DISCLAIMER: No matter how much I want it, I do not own Naruto. I am still only borrowing the characters and promise to return them in good condition – well, maybe slightly battered!

Hopefully everyone had a frightfully wonderful Halloween - my favorite holiday. As Sai would say - a certain day of the year when children have the odd custome of garbing themselves in costumes and traipsing about demanding sugary sweets accompanied by thinly veiled threats of vandalism against one's personal property. .

Chapter Twenty-Three:

'D' is for Disaster

Thank the thinkers that think

they thunk the thoughts that theorized,
Idolized or despised,

Bet I'm gettin' recognized.

~Bloodhound Gang~

Sai, Sasuke, and Naruto arrived at the training grounds before the sun had even risen. Kakashi trained them every morning for several hours, took them on the worst 'D' ranks he could find in the afternoon, and then made them do strength and speed training the rest of the day. Each night, they went home in an extreme state of exhaustion.

Still half-asleep, Sai opened his pack and handed out the food he'd made for them. Tiredly, they ate without any conversation. During that entire time, Sasuke kept eyeing Naruto surreptitiously as he quietly ate.

Finally deciding that he just wasn't absolutely certain if Naruto was the real Naruto, he struck.

"DAMN IT!" yelled Naruto as he rubbed his head, "What the hell what that for, teme?"

"I had to make sure that you weren't a clone again," he said with a shrug. "You were being just too quiet. That's not like you."

"Once… I did that once," muttered the blonde. "Are you ever going to let that go? I'm tired okay!" he gave Sasuke a glare and added, "And I can too be quiet you know."

"You can be quiet?" asked Sai.

"Shut up Aho." Naruto leaned against the tree he was sitting next to and within seconds, fell fast asleep. Not even the chill morning air or dewy grass could keep him awake, for the next thing he knew, he was being jerked awake by Sasuke's annoyed voice.

"Wake up dobe."

"Huh… wha… where am I?"

"You were the one that wanted us to meet this early so get the hell up."

"Umm okay… What were we going to talk about?"

"I don't know. You said something about wanting to talk."

"Oh right…" Naruto rubbed his eyes and stood to wake himself fully. "This bites! We've done like twenty-five missions this week and they've all been lame. We need to demand a better mission; at least a 'C' rank."

"No, it's only been twelve."

"It still bites."

Sai nodded. "Kakashi Sensei said that we only have to do twenty total before we move on to a higher one and we have performed a significantly higher amount than that."

Just then, they all heard the telltale sound of leaves crunching underfoot and saw a shadow move within the tree line. They all tensed in readiness. Sai was the first to relax.

"I think you're admirer is back Naruto," stated Sai calmly.

Naruto rolled his eyes, not needing to look to know who it was. He'd been following him a good potion of almost every day since they returned to Konoha. He found it a little flattering, but also bewildering. Why that kid decided to look up to him above the rest of his team was a mystery, but he had tried in vain to ignore it.

Sasuke smirked. "Aw, isn't that sweet… Naruto has a fan."

"Yeah, isn't that just great, you get cute little fan girls and I get a fan boy." His eyes widened as he glanced over to the boy. Now there were three of them. "Oh Kami, I think they're duplicating," said Naruto in disbelief and a touch of amazement.

"Hn." The smirk rapidly faded from Sasuke's face and he dejectedly slumped a bit. "They do seem to do that."

"Well, at least mine are just little kids," he said with a sly smile at Sasuke. "There's nothing wrong with a little hero worship… you know, cause I'm so awesome."

"Well, Princess Perky, have you any ideas on how to get rid of them?"

Naruto cringed at the new nickname. He quickly came up with an idea. "Seals off guys… we're gonna have a little fun. Anyone have any tags on them? It's time for everybody to be up, wouldn't you say?"

Sasuke caught on right away and scowled. "This isn't going to help us get any higher ranked missions you know."

"Oh I don't know… after this, I think they may be a bit eager for us to go on a longer mission."

An hour later, a large chain of explosions rocked the village awake. Anbu rushed over to the Hokage's tower where three small figures were tied up together with a large orange bow. Konohamaru wriggled and squirmed, but couldn't get loose. He turned his face up the masked nin standing sternly above him and smiled toothily at him. "My rival got the best of me today," he said worshipfully, "But he's still the coolest ninja alive!"

~~O~~

Team seven returned to their training grounds with huge grins on their faces. Messing with those kids made them forget about their worries for awhile. Knowing that Kakashi would be joining them soon, they began to warm up. All was quiet, until Sai broke the silence.

"By the way, Princess Perky, I thought you might like to know that you were wrong. Girls do not like it when you pull their hair and say 'giddy-up horsey' to them. As a matter of fact, they get a bit mean when you do it to them."

Naruto hid his smirk and asked, "Huh, really? Are you sure?"

"Yes. Ino Yamanaka was quite adamant about it."

"Oh, what did she do?"

Sai held up his hand and extended his fingers. "She broke my ring and index finger. It was a good thing I was able to heal them or I wouldn't be able to paint anymore."

"Um Sai… maybe you shouldn't mess with Ino anymore," said Naruto, beginning to feel a little guilty. "She is our friend you know… it's not really nice to be playing these pranks on her."

"Why are you telling me this?"

Naruto deadpanned, "I don't know, sometimes your movements are so lifelike; I forget you're not a real boy."

"Well then Dickless, have you any other suggestions?"

"You know what?" he asked, no longer feeling guilty, "I do. Girls absolutely love this thing called a swirly..."

~~O~~

Deep into their spar, they didn't hear Kakashi approach. The ground beneath them softened and then muddied.

They didn't realize it quickly enough.

Sasuke brought his fist back and dropped in low. The other genin thought he was going for a long straight right. He went for the obvious counter and was completely shocked when Sasuke came up with a hard left upper cut that smashed into his jaw and sent him disappearing in a puff of smoke. The real Naruto blocked Sai's high kick with his hand and yelled to Sasuke, "Nice one teme… you're finally getting better at being unpredictable."

Sasuke smirked. Although he was good, in a strictly taijutsu match with his brother, Naruto, he totally ruled. It was only during their more wild sessions where anything goes where he had problems. Naruto was just too chaotic to spar against without using his Sharingan.

Just as Sasuke was about to take on two more of Naruto's clones, the ground completely dissolved from under the trio's feet and they were all left floundering in a massive marsh of thick oozing mud.

"Mah boys, what have I told you all about always being conscious of your surroundings? You keep doing the same thing over and over. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth."

"Stunningly ambiguous as always. I suppose you think it makes you dark and mysterious, Kakashi Sensei," said Sasuke with a frown.

"Oh, but I am dark and mysterious."

Three sets of glaring eyes pierced through the trees and set upon the lazily grinning jonin leaning against the wide trunk. Naruto snorted, "You know, it's hard to give a good comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Are you finally going to get us a good mission?"

Kakashi smiled and nodded. "I just might have a very special mission for you three today."

Sai swiftly raced through hand seals and solidified the earth. The all stood on the hardpan, sweating and breathing hard from their intense workout. "We are covered in filth, Kakashi Sensei. Maybe we can clean up first?" He grabbed a handful of the mud from his neck and flung it to the ground.

A strange glint sparkled in Kakashi's eye. Naruto, recognizing that look, yelled "No-no-no wait…!"

Too late. A pounding rush of freezing cold water hit them with enough force to slam them into the ground. While Naruto himself had used this technique against an enemy, he had never had one used against him. Now he understood the full devastating effects of a water jutsu done at the hands of an elite jonin. He couldn't move his arms or legs. He even had difficulty moving his fingers.

As mere seconds passed, it felt like a lifetime before the water ebbed. The three genin weakly stood up, their bodies soaked to the skin and water ran from them in rivulets. Sai coughed and sputtered, Sasuke gasped for breath and Naruto grinned like a maniac.

"That was… that was… AWESOME! Can you do it again?!"

Sai groaned, "Please no…"

"I'm gonna kill him," muttered Sasuke.

"Suck it up," intoned Kakashi while ignoring the other two's complaints, "You're clean now. As I was saying, I have a very special mission for you three today."

Sasuke shook his head, spraying water everywhere. He took off his shirt and wrung it out while saying, "Please tell me that we are not working at the hospital again."

Naruto blushed and mumbled, "Nah, can't be that. We're not allowed in there unless one of us is dying." Two sets of eyes stared pointedly at him. "Hey, that was an accident and personally," he jabbed his finger at the copy-nin and said with a glare, "I think Kakashi Sensei set me up on that one."

Kakashi continued as though he had not been interrupted by his son's amusing antics. "Mah, I would never set up any of my cute little genin."

Naruto carefully sent a stream of air over his body to help dry off. Happy with the results, he sent a blast of air at his brothers to help rid them of some of the water. Since they were further away than he was, the blast was a bit bigger. Both ended up fifty feet away, clinging to tree branches.

Sasuke stalked back to his blonde teammate and with a muttered "dobe," thumped him on the head. "Sensei, you would definitely set us up."

Begin flashback - Hospital Hell

"Out, out, get out!"" the woman hysterically screamed. "And don't come back! She shoved the three out the door and slammed it shut. As they heard her burst into tears, Naruto shifted uncomfortably.

"Jeeze, talk about overreacting…," mumbled the blonde under his breath.

Sasuke; staring off in the distance, came to a sudden halt and growled, "Well, doesn't he look comfortable?"

Sai's eyes widened as he turned around. "Yes, he does indeed look quite comfortable, especially considering how many 'important' and 'unavoidable' errands he had to run today."

"He ditched us…," muttered Naruto unbelievingly, "He actually ditched us. I mean, I know how much he really hates the hospital and I can kinda sympathize now, but to actually ditch us…" He shook his head and then pulled the scroll out of his pocket. "Well, let's get this over with."

The trio approached Kakashi and handed him the completed mission scroll. As he read it, he began to chuckle good-naturedly. "You all actually got banned by the people whose nindo is to nurture and protect everyone, no matter their village affiliation?"

Sai interjected, "Sensei, I find it difficult to comprehend how they can actually be allowed to do that."

"Mah, it's only for doing any missions there. It's not like they would actually deny you care if you were injured."

"Well personally I think it's a conspiracy!" shouted Naruto. "I did exactly as they asked of me."

"I believe they were being a bit melodramatic as well."

Naruto and Sasuke looked at Sai. He shrugged, "I do not know why you two are looking at me like that. I did nothing wrong. I was helping the doctors."

Kakashi pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eye. Taking a big breath, he asked, "What did you two do. If I have to write this report, I will need all the details." Sasuke and Sai stared pointedly at Naruto.

"Hey, what did I do?"

"Well, there was that patient that you doused with the water jutsu," reminded Sai.

"They told me to wash him, didn't they? Well, he got clean."

Sasuke growled, "You blew him across the hospital with the air palm technique."

"I had to dry him off." Naruto pointed at Sasuke and accusingly yelled, "Oh yeah… and what about you, you pyro? You set the bedpans on fire."

Nose to nose, he argued back, "Looks like I overestimated the number of your brain cells. After all, they got clean didn't they?"

"I am reasonably certain that they did not want you to set them on fire," stated Sai knowledgably. "It is generally frowned upon to use such a destructive and dangerous jutsu like that in a hospital."

"I am an Uchiha… No way was I about to put my hands in them, so I sterilized them."

Sai frowned. "I didn't do anything wrong Sensei."

"Suck up," muttered Naruto.

Kakashi studied the scroll again. "Uh actually, they especially don't want you back for a while."

"Me?" asked Sai, clearly surprised, "Why me?"

"Apparently the doctors and nurses do not appreciate it when a young genin such as yourself points out all the things they are doing wrong."

"Odd," said Sai thoughtfully, "You would think that they would enjoy receiving constructive criticism. I'll have to speak to Lady Tsunade about this."

"Mah, this mission counts as a fail you know. Fifty laps… starting now."

Naruto groaned and then muttered under his breath, "This won't be necessary where you are going."

"Sixty then," said Kakashi lazily.

As they started running, a savage look of glee flickered through Naruto's eyes as he considered what they should do. "We really need to settle the score here. If my dad had stayed with us in the hospital, then none of this would have happened."

Sasuke nodded. "I agree; that guy in charge was a stupid, incompetent, and detestable person right from the start. He would have failed us no matter what we did. I saw it in his eyes."

"Are you thinking what I am thinking?" asked Naruto.

"Definitely, we need to hit him where it hurts the most. Sai?"

"Vengeance will be mine."

End flashback

"No, you will definitely not be doing any missions at the hospital again for a long time… a very long time." Kakashi gave them an eye smile and added, "They'll probably have to give that poor medic a shot every time any of your names are even mentioned."

"Serves her right," said Sasuke with a sour look. "She should have never tried to put her hands on my brother."

Naruto slapped his wet back and gave him the thumbs up. "Yeah, thanks for that. By the way, just what sort of genjutsu did you use on her?"

Sasuke sniffed. "I don't know what you are talking about."

"Well, if we're not going to be doing any missions at the hospital, then what will we do? We are not baby-sitting again are we?" groaned Sai.

Kakashi snorted. "Nope, you don't have to worry about that ever again. Every parent in Konoha signed a petition." Two sets of eyes stared accusingly at Naruto.

"What?" Naruto asked innocently, "You all thought the tape was a good idea at the time too. And how could I have known that formula could be so explosive? Nobody told me that stuff was flammable."

"While Sasuke may be the pyro on our team, I believe that you could certainly give him a run for the title, Dickless."

"Bite me, Aho."

Begin flashback - Brainless Babysitting

He should have known better, he really should. When that woman was happy to see Naruto, he should have known something was wrong. He should have run. Civilians are not capable of doing the body flicker technique, yet the incredible rate at which they got out of the house was astounding. All that was left was their dust trail and the instruction letter which fluttered to the ground.

As the door slammed shut, Kakashi whipped out his book and sat on the sofa while Sai picked up the letter. After reading it through, he announced, "There are three children; one year old female, and four year old twin boys. I say since there are three of them and three of us, we all just pick one."

From upstairs came the thin unmistakable sound of a baby's cry. Team seven jerked their eyes warily up the stairs and then looked at each other.

"Uh-uh, no way am I changing a diaper…"

"Tch, and you think I'm going to do it?"

Sai blanched. "Don't look at me… it is a girl. Kakashi Sensei, can you sort this out? Who has to watch the baby?"

Kakashi turned the page and muttered. "Teamwork boys… Why do you think you have to do these 'D' ranks?"

Naruto rolled his eyes in annoyance and Sai frowned. Sasuke made an irritated noise and asked, "Kakashi Sensei, do we really have to change a diaper?"

"Do you hear that? What? Never mind, it's gone now."

"Hn… fine. On three?"

Naruto and Sai nodded and then they rapidly yelled, "One-two-three, not it!"

"Best two out of three?" asked Sai in disappointment.

Naruto grinned. "Not on your life."

"Hell no," said Sasuke emphatically.

~~One Hour Later~~

(Sai) "Sweet Kami, what did that woman feed this kid? Agh, I got it on my hand!"

(Naruto) "Seriously Sai, you really need to open your eyes when you're changing her."

(Sai) "IT IS A GIRL!"

(Sasuke) "What are you doing with that duct tape, baka?"

(Naruto) "It's only a baby Aho."

(Sasuke) "Seriously… what are you doing with that duct tape? Kakashi Sensei, are you going to help us or what?"

(Kakashi) "Do you hear that? What? Never mind, it's gone now."

(Sasuke) "… Hn…"

(Naruto) "You know Sasuke, you really should apologize. Sai already said he was sorry for drawing squirrels is his book and so did I for encasing one in jello."

(Sasuke) "No, I'm not doing it. The book didn't even burn."

(Sai) "I've got poop on my hands… I think I might need to forcefully expel the contents of my stomach through my mouth."

(Naruto) "I am not cleaning up your puke Aho."

(Sasuke) "Tell me what you think you are going to do with that duct tape."

(Naruto) "Aw come on teme, he won't stop trying to take my kunai."

(Sai) "I've got poop on my hands…"

(Sasuke) "Well, maybe you shouldn't have told him that stupid story."

(Naruto) "My dad used to always tell me that story to make me fall asleep." He stretched out the duct tape, used his teeth to rip it off and gently placed it across the boy.

(Sai) "Undigested food has just come back up my esophagus to my mouth…"

(Sasuke) "You can't duct tape that kid to the wall… umm… can we?"

(Sai) "I've got poop on my hands… Can we please duct tape them all to the walls, Kakashi Sensei?"

(Kakashi) "Do you hear that? What? Never mind, it's gone now."

(Sasuke) "… Hn…"

(Sai runs around the room, screaming and holding the girl out from his body) "Sweet Kami, she peeing now. She peed on me!"

(Naruto) "Jeeze, put a diaper on that kid Aho. And Sasuke, you know Kakashi Sensei is even more stubborn than you are. You really should apologize."

(Sasuke) "No, I'm not doing it. The pages were barely even singed."

(Sai) "I think it's hungry again and I have poop on my hands… Do you even know how unsanitary poop is? She peed on my pants too."

(Naruto) "I'll make her a bottle if you quit whining. Umm Sasuke… your kid's got another lighter again."

(Sasuke) "Damn it, where does he keep finding those?"

(Naruto) "Well you just had to show him that fire jutsu, didn't you?! Pyro. Kakashi Sensei, do you know how to make formula?"

(Kakashi) "Do you hear that? What? Never mind, it's gone now."

(Naruto) "Teme?!"

(Sasuke) "No, I'm not going to apologize so shut up."

(Naruto) "Damn, where did your kid go?"

Sasuke pointed to the corner where the boy was standing with a look of intense concentration on his face. As Naruto left to fix a bottle for the baby, comprehension dawned on the Uchiha's face.

(Sasuke) "Is he…? Oh crap."

(Naruto) "Fire!"

(Sasuke) "All right, all right, I'm sorry Kakashi Sensei."

End flashback

"Oh well. Man those kids sure were quick to blab on us. Okay, so no more babysitting then. Please tell me that we are not giving sponge baths at the old folk's home." Naruto shivered at the memory.

"No, they were quick to blab on you. You were the one to tape them on the wall."

Sai frowned thoughtfully. "It can't be that. We're banned from ever going back there again." Two sets of eyes stared accusingly at Naruto.

"Hey, you all should thank me for that one. No more sponge baths." He held out his arm and pushed back the sleeve. "Look, I've still got the teeth marks."

"Hn… good point..."

"Well I kind of liked Granny Kokoa. She was interesting," said Sai.

Naruto stared in disbelief before he shook his head. "Aho, she spit on you and then said she would outlive you and dance on your grave."

"She was just being facetious."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "She tried to stab you with her spork."

Begin flashback- Retirement Regrets

(Sasuke) "What do you think you are going to do with that duct tape, baka?"

(Sai) "I've got poop on my hands..."

(Naruto) "Stop being such a baby, Aho… and I am not cleaning up your puke."

(Sai) "Uh-uh, no way am I changing an old woman's diaper…"

(Sasuke) "Tch, and you think I'm going to do it? Seriously baka… what are you doing with that duct tape?"

(Naruto) "Hehe, I wasn't going to do anything… honest."

(Sai) "I've got poop on my hands…"

(Naruto) "Aw come on teme, he won't stop trying to take my kunai."

(Sasuke) "Well, maybe you shouldn't have told him that stupid story."

(Naruto) "It was a good story. Kakashi Sensei can kill anybody with anything."

(Sasuke) "A spoon… I'll bet he couldn't kill someone with a spoon."

(Naruto) "Oh how wrong you would be… I can't believe I didn't tell that about that one time…"

(Sai) "I feel dizzy…"

(Sasuke) "You can't duct tape that old man to his chair… umm… can we?"

(Sai) "I've got poop on my hands… Can we please duct tape them all to the walls like we did with those little children, Kakashi Sensei?"

(Kakashi) "Do you hear that? What? Never mind, it's gone now."

(Sasuke) "… Hn…"

(Sai) "Sweet Kami, she peeing now. She peed on me!"

(Sai) "I think it's hungry again and I have poop on my hands… Do you even know how unsanitary poop is? She peed on my pants too."

(Naruto) "I'll make her some food if you quit whining. Umm Sasuke… your old guy got another lighter again."

(Sasuke) "Damn it, where does he keep finding those?"

(Naruto) "Well you just had to show him that fire jutsu, didn't you?! Pyro. Kakashi Sensei, do you know what I should cook?"

(Kakashi) "Do you hear that? What? Never mind, it's gone now."

(Naruto) "Damn, where did your old man go?"

Sasuke pointed to the corner where the man was standing with a look of intense concentration on his face. As Naruto left to fix rice for Sai's elderly female, comprehension dawned on the Uchiha's face.

(Sasuke) "Is he…? Oh crap."

(Naruto) "Fire!"

End flashback

Sasuke sighed deeply. He frowned at the memories of all the lame missions they had done. He said, "Why don't you put us out of our misery already and tell us what this mission will be."

"Oh, you'll all like this one. It will be a simulation of sorts."

"What kind of simulation?" asked Naruto suspiciously.

"Capture the escaped prisoner."

Naruto's eyes lit up at the prospect of an exciting and possibly dangerous mission. "Who is the prisoner? Is it some dangerous shinobi that escaped from the prison? Is it…"

"Mah, we have plenty of time for that after you all dry off. You can start with thirty laps."

Sai tilted his head quizzically. "How will that help us dry off?"

Kakashi pointed off towards the village where quite a few shinobi were coming from. "Because you may all have to run pretty quick to get away from them. I don't think they are two happy to be woken up so early."

"Oh crap!" shouted Naruto as the three boys took off.

"Hmm, looks like we may need to do this mission tomorrow," said Kakashi to himself.

AN:

As always - big thanks to my beta, THECOOKIEMONSTER77.

Thanks to everyone that followed/favorited/commented on the last chapter! Also thanks to guests - Stephanie, Gamma89, Moooovie maker (lol - I get it!) & unnamed guest.

Next weeks's chapter will be a detailed explanation about why cats are evil! (Just kidding - love my kitty-meowmeow, Imhotep!) Yup, you guessed it - TORA! Until next week...

Ja Ne,

AZFAERYDUST