Title: Plan C
Chapter 21 – How Do You Move Forward?
The two of them remain in morbid silence until all fluid emotion is spent; Benny still rocking Aurora in his arms in her room; Matt still at the hospital with Andrea.
"I uh…I think I should…do something," Erin states as she pushes herself upright, Kelly standing up with her.
"Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat?" Kelly asks softly.
"No. I want to…to go back in time and…and be in that room," Erin states absently as she pulls away and heads for their bedroom, both of them hearing Benny trying to get Aurora to stop crying.
"Hey…this wasn't your fault," Kelly tries to remind her as Erin pauses and looks up in misery. "You couldn't have known."
"Oh and you're okay with this?"
"No…course not but…"
"But you didn't give your word to your friend and husband and then fail in the worst possible way!"
"That isn't fair and you know it!"
"Stupid case! Who the hell cares about Derek Johnson and…" she hisses as she looks away once more. "I should have been in that room. I'm a cop…I carry a gun!" Erin tosses back with an angry sniffle as she looks at Kelly with a glare. "That's what…that's what Preeti told me and…and she was right."
"Erin…"
"What? It's not my fault? Is that what you're going to say?"
"Yes," Kelly answers pointedly.
"Well it is! I should have been there!" She growls as she stomps into the bathroom and then stops suddenly. "Should have been in that room," she whispers as she looks at her disheveled appearance in the mirror, her eyes dropping to the now dried blood stains on her top; fresh tears filling her already puffy eyes. "Preeti was right…I promised and I should have…"
"No, this wasn't on you."
"What if Aurora had been killed!" Erin tosses back angrily as she slams down the object in her hand onto the counter, Kelly's face actually wincing; her posture instantly un-tensing. "Kelly…what if it was her?"
"It wasn't!" Kelly answers sharply before he quickly recants.
"What if it was? How could…how could you ever face me." She looks at him and shakes her head and then turns around, looking at the blood stains and then feeling her heart sink. "I can never face them again Kelly. Preeti and Gurj…I can never face them again."
Kelly takes a few steps closer, his hands wrapping around his wife's slightly shaking shoulders and giving them a comforting squeeze.
"I promised her Kelly."
"I could tell you a million times but you won't listen to that right now. You're not to blame."
"As soon as he would have stood up with that gun…Kelly I could have taken him out…how many were killed?"
"Erin…"
"HOW MANY!" She tosses back in an angry tone before she curses in an undertone and then turns around. "I need to get this off…" she stammers as her fingers fumble with her top. "Get it off….get it off!"
"Hey hold on a second…" Kelly takes her hands and stops them.
"Aren't you mad?"
"Yes!" He shouts back. "Is that what to hear? That my daughter could have died because you weren't in that room? Yes I'm as mad a hell!"
The two of them hold each other's heated gaze in the small bathroom; tension continuing to build for a few seconds until Kelly shakes his head and grumbles in an undertone.
"Kelly…"
"That's what you're telling yourself right? That that's what I'm thinking?"
"It's the truth. Preeti said it herself!"
"She's angry and pissed and…Erin, her daughter was killed in a spray of bullets of course she's blaming everyone…she doesn't mean it. She has someone to blame and it's not you."
"She has every right to hate me," Erin says as she turns around and then looks at her blood stained shirt. "I hate me," she adds in such a low tone that she hopes Kelly didn't hear. He did.
"I don't," Kelly tells her in truth. "And…" But, before Kelly can say something else, both of them hear Aurora starting to call out once more; Benny's footsteps heard a few moments later. Both look up as Benny enters the bathroom entrance with a crying Aurora in his grasp.
"Dadda," she whimpers as they near; Aurora's arms reaching out for her father and Erin looking at the little girl in misery.
"Hey love bug," Kelly whispers as he holds his daughter close, kissing her cheek; Erin's eyes watering as she turns away; her mind inwardly screaming I'M SORRY!
"Should I order in some food?" Benny asks softly as Erin looks up, catching Kelly's wondering glance in the mirror. "Greek, Chinese…pizza. Whatever."
"Sure…yeah," Kelly replies as he continues to rock his daughter in his arms. "I'll get her into her pajama's."
Erin nods as she watches both Severide men take their leave and then turns back to her tormented reflection in the mirror.
'IT'S YOUR FAULT MY DAUGHTER IS DEAD! YOU PROMISED! YOU'RE TO BLAME! YOU!'
"I'm sorry," Erin whispers as she locks the bathroom door and then starts to remove her blood stained clothing. "Oh God I'm so sorry…" she laments as she feels her legs threatening to buckle. She knows, in reality, it's not her fault. But it would take some time before she believed it.
She tosses her ruined top into the garbage and then turns on the water for the shower, wanting to wash the days terror off her. But each time she closes her eyes, Erin sees the horror all over again. Children all over the place, crying and screaming and holding each other; teachers calling out, her partner directing the medics and her looking down at Aurora's limp frame in her grasp while Kelly looks at her, yelling 'what did you do!'
Her body shudders as she finally steps under the hot water, unable to scrub away the dirt, sweat, blood and tears fast enough. She sees Jasmine's lifeless frame in her grasp; her mother yelling at her that her daughter's death would be forever on her head and she starts to cry once more; the hot streams doing little to calm her fraying nerves.
Kelly looks down the hallway and then up to see his father watching him; Aurora playing with something as she sits on his lap. "I don't know what else to say to her."
"The pain is too real right now."
"She gave Preeti…her word. Dad…how I can even help her get past that? She held our friend's…." he pauses as Aurora looks up with a sad expression.
"It'll take time," Benny tells his son in truth. "I don't have the right words either. I don't know if there are right words. Over the years…you see friends, even close ones lose children and…and it's always hell. There are no right words right now, it'll just take time," Benny concludes as Kelly's phone buzzes. "What's up?"
"It's from Matt. He says…Andrea's had part of her spleen removed but she'll be okay. She's staying overnight and…she's upset and distraught and feels guilty."
"At least Matt's there with her," Benny states in truth as Kelly texts back his acknowledgement.
"So much guilt and…misery from one senseless act," Kelly huffs as Erin finally appears, freshly showered and dressed in sweats, giving Aurora a kiss on the head before she reaches for a beer and then slumps into a chair between Kelly and Benny.
Silence starts to grow for a few minutes before a knock is heard at the door and Benny hurries to get the food. Kelly looks at Erin and notices her staring down at something on the table with an absent stare. She finally looks up and offers him a strained smile.
Before she can offer another word, Benny comes back into the kitchen with the two bags of food in his grasp – Greek dinners all around.
But as much as it was a good idea, the four of them aren't that hungry and mostly pick at their food; Erin drinking a few more beers than Kelly, who watches her in concern. Aurora finally falls asleep after dinner, Kelly putting her to bed and then heads into Matt's bedroom to get a bag for his father to take to him at the hospital for his overnight stay with Andrea.
"I'm going to leave the door open…just in case Aurora cries or…needs us," Kelly tells his wife as he enters their bedroom a few minutes after his father left.
"Okay," Erin agrees as Kelly nears the bed and then climbs in, shuffling over to her side and then looking at her in concern. "Pauline texted earlier…just to check in. She'll be by in the morning."
"Good," Kelly nods as his fingers reach out and tuck a strand of hair behind his wife's ear. "I think we should take Preeti and Gurj a card or flowers or…something," he mentions as she looks over with a sad glance.
"We should. Maybe…you'll take it to them right?"
"Erin…"
"They hate me Kelly."
"No. You can't keep thinking that," Kelly insists as Erin's head slumps down onto the pillow and she looks up with a sad expression; his fingers brushing her flushed cheek.
"I um…I was scared today," she confesses in a soft whisper as his brow furrows. "Kelly…it's so stupid for me to admit that. I…I can take on a man twice my size in a fist fight but today…it was a kid with a gun and I…I was scared."
"I was scared to," Kelly admits as his fingers continue to fiddle with her hair. "When I heard the call…and then Voight wouldn't let me pass and there was shots fired…and then some cop came out with a bloody kid in his arms and I just…yeah, I was scared."
"When I first got into that gym…it was the worst nightmare I had ever seen. The kids…the blood and their stuff just scattered about…I couldn't breathe at first…I kept blinking…hoping I could wake up and it would be back to normal. It'll never be normal again."
"When I saw you holding her and then she wasn't moving or breathing at first…I couldn't breathe either."
"How do we get past this? How…do we move forward from this?" Erin asks softly; the two of them tired but feeling the need to keep talking to one another about the day's horrific events.
"We just hafta try," Kelly replies with a heavy sigh. "You feel…tense."
"I am. I keep seeing…things I don't want to see. So if you're suggesting I go down to the gym…maybe I should go down to the gym," she huffs as she looks at him with a slightly dry smile; her face going serious a few seconds later. "What about you?"
"I…" he starts and then exhales heavily. "I remember Shay and I talked about this in the past and…and it was much worse than I expected. You're not the only one who sees those kids…bodies, some moving, some not…blood, clothing…bullets…kids crying and calling out…and then I see you with Aurora. Maybe I should go to the gym," he slightly huffs as her hand rests on his cheek. "We just gotta be straight with Aurora and each other and…"
"Try not to fall apart…emotionally," she confesses with a soft whisper as she finally turns off the light. Both of them lie pressed together in the darkness, their bodies wanting to shut down but their minds awake. Kelly holds his wife closer; his eyes wet especially when he hears her sniffle. The night ahead would be long and tormented; sleep not proving to be restful in any way.
As suspected, Aurora's sleep only last a few hours before Kelly and Erin are pulled from their tormented sleep by her cries, Kelly going to get his daughter and bringing her into their bed with them; Erin agreeing that it was for the best. Both of them try soothing the little girl to sleep, her whimpers dying down until she cries herself back to sleep.
XXXXXXXX
The following morning, Kelly's eyes open first, looking down to see his daughter asleep beside him and then his wife…lying a few feet away – awake. Erin looks over with a haunted gaze and Kelly's brow furrows heavily.
"Did I wake you?" He asks in a soft whisper as she shakes her head.
"Didn't sleep much," she admits as tries to stifle back a yawn. "At least Aurora slept a few hours."
"I think it'll really affect her when she goes back to school and Andrea's not there or…"
"Her friend," Erin adds fatefully as Aurora starts to stir. "Morning love bug."
"Hey squirt," Kelly pulls his daughter onto his chest, making her giggle; Erin pushing some dirty blond strands out of her face.
The three of them linger in bed a bit longer before it's time to get up and get the day started; both having been given the day off by their respective superiors. The conversation, however, is a bit more strained than the day before and both husband and wife get dressed in silence and then head into the kitchen; Aurora at the table working in her coloring book.
"Thought maybe later we could…or not with Aurora…just want to see if Andrea is okay and see if Matt needs anything but…maybe not a good idea to take Aurora there. Pauline could take her or…"
"Sure," Erin just interjects when Kelly pauses. "I'll call Voight and see if they uh…well found a motive for…" she stops when they both hear Aurora ask for breakfast. "Or…" she pauses once more and then turns away, reaching for a small glass to pour out some orange juice but then stopping; Kelly looking at her in wonder. "How do we just go on like…get back to normal when other's lives are forever destroyed?"
"I don't know…slowly I guess."
"You should…take some flowers or something to Preeti and drop something off for us…please?"
Kelly simply nods but wishes there was something else he could say or do to make his wife understand it wasn't her fault.
"Daddy can I have Cheerios?"
He looks down at his precious daughter and squeezes his eyes shut as he recalls one of the other parents clutching their child's body in their grasp.
'Why…WHY!'
He hears the father's screams; his eyes watering and his heart rate starting to pick up the pace, slowing only when he feels something on his hand and looks down to see his daughter touching his hand. Kelly bends down to her and pulls her into his strong arms, holding her close and kissing her cheek as he stands up with her in his grasp.
Kelly locks eyes with Erin and both of them hold tormented gazes for a few seconds before her hand rests on Aurora's back; giving it a few tender strokes.
"I don't know either," he whispers as Erin's eyes water when her husband's water.
Her hand rests on his and gives it a squeeze; her heart acknowledging the fact that he would think he has to put on a brave face for her and his daughter but at times…reality would force him to show his vulnerability and in those moments, her love for him would strengthen even more. Kelly puts Aurora down and the three of them slowly put a few things on the table, Erin opting for coffee and Kelly a piece of toast and half an apple; Aurora having her bowl of cereal and a piece of toast. The conversation is strained and somewhat uncomfortable; the TV showing cartoons instead of the topic of the day – the aftermath of the shooting.
"Hello?"
"Uncle Matt!" Aurora exclaims as she pushes herself from the table and rushes toward the front door to greet him.
"Hey sweet pea," Matt greets as he scoops her up in his grasp, kisses her on the cheek and then carries her into the kitchen. "Hey…"
"Aurora, sweetie go pick out a movie to watch," Kelly suggests, not wanting his daughter to hear their conversation. She complies and Erin pours Matt a cup of coffee as he plunks himself down at the table. "How's Andrea?"
"She's…last night was rough. The physical stuff will heal but um…I was there when she gave her statement to Voight. Said it was half way through the first act…the kid, she guessed was in grade 12, he uh…stood up, shouted the name of some of the kids in the play and…and then just started to shoot. Aiming mostly at the stage but…but just shooting. She yelled at the kids to get down but um…but not all…dropped in time…" Matt's voice breaks as he swallows and then offers his friend a tight lipped smile. "She feels guilty. Two in her class died and four were injured. Two more in the audience and three on the stage."
"Wow…I'm glad she'll be okay but so sorry for the parents of this tragedy," Erin states as she slowly stands up and leaves the kitchen, heading back into their bedroom to put on some jeans and a sweater.
"How are you?" Kelly asks Matt, looking at his friend's weary face.
"Brought back memories of the night Hallie died," he confesses with a heavy sigh as Kelly's frown deepens.
"Ah sorry man," Kelly tells Matt in truth.
"How's Aurora?" Matt inquires as they both look into the living room.
"She's…she asked for her mom yesterday and we both cried last night and she had nightmares…we all had nightmares…damn it Matt, I keep seeing Erin holding her limp frame and it makes me heart sick."
"How's Erin?"
"She's raw…I'm raw…last night we talked….this morning, it's strained," Kelly confesses with a heavy heart. "She blames herself. She promised Preeti she'd keep her daughter safe and she feels like all this is her fault. It's just gonna take time. I wish I had better words to say but…but I don't."
"And those friends of yours…their daughter. Andrea's just heartsick over it."
"Yeah…I should take something to them…flowers or something. Maybe we'll ta…" Kelly starts and then stops; Matt looking at his friend in sorrow. "I can't take Aurora there can I?"
"Just after they lost her daughter…no," Matt agrees softly as both of them trade tormented gazes. "I'll look after Aurora if you want to take something over."
"Over where?"
"To Preeti and Gurj's," Kelly answers Erin as she enters the kitchen. "What do you think?"
"It's a good idea…her words…"
"She was angry and had every right to. We've seen it…you've seen it…it's emotions talking," Kelly states numbly.
"Maybe…flowers don't seem enough but what else? Can't offer food," Erin states with a sad smirk. "I don't know what to do. Never had a friend…experience such a terrible and personal loss. I want to just tell myself it never happened but I can't."
"Okay…so you can stay with Aurora and…"
"I have to go into work and…"
They both start at once and then look at each other as Matt politely excuses himself and heads into the living room with Aurora.
"Erin…"
"I just want to see if I can get a few more details and then…then I'll come back. I just…" Erin pauses as a knock is heard at the door; Matt hurrying to open it. "I need to keep busy…or something. Who's…"
"Christie, Violet," Matt greets his sister and niece.
"Violet! Violet!" Aurora shouts as she comes rushing toward the door.
"How are they?" Christie asks Matt in concern.
"Raw. Aurora has moments, mostly when she's watching Disney stuff but um…everything okay?"
"Yeah we brought by some groceries and just thought we'd give you all a nice distraction," Christie states as she gives Erin a hug. "I hope we're not intruding."
"Not at all," Erin replies with a tight lipped smile. "But…we were just heading out."
"Thought we'd drop by Preeti's and Gurj's to drop off…something," Kelly answers with a heavy sigh.
"We'll look after Aurora," Christie volunteers. "How's Andrea?" Christie asks Matt as they head into the living room; Violet already in Aurora's room playing with her dolls.
"Okay so…" Kelly looks down at his wife with a strained frown. "I'll drop off…something and then we'll meet back here and just…hang with Aurora."
"I want to go with you I do but…"
"I know. I'll take care of this. I love you," Kelly whispers as he kisses her on the lips; Erin's hands gripping his shoulders as Kelly pulls away and goes in search of his daughter. He tells her he'll be right back and that he and Erin had to go out and do a few things for work and then they'd be back and maybe all watch a movie or just 'hang'. "Love you sweet girl."
"Love you too daddy," Aurora answers back with a smile as she hugs her father tightly. Kelly holds on a bit longer than normal, kissing her once more and whispering for her to be good and he'd be right back. But this time when he tries to leave, she clings to his neck and refuses to let go. "No daddy, don't go," she softly begs as Erin appears in the doorway.
"I have to sweetie."
"No daddy! No!" She starts to fuss as he looks up at Erin in sorrow. "I'll go tomorrow. I think you should stay here."
Erin looks at Aurora and then feels guilt starting to grow inside…her heart racing at top speed. I need to just…get away…that's the old you talking…you need to stay here…stay and face the guilt…embrace it, discuss it – defeat it! But old habits die hard and she finds herself wanting to just crawl under the nearest rock and forget that the man she loves more than anything nearly lost his beloved daughter to her supposed faulty actions. No…don't listen to those voices! Stay here! Stay!...stay…
But she doesn't…
"Okay. I'll be home in a few hours."
"Erin…" Kelly hurries after his wife as she puts on her coat and then turns to look at him, her hand opening the door. He pulls her close and holds her as their foreheads touch. "We need you here," he tells her in a tormented tone as she looks up in misery.
She hears Matt and Aurora in the background laughing and feels her eyes instantly well.
"What?" Kelly presses.
"For the first time in weeks…I feel like an outsider."
"No…don't think that. Please…Erin please tell me…this is your home and you belong here."
"I love you both so much."
"Erin…you can't run away."
"I just need…to clear my head for a bit and…" she pauses as she looks at the pleading in his warm sapphire eyes. "Okay I'll go in…sign my statement and then come back. I have to sign my statement and I can't do it here. I don't want to do it in front of Aurora. She might ask and I wouldn't want to lie to her. I'll go sign it and then come back."
"I'll go with you," Kelly hastily volunteers.
"I'll be fine. Stay with Aurora."
"Okay," he finally resigns. "Hurry back."
"I will."
She pulls back with a strained smile and he looks at the somewhat panicked look in her eyes; his heart starting to feel some agitation.
"Remember no matter what you put on that report, this wasn't your fault," he reminds her tenderly as she nods; her jaw tight. "I love you."
"I love you too," she tells him one last time before she closes the door and disappears from view; Kelly turning back to see Matt looking at him in concern.
"She'll be okay."
"Will you?" Matt retorts as Kelly's frame sags against the doorframe.
XXXXXXXX
A few hours later, Kelly looks at his phone and then frowns when his gaze lingers on the time, his mind wondering where his wife is and if she's okay and how it went with the statement. But before he can wonder any further his phone buzzes and he's quick to answer; only this time the name on the display isn't the one he's expecting.
"Voight?" He asks softly as he hurries to answer.
"Kelly…"
"Yeah, what's going on? … what? Erin's where?"
A/N: So with writing a writer 'needs' to challenge themselves and trust me as much as I love my Kelly whump/Erin comfort/makeup I also like to insert other kinds of tension, even if it's sometimes painful to write/read. For those that left I do apologize but I tried to put the focus on the emotions rather than the physical stuff and for those that stayed to support I wholeheartedly thank you for that; your encouraging reviews mean more than you know. We will get back to the happiness (hope you all liked the little one shot Aurora's First Skate in the interim) but our family is going to go through a few more emotional hurdles. So please do review before you go and thanks so much!
PS: I might not be able to update next week due to being away for a family holiday break so if you don't get an update (hmm is anyone even going to be around next week?) don't despair, we'll be back on the Lindseride track in no time thanks everyone!