It had been three weeks since he had returned and their life had regained its usual routine.

But nothing was the same.

He could almost see a distance…a falling gap between them that he didn't understand.

On the one hand she was quiet where she hadn't been before. She seemed to sink deep into her thoughts for what felt like hours at a time. Her body drifted lightly through her motions day in day out…but it felt to Harm as if she had lost that purpose, determination and strength with which she had always carried herself. On the other hand she seemed to flair up in anger and frustration rather suddenly and unexpectedly over things she never previously would have batted an eye at.

Worryingly three times in the last two days she had been reprimanded by the judge presiding her current case for her behavior inside the court room. Once for apparently losing her concentration so much so that she had asked for a recess when they had only just started. And twice for completely losing her temper with the accused, her client.

At home once in their own little private world he had more than once tried to initiate intimate moments between them which all ended in frustration…one excuse after another. Her kisses were now gentle but there was no fervor to them. Her touches were light and vague at best. Her hands drifting over him as if over air.

Her once healthy appetite and source of so many of his jokes had diminished to almost nothing. He could see her losing weight right before his eyes. Her face was drawn and her hands looked brittle.

And the nights…were full of nightmares. He was woken more than once by her shaking and trembling figure. Sweat breaking through her skin as he pulled her out of the depths and back into consciousness.

But what hurt him the most was her sadness. She was simply…so sad. Her eyes were dark and lost. Glossy with tears when she thought he wasn't looking. She cried at night when she thought he was asleep. She cried in the shower when she thought he couldn't hear.

He was terrified…because he was losing her…and he didn't even know why!

But it was not just him. It was everyone…and everything.

He didn't know whether she was aware of her behavior. He didn't know if she realized how this was affecting them. As husband and wife. As friends. As lovers.

'Does she not realize what this is doing to us?' he wondered as he sat at his desk one day.

He knew she was hiding something…a secret of some kind…but what? Where had their trust gone and where was all this leading them? Was she going to push him far enough that he would eventually snap.

Perhaps that's exactly what it would take.

Winter had well and truly set in as she walked through the wet grass and crispy fog that danced over the shrubs and tress along her way. It was three twenty in the morning. A fact that made no difference to her at all for a third night in a row. This would have been an otherwise beautiful sight had she been at all interested…but she only had one thought in mind.

She couldn't sleep. For days now she couldn't close her eyes without fearing her nightmares. Bloodied and painful ones. Images of her child. Of Harm. Her mind was unforgiving…and it was driving her to distraction. What's worse it was the one thing she couldn't control and she no longer trusted herself.

So following the path she now knew too well she made it to that spot. The one nicely tucked away behind the large oak tree that sat at the very back of their backyard. The scent of wood drifted in the air and filled her lungs as she knelt down over the wet soil.

There were no tears tonight.

Just guilt.

From the upstairs window…Harm had watched her make the same walk three nights in a row now. Down the path, between the shrubs and behind the trees…until he couldn't make her out anymore.

'Where are you going?'

"I'm off," she stated quickly as she walked around the bed whilst strapping her watch on.

She was dressed and ready. He was dressed and almost ready.

"I'm almost finished," working on his cufflinks as he stepped out of the en suite. "Give me a minute. We'll head in together."

"I have to run Harm. I'm meeting a client. I'll see you there," she walked past him and placed a light and fleeting kiss on his lips.

He had no time to react to the kiss but enough to grab her arm and stop her. She was surprised by his action and looked at him questioningly. His eyes looked at her as he did a puzzle. He needed to understand.

But instead of asking any questions, he cupped her face with his other hand and took the small step he needed to be right up in front of her. Lowering his head he kissed her. A kiss she didn't immediately react to. In fact she had stood motionless for half a second until she felt that deep desire within her. That need to have him.

And what began as a gentle kiss and merely as a need to feel her close to him, was gaining strength and heat. He needed to taste her…as he began to drive a little deeper. His tongue parting her lips as he let go of her, instead wrapped his arm around her waist pulling her tightly against him. His other hand moving to the back of her neck as their tongues wrestled sending sparks through their bodies. His erection evident against her abdomen.

She could do this now. She desperately wanted to do this now. Her two week restriction was over.

But she couldn't do this.

Their lips parted for air. His voice hoarse and deep as he whispered against her lips; "I need you." Before possessing her lips again. His hands began to work on her uniform. Working rather quickly. Too quick for her.

Pulling her lips away she begged through heavy breaths; "Stop. Harm stop."

But his lips covered hers yet again. Her shirt buttons mostly undone by now as he molded her body with his. She shivered as she felt his hands run along her waist. Her resolution was weakening as she felt that amazing burn between her legs. She needed him but more than that she wanted him. She had kept him at arms length for the last thee weeks with excuses only he could forgive. Perhaps she could…do this…

But a voice in her head panicked as her body began to shake in his arms. Not brought on by passion but by…fear. What was wrong with her? Why was she afraid of this? Why?

Slowly he had walked them back towards the bed. Her knees buckled as they hit the edge of the bed and he slowly lowered her down. Lying flat with him firmly on top of her, his right hand began to gently run between her legs as he alternated between biting and sucking along her neck.

She shut her eyes tightly wishing these thoughts away. Why was she scared?

Her breathing quickened feeling that not enough air was reaching her lungs. His body was pressing down on her and it felt too heavy. 'Stop!' she begged…but nothing was coming out. It was only until her instinct of fight or flight kicked in that she finally pushed him away with as much force as she could muster. "Stop!" A broken plead through closed eyes. "Please…stop!"

He immediately pulled himself away from her. "Did I hurt you?" he asked truly concerned. But she didn't look at him. In fact her eyes were closed. Her eyelashes wet from the tears that were welling at the sides.

"Hey," he whispered urgently as he lifted himself completely off her and pulling her gently by her arms he brought her up into a sitting position. With her legs hanging off the bed he knelt with both legs on either side of hers.

"Mac," he pleaded as he took her face into his hands. "Look at me." His worry evident in his voice. His own panic shining through. "Sarah…" he whispered. "Please tell me what's wrong?"

Her eyes remained shut but her cries gained strength. Her body began to shake as her shoulders sank and her head fell low.

"Sarah…baby please…." His thoughts running wild and fearing all the worst scenarios.

Lifting the back of her hand to her eyes, she tried to rub the tears away but was too weak; "I can't…" her voice so low and fractured he had barely heard it. "I can't…do this…" her voice almost an imploration.

She was a child again. She was back in that old rickety house, hiding in that small closet. Crying louder and louder to drown out the sound of shouting and breaking glass.

"Sarah," Harm insisted as he visibly saw her retract further and further away. He had to bring her back; "Sarah!" he finally commanded. Not loud but certainly firmly.

Her hands dropped to her lap limply in a sign of resignation. She gave up the fight. As her eyes finally opened a slit, just enough to see blurs of light, she could feel the words forming in her mouth. Her chest aching and not just from the physical exertion. Everything she'd been keeping close to her chest was bubbling up. She kept her head down watching her hands move together nervously.

'Please don't leave me,' was the last thing she thought before she whispered; "I lost a baby."

The words felt like cold water down his back. His hands lost the strength with which he had been holding her. His mind utterly blank as he tried to process the words; "What?" His voice barely a whisper.

"I lo…" Mac's voice broke completely before continuing almost desperate to get the words out; "I lost a baby." Her chest began to heave as she struggled for air and her tears turned to sobs that shook her violently. Bringing her hands up to her face she felt like hiding her shame and guilt.

Harm looked down feeling a tightness around his throat. His eyes now burning with tears.

A child

They were going to have a child…

Looking up at her he took her into his arms almost crushing her against him. Her body shaking against his chest. Her cries muffled against his neck. He gripped onto her for dear life…as he cried with her.

And although his heart was hurting he needed to know. Through gritted teeth he pleaded into her hair; "How?"

He needed to know. He needed to know all of it. When? How did it happen? And why hadn't he been there? She needed him and he hadn't been there?

'God!' an angry demand to the heavens.

Pulling away just enough he tried to find her eyes but they were hidden from him.

He begged again. His voice that of a broken man who had just lost a part of him he didn't know he had. "How?"

Mac tried her hardest to regain some control. She wanted to tell him everything. She was ready to tell him everything.