Len was shaking again. He was such a fucking idiot. He should have known things would take this route today, alone with Barry, close quartered and sweaty. The kid hadn't been subtle about what he wanted from Len for weeks, and Len could only be subtle in how he steered them away from that for so long.

It had felt like trying to sever a limb each time he pushed Barry away, turned his head aside, or broke from their embrace. Barry was so eager, so starved for him, and wasn't that the saddest part? That Barry Allen could probably have his pick of men and women, and he foolishly wanted the worst possible option.

Leonard Snart, forever unlucky in love, only this was the first time he was denying himself on purpose. Giving up what he wanted for someone else's benefit—that had to be something like enlightenment, like absolution.

It fucking sucked, burned like a hot iron inside his chest, but damn it, he had to believe he was making the right call. Barry might revert to hating him for a time—no, he almost certainly would—but in the long run, this would be better. Barry deserved someone less…soiled. Someone who'd never hurt him, who would bring light into his life the way he brightened everyone else's. Someone good. Someone younger. Someone better.

Len didn't know what floor he'd pushed once he got inside the elevator, but he didn't recognize the layout when he stepped out. He should probably go back up, but he welcomed the chance to be alone for a few minutes.

It was a narrow hall, so he walked a few steps just to leave the elevator behind. Against his will, his vision darkened, each new stride leaving him shaking just a little more, until the trembling surged through him and he feared he'd lose his breath and pass out on the floor where no one would know to look for him.

Rather than risk collapsing or stumbling upon something he wasn't meant to disturb, he paused to lean against the wall and took a few deep, soothing lungfuls of air. He knew why he was shaking; it always snuck up on him again when he tried to deny himself what he really wanted. Because he'd be lying if he said he didn't want Barry, so badly, so bone-deep it ached, but it was a selfish desire, too selfish; he was supposed to be better than that now.

He slammed a fist back into the walk, once, twice, the third time falling away weakly because try as he might, he couldn't stop himself from shaking.

"Hey, Citizen Cold! What do you think you're doing down here?"

Len gasped at the sudden intrusion of Cisco's voice. He pushed from the wall, but he wasn't fully steady yet and swayed. He braced himself with one hand as he glanced down the corridor at where Cisco had appeared, looking startled like he might need to rush forward and catch Len before he crumbled to the floor.

"I'm fine," Len said, and then grimaced as he remembered what Cisco had just called him. "And you nailed the name the first time, kid; stop trying to tamper with perfection."

Cisco snorted, his expression turning from worried to wholly unimpressed. He was holding that tablet he often carried, as he came to stand only a foot from Len. He leaned casually against the wall, almost mirroring Len, and seemingly still ready to dart forward and catch him if need be.

Len took in a long breath, focusing on Cisco to ground him until his breaths and hands were steady. "Sorry, I stepped onto this floor by accident, no hidden agenda. I just needed a breather after..." he glanced at the space between them, "sparring…with Barry."

"Wow," Cisco dead-panned, eyeing Len skeptically when he looked up, "good guy you sucks at lying. You also have a really short memory." He turned the tablet to face Len, which displayed live footage of Barry still in the room they'd been sparring in, huddled on the floor with his head on his knees like he was...sobbing.

Shit. Len should have expected that. But he fought the guilt building in his gut by turning an indignant glare on Cisco. "Apparently nothing that happens in this building is sacred."

"Hey, I wasn't spying," Cisco defended, pulling the tablet back into his chest. "I was planning to come watch you guys spar in person, but I had something to finish so I decided to multi-task. Then things progressed as they usually do with you two…" He rolled his eyes as if it was all just so childish and predictable then narrowed his gaze on Len. "So what the hell is your problem?"

Len was not having this conversation. He felt fine now and removed his hand from the wall, standing steadily on his own power. "You should go check on your friend, instead of wasting your time on me." He made to move around Cisco and head back toward the elevator, but this wasn't the same quivering young man he'd first met.

Cisco gripped his arm tightly, meeting his challenging stare with somehow even more fire than Iris or Eddie—though maybe not more than Joe. "Are you kidding me right now, because dude, you do not get to pull this shit. Yeah, I saw what happened. So sue me. I was fully planning to cut the feed and leave you guys in peace, when low and behold, just as I reach over to turn it off, there you are pushing Barry away, walking away even, and leaving him there—again. You aren't obligated to return his feelings, Len, but I do expect you to not be a dick. You don't get to play into him and kiss him back like that, just to throw him aside—"

"I'm not—!" Len nearly shouted before cutting himself off, stopping himself from slamming Cisco back into the wall after tearing his arm out of the kid's grip. He didn't give into his anger, that was never who he was; he was calm and in control even at his worst. But when the real anger was turned inward, it was harder to remember that.

He clenched his fists and stepped back to give Cisco space, who looked slightly spooked by the visceral response but not deterred. When Len didn't attempt to speak again, Cisco shook his head.

"You're both idiots, you know that?" he said. "I know you're not that same asshole who left Barry some cruel note and saluted the camera after using him"—and fuck it hurt to hear Cisco say it like that— "That's why it's so frustrating, because I know you really care about Barry, you've done everything you can to prove that these past few weeks, so what exactly is messed up in your head right now that you aren't being accepting of this one final thing?"

Len let out a disbelieving laugh. Cisco didn't get it. How could he? Neither he nor Barry ever could, because they were too young, too optimistic about the world still and what might lie ahead of them. Len knew better; he knew what he was worth. If he could make up for some of it by saving a few lives and protecting Barry and the others out in the field…that's all he had a right to ask for.

"God, you are so ridiculous," Cisco scolded him, arms crossed with the tablet tucked against his side and a petulant snarl on his face. "I see right through you, Cold. You can argue all you want over who you hurt the most in this group, but it's because of me that Barry's life was put at risk. It's my fault you found out his identity, so you wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me. Is that what you want? Do you think that would be better? Do you really wish you could go back to planning heists and one-upping cops and vigilantes until—"

"You know that's not what I want," Len broke in. "Not the way it was before. But that's the point. You know what I was. Did I seem remorseful then," Len took a solid step closer to Cisco, daring him to stand his ground, or to falter and hit the wall at his back, "when I threatened you and your brother? No. Because I wasn't. Feeling it now doesn't change that, doesn't fix anything, even if you do forgive me."

Bless the kid, because he did stand his ground, but as Len finished, Cisco's arms dropped and he looked at him like he felt sorry for him more than anything. "So we forgive you, but you won't accept it? And that's just it? You're going to zombie your way through this because you think it's what you deserve? I didn't take Captain Cold for a martyr. It would be one thing if you were martyring yourself for something earned, but this isn't a pity party, Len. You don't need to make up for all of that by being miserable and making Barry miserable with you."

Len opened his mouth to counter that, but he faltered. He didn't know what to say. He wanted to be angry, to fight back, to dissent again, but Cisco's passionate plea continued before he could find the right words.

"You think I don't get it, but I do. You don't think you deserve him. Well, you know what? You don't. You really don't, or this second chance you're getting that plenty of other people could probably pull off better," he said almost heartlessly, but Len sensed the softened blow coming even before Cisco's expression shifted into honest pleading. "But so what? Sometimes you don't need to deserve it. You'll probably never deserve it. But you know what you do when you get this lucky? You don't question it. You're always going to feel like you don't deserve Barry, because he has seen you at your worst and still wants you. He is a grown man who can make his own decisions, and if that decision is to love you then for fuck's sake, Len…let him love you."

Len rocked back on his heels as if Cisco had physically pushed him. Was Cisco really telling him to suck it up and take what he wanted even if Barry did deserve better and could probably have better, just because Len could? Just because it was what Barry wanted too?

And why not? Len wished Cisco's words sounded foolish, but they didn't. The more he digested the kid's argument, the more sense it made. Len had thought he was choosing the selfless path in letting Barry go, but in the end he was just being selfish again and he hadn't even realized it.

"Besides," Cisco spoke up, the charged intensity between them dissipating somewhat as he allowed a restrained grin, "Lisa has basically mandated that I help get you two idiots together, and I really don't want to be on her bad side."

Laughter bubbled out of Len before he could stop it. "Oh?" he said a little hysterically, amazed Cisco was openly admitting this. "Is she holding out on you until you succeed in this match-making scheme?"

Cisco deflated beneath Len's scrutinizing gaze. "Uhh…that is…really not something I want to discuss with you."

How much Len genuinely liked this kid stirred in his chest with unfamiliar warmth, not only for Lisa's sake, but as a friend for Barry...and for himself. "I don't disapprove," Len said despite the urge in him to torture Cisco a little. "Well…I do disapprove of these guerrilla tactics she has you pulling, but…" He shrugged. He couldn't imagine someone better suited for his sister and the new life they were striving for.

Cisco looked mildly surprised, definitely relieved, before sputtering, "Hey, stop evading. Because while I appreciate that—seriously, I was half expecting you and Mick to corner me at some point, and I've had at least one nightmare where that happened—Lisa and I are not the issue. And we haven't even had what I'd consider a real date with all this mess of…everything lately, so we haven't gotten far enough where holding out could even be a thing." He blushed in the wake of his impressive rambling, but shook his head as his resolve renewed. "You and Barry, on the other hand…"

"I get it," Len held up a hand, feeling the brief mirth shared between them fading as he looked at Cisco seriously again. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught the image of Barry tilted on the tablet with how it hung from Cisco's side showing him standing finally and moving to leave the room. Len looked up into Cisco's eyes. "You really think I should go after him?"

Cisco glanced down at the tablet, frowning with empathy for his friend. "He's probably going to the pipeline to think. He does that sometimes. And yes," he said as he looked up once more, "much as you often piss me off still...you should, because it's what you both want, and I'd rather see my friends happy, not caught up in all this self-sacrificing bullshit. Enough of that happens on patrol, thank you very much. And facing assholes like you used to be." He lightly smacked the tablet against Len's chest.

"Your friends, huh?" Len grinned at him.

Cisco's eyes narrowed. "Stop changing the subject, Cold."

"So about you dating my sister..."

Cisco slipped out from around Len and how he'd had him wedged against the wall, moving swiftly for the elevator. "Better hurry before Barry flashes away, man," he said. "Clock's ticking."

"Cisco…" Len called after him with a tinge of reproach—maybe a little warning. He smirked when the kid looked back at him. "There's only one way up, so where exactly do you think you're escaping to?"

Cisco glanced forward toward the elevator around the bend then back at Len, and slumped. "Urg, come on then. But you are not allowed to scare me just for the fun of it when you basically just gave me your blessing."

Len moved after Cisco as soon as the kid spun around to make for the elevator with all due haste. He snickered to himself, making a point to stand very close to Cisco once they were in the elevator on their way back up. "Says who?" he whispered down at him, and what sinister part of Len remained reveled in the shiver he caused. He couldn't go too easy on the kid, after all, if he was going to stay deserving of Len's baby sister.

They stopped at a floor Len had seen before but hadn't often visited—the pipeline. He hesitated as his confidence drained in the face of what was to come, but Cisco turned the tablet toward him, showing that Barry had already beat them up here and was clearly sulking in the main area where they had once deposited meta humans.

"I assume you're going to turn that off after I leave?" Len asked with a raised eyebrow.

Cisco swiped the screen to his background image, which Len was pretty sure was the symbol for the Star Wars Rebel Alliance. "I've had enough voyeurism to last me a lifetime, thanks. I'll turn the cameras off for down here when I get upstairs. But please don't think you need to take that as a challenge for what you two can get away with just because nobody's watching." Cisco eyed Len grimly as he extended a hand to keep the elevator door from closing. "Get going, Cold."

Len offered him a brief grin before stepping out into the hallway, feeling somehow more anxious than he had when anticipating first asking for Barry's forgiveness three weeks ago. He was still unsure of the decision to simply accept and take what he wanted, but maybe he didn't need to believe he was worthy. Maybe being worthy…isn't what mattered.

Len looked back at Cisco as the elevator doors closed. "Thanks, kid."

Part of Barry just wanted to go home, but when he felt his worst he often either wanted to run as fast and as far as he could…or move at a glacial pace to wallow in the ache. And it was an intense ache this time. He was such a fucking idiot.

He just needed a few minutes alone, surrounded by the white noise of the pipeline's hum, and then, then maybe he'd go home and try to bury himself in something monotonous to take his mind off of how not only did Iris not want him, but Len didn't want him either.

Fuck. Maybe Barry did want to run. He felt a terrible need to just get away, which was why he had come here in the first place, for once pleased that the pipeline was empty. He faced the door to the holding area and placed a hand on one of the glowing blue pipes. He felt the vibrations as much as heard the hum.

How was he supposed to face Len after this? He knew he was being maudlin about the whole thing. After all, as tough as it had been with Iris, he'd survived that, things had gotten better, and he was truly happy for her and Eddie now. But the freshness of this new wound made it harder to believe it would be that easy this time.

"Barry?" a tentative voice echoed to him down the cavernous tunnel.

Barry's heart lurched. No. Not now. He couldn't face Len this soon. "Can I, umm...can I just have some time alone?" he called back without looking, tightening his grip on the pipe he was leaning into. "I'm fine, really, I just…need a minute." Or maybe thirty. Or a thousand…

"Sorry, kid, I'm afraid I can't do that," Len said, closer, sounding already right at Barry's back, and how had he moved across the space that quickly without Barry realizing?

Barry whirled around, unsure if he should be ready for a fight after those challenging words. He hadn't wanted Len to see how red his eyes were, but now he had to look, and he gasped at how close Len was, only a foot from him as Barry turned, and not stopping his momentum forward.

Len, still in his sweaty T-shirt and pants, moved into Barry's space until Barry fell back against the door. Len's hand came up to grip his neck, the other reaching around Barry's waist and tugging him in against him with firm strength. He brought their bodies and mouths together and kissed Barry soundly, no hesitation, no words or moment to pause, and licked his way into Barry's mouth with an eager confidence that had been missing these past few weeks.

Barry was so startled, he couldn't do anything but kiss Len back, moving his own tongue in tandem, both hands up and braced against Len's chest in surprise. They moved against each other as if picking up right where they'd left off downstairs. It was a delirious, buzzing few moments, where Barry's mind struggled to catch up with what was happening.

When Len finally pulled away with a sharp intake of breath, he kept his hold on Barry, his lips hovering close and breath dusting across Barry's skin. "Can we pretend...that the last few minutes of complete idiocy on my part never happened…and try this again?"

Was Barry dreaming? He seriously wondered for a moment if he had passed out, maybe tripped in a moment of spectacular clumsiness and knocked himself unconscious. But if he was dreaming then he wanted to enjoy this for as long as he could.

He nodded within Len's close hold on him, feeling the dampness between them, their bodies and their lips, and wanting nothing more than to reconnect. He slid his hands up Len's chest and reached around behind his head with both palms clinging tight and pulled Len back to him. Whatever tears had still been in his eyes, streaked down his cheeks as their lips met once more.

Len's hands moved down to settle around Barry's back, as close of an embrace as they could manage without being pressed to a solid surface. Their urgency knocked them back into the door again though, and while it dug into Barry's back uncomfortably, he didn't care, because the leverage meant Len plastered his body against him and ground forward with every ounce of want and desperate need that Barry had been chasing these many days.

But as much as Barry wanted to give in and just accept this sudden change of heart from Len, the twist of pain from how he'd been denied and rejected once more by the person he most wanted made him too skeptical, too terrified it could all be taken away.

He shuddered as he pulled his head back into the door, licking his lips that Len had left moistened and tingling, and said, "Wait...please."

He held Len's head reverently, unwilling to let go, and arched without meaning to into how deliciously tight their bodies were met together. It wasn't easy to focus like that, especially with the way Len's icy blue eyes looked back at him through the barely there space between them with penetrating hunger.

"I…I don't understand," Barry stuttered. "I can't...can't do this just to have you change your mind again. If this is…pity…" He felt his face cringe at how awful that would be.

The heat in Len's stare turned suddenly cold, as heartbreaking disbelief filled his eyes. "Barry...fuck, kid, of course that's not it. Shit, now I get why Iris and Eddie looked so dangerous this morning. They knew you'd feel like this if I pulled away…" Len brought his hands up to Barry's face and brushed his tears away with the pads of his thumbs.

That earnest devotion was all Barry had ever wanted from the Len without memories. He'd take everything else about the man before him now if he could just have that along with it.

"I'm sorry I keep hurting you," Len said breathless between them, their bodies flush up against the door and each other, but held still, as they clung to each other's faces and their foreheads pressed together from sheer need to connect. "It could never be pity. Pulling away has never been about not wanting you, Barry. I want you. I want you so much it aches. But I don't deserve you…" he trailed as he choked on the words, and grimaced at the truth leaving his lips, "…and I never will."

Barry gaped. Len thought Barry was too good for him? That's why he'd held back and walked away? For all of Len's faults and tainted past, that being the reason he might reject Barry had never even dawned on him. It was rare that Barry felt good enough even for himself.

"Yes, you do," he said, tightening his hold around Len's ears and jawline to keep their gazes locked. "You turned your whole life upside down for me. You can't even say it's only because of the amnesia either, because it all started when you tried to save me. It hurts still thinking back to when you first walked away, the things you said and did…but you came back. You stayed. You faced trauma and confusion and a shaken sense of identity I'll never be able to understand, and when it was all over, we could have been enemies again, but we're here instead. Because of you, and the choices you made. If that's not…heroic," Barry grinned as he realized how much he meant the words leaving him, and how it made Len's eyes widen in wonder, "if that's not deserving of me just wanting to be with you…then I don't know what is."

They went for each other at the same time, hands wrapped around each other, tugging, Len's body pressing incessantly forward, as their tongues sought each other and moved in eager, smooth strokes.

Barry let his hands drift back down to Len's T-shirt so he had something to grip and twist his fingers into, pulling Len ever closer like it could never be enough. When one of Len's hands fell to Barry's neck, fingering at the tiny hairs there, and the other raked nails back to the crown of Barry's scalp and tugged, Barry moaned out of their kiss and bucked forward.

"Mmm…you like that, Scarlet?" Len panted beside his ear, in that same husky tone he'd used when asking if Barry liked the way his fingers moved inside of him, and that nearly undid Barry right there.

Barry couldn't grasp any coherent words for a response, but when Len tangled his fingers for a better grip, pulling just a bit harsher and using his hold to expose Barry's neck and latch his mouth onto the sinew there, sucking obscenely and licking at the skin, Barry's renewed moan echoed throughout the pipeline.

"You have no idea how much I've wanted this…" Len growled against his skin.

Barry bit his lip to keep from moaning again. His mind wandered to last night, and how vividly he'd imagined Len touching him and bringing him to rapture. "Oh…I think I do…"

Afraid he might accidently tear Len's shirt right down the middle in his eager twisting, wanting something, anything to do with his hands that would be as glorious as Len tugging his hair back while sucking on his neck, Barry suddenly knew exactly where he wanted his hands to go.

He moved them swiftly down to Len's waist, teasing along the elastic like he'd tried after their sparring, this time finally knowing that Len wouldn't pull away or ask him to stop. He slipped just his fingertips beneath the waistline and followed the fabric all the way around to the back. He could feel how hard Len was through their sweats, pressed tight together, rocking into each other's hips like teenagers.

Barry slid his hands cleanly, easily into Len's sweats, beneath the cotton and boxer briefs beneath that, touching nothing but skin as he gripped tight and pulled Len against him with another well-timed buck forward. He'd always wanted to grab hold of Len's perfectly sculpted ass, ever since he'd seen it bare in the shower with water cascading down the curves.

Len grunted in response, not quite a moan, but mostly because it choked out of him with the way he'd just pulled Barry's earlobe into his mouth. His hips stuttered forward to meet Barry's, tongue darting a little more fleetingly to lick along the rim.

"I…am going to put that tongue to better use soon," Barry huffed, squeezing Len's cheeks with both hands.

Len chuckled with dark amusement. "Oh? Do tell…"

Barry blushed, amazed those words had actually left him, because he had never thought of himself as someone who could pull off dirty talk, but it had just come so naturally to say that.

He arched his neck back to give Len more access, moaning a little every time Len gave a fresh tug with the grip he had on Barry's hair.

Barry's first thought was of Len's mouth around his cock, of course, because the very idea was mind-numbing to consider, but then his thoughts drifted back to how Len's fingers had felt moving within him so assuredly, and he couldn't stop himself from saying, "I'm picturing that tongue…inside me…making me wet so I can ride you…"

The most gratifying moan fell from Len's lips as he shuddered against Barry, nosing his neck as he caught his breath, and stilling any movement of his hips like he desperately needed a moment to contain himself. "Fuck, kid…you can't just say something like that."

Apparently Barry was good at dirty talking. He grinned as he gave Len's ass another firm squeeze and tilted his head to whisper in his ear, "What are you gonna do about it?"

Len growled a deep, promising rumble.

Then Barry remembered where they were, and how the door into the main part of the pipeline was biting into his back. "Len…the cameras," he said, peering over Len's shoulder and wondering if anyone was watching, which…was a strangely alluring but also mortifying sensation.

"Cisco said he'd…turn them off."

"You really want to risk it?"

Len seemed to think about that. He finally released Barry's hair and moved both hands to just grasp Barry around the shoulders and hold him to his chest. "I want to make these past three weeks up to you," he said, and pulled his head back so they could look each other in the eyes. Len's pupils were wonderfully blown, just a sliver of blue showing, his cheeks flush and lips glistening. "Got any place in mind?"

Barry considered logistically rooms in the labs, but everywhere had potential cameras, and they really didn't need more footage of them archived like that. Then he remembered that Joe had been on his way into work when Barry left for S.T.A.R. Labs. No one was home. The very bed Barry had touched himself in thinking of Len was waiting for them with no distractions, no interruptions, and no hang-ups left between them to ruin this.

Barry took a few deep breaths as he slid his hands out of Len's sweats and gripped him around the waist. Their erections still met impressively hard between them, but they'd held any crescendo at bay for now, and looked into each other's eyes with serious purpose.

"Hold on," Barry said with a wicked grin, and zipped them out of the labs.

TBC...