DISCLAIMER: No matter how much I want it, I do not own Naruto...and I cry every night because of it! I am only borrowing the characters and promise to return them in good condition – well, maybe slightly battered, burned, scratched, and generally tore up - especially in this case! Again - I do not hate cats. The stunts you are about to read about have been attempted by professionals and should not be tried at home. Should they be, I am not liable for any distress it would cause you or your cat!

Chapter Twenty-Four:

Cats are Evil

Soft kitty, Warm kitty,
Little ball of fur.
Happy kitty, Sleepy kitty,
Purr Purr Purr

~Big Bang Theory~

They finally finished their last lap of the morning.

"Must…have…water," panted Sai while trying to suck the last bit still clinging to the sides of the bottle.

Naruto wearily made a shadow clone to refill their bottles and then fell back with an exhausted grunt. "So tired…"

"Suck it up," Kakashi said with no compassion as he sat there calmly reading his book. "Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle. If you want to become a jonin; the strongest and most powerful of all shinobi, then you will have to dedicate most of your life to training in the ninja arts."

Sai tried to maintain an interested look as Kakashi lectured them, but all he could focus on was the fact that their sensei hadn't even broken a sweat. Sasuke ignored him completely and studied Naruto instead. "That really is a useful jutsu," he commented.

"You want to learn it?" Naruto offered. "I can show you how to do it." Sai and Sasuke both looked very intrigued at the idea. "Here…do what I do."

Kakashi's book hit the ground while he hit the roof. "No!" he shouted. He stepped forward and grabbed Sasuke and Sai's hands to stop them from forming the seals.

"But Kakashi Sensei…"

"No."

Naruto caught the look on Kakashi's face and groaned. "Aw man, I know that look. Please not another lecture."

"I never lecture," the copy-nin tried to deny, only to backtrack at Naruto's sharp burst of laughter. "I simply encourage others to see things from my perspective."

Naruto huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. "Sounds like a lecture to me," he muttered under his breath.

"Now listen very carefully you three," Kakashi said with more seriousness than he had ever used before. "The Shadow Clone jutsu is a forbidden technique, and there is a reason why it is. The jutsu divides your chakra evenly among the clones you make. You boys are too young and do not have enough chakra to attempt it yet. In fact, that Naruto can even accomplish it with such ease is only because of his massive chakra stores, which neither of you have."

He looked Sai and Sasuke humorlessly. "It might kill you if you tried it. Do you understand?" At their solemn nods, Kakashi threw them the mission scroll to read.

Sasuke looked up after skimming the scroll and said with a frown, "This is a cat."

"So it is," he replied with a smile.

Naruto, after reading the scroll over Sasuke's shoulder looked up with a question in his eyes. "Wait, this says that the cat belongs to the Daimyo's wife."

"Mmm hmm," agreed Kakashi.

"Well how in the hell did it get all the way out here? The Daimyo lives all the way on the other side of the Land of Fire."

Kakashi just shrugged innocently.

Naruto wasn't buying it. He gestured to Sasuke and Sai to come closer and then, in a low undertone, said, "Something is fishy here."

Sasuke rolled his eyes and waved his hand dismissively. "Stop being so dramatic, baka, it's just a cat. How hard can it be to catch a cat? We are ninja, you know."

~~O~~

After an hour of searching Konoha, everyone was hot, sweaty, and more than a little irritated at not being able to locate the troublesome demon (a.k.a. cat). Naruto had enough. He had somewhere to be that day and didn't want to waste another minute. Summoning his vast stores of chakra, he created hundreds of clones and sent them out on the search for the elusive feline.

By the end of the hour they had spent searching the market, clones began to return carrying cat of every color, shape, and size. Big, old, skinny, fat… cats of every description were present.

"Baka," yelled Sasuke as he shoved the picture of Tora under Naruto's nose, "None of those look remotely like our target!"

Naruto grabbed the photo from Sasuke's hand and squinted hard at it. "That one over there kinda does," he said pointing to one of his clones holding a large, brown animal in its arms. "The red bow is missing, but she could've knocked it off. I say we slap a new one on her, return her to the Daimyō's wife, Madam Shijimi, and call it a day."

"I am thinking she will notice the difference," disagreed Sai, "as that is not even a feline. I am certain it does not even belong to the Felidae family."

"Huh?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "It's not a cat, dobe. That's a… what is that?"

The clone holding the animal began to struggle to maintain his grip as it fought back. He dissipated in a puff of smoke as the animal viciously bit his arm. All the other cats began to struggle and howl to be released in order to escape being in close proximity to the little beast. Soon the market was filled with panicked cats scrambling away.

Kakashi buried his nose deep in his book to hide his mirth. Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. Sai patted Naruto consolingly on his back. "It is alright Dickless," he said, "I've never even heard of anyone being able to capture a ninja rat before. That has to count for something."

Naruto shrugged. "Eh, some of my clones get a bit confused after being replicated so many times. The good news is that another one just reported that he saw the real Tora near SairenLake."

"Are you sure it is the real one this time?"

"Well, it's not like I can question the clone, Teme. It just dispelled. He saw that it was brown, fat, and wore a red bow on its ear."

"Why don't we…," began Sai. He sighed heavily as they set out towards the target's location without listening to his idea.

~~O~~

It was Tora… and she was not happy to see them… not at all.

Sai leapt on top of the cat, splaying her flat on the ground. He picked up the dazed feline by her paws and held her out for their inspection. Sasuke snatched the cat and held her to his chest comforting it.

Naruto just happened to be looking at Tora when he saw one red, beady eye crack open. "Uh… Sasuke…?"

With a glare, he said, "That is not how you treat a cat. Why do you think mine won't come out of hiding whenever you come over to my house? Cats are noble, majestic creatures."

"Uh… Sasuke…?"

"And you," he said, rounding on the blonde and jabbing his finger, "You threw senbon at her…"

"Uh… Sasuke…?"

"What!?"

The cat let out a deep, mean growl the second before her claws came out and lacerated Sasuke's face with extreme prejudice.

"Oh never mind…"

"SON OF A…"

"Language," reminded Kakashi.

As Sasuke clutched the side of his face, Sai rushed forward excitedly. "Oooh, let me heal you!" He extended a glowing purple hand and added in a far too happy tone than was entirely suitable, "I have been eager to attempt this new technique on a live person."

Sasuke quickly covered his face and backed away. "Smart man," Naruto thought with a grin; he knew all too well the pain of Sai's new, experimental techniques. After that last one, he refused to help anymore. He liked being able to feel his lips move.

"Sai, what have I told you about using your teammates as test subjects?"

"Yes Sensei," Sai huffed in disappointment as the purple chakra in his hand dissipated. "But I promise this time he will not lose any hair."

"No."

Sasuke frowned at Sai and touched the back of his hitai-ate which covered the small bald spot. "Aho," he muttered.

"All right, let's split up. Sasuke, you and Naruto go south. Sai and I will go north." Kakashi dug in his pack and withdrew communication units. "Put these on and stay in touch. Once you have located the target, give us a call with your coordinates."

"Why don't we…," began Sai again, but as before, they took off without listening to him. "Typical," he muttered to himself.

~~O~~

"Target spotted," announced Sasuke into his mic.

"Remember, it must be alive," reminded Kakashi in their ears.

Naruto whispered to his partner, "Does he think we're stupid?" He pressed the talk button and answered, "Alive… we copy."

Sasuke's hand crackled and sputtered with lightening as he kept the cat within his sights and crept closer. He could see Naruto on the other side. They exchanged glances and without saying a word, nodded. The cat was mere feet from him.

Tora looked at him with his head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit.'

It was now or never. He gave the signal and they leapt forward. With his hand outstretched, Sasuke grabbed at the feline… and missed…

"aaaAAAAGGGHHH!"

Naruto received the full impact of the jutsu, and although Sasuke had only meant for it to be a mild shock, it wasn't. Sparks of electricity raced through his body, forcing his muscles to spasm painfully and his teeth to snap shut. When the release finally died down, Naruto wobbled two steps backwards and fell down in a heap.

When Naruto awoke, he was on his side in the fetal position, with tears in his eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, and with his left arm tucked under his body in the oddest position. He looked around in confusion and mumbled incoherently, his eyes twitched and winked, and his leg shook. "Whaa… whaa… what ha-happened?"

The cat was making meowing sounds he had never heard before, clinging to a branch hanging above them, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by Naruto's body flopping all over the ground.

"Sorry," grunted Sasuke as he pulled Naruto up by his arm. "You'll live," he added cool and calmly, "But that damn cat got away again."

Sure enough, Naruto looked up to see that Tora had escaped. He pried his hand holding the net open with great difficulty and quivered as another tremor ran through his body. He threw the net down on the ground and yelled, "Dammit Uchiha - that h-h-hurt! It f-f-feels as if I got b-body slammed repeatedly b-by the P-Pervy Sage. I'm g-g-going to b-b-beat the crap out of you for that, you b-b-big jerk!" He rubbed his lips with his sleeve, certain that they had been blown off. Drool ran down his chin as he snarled at the Uchiha.

Sasuke smirked. "You're welcome to try… after we catch that stupid cat. You know that the mission comes first."

"Oh sh-sh-shut up teme, I know that." He touched the com on his neck to try to reach Sai, but discovered that it had been destroyed from the electrical current. "Get Sai's a-a-ass over here… that cat is so g-going down." The expression on Naruto's constantly twitching face turned murderous, as he reached into his pack for a kunai.

Sasuke frowned. "We're supposed to return it alive, Naruto."

"I d-d-don't recall that s-s-stipulation," said Naruto with a manic laugh.

"You can't kill the damn cat."

"But it d-d-deserves it!"

"No. Killing. The. Cat."

"K-Killjoy," muttered Naruto while putting the weapon away.

Sasuke patted Naruto consolingly on the shoulder and then pulled an explosive tag from his bag.

"Hey, if I c-cant stab it w-w-with my k-kunai, then y-you sure as h-hell can't b-b-blow it up."

"Hn. It's a mild one. Besides, it won't kill the cat… just knock it out for a few hours."

"N-No Teme."

~~O~~

Kakashi took in the scene with amusement. He saw a faint smoke cloud above Naruto's head which seemed to coming from his hair. "What happened to you?!"

"Ask Mr. Z-Z-Zip-Z-Z-Zappy there," growled Naruto as he pointed to Sasuke. "You just h-had to teach h-him the Chidori, huh?" His still twitching eye had been driving him crazy so he had angled his headband over the orb in an imitation of his father. A series of lowly muttered obscenities escaped his lips as his leg shook hard and he nearly fell to the ground. "I'm still l-looking for m-my nuts and I'm offering a s-s-significant reward for their s-s-safe return!"

"Language," reminded Kakashi. "Or do you want another week of 'D' ranks?"

"No-no-no-no!" shouted the other two as they slapped their hands over Naruto's mouth and glared at him.

"I believe he is still in shock, Kakashi-Sensei." Sai hastily assured the copy-nin with an air of desperation, "He does not know what he is saying." He kept his hand over the blonde's mouth and straightened. Speaking in a stern, no-nonsense tone, he said, "I have tried to tell you all that I had an idea. Now if you would all shut the hell up and listen to me, I can tell you what it is."

Naruto pulled his hand off his mouth and grinned widely, "Well, w-why didn't you s-s-say s-s-something earlier? We're all e-e-ears, buddy."

Sasuke smirked at Naruto, who gave him the finger while Kakashi looked up from his book as Sai rummaged through his pack. He took out his boxed lunch, set it down on the ground and then opened his scroll to draw. As the four huge lions leapt from the scroll, he opened his lunch. Withdrawing a piece of tuna, he held it out to them and exclaimed, "That's right girls, who is your parental figure now?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes and made a sound that someone who didn't know him as well they did would have missed, but his teammates instantly knew was amusement.

Naruto sniggered. "Daddy, Sai. The expression is: 'Who's your daddy?"

"That is what I said."

Naruto grunted, "Whatever. So you got a little fish. How do you intend on catching the cat once it comes?"

"If it comes…," added Sasuke.

"Sometimes," said Sai as he handed the tuna to one of the lions, "It takes a beast to capture a beast." The lions melted into the shadows of the trees as soon as Sai gave them the signal. Within minutes, a roar echoed through the forest. Sai gave his team a smug look as one returned and sat in front of him like a dog waiting for his reward. It spat out the subdued cat and dissolved into a puddle.

"So, who is your… daddy now?"

"I have to say, Sai, you really have your moments," Sasuke said seriously. "Granted, they're small ones, pretty much few and far in between, but you do have them."

Sai grinned briefly before his smile faded. "...what do you mean by small and few and far in between?"

"Well, she's black," exclaimed Sasuke, "Why is she black?"

"Well I am a genius you know, but even I am not perfect." He explained, "She was in its stomach. My lions are made of ink."

"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, Aho."

Tora gave a piteous meow as Sai stuffed her into his bag and handed it to Sasuke. He looked up at Kakashi and asked, "Are we done yet? I have a date tonight."

"It's not a date Aho. We are just meeting the girls out at the lake to have a picnic," reminded Naruto with a blush as he noticed Kakashi looking at him with a teasing glint in his eye.

Sai shook his head. "I disagree; a date is defined as an appointment to meet someone for a social or romantic activity. One: We are meeting the girls in a secluded location and two: there will be food. That meets the criteria for a date."

"I don't think so," Kakashi smirked. "A date at your ages can usually be defined as a meeting between two mutually attracted people which will always end in the boy leaving sexually frustrated."

"Sexually frustrated?" echoed the three in bewilderment.

Kakashi sweat dropped as soon as the words left his mouth. Loudly, he said, "Uh never mind… you'll understand when you're older."

Naruto crossed his arms petulantly across his chest and grumbled, "He always says that. If that's really true then we're gonna be freakin' geniuses when we older."

Kakashi ruffled his hair as he walked by and added with an indulgent chuckle, "By the way, you do know you can't return Tora in that condition, right?"

~~Two Hours Later~~

The curious ninken stood at the door with his ear cocked. The screams coming from the tiny room fascinated him.

"Hold her down! Hold her down!"

"Shit, her claw's stuck in my arm."

"Oww damn it… she bit me!"

"Don't kill her!"

"Son of a …"

"Don't put that shit on me; put it on that damn cat!"

"I'm trying the best I can… hold her down!"

"Get her face out of the water, she doesn't have gills, you idiot!"

"No fire jutsu in my house!"

"Aaaagh… damn it!"

"Someone get her off the ceiling!"

"You do it!"

"Get her off my head!"

"I'm not doing it!"

"Get 'er off! Get 'er off! Get 'er off!"

"Stupid cat!"

"Oww damn it… she bit me too!"

Ūhei watched them scramble out of the tiny bathroom and slam the door shut. They were all covered in blood, sweat, and long thin scratches. "Cats are evil," muttered Naruto as he removed his shredded shirt and winced at all the bloody holes. "This was my favorite shirt too. Stupid cat…"

Sai peeled off his pants and dropped them to the floor.

"What the hell are you doing Aho?" demanded Sasuke.

"I'm hurt," moaned Sai as his hands moved to the waistband of his boxers, "and I'm fairly certain that my testicles have been punctured."

Sasuke regarded him steadily and said calmly, "If you take them off here, punctures will be the least of your problems. How would you like them poached?"

Sai carefully pulled his waistband out and looked in. After a careful inspection, he said in relief, "Everything's good there."

"Glad to hear it," said Naruto, slapping him on the back. "Now could you please put your pants back on before my mom sees your junk?"

"Soooo, what are you three up to?" Ūhei asked in curiosity.

Naruto gave the hound an annoyed look and shuddered. "We had to give Tora the cat a bath, but we still can't get the ink off. She won't stay still long enough for us to rub the shampoo in."

"There is a much easier way, you know."

"Really what?"

"Open both lids of the toilet and dump in some shampoo to the toilet water. Then you cover the cat's eyes so she can't see and put her in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid so that she cannot escape."

"We can't do that… can we?"

"Sure you can. Toilet water really gets rid of ink," said Ūhei with absolute seriousness. "Just be really careful that you get any part of your body too close to the edge, as her paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find."

"Then what do we do?"

"The power wash and rinse cycle…you know, that where you flush the toilet three or four times. I have found this method to be quite effective."

"You've never washed a cat."

"Only in my dreams puppy; only in my dreams…"

Naruto sucked on the heavily bleeding pad of his thumb and gave a shrub. He pulled the digit out with a pop, watched it well up again with crimson droplets and said, "Hmm, it's worth a shot."

Sai, busily healing all the deep scratches on his arms, said angrily, "I'm in, that cat is so going down… and you, Sasuke… are you in?"

Sharingan blazing, he nodded grimly. "Hell yes."

AN:

So I found this joke on the internet labled 'How to Give a Cat a Bath' and just had to put it in here. I wish I could say that I made it up, but I didn't. Everything else is mine though!

Thanks to my brilliant beta, THECOOKIEMONSTER77 for the idea for this chapter!

Thanks to everyone that followed/favorited/commented on the last chapter! And a special thanks to guests - stephanie, Gamma89, Lucas2564 (Hope you didn't think this chapter was a filler!), and the unnamed guest who flamed me! Really - who reads 24 chapters if they hate the story so much?! LOL

Ja Ne,

AZFAERYDUST