Chapter 3 – Elephant in the Room

Kaidan's reunion with his wife had been tempered by the presence of his parents, followed soon after with the departure of her last recruits and Vega's team, the arrival of one of her new recruits, and then his parents leaving. Still, that first chaste kiss and embrace made him more than happy. He knew from experience that they were unlikely to get much time alone during the trip to the Citadel, but the most important thing was that they were together.

As the airlock closed behind her in-laws, Terra turned and kissed Kaidan soundly. Soaking in his handsome face, she ran her fingers down his lips, enjoying the smile that formed under them, accompanied by the rumble in his throat.

"I missed you, so much," Kaidan murmured, his voice low in an attempt to keep this moment as private as possible with Joker nearby. He couldn't resist pulling her into him.

"I missed you, too." Terra rested her forehead against his, wishing they had some time, but duty demanded they wait. Reluctantly adopting a more appropriate stance to face Joker, she was ridiculously thrilled when Kaidan pressed himself up against her back, his hands resting casually on her hips like he needed the contact. She leaned back into him, needing it too. "Joker. Do we have an estimate on our departure time?"

Joker checked his latest update from the dock supervisor. "Fuel tanks are full, and they're now bringing in the last of our replacement supplies, so I'd give it twenty minutes, max."

"Better call time on Vega's stay," said Kaidan, enjoying the shiver from the woman beneath his hands as his close proximity to her ear made his voice more intimate than intended. The little glare she gave him didn't disguise the heat in her eyes, and he chuckled as they headed to the elevator.

Edi had informed them that James was in the Lounge, and they entered the room only to stop and stare at the scene within. Rorie sat at the poker table with James, a glass of water and some poker chips on the table in front of her, playing-cards clutched in her hands.

Seeing them, James grinned. "Loco! Lola! Wanna join us?"

Kaidan crossed his arms in response, fixing James with a serious countenance. "Vega. Are you teaching my daughter to gamble?"

"No!" James chuckled, half-heartedly.

"Raise you five, two and seventeen one!" called out Rorie with a giggle.

James winced. "It's just a game of Snap, honest! …With a little bet on the side as to who'll win- but its pretend only!" he added, quickly. "I mean, come on! Like I'd bet real cash with a kid!"

"Snap! I win! Gimme all your credits!"

"What!? I was distracted! I demand a rematch!" James laughed, before catching her parents' looks and trying to appear abashed.

"Pay up. Now, Uncle James," Rorie warned, with an impressively ominous look.

"Whoa, now! Who taught you to be such a hard-ass?"

"James!" admonished Shepard.

"Oh! Shit! I meant hard… as… your mama and papa." James grinned like he'd gotten away with it.

Terra wasn't impressed. "We're heading out soon, so I'm afraid I have to end your game."

Kaidan nodded. "Preferably before you send our three year old-"

"Nearly four, daddy!"

"My apologies." He then re-addressed Vega. "Before you send our nearly four year old completely off the rails with gambling and bad language." Kaidan reached for the glass in front of Rorie. "Should I check this is actually water?"

"What do you take me for?" James received two sets of raised brows. "Right. Right. Time to leave." He caught Rorie up in a bear hug. "Gotta go, Nugget."

"Oh," Rorie said, forlornly.

James craned his neck to meet her fallen eyes. "Hey, don't look so sad. You can still talk to me by vid, no? You're my number one girl, remember? I'll always be there when you need me, okay?"

"'Kay." Rorie hugged him tightly, and kissed his cheek. "Love you."

"Love you, too, Nugget. And you know, I'm only going to be here for a few days before I'll be coming to the Citadel, too."

"Really?"

"Really. I just need to take the chance to visit my Uncle while I'm on Earth. I haven't seen him for twice as long as you missed your mom."

Her eyes widened. "That's a long time."

"It sure is."

"You should go quickly. He'll be sad," Rorie said, earnestly.

James gave her a squeeze, then placed her gently on the ground where she instantly attached herself to Shepard's leg. "Next time, Loco, you and I have a date with this table."

"I'll be ready and waiting to finish what Rorie started, don't you worry, Vega." Kaidan shook James' hand.

"Lola." James hugged her. "Been the best time. Thanks for putting up with me."

"Anytime, James."

"Hear that, Loco?" checked James, with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows.

"Yeah, yeah," huffed Kaidan. "Need help getting to that elevator? Because my boot is ready for duty."

"Ha! I'm going!" James grinned, then ruffled Rorie's hair tenderly. "You coming to see me off?"

"Uh huh!"

"Well, come and hitch a lift!" James hoisted Rorie up onto his broad shoulders, and Kaidan and Terra walked hand in hand behind him.

O

As Vega left, Shepard's last recruit arrived, and Kaidan took Rorie off out of the way. It had been decided that her latest recruits would be boarding sooner than planned. Hackett had been unsure whether to load potentially problematic crew-members on her in light of recent events, but she'd insisted. It felt important to her to keep things running as usual.

The airlock opened to reveal a petite young woman with light brown hair in curls that finished at her jawline, and eyes that were a mix of green and browns. She instantly gave a sharp salute.

"Serviceman Robin Altair, Ma'am." The young woman added another salute. "Excited and honoured to be given the chance to fly you, Ma'am."

"Whoa! Wait a minute! Fly!?" blurted out Joker, as he gaped at Altair from his chair. "Fly!? Oh no, no way! Tell me she's here to haunt Cortez," he demanded from Shepard.

"Altair will be learning from you, Joker."

"Hell, no." With that he promptly spun in his chair and sealed the rarely-closed hatch between the cockpit and the rest of the ship, and locking it.

Altair was left completely gob-smacked, but Shepard had been expecting Joker's reaction, and despite the fact she now had a close-up view of the hatch, she fought back her amusement. "Edi. Would you mind?"

"Of course, Shepard."

In the single second it took Edi to unlock the hatch and open it, Shepard had adopted a cross-armed, hip-cocked stance, along with an 'are you up to challenge' look. "What's the matter, Joker? Feeling threatened?"

"Pff! No! I'm the best, and you know it. But this means I have to train her. I wasn't consulted in this, Shepard. Not on."

"Why would I consult you, Joker? All I'd have gotten was four weeks of grief for it! Besides, like you said, you're the best, and it's only right you impart some of that knowledge and expertise to others. Unless you've discovered the secret to immortality and intend to stay in the cockpit for eternity."

"Actually, I was hoping it would come with me. To be my tomb," he pouted.

"No can do. Alliance property."

Altair was struggling to keep a straight face at the exchange.

"Where's Edi supposed to go? Did you think of that?" argued Joker.

"As you are aware, I can still be within the cockpit without my physical shell, Jeff," reasoned Edi from her usual place beside him. "It shall be a unique experience for me to find an alternative use for this platform while in flight."

"See, Joker? Edi can adapt to the circumstances. I'm sure you can, too."

Joker scowled at Shepard and Altair, grumbling something unintelligible. "Fine. But you haven't heard the last of this, Shepard."

"Of that I have no doubt," she sighed.

Having been notified by Edi, Traynor was waiting patiently, and Shepard introduced Altair. "Specialist Traynor will get you sorted with a bunk in the crew quarters, give you a tour of the ship, acquaint you with the crew and settle you at your workstation. I'll catch up with you once we're in the air. Traynor, she's all yours."

"Thanks, Admiral."

Ignoring the mental daggers that were being sent her way by her pilot, Shepard went to re-join her family. Kaidan had only gotten Rorie as far as the galaxy map, where she stood atop the raised platform, pretending she was in charge. Before Shepard had reached them, Joker's sulky voice came through.

"Admiral. We've got the all-clear from Vancouver Control. Do I wait for Altair to leave of her own accord, or are we just tossing her out the airlock once we're in the air? You know, teach her to fly the fast way."

Shepard exchanged a 'yes, it's like that' look with Kaidan. "Well, seeing as we don't have our trusty prothean to perform that task, I think we'll just keep her."

"Are you sure that's wise? In case you missed it, I'm not too happy about this whole teaching thing. I don't think you really ought to risk a storm in the cockpit."

"Joker," interrupted Kaidan.

"Just fly the damn ship?"

"Got it in one."

oOo

oOo

The leviathans were already recuperating well; their strength returning, absorbing what they needed from their environment.

The connections that had taken so much concentration to maintain in dark space were once again as simple as a thought. They had less threads to pull, and what once had been an inundation of images and information was now little more than a trickle. They remembered it like this, eons ago, before the fragments were many and gave them ever more thralls.

It was not how it should be. They could handle billions in their prime, but had been forced to reduce it with the emergence of the Reapers. The journey to dark space had left them with even less. There was no challenge.

Strong enough to reach out for more tendrils, the leviathans discovered many of their previous thralls gone. It was as they'd expected. They were unconcerned. Once they had rid of the child, there would be plenty of time to gather a whole galaxy of tools.

Using the fragments, they saw through the eyes of their greatest weapons. They were deep under the ground, away from the watchful eyes of the Council races. The light was artificial here, muted to reduce energy consumption. Here were the newly-constructed ships – the size of a fleet in number – and there were more at nearby locations. They were being fuelled and stocked, soon to be given their first flights.

Searching for more minds, the leviathans were inside the buildings they'd bidden created, which blended into the remote industrial area. There was a bio-lab to facilitate the research into the spores, and a tech-lab to find a solution to the fields that interfered with their connections. The new Intelligence, nearly at completion, had yet to achieve its own awareness; new directives had been put in place, the memory banks currently empty, but soon the leviathans would upload everything they had taken from the first Intelligence. There would be no need for further millennia for their creation to study the races when it was already recorded. It would be able to form conclusions from that, with the prime directive of maintaining the lives of the leviathans, as they are.

Pulling away to focus on other worlds, other places, they watched more thralls readying ships. They did not have many tools now, but they would show those who opposed them just how little the leviathans needed, and how unprepared their future thralls really were in the face of the leviathans supremacy.

oOo

oOo

Normandy was only an hour out from the Citadel but nothing delayed soldiers from getting their grub, and everyone who wasn't a part of the skeleton crew began to assemble for the evening meal, with the exclusion of their other recruit - Corporal William Knox, solder-class - and Cortez. Shepard wasn't surprised by Knox's absence, her earlier attempt at engaging him in relaxed conversation down in the cargo bay had been less than successful; his single-word answers were clearly intended to dissuade her from further interrogation and Edi had confirmed that he'd spoken with no-one since coming aboard. Shepard had backed-off for now, but she wasn't giving up.

Cortez would be here, though. He'd already told her he'd be running late, determined to square away his current task before heading up. Rorie had gone to hurry him and Shepard laid a generously portioned plate at the head of the table where her daughter liked to sit, taking her own seat adjacent to Rorie's and opposite Kaidan. Normally she preferred to sit further down, amongst her crew, but this evening she needed proximity to a certain little girl.

The Mess was thriving with the happy chatter of the crew, and Kaidan knew that, like her mother, Rorie loved this time. Suddenly despondent, he hoped she would be able to remain carefree while they dealt with the leviathans. He didn't want her to be aware of what was out there – the monsters in the dark that called for her blood. The warm hand on his pulled him out of his gloom and he met Terra's knowing eyes. She squeezed his fingers and he gripped them back before silently conveying he was okay and they both absorbed themselves in Ken Donnelly's chatter, with excerpts from Gabby, as ever the duo.

There wasn't a single person at the table who didn't wonder just what this trip to the Citadel was all about, at the cost of their shore-leave, but no-one had voiced the question to Shepard. Their trust was such that they all figured it was 'need to know' and she'd tell them when it was necessary.

"So, Altair, is it?" Donnelly drew the rookie's attention. "I expect this has got to be a big step up from whatever your last assignment was."

"It's huge. Especially since this is my first assignment," smiled back Altair, proudly. "I came straight in from the training sims at Pinnacle Station."

"Pinnacle station," scoffed Joker. "You'd think after building all these brand spanking new replacement stations and such, they could attempt to come up with new names."

"Like what?" Chakwas snorted out. "Pinnacle Station 2? Something tells me there were more important things on their agendas than thinking up names, Jeff. There's been enough upheaval. Best to keep things as recognisable as possible."

"Taking notes, Shepard? Upheaval."

Deliberately placing another forkful of food into her mouth, Shepard just held Joker's accusing gaze while she chewed, until he gave up trying to make her feel bad for it.

"And that suggestion was ridiculous, Doc," Joker added, dourly.

Kaidan made an amused huffing sound. "Wait a minute, aren't we on the Normandy SR-2? Who was it who named it that, again?" he added in an aside to Shepard.

"That's different," defended Joker. "The Normandy's a great name. And it's synonymous with Shepard. Like Captain Kirk and the Enterprise."

Shepard frowned. "Captain Kirk? Who's that? And I've never heard of a ship named Enterprise. Are they Alliance-?"

"Oh no! No, no, no! Do not tell me that!" Joker stared back at her, stunned, while all around them the crew were either quietly laughing or choking on their food. "How can you dare call yourself a ship's Admiral and not know who Kirk is!?"

Terra looked blankly over at Kaidan, who was running a hand down his face.

"It's okay, Shepard. Joker's referring to a very popular cult sci-fi show back in the 20th century."

"Oh!" she breathed out in relief, then fixed a frown on her pilot. "Damn it, Joker! I thought I'd forgotten someone important!"

"He is important! He was the first Captain to go where no man has gone before!"

Terra gave him a look. "He's not real, Joker."

"Philistine."

Kaidan laughed as Terra rolled her eyes, then got an incoming call from his mother (no doubt for no other reason than checking Rorie was eating well) and moved away to take it.

"Personally, I preferred the engineer, Scotty," piped up Donnelly. "Let's face it, without him working his magic, the Captain wouldn't have been half as successful."

"Here, here," approved Adams.

"Plus, he had a great accent," agreed Daniels, with a smile at her husband.

"Why thank you, my love." Donnelly paused for a second. "Do you think now would be a good time to tell Shep-"

"No! Not now, Ken!" Daniels interrupted quickly, elbowing his ribs in the process.

"Anything wrong, Gabby?" checked Shepard.

"Everything's great, Shepard. Maybe I could catch up with you later, though. You know, when you have time. Or after you've finished at the Citadel. No rush," babbled Daniels.

Everyone was staring at her now, and she elbowed Donnelly's ribs again.

"Ouch! What's the matter with you, woman!? I understood the first one! Not a word left my mouth!" He then noticed the attention and got the hint: Subject change. "So…I met our other new addition. Knox? He not joining us, Shepard? Not exactly a people person, is he?"

"He's going to be fun to have around," muttered Joker, sarcastically. "Watch out Normandy crew, here comes the 'Anti-Vega'."

Shepard couldn't stop the snort of badly suppressed amusement that was repeated around the rest of the crew, and quickly gave Joker a warning glare. "Stop it."

Kaidan had returned to the table at that point and grinned. "Anti-Vega? That has to be Knox."

"Don't encourage him," Shepard admonished. Indeed, as Joker's summation suggested, the soldier was like a younger version of Vega with his overstated muscle. Unlike Vega, though, there was no trace of warmth. In fact the guy looked like he was about to deck someone. "So, Joker. How's Altair doing?"

Joker mumbled something.

"Sorry?"

"He can't answer you, Ma'am," replied Altair, with no small amount of victory. "He won't even let me touch a button, let alone sit in his seat."

"Joker! Do I need to remind you of the definition of 'training'? Hand over the seat."

"But it's my seat," whined Joker. "My leather seat, made just for me."

Terra sighed inwardly. It was like trying to reason with a toddler. Thankfully, she'd had plenty of practice. "She's not hi-jacking it. It's still yours. But you need to share."

He made a disgruntled sound in response.

"Look, either you train her or I place you on shuttle duty for the foreseeable future and have Cortez do it."

"You wouldn't!" Joker looked at her aghast.

"Try me."

Joker shook his head slowly and seriously. "Thought we were friends, Shepard."

"You're such a drama-queen."

"Dra-? Kaidan!" he called over to the kitchen where Kaidan had gone to get a glass of water. "Your wife just called me a drama-queen!"

"She called me that once, too. I still think I was justified." Kaidan shrugged, returning to his seat. "Sorry, Joker. Nothing I can do. Shepard's in charge."

"I could mutiny, you know."

Terra looked at Joker, incredulously. "So you face Reapers and head into a suicide mission with me, but this is a step too far?"

"Yes. Yes, it is."

Shepard wasn't falling for it for a second. "Just do the damn training, Joker."

"Fine!"

"Good!"

"But I won't forget this!"

Chakwas looked over at Shepard with an amused look, to be met with a matching one. They both knew Joker couldn't hold a grudge.

O

Cortez looked over at the new recruit, Knox, but the man was still working away at the workstation which had once been Vega's, concentrating on cleaning out the weapons. Steve sighed to himself. They were nearly three hours into the flight and any attempt he'd made to engage Knox in conversation had been shut down every time. Steve thought it a shame to be that way, but he had the impression that maybe it was why Knox was here, and he thought of Shepard and the kind words and gentle nudges that helped him to start moving past that dreadful day he lost Robert.

"BOO!"

Steve jumped, dropping the piece of armour he'd been stowing away in preparation for meal-time, then laughed as Rorie giggled in delight at her success. "You got me good that time! I never heard a thing! Have you been getting lessons from your mom?"

"Uh huh! I got Ganpa Lenko, too!" she grinned. "Mommy's the best!"

"She certainly is."

Picking up the armour, Steve placed it on the table and crouched to her level. "You know, I missed having you around. Just like your mom, the ship's not the same without you." He was rewarded with a beaming smile, a cuddle and a kissed cheek, and as always she took another piece of his heart. He'd do anything for this little girl, and the Leviathans return pressed at the edges of his mind refusing to be completely ignored.

"It's dinner time, Uncle Estban."

Steve chuckled at her imitation of Vega's nickname for him. "And I'm coming, don't you worry. Can't miss your first dinner back with us. Just let me get this armour put away and I'll be right there." Steve saw Rorie's eyes roaming the area for some kind of mischief to get into, clearly choosing to wait for him. Pausing on the shuttle, she already knew she couldn't go in there while he had it linked up for diagnostics; then she alighted on Knox. Cortez followed her gaze. "I don't know if you'd be welcome there, Precious."

"He's grumpy," nodded Rorie, seriously.

That made Steve laughed, quietly. "I think so, too."

"Rorie make him happy!"

Before he could respond, she was off. Uneasy, Steve watched, ready to act. Rorie slowed as she got nearer to Knox, then tiptoed, making Steve smile. Then she suddenly disappeared behind some crates. Looking around, he wondered where she'd turn up next, just spotting her at the back of Knox's workstation, rising slowly up, little more than dark hair and big doe eyes peering over the edge. Steve noticed Knox tense at seeing her, and the man lowered the gun parts he'd been busying himself with, to the table.

"Go away, kid."

"Rorie."

Knox sighed impatiently. "Go away, Rorie."

"Why?"

"Didn't your mother teach you these weapons are dangerous?" Knox snapped in irritation.

"Uh huh," she nodded sincerely, unfazed by his tone. "I not touching." True to her word, her little fingers were clamped to the edge of the table and reached no further.

Knox banged his fists down on the table, and Steve began to close the distance, worried about Rorie's safety. Before he got there, Knox twisted away from the table and stormed into the elevator. Just as the doors began to close, Rorie rushed in to join him, and Cortez was left standing there, staring at the closed doors. "Edi-"

"I am monitoring them, Lieutenant. He is, however, heading for Shepard on the Crew deck."

"Good," breathed out Steve. Whatever problem Knox had would need to be sorted out soon. He went back to quickly stow the last piece of armour while he waited for the elevator to return.

O

Knox was pissed beyond measure that the kid was still there. He'd ignored her all the way up, which had been rather easy seeing as she'd chosen to stand quietly in the corner of the elevator, though he could feel her eyes on him the whole time. He released the breath he'd been holding when the doors opened onto the Crew deck, and he strode around to the Mess. He took it all in: the majority of the crew at the table conversing as though they didn't have a care, despite empty plates; Shepard and Alenko chatting with the others, laughing. What the hell was wrong with these people? These were the soldiers he'd aimed to be like when he'd enrolled? Was this what it had been like when they were supposed to be saving Earth from the Reapers? Anger rippled through him. He came to a halt at a short distance from Shepard, silently cursing as the kid did the same.

"Knox. You're joining us?" Shepard looked up, momentarily pleased to see him there before registering his rigid posture, his eyes ahead and not engaging hers.

"No," he replied, darkly. "Admiral, your damned kid won't leave me be." He was aware of the brat now mimicking his stance. Shepard stood up into his line of sight, and Knox found himself the unnerving focus of her stony gaze, the Mess going silent around them. He was relieved when she broke eye contact to crouch down and draw her daughter close, her face immediately softening along with her voice.

"Rorie. The crew have jobs they have to do and you mustn't distract them. Do you understand?"

"But he's sad."

Shepard glanced up to see Knox's jaw tighten, his gaze once again fixed on the far wall. She ran the back of her fingers down Rorie's cheek. "It's very kind of you to want to make him happy, but when someone asks you to give them some space, you should."

Warm honey eyes dropped to the floor. "'Kay. Sorry, mommy."

"Good girl. What do you say to Corporal Knox?"

Knox wasn't expecting the little hand that grabbed his in order to get his attention. Reluctantly, he met her eyes.

"Sorry, Corpal Knox."

He just nodded his acceptance, pulled his hand free, and resumed his forward stare.

"Okay, honey," Alenko broke in, to gain Rorie's attention. "You'd better come and eat your dinner before it gets cold."

Rorie eagerly clambered onto the chair and began tucking in, while Shepard quickly stood up again before Knox could turn away to leave. "Corporal. Observation room. Now." She stalked past him, leading the way, and passing Cortez. She went straight to the large window, taking in the view of stars streaming past, and it calmed her. Once the door closed, she turned to face Knox.

"My 'kid' has a name, Corporal. Aurora. Rorie, if you like. And she's just as worthy of your respect as anyone else on this ship. Are we clear?"

Knox's jaw worked a little. "Crystal, Admiral."

She studied his face for a second or two. She'd studied his files extensively. He enlisted six months ago, aged 25, and flew through training. A few things had jumped out at her in the training officer's notes about him: he was single-mindedly focused, aggressive bordering on reckless, and he didn't care about making friends within his unit. It was clear why her father had chosen to send him to her. This young man had issues that were stopping him from becoming the elite soldier his scores were indicating he could be. His personal information had revealed no next of kin…

"Is there a problem you'd like to talk about? A reason why you're so angry?"

Knox stared back at her, debating his next move, then went with it. "Yeah, I've got a problem. It's you and your crew. Does anything get taken seriously?" Shepard's face was unreadable but Knox wasn't backing down now. "Is this why it took you so damn long to get back to Earth during the war? Were you all just taking time out, having a bit of fun, while the rest of us lost our families, one by one?" Shepard didn't falter under his sharp gaze, and it pissed him off even more. "What am I saying? I already know the answer to that. The evidence of what you were doing is right out there, sitting at the head of the table. I have to wonder how many people died as you laid on your back for the General."

Biting back her own anger at this man's ignorant judgement of her, she was all Admiral. "You'll watch your tone, Corporal." It took a lot of control to ignore the disrespect in his face and carry on, deciding now was the time to dig deeper into William Knox. His rant had revealed something. "Why did you join the Alliance?"

Knox gritted his teeth before answering. "To protect and serve."

"Protect and serve who?"

"Those who can't protect themselves. Civilians."

"Do you care about them?"

Knox frowned at her. "I don't know them."

"Doesn't matter. Or at least it shouldn't."

"What's your damn point, Admiral?"

"You're hiding here, pretending that you're doing something positive in the wake of the Reapers, when in reality you're just playing at soldier."

"What the fuck? I beat every damn sim they put me through."

"You weren't looking to save the 'civilian' in the scenario. You were simply fulfilling the mission."

"It's the same thing."

"No, it's not. So I ask again: why are you here?" He opened his mouth but she cut him off. "And I don't want that 'protect and serve' bullshit again. That's not your motivation when you work so hard at keeping everyone away."

Knox's thoughts churned over in his head. She was forcing him to face his reason for being here and it made him angrier. "I was an up and coming financier back on Earth. Thought I had it all. More credits than I needed, nice home, vehicle. Meant fuck-all when the Reapers hit. So now I'm here. Probably too little too late, but I won't risk being completely fucking useless again."

Shepard heard what he didn't say. 'Having it all' meant more than just those material things. It meant family: parents, siblings, a significant other. Like so many others, he'd suffered loss, and had been left behind with the guilt that he hadn't been able to save them. She understood that only too well. However, Knox wasn't channelling it well, and that guilt had made him aloof and angry.

"So who do you fight for, Knox?"

"No one," he answered in irritation. "I don't have anyone left," he said through clenched teeth. "I get the job done."

"In those sims, you fulfilled the missions at the cost of your team and with 'civilian' casualties."

"Collateral damage," he shrugged.

"It was more than that. It was a disregard for life. It's not enough for you to put on the uniform, do the training and pick up a gun, Knox. When you hold that rifle in your hand, you have the power to save or end lives. Life should never be taken casually. It's what separates us from the callous assholes we fight against. You need to have that connection. Not just with anyone you might have to protect, but to those you serve with … because they're all somebody's husband or wife, mother, father, son or daughter."

"Just discipline me and get it over with," he retorted back, but it was more of a reflex, there was no real fight behind it now as her words resonated.

Shepard considered something for a moment, then started heading for the door. "Come with me." She walked straight out and stopped at the memorial wall. "These are those I lost." She ran her fingers over the names, some shouting louder than others in her heart. Jenkins. Ashley. Mordin. Thane. Legion. Tali. Anderson. Him she decided to elaborate on, because Knox would have heard about him even if he wasn't Alliance during Anderson's life.
"Anderson had been a part of my life since I was a baby. My dad's closest friend, and something of a second father to me. He gave me my home on the Citadel... And my home in the SR-1 when he stepped down to enable me, as a Spectre, to have command of the ship. He died from a fatal wound, shot from my gun, in my hand, when I came under Reaper influence."

She turned away from the memorial to face Knox, aware of Kaidan on the periphery of her vision, ever watchful over her. His presence gave her strength. "There's also my mother. Admiral Hannah Shepard. She died when she ordered her ship to fly into a Reaper in order to stop it from reaching the Crucible." Terra still felt the loss of her mother, and she took a moment before carrying on. "I understand that guilt you feel. There'll always be a part of me that wonders if I could have done more, tried harder. But logic, and my husband, tells me I did everything I could. My point is: you didn't say anything that I haven't already said to myself. It never completely goes away – guilt can be a slippery bastard, always creeping back, but I can't waste any more time dwelling on it, Knox. The past is where it is, and nothing will change it. Now, it's important to live." She paused for a moment, letting it sink in and also allowing herself to form her thoughts. "There'll be no disciplinary action required. You punish yourself enough."

Knox gaped back at her in surprise.

"Stop hiding away. Start connecting and find a reason to care again. You know, that little girl is a safe bet. She won't judge, and asks for nothing in return."

Knox didn't want to open himself to anyone, least of all a child. "Thank you for your time, Admiral."

Shepard was a little disappointed but she didn't press him. "Dismissed, Corporal."

…

Once the doors to the elevator closed him in, Knox leaned his head back. He just wanted to do his job and move on to the next. People usually left him alone. That kid had forced him out of the shadows where he preferred to remain, unbothered and off the radar of others. He certainly wasn't about to encourage her. He didn't need to 'connect' to do his job. All he required was a target and a gun.

…

Kaidan closed the distance, standing beside Terra as she perused the Memorial Wall. "Tell me you don't feel responsible?"

"Yes and no. I know I did everything I could, that I couldn't be everywhere at once… but it doesn't change the fact that people like Knox were counting on me to save them, and for many of them, I didn't come through."

"They were all expecting too much. They made it all about you, placing all that weight on you, and I won't stand here and listen to you accept the sole blame-"

Terra turned into him, her hands resting on his solid chest, and silenced him with a kiss. The frown across his forehead fell away as was her goal. "I know," she murmured.

He sighed in understanding. "That slippery bastard named guilt?"

"Know him?"

"Yeah. Too well," he admitted, though she already knew the answer. He hugged her close. "I get a little carried away when it comes to you." Her hands caressed a path from his sides and up his back.

"Defending my inner well-being. It was rather a turn-on."

Kaidan laughed with a mixture of surprise and appreciation for her blatant distraction. "So the legendary Admiral Shepard likes a knight in shining armour as much as the next girl, huh?"

She grinned back at him, fingers running over the implant at the back of his neck. "Knight status not required, and if he's got shining armour I can guarantee he's not seen enough battle to impress me, but a General in scuffed armour gets me every time."

Kissing her for being her, Kaidan was happy to put current events out of his mind. "Did I tell you how much I missed you?"

"Not how much, no. But I'm pretty sure I know."

"When we get home, I'm going to make sure you do."

"That had better be a promise, General."

"It's a solemn vow, Admiral." He leant in to kiss her again-

"Oh get a room!" Joker complained as he sidled past them and entered the elevator. Just before the doors closed he uttered, "Anti-Vega", accompanied by a 'told-you-so' look.

oOo