DISCLAIMER: No matter how much I want it, I do not own Naruto. I am still only borrowing the characters and promise to return them in good condition – well, maybe slightly battered!

Chapter Twenty-six:

Please Get the Hell Out!

It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
It's my life

~Bon Jovi~

It was a gorgeous day. The weather had finally cooled down and left Ayame with a spring in her step. Kakashi was right in making her stop working; not that she would admit that to him, because she tired so quickly now that she was so heavy with child. She was alone in the house with team seven out doing some missions and training…well not really alone. One of his many little spies was in the house.

Feeling more energetic than she had in weeks, Ayame decided to go for a walk in the woods and then a quick stop at Anko's for a visit.

As she was putting on her sandals, the little spy came into the room. He sat down next to her and watched her as she was getting ready.

"Where are you going Ayame?"

She studiously ignored him until she finished. "Outside," she lied with a gentle voice, "Anko and Kurenai are meeting with me."

"Does Kakashi know that you are leaving? He wouldn't like it. You know that he worries about you getting…"

"FOR THE LAST TIME, I WAS NOT LOST!" she said, exasperated at the constant reminder. She took a deep breath to calm herself and said in a quieter tone, "I told you all before that I was only taking the scenic route."

It was the reason why Kakashi insisted that she did not leave the house without him or one from his pack of ninken. He thought she might get lost and go into labor without anyone to help her. "I did come home on my own, you know," she reminded him.

"Scenic route, my tail!" thought Guruko with a groan. She had been gone for five hours. The only reason why Kakashi hadn't torn the village apart looking for her was because Akino had secretly followed her. The woman had the most horrible sense of direction any of the pack had ever seen. "You are the Alpha Bitch; it is my honor and duty as Kakashi's ninja hound to escort you to your destination."

Ayame mentally groaned at the loss of the walk in the woods and then resigned herself to having the dog follow her. "Guruko," she said, "Please remember that I really don't like being called the Alpha Bitch. I understand that it's a name of respect from ninken and all that, but I'm really not that fond of it."

The ninken whimpered and hung his head before muttering 'sorry.'

~~O~~

As they walked slowly through the quiet neighborhood and into the bustling section of Konoha, Ayame thought of Kakashi. While he was being undeniably sweet, he was driving her crazy. Whenever the baby kicked too hard and she moaned, he would nervously drop whatever he had in his hands and rush over to her. He broke three plates in the last month. He wouldn't let her cook because he said her belly might get in the way and she could hurt herself.

Naruto and the other boys of team seven were getting aggravated because he wouldn't let them take any 'C' rank missions because he didn't want to be more than a few hours away at any time.

It was entirely that rat, Guy's fault! He told Kakashi that it looked like she was having twins and then he went on to say that a lot of women used to die in childbirth. After those stupid comments, the man was a complete wreak. He would sit around the house just staring at her belly whenever he thought she wasn't looking.

He was driving her crazy…

~~O~~

Anko seemed to know that she was there before she had even reached the door to knock. She laughed at the girl's tired, sweaty face.

"Why…," huffed Ayame, "Do you…have…to live on…the second floor?"

Anko laughed again and welcomed her in the apartment where Kurenai was also.

"Not…you!" she said, pointing to the dog who tried to follow her inside. At Anko questioning look, she stabbed her finger towards the massive mound that was her stomach. "A man did this!"

Guruko stammered, "But-but I'm not a man…"

Anko pushed him out, saying cheerfully, "Sorry, but you are male and that's close enough for me. Apparently we hate men today!"

~~O~~

As soon as Ayame was seated comfortably, Anko eagerly said, "Alright, spill…"

"I need a break before I kill him. I was sleeping last week when something woke me. I opened my eyes to find him staring at me in some sort of trance."

"Eh, I caught Ibiki doing that as soon as I started to show. Kakashi's just being a big old nervous baby. It's kind of cute how they freak out. You should tell them how the baby's skull isn't formed fully when it's born. My big, tough husband nearly passed out!" She gave a little laugh at the memory and then asked, "So what did you do?"

"Do? What do you think I did? He scared me half to death so I screamed my head off. It must have snapped him out of it because the next thing I knew, he was standing beside the bed with a kunai in each hand."

"On no," Kurenai laughed. "That's not good."

"Oh it gets worse. Poor little Naruto came running in to protect me from bandits or whatever he thought was attacking. Kakashi threw both of the kunai at him. Luckily he was more awake than his father was or he could have been really hurt."

"So then what happened?" asked Anko.

"He has been apologizing non-stop for the past week. He thinks he might be a danger to the baby and me so he constantly overcompensates. I mean, I understand why he is so apprehensive, but he is seriously driving me crazy. I want to make dinner for my family, I want to go for a walk without being told to sit down every ten feet, I want to take a long bath without him standing outside the door asking me if I'm alright, but mostly, I want a day to myself without him watching over me like I'm about to die!"

Anko moved to closer to the women and confided to them her darkest secret, "I hate to admit it, but I have been very hormonal. Ibiki asked me if I would get my body back after the kid was born and I didn't try to maim him at all."

"No…what did you do?!" asked Kurenai in stunned disbelief.

She looked around again carefully even though no one was there. If a voice almost too low to hear, Anko admitted, "I cried."

"You didn't."

"I don't believe it."

"It's true. He didn't know what to do. He ended up practically running out of the house so now whenever he makes me mad or won't do what I want; I pinch out a few tears. It works like a charm."

Ayame laughed. "That's so mean."

"I still can't get over the fact that you and Ibiki are together after all these years," remarked Kurenai. "I would have thought the age difference would have been a deal breaker for you."

"Nah, you know what they say, the older the bull, the bigger the horns."

The three women laughed hard and then Anko smugly nodded. "Ah men," she sighed happily, "You gotta love them. But seriously, they're just like my mascara…they run at the first sign of emotion. You should try that Ayame... start bawling like a baby whenever he irritates you."

"It doesn't work. Hormones made me spend my whole fourth month in constant tears. It just makes him feel bad and then he tries to cheer me up with sex."

"Ah, if only we all had that problem with our men…," quipped Anko with a leer.

Kurenai thoughtfully tapped her chin. She looked up and slowly said, "I might have a solution for you. Just this morning, Asuma was telling me about a 'C' mission he is taking his team on. It's not too far from here but might take several days to accomplish and the best part is that it requires two teams. Some wild animal has been killing the local's livestock. They need two teams to search the area, find it, and kill it. He had asked me if I wanted to be the second, but I'll bet he wouldn't mind Kakashi going instead. We are supposed to leave tomorrow morning once he found a replacement for Shikamaru, since he is sick right now."

Ayame lifted hopeful eyes to the genjutsu mistress of Konoha and asked, "That does sound wonderful, but do you really think Asuma could convince him to go?"

"Oh yes," said Kurenai with a slight hint of pink dusting her cheeks, "He can be a very charming and convincing man when he wants to be."

~~O~~

Kakashi knew he should have run when he returned to the village after a day spent working on a long, boring lakeside beautifying mission with his team. He supervised (translation = Kakashi read his beloved Icha Icha books while team seven picked up all the trash around the lake).

Asuma was casually leaning against the gate waiting for them.

"Well, what have we got here? Did you boys have a grand mission full of adventure and intrigue?"

Naruto, very accustomed to Asuma, covered his mouth and sensitive nose with his shirt while the smell of cigarettes assaulted the other boy's noses. Their eyes watered as smoke blew in the wind toward their faces. All three rolled their eyes and wished they could have said yes to his question.

Sasuke tried not to wave the smoke away and muttered, "Tch, we were cleaning up trash again."

"Yes, and without jutsu, thanks to Dickless here."

"I said I was sorry, I mean how was I to know that it would make such a huge explosion?"

Sasuke's eye twitched. "And how many times have we asked you not to try your little experiments at home? Sai's eyebrow still hasn't grown back from the last one."

"You just have no appreciation for artistic achievement," sniffed Naruto. "Those have all been legitimate scientific research!"

Sasuke growled, "Don't give me that baka. You just like to blow shit up."

"I'm offended at your lack of faith in me. And besides, it's not as if you have any room to talk. Pyro…"

"I'm an Uchiha. Fire is in my blood."

"Oh hey, speaking of fire…"

"Don't. Even. Think. About it. I am not getting involved in any of your experiments. And the next time you even think about trying something new, let us know so that we can stage an intervention."

Asuma grinned at their squabbling. "Aw, that's too bad. So it sounds like you all might be in luck, you'll never guess what…"

Sai, still annoyed with the boring mission they had just completed, responded tonelessly, "I don't guess. I reach conclusions based on observation and then trial and error." He thoughtfully looked at Naruto and Sasuke as they laughed at the expression on Asuma's face. Suddenly it clicked and he smiled proudly. "It occurs to me that you're asking a rhetorical question rendering my response unneeded, are you not?"

The cigarette dangling from Asuma's lips nearly fell to the ground and he scratched his head quizzically. "Um… excuse me, what was that?" he asked in confusion.

Sasuke smirked. "Believe it or not, that was personal growth."

"Uh… okay, moving on…" He turned his face back to Kakashi's and announced, "I need a team to join mine on a little 'C' rank mission. Most of the other genin teams are out on missions or are down with the flu."

All three definitely perked up on that request. They had begging Kakashi for weeks to get one, but he always gave one excuse after another. They all turned pleading faces at their sensei.

"Mah, poor Ayame is stressed out right now. She's due in a couple of weeks and doesn't want me gone longer than four hours a day or at least someplace where I can get home within two."

Asuma held back the smirk that threatened to spread across his face. He put both hands in his pocket and slouched against the gate. His deep gravelly voice hid his increasing amusement. "Well, you're fortunate then. Kurenai just told me that she has two of her team members down with the flu, so she can keep an eye on your wife. My mission is to Ushi Village. You could get back here well within two hours if you tried."

"What are the mission details? My team is only genin."

"A genin team is fine. It's only a little bear hunting."

"Bear hunting?" asked Naruto in confusion. "How is hunting a bear a 'C' rank mission?"

Sai answered, "Because it is not within the village boundaries, right Sensei?"

Kakashi absentmindedly nodded, still trying to find a way to turn down the mission. "I'll need to speak to Ayame and then I'll let you know."

"Great. I'll walk with you, my friend. I wanted to see how the little squirt's new jutsu is coming along." Asuma smiled widely, exhaling a huge grey cloud of smoke right into their faces again. The smile only got bigger as they all hastily drew their shirts over their noses, having expected it from him.

Naruto turned red as Sai and Sasuke snickered. He shot them each the finger and a glare. "Aw shut it kitten, shut it angel-baby."

They just gave him unrepentant grins…the jerks.

"MOOO!" they chorused.

…

…

"You guys suck."

~~O~~

Kakashi summoned his whole pack of ninken before he walked out of the house. He had a deep suspicion that Ayame wanted him to go on this mission. She helped him pack his backpack…and Naruto's…and then she practically shoved them both out the door.

…and they weren't due to leave for another hour…

As he and Naruto left, he heard her singing and the tub running. All the way to the gate, he had to fight the urge to return home and stay there.

~~O~~

Naruto couldn't believe his eyes when the rest of the teams joined him at the gate. He rubbed his eyes hard, in case he was still dreaming. Sakura was Asuma's third team member for the mission.

Life was good…life was really good. They were finally going on their first 'C' rank mission and as a bonus, Sakura was going too! Only one question remained and as much as he hated to ask, he had to know… "Did they lift the ban on Ino and Sai having to keep a hundred feet apart?"

Ino bristled and said lividly, "That was only a village-wide sanction. I am a professional kunoichi of Konoha. I am very capable of completing a mission without killing him… unless of course, someone allows me that honor."

Sai nodded and replied, "It was enacted for the protection of the buildings and people within Konoha, dummy."

"Hey," Naruto gestured towards his body, "Feelings man. I got feelings."

Sai blinked and with a small secret look, whispered, "Moo."

…

…

"You know you exist only in my imagination."

AN:

Thanks to everyone that followed/favorited/commented on the last chapter! Thanks to Guests - Stephanie, Gamma89, & unnamed.

Alright, so I set the stage for the Ushi Village arc. Hopefully you all didn't find the conversation too stilted!

P.S.

This story is in 3 communities now! Yay!

Ja Ne,

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