So…I don't really feel like I'm a failure.
Not anymore anyways.
I mean, I kinda do, but not really. Just enough for me to question why exactly I didn't go back into the fire or fight the AA and BB (Albino Asshole and Blondie Bastard…that would make me Crazy Cunt or something…heh…that's almost funny.)
Backup would find that hilarious, actually. The fact that I call Mello a version of his name when I'm mad at him. He might be proud, actually.
They are pretty similar in terms of temper, Beyond was just more…subtle, I guess is the right word. He was more of one to get two enemies with one blow that wouldn't implicate him. BB would be more likely to just punch the guy to a pulp and not give a damn about his consequences.
Anyways. Happiness.
It is true that happiness can come out of the strangest places. Just three days ago I was…not happy, but without that event, I would not be anywhere near as happy as I am now. You wanna know what was good about letting four kids die?
Five lived.
Five lived and one of them has been moved to my room because he won't go to sleep without me there. Yep. I'm talking about little West. He hadn't been here very long before the fire. Only…four months or something like that. He hasn't even learned much English yet.
That has become my task – teach the little tyke English before they set up the new class schedule. I'm not sure why something so simple as this has made me so happy. He's catching on pretty fast, to be honest, faster than I think I would have if I hadn't had a tri-lingual background. He can say simple sentences with present verbs and German mixed in.
He's taken quite a liking to English pronouns, I think.
West'll randomly say 'you' or 'I' instead of 'du' or 'ich' and get this really funny grin on his face when he does. It's adorable.
He tried to tell me his name yesterday. I told him that he can't cause it'll put him in danger. He protested a bit until I put a finger to his lips and shushed him with a smile. He is probably the cutest little guy in the world. Was this how I was at three?
If I was, then I was pretty damn endearing.
Anyways.
This blond kid is making one Matt a very happy camper – literally. We are in tents at the moment. Most of us are having to share. Me, AA, and BB don't HAVE to, but West refuses to sleep without me.
I feel needed.
Happy.
Again, I don't know what it is about the kid, or feeling needed, but it causes a stirring inside of me. Not in that gross way Dave, yuck! I meant that my heart feels light and that's something that I can't remember feeling for…actually, pretty much a decade. I know that that is like, a terrible thing to say when I haven't even lived two, but it is very, very true.
You know, in the strangest way possible.
As is benefitting Matt, of course.
Just a week ago, I would have told you that happiness is an illusion – something that we make for ourselves from our surroundings. That it is a conscious choice for you to work towards…now? I'd say that happiness is contagious.
West is utterly happy right now, and I'm the cause of it.
It's just…surreal.
Ah! I gotta go.
West started to mess with my computers. He is so bad with electronics that I would almost call him a walking EMP sometimes.
(I can laugh while writing, it works well.)
I gotta untangle him before he pulls something important…
Bye Dave!
...
The reason you get a double update is a really nice review from XxKalypsoxX, thanks!