be seen and not herd."

"Shut up Aho."

"That's right baka; never take any bull from anybody." With a wide grin, he added, "And don't forget to cownt your blessings every day…"

"Shut up Teme."

"When we get home, we should have a campout and roast mooshmallows."

"Oh now that was just lame!"

"What is the matter? Aren't you amoosed… as your brother, I must remind you that you should honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives."

"Shut up Aho."

"Is this a private conversation, or can I horn in?" Kakashi just couldn't resist; he had to say it, "Cud you two knock it off, I've had too much calfeine today and I'm in a rare mood. Stop ribbing poor Naruto. He shouldn't be made a laughing stock."

…

…

"I hate you all."

~~O~~

As the village gates came into view, Naruto almost froze on the spot. Sakura and her team were also entering. He couldn't believe his rotten luck… his crush… and here he was, covered from head to toe in cow gunk…

"Shit," he groaned under his breath.

Sasuke smirked; sure that Sakura would snub his brother and prove him right about her. He glanced to the right and faltered at the downcast look on the blonde's face. Stepping closer, he bumped his shoulder against Naruto.

Sai too heard the whispered comment and, in a rare moment of understanding, instantly figured out why as he caught sight of team four; Sakura, Heirī, Shēn, and their Sensei, Genma. In a sudden move that surprised even himself, he henged.

Sasuke, briefly taken aback by Sai's correct decision, quickly followed suit.

Teams four and seven converged upon the gate at the same time. As Genma and Kakashi greeted each other and entered the village, Sakura's gaze lit on the three. She gasped, "What happened? Are you all okay?" she rushed over to Naruto and tried to check him out, but he held out his hand to stop her.

His face flamed red in embarrassment as he explained, "We're all right Sakura-chan, just don't come any closer. It's not our blood, but we really smell bad right now."

"Are you sure?" she asked after trying unsuccessfully to cover her mouth and nose with her hand without him noticing. "Whose blood is it?"

"Cow," grunted Sasuke.

"Cow's blood? Why are you covered in cow's blood?"

Naruto stuttered, "Oh umm… well you see…"

Sai stepped forward and announced, "Today our mission was to ensure that future generations of Konoha would neither go hungry nor thirsty. We were successful in our endeavors; however it was not an effortless or sanitary task."

"Wow," replied Sakura with a confused frown, "So what exactly did you do?"

Naruto stuttered again, "Oh umm… well you see…"

"We milked cows and birthed calves," said Sasuke flatly, daring her to say something derogatory.

Dead silence met that statement before Shēn sniggered. Sakura, however, totally ignored her rude teammate and let out a squeal. "Aww, that's so sweet! Baby calves are so sweet and cute! Did you really help?"

Shēn crowed, "So that's what all over you three…afterbirth! What's the matter with you all? Are you all in a bad moo-d?"

Sasuke stared at him impassively while Sai commented in a polite tone, "You are impolite, uncouth, vulgar, and just pain boorish. I might add that you are not funny as well. I do not like you."

"Yeah," shouted Naruto with a grin, "The last time I saw something like you, I flushed it."

The teenager bristled and took a threatening step closer to them. "I've heard about your team. The village idiot," he looked at Naruto, "A traitor's son," he glared at Sasuke, who gave him a withering look in return. "And you," he turned and looked at Sai with loathing, "You're the son of the two most sick and twisted people in the Land of Fire."

Sasuke's eyes closed to mere slits and darkened with rancor. Sai's face revealed nothing, but inside he boiled in anger. Naruto let out a small growl and took a step forward. Before any could respond, Sakura moved between them.

She clenched her fists and gritted her teeth. She had never been so embarrassed to be a part of team four before this moment. Sakura hissed, "You never learn, do you Shēn? These guys can hand you your ass and I'd be happy to watch it. Anko was my sensei; she is one of the strongest kunoichi in this village and the other things you said about team seven are just wrong. Sometimes I wonder if your ass is jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth."

Sai replied blandly, "While we may indeed be all that, Shēn, at least we are not a miserable excuse for a Konoha shinobi like you."

"Don't say anything to him;" responded Sasuke, "It would only be a waste of time. It's obvious that his parents are closely related."

"True… his genetics have probably put him through enough suffering."

Just then Kakashi's voice drifted over them, barely loud enough to be heard, "Team seven."

Naruto taunted, "Come by our training grounds any time you feel lucky and we'll show you just how weak we are."

They snapped to attention and hurried over to the copy-nin, awaiting new orders with solemn expressions at Kakashi's softly uttered words. The senbon held between Genma's lips nearly fell as he gaped. "How do you get them to do that?"

"Do what?"

"That." Genma waved his hand at the genin and said longingly. "Listen to you."

"Mah, with the right motivation," replied Kakashi with an eye smile.

"And what's that?"

"They listen and I don't make them run a hundred laps around Konoha."

The trio shared grimaces at the eternal laps they had to run every morning and the intense training afterwards. Every night they fell into exhausted slumbers. They all knew why Kakashi did it so they didn't complain.

They all knew they would rather be tired than suffer through nightmares.

Kakashi grinned at them through his mask. Dismissing the boys with the comment, "You all smell. Go home and take very long baths," he and Genma turned and walked towards the Hokage tower to turn in their reports.

Looking at their blood covered henges, Naruto began to blink hard and look at the ground to avoid their eyes. He opened his mouth to say something, but Sasuke cut him off before he could. He said simply, "It's what brothers do."

"Yes Cow-boy, get a moove on. You stink."

"Moo," said Sasuke with a smirk.

The weather had a distinct chill in the air as autumn was slowly dying and winter was making its way to Konoha. He shivered in his damp clothes, but felt warm at the same time. As they parted ways, Naruto couldn't help but smile at the love he felt for his brothers. Now he just had to think up a great way to get even…

AN:

Shout out to my beta, THECOOKIEMONSTER77.

Thanks to everyone that followed/favorited/commented on the last chapter! Shout out to the guests that I couldn't respond to personally, Gamma89, stephanie, and unnamed Guest.

Ja Ne,

AZFAERYDUST