AN:

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to update, but I was stuck. After week number three of writer's block I decided to stop thinking about the next chapter and write whatever came to me. Well, it worked! I am finalizing that chapter now and in the mean time – here is what I dreamed up… a little what if… With Kakashi marrying Ayame, there is new family members... Sorry if it's rough, but I'm focusing on the next chapter so let me know what errors you find and I'll fix them!

I know that quite a few of you don't like Omakes and this chapter is basically one, so here's the deal – I will be posting the real one in two-three days. Skip this one if you want! For those of you who decide to read this – please enjoy my juvenile humor… LOL

Ja Ne

AZFAERYDUST

Oh and P.S. – Disclaimer still applies… You know the drill - I don't own Naruto, I don't make any profit from it, I cry in my pillow every night because of that sad fact… blah blah blah!

Chapter Thirty-Two:

The Gift

Sleep my friend and you will see
That dream is my reality
They keep me locked up in this cage
Can't they see it's why my brain says Rage

~Metallica~

Naruto looked longingly out the window and watched as the shadows from the bare tree limbs danced in the cool breeze. He sighed to himself and tried once again to focus on the task at hand. Although he was happy to be at home resting instead of at the hospital, it was the worst kind of torture to be inside on such a beautiful day, and then to be stuck doing this…

"Kaka, chocolate banana, tangy butt tree trunks, thunder from down under, booty hole burnout, excrement…"

"I get it Sai."

"Poop, feces, black banana, bomb dump, crap, butt nugget…"

"I said I get it Sai. I'll just use defecation."

"How do you get him to stop?" asked Sakura in fascinated horror.

Sasuke scowled at Naruto for getting Sai started. "You just got to let him finish when he gets like this."

"Brown bubbles, doody, dung, colon cannonballs, fecal pellet, poopoo, turd, rectal feedback …"

"How many is he up to now?" asked Naruto innocently.

Sakura, unable to take her eyes away from Sai murmured, "Umm, rectal feedback made it one hundred and eighty-one, by my count."

Of course, Ayame had to walk in the bedroom the moment she said that. She blushed bright red and studiously looked at Sasuke's report.

"Having problems, honey bear?" asked Ayame in concern.

"Chocolate explosion, colon blow, diarrhea, squirts, feculence, supersonic sewer sauce…"

Sasuke hid his face behind the papers he was writing on, but Naruto still heard his sniggers. "Shut it," he hissed as she perused the report he had been attempting to write.

"Lay a brown egg, let the dogs loose, movement, stool, make a deposit in the porcelain bank, murder a mud bunny…"

"Murder a mud bunny? Never mind, I probably don't want to know. Hmm, there doesn't seem to be anything on here except for your names."

"Yeah," Naruto sighed heavily, "I'm having a bit of a problem figuring out what to say. Dad told us we had to write these stupid things so that we could," Naruto made air quotes and frowned, "Gain proper experience and learn how to write reports because they're going to be a pain in the ass later. Later…? There a pain in the ass now! I get why he took off so fast this morning now."

"Hn, I agree; he just didn't want to write them," muttered Sasuke as he crossed out what he'd just written and scowled heavily.

Sakura leaned over his shoulder and read the statement in growing disbelief. "You can't put that in there, the Hokage will read it!"

"I can't put what in there?"

"Droppings, manure, ordure, diaper dump, cow pie, waste, toilet treasure, voidance, evacuation, outhouse output…"

"You can't say that our client was a sanctimonious prick."

"It is the truth."

"You still can't say that."

"Hn…"

"Bud mud, excreta, dejecta, a withdrawal from the bowel bank, butt gravy…"

…

…

As the awkward silence grew, everyone looked at the desk where Sai sat. He had picked up his paper and was busy jotting down his report as though nothing was wrong. "I think he's done," said Sakura aloud. "Are you done Sai?"

Without looking up, he replied, "Yes Sakura Haruno; indeed I am for now. I know of about ten others; however, my father requested that I not say them in front of women." Sai finished his sentence, sat his pen down, and looked up with an enthusiastic expression, eager to share his knowledge. "By the way, did you know that bile produced by the liver is responsible for making your feces a brownish, green color?"

"Sai, I'm pretty sure that's something no one ever wanted to know," mumbled Naruto as he took the paper back and laid it on the table.

Sasuke smirked. "Well there you go Baka – use one of them in your report. Personally, I kind of liked supersonic sewer sauce."

Ayame watched in concern as the blonde glared at his paper and then snapped his pen in frustration. "So what's the problem? Just write down what happened."

"That is the problem. How do you explain how one of the Sannin was killed in my mind? I mean, I have no idea how he actually died…"

"But you said he was squished into paste…"

At Ayame's sudden green tinge, Naruto snapped, "Sai – watch your mouth around my mom. And besides, yeah, he was killed in my mind but I don't know how he really died. I mean, how was it possible? It was in my mind…"

Sasuke knew what Naruto was truly worried about and it wasn't the report. "I really don't think you can be hurt in your mindscape. You know it had to have been that strange jutsu that the enemy used on you; it somehow made him real in there."

"Yeah, I guess…," he said doubtfully.

"Just write it all down and don't worry… only the Hokage will see it. No one else will know what really happened with you and your furry friend."

"Thanks Sakura. Are you sure you won't write it for me?" he wheedled.

"That's cheating," she replied primly. "I gotta go now. I have to meet with my team."

"Give Heirī and Shēn a big kiss from me!" sniggered Naruto.

"Ha-ha, very funny Baka," said Sakura as she walked out the door. "And by the way… enjoy your bed rest!"

Ayame laughed at Naruto's disgruntled expression and then asked, "I changed my mind… why exactly was Sai saying all those words?"

"Oh umm…"

"He asked Sai for another way to say defecate because he couldn't spell it. Unfortunately for us all, Sai knows two hundred synonyms."

~~O~~

Two hours later, they all had finally finished their versions of the events at UshiVillage. Naruto happily threw his pen down and lay back in the bed with a tired moan. "You know, I shouldn't have had to write that stupid thing… I'm injured."

"Nice try Baka. Your hand isn't injured, just your min…" Sasuke stopped mid-sentence and crinkled his nose. "What is that awful stench?"

"I don't know. My mom is making us lunch and…" Naruto suddenly recognized the odor coming from the kitchen. His eyes opened wide and his face paled. He threw his covers off and desperately tried to crawl out of the bed, but still being weak, fell into a heap on the floor.

Sai, astonished with his antics, tried to help him stand. As he was reaching down, Naruto roughly pushed him away.

"It's too late for me," he gasped, "Run for your lives! Save yourselves."

"What are you talking about?" they both asked.

"Boiled fish… nasty, disgusting boiled fish…!"

"So what, your parental figure is making boiled fish. What is the problem with that? Eating fish regularly can help ward off the serious heart rhythm disturbances associated with sudden cardiac death. It also appears to reduce the risk of heart attacks, strokes, and mental decline in old age. Although, I must say, boiled fish does not sound too appetizing. Boiling it will turn it into a paste."

"No-no-no, you don't understand… that's exactly the way it's made for old people without any teeth…" he paused to catch his breath and then shouted, "Ayame's crazy Granny Usagi is coming over for a visit!"

"Granny Usagi?" Sasuke's face was now paler than it had ever been before and his left eye twitched.

Sai rammed all his belongings into his pack and ran to the door. In his panic, he tried to push the door rather than pull it.

"WHY WON'T THIS DAMN THING OPEN?" he yelled hysterically and pounded on it. "LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!"

Sasuke sighed deeply in resignation. "Calm down, Aho. We have to stay… we promised."

Sai rattled the knob one last time before smacking his head on the door and dropping his shoulders in defeat as he remembered their oath.

They were a team.

They were brothers.

United.

No matter what.

"Shit!" he whispered, "She is always accusing me of being a pervert." Sai straightened up and brushed an invisible fleck of dust off his arm before turning around and calmly walking over to Naruto. He bent over, picked him off the floor, and placed him gently back in the bed.

"Tch, stop complaining; she thinks I'm her dead husband, Aizawa, sometimes."

Moisture gathered in Naruto's eye as he asked, "Really? You guys would really do that for me?"

"That is what brothers do," stated Sai.

Naruto laid his head on the pillow and closed his eyes in relaxation. A sudden thought occurred to him. He jerked his head and shouted, "SON OF A…!"

"What? What is it?"

"I thought it was a dream, but it wasn't a dream, he knew! It was real. That son of a – ugh! He knew and he didn't tell me."

"What? What is it!"

"My dad… I thought it was a dream!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes and reiterated, "For the last time – what?!"

"My dad came in my room really early this morning and said he was sorry that he couldn't take me with him." Naruto slammed his fist into his palm and angrily shouted, "Don't you see…?! He knew she was coming and that's why he took off!"

"Well, you can't say you can blame him. She is worse on him than anybody else. At least he wanted to take you with him. Oh well, there's nothing you can do about it now." Sasuke shook his head sadly, then strode over to the closet and began to rummage through it unto he found the box hidden way in the back. "I'm really sorry about this." he murmured under his breath and then ordered, "Sai, get him ready."

Knowing he was still recuperating, Sai tried to be as gentle as he could as he began to undress Naruto.

"Wait, what are you doing?! Stop it!" He tried to push Sai away, but wasn't strong enough. The shirt came off and then the pajama bottoms. "See – you are a perv! Get off me! Sasuke, help me!" he pleaded and then his mouth dropped in horror when he saw the box. "No, not that… anything but that!"

"It's for your own good, Baka. Remember the last time she came and you weren't wearing it? She put it on you herself. Do you really want a repeat of that?"

"No, but-but-but… I'm not a girl!" he wailed as Sasuke pulled out a frilly pink nightgown from the box; a gift from Granny Usagi.

~~ Granny Usagi ~~

A half an hour later, Naruto was still pouting. His patience; of which he had little to begin with, was stretched thin. If not for the fact that his chakra exhaustion had left him weak as a kitten, he would have jumped out the window and gone anywhere but here… even Guy's house would have preferable to this.

"Are you even paying attention?" snapped Sasuke as he reset the shoji board for the third time. "I know you suck at this game, but never this bad."

"Bite me, Uchiha." He puckered his brow, picked at the lace on his sleeve, and then finally asked the question that had floating around his head for some time. "So… how long do civilian women live anyways?"

"Tch, she'll outlive us all. You know that, right. The spiteful ones always live the longest. After all, she did say she would dance on Sai's grave."

"Oh yeah… wasn't that my tenth birthday?" Naruto frowned unhappily. "You know, you guys really don't have to do this."

Sai, trying very hard to cheer up his morose brother, quickly decided which approach to use based on the new book he was reading. He studied the pink-ribboned, white laced nighty and said, "Well, someone has got her panties in a twist."

Naruto scowled at Sai and gave him the finger while he just smiled and replied, "Don't be such a lady part."

"What?"

"You know… a cat."

"What?!"

"A willow?"

"Are you calling me what I think you're calling me?"

"Well, if you are going to cry about it, I can always ask your mother if she has any tissues in her purse… unless of course, you have one in yours… you big willow."

"When I get better, I'm so kicking your ass."

"Shut up, both of you!" hissed Sasuke. "I think she's here."

Sai, in nervousness, began to stammer, "Did you know that every day, the average person swallows about a quart of snot and turtle can breathe through its butt?" Sai gulped as he heard Ayame open the front door. "The green ring that is formed around the yolk of eggs that have been cooked too long is formed by the chemical reaction from the iron in the yolk and the sulphur in the white part of the egg."

From down below, they could all hear female voices – one young and one old. Their indistinct conversation was muted and low. Naruto began to sweat as he heard the cane thumping on the stairs.

"Did you know that obsessive nose picking is referred to as rhinotillexomania and that a person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day? Also, an average adult produces about half a liter of flatulent gas per day, resulting in an average of about fourteen occurrences of flatulence a day."

"Shut up Sai!"

"And did you know that air is passed through the nose at a speed of one hundred miles per hour when a person sneezes and a blink lasts approximately point three seconds?"

"I'm going to kick your ass in approximately point three seconds if you don't shut up!" hissed Sasuke as he tried to maintain his cool facade.

The door swung open.

Ayame came in and happily announced, "Look who's here to visit you!"

She opened the door wide to allow the woman to enter. Granny Usagi was a wizened, tiny old woman with long, curly grey hair tied up in a bun at the back of her head in a desperate attempt to hide the obvious bald spot. She had one milky-white eye and one black beady one. Her old shriveled skin drooped down her face in an ocean of wrinkles.

One surprisingly firm hand clasped an old mahogany walking stick, an expensive one with carvings of dragons twirled around the sides. Her other hand; knotted and twisted with age, was tightly wound around the handle of a large antique bag. Naruto knew something suspicious was lurking in the bag by the way that the bottom sagged, almost touching the torn red slippers she wore. She had a kimono on, a blue one that sagged to the ground.

"Wow, either it's very humid in this house or my underwear just turned very friendly."

"Um okay… hi Granny Usagi. It's uh… um… It's nice to see you again."

She noticed Sai staring at her clothes and whacked him swiftly with her mahogany cane, bringing his attention to her face. He bit his lip and tried not to cry out in pain. Something was wrong with this woman, No eighty year-old should have that much force in her arms.

The old woman's nostrils flared in annoyance when he softly let out a whimper. As he bent down to clutch his aching leg in both hands, she smacked his head with the stick. "Still the little pervert, huh Ping? You trying to look down my dress again?"

"My name is Sai and no ma'am, I…"

"I see you eyeballing me like I'm some sort of tasty treat."

"Oh Kami, no…"

She turned; already ignoring Sai as though he didn't exist, pinned Sasuke with her beady eye, and grinned. "Aizawa, is that you?"

"No ma'am. I am Sasuke Uchiha."

"Stop joking with me, Aizawa. Oh that reminds me, do you know why the speed limit of sex is sixty-eight? Because at sixty-nine, you have to turn around!" She slapped Sasuke on his back so hard he almost fell and laughed heartily at her joke.

Ayame gasped and said with disapproval, "Granny Usagi - that is not the type of joke you should tell young boys." She hesitated at the doorway for a moment, and then, deciding the old woman wouldn't be able to do too much damage (cane or not!), left to finish getting everyone's lunch ready.

The boys looked at each other in puzzlement. Naruto shrugged his shoulders and Sai took notes for reference. Sasuke muttered, "Tch whatever - I told you, my name is Sasuke Uchiha."

Granny Usagi grabbed him in a hug and kissed him soundly on the lips. "It's been too long since you've visited our bedroom, Aizawa. I have a good piece of advice for you… Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

"Hn."

Out of the corner of her eye, she caught Sai's subtle movement as he reached for his notebook again. She raised her cane threateningly. "Why are you trying to write down what I say? Are you some sort of spy or something?"

"I am a loyal shinobi of Konoha and…"

"Where's my little Naruko?" she trilled, "Grammy Usagi has a present for you, but first, I want some sugar."

As she shuffled towards Naruto, he began to sweat. "Oh Kami," he thought, "Anything but that!"

"But I'm twelve," he said desperately, "I'm too old for a kiss and my name is Naruto, not Naruko."

Closer

"You're never too old to kiss your Grammy, Naruko."

Closer

"But I'm recuperating."

Closer

"A little sugar will make you feel better."

The woman stood in front of him now, her daunting breath; reeking of rotten onions and garlic, flowing into his face as she exhaled. It almost masked the odor of cat urine that seemed to permeate her clothing. Her teeth were either chipped or missing, the remaining few yellow with age. Naruto could see the clumps of makeup in between her wrinkles and couldn't seem to stop himself from staring at the old skin hanging from her chin just flapping around when she talked. It was mesmerizing; almost like looking at the scene of a horrible accident.

Granny Usagi bent over and kissed him soundly on the mouth. Missing his nauseated look, she sat down beside him and began to rummage through her bag. She pulled the oddest things out of it – a cracked sake bottle, a pickle wrapped in tissue, a small rusted kunai, a box of condoms…

A box of condoms? Naruto picked it up and gave Sasuke a questioning look. She snatched it out of his hands and grumbled, "Don't touch those sweetie – those are Grammy's."

"But what are you doing with them?" he asked without thinking.

"What else would I use them for?" she asked in exasperation. "I may be old, but I'm not dead. I swear, today's youth is just so ignorant. Why in my day…"

On and on she ranted - and as he fought the urge to puke, she added, "My poor Naruko, I promise I'll visit you everyday until you get better!"

This time she didn't miss the pale, sick look on Naruto's face. She dug in her bag again and pulled out another bottle. She ignored his protests and made him take the 'medicine.'

As he coughed and sputtered, Sasuke asked, "Just how is sake supposed to be medicine?"

"Sake?" She brought the bottle close to her eye and squinted hard. With an unapologetic shrug she tipped it back and took a long swallow. Smacking her lips together in relish, she said, "Eh, works the same. Look, the colors back in her cheeks."

Wheezing, Naruto gasped, "Water…"

"Don't be such a baby, Naruko. Now here, take your gift. Mr. Nibbles is one of my favorites."

Out of the seemingly bottomless pit of a handbag, she pulled out a decrepit, old stuffed cat and put it on the boy's chest.

Naruto gingerly touched the cat and asked, "Mr. Nibbles?"

While Sasuke hastily backed away and covered his mouth with his shirt, Sai bent down to take a closer look. After a second he stated, "I would say that 'was' would be the more appropriate verb to utilize in reference to this feline."

Granny Usagi's gnarled, palsied hand clenched and her eye twitched. She reached into her bag and pulled out a bottle of pepper spray.

"Is! Is! I meant is!" yelled Sai as he jumped behind Sasuke.

"Ignore the little beast, Mr. Nibbles," she said as she stoked the mangy fur. "When you wake up from your nap, bite him."

"Oh gee, Granny Usagi, I'm so sorry but I can't keep him. You see, my dad's allergic to cats and I wouldn't want to get him sick." Naruto gave her an remorseful look that almost looked real and handed the stiff cat back to her.

"Humph, not like that lazy pervert is around much anyways. Every time I come for a visit he is away," she grumbled under her breath as she shoved the dead cat by it's tail into the bag and snapped it shut.

The old woman pinched Naruto's cheek, kissed him again (yep, on the mouth), and asked, "By the way Naruto, why are you wearing a girl's nightgown?"

"Uh, because you gave it to me."

"I most certainly did not. And you," she said, pointing to Sasuke, "Help me down the stairs."

Sasuke reluctantly walked over to her and held out his hand to help her stand. As she pulled herself up, she whispered something in his ear and slapped his butt. With a very red face, he left the room.

Naruto and Sai stared at each other for second before bursting into laughter. After they regained their breath, Naruto remarked, "Well, that actually went pretty well."

"Indeed, that was the most pleasant she has ever been to me."

"Yeah, I know. She didn't even try to bite you."

Sai smiled. "And she did not ask you to chew any food for her."

The room fell silent for a moment and then Naruto sniggered. "Bet you a hundred ryo that she tries to cop a feel."

Sai replied sagely, "It would be unwise to gamble when you are certain to lose."

Mere seconds passed by before Sasuke came storming into the room. He hissed, "I am no one's 'boy toy.' I'm leaving now. I need a shower."

Naruto hid his grin. "Hey, uh Sasuke… thanks for today."

"Hn."

"Oh and you might want to wash off the lipstick – coral pink isn't your color."

AN:

Thanks to everyone that followed/favorited/commented on the last chapter! Again, so sorry it took so long!

To the guest that commented on chapter three last week; I don't know if you will read this, but thank you for taking the time to write down your thoughts. Like the anime and manga - Naruto has a crush on Sakura. That does not mean they will be paired together (at least not in this fic) - they are kids! Anyways, I do not write this story for popularity's sake - I write it for me. I do plan on writing a Sakura/Naruto fic eventually, and a Sai/Ino and Sasuke/Hinata one as well - all probably not too popular, but I don't mind; it's what I like. As for Sakura's fight with Sasori - well, she did have Lady Chiyo with her, if you will remember.

Ja Ne,

AZFAERYDUST