May 15 1848

I was annoyed this morning. Ben promised the boys faithfully that he would come on a picnic with them. I could tell the poor mites were excited.
Well during breakfast Hop Sing opened the door to the Sheriff. Ben immediately went over shaking his hand and they went outside to talk. I told Hoss to get on with his meal as he was straining to see outside. Its not for little boys to hear when elders and betters are speaking I always do say. Not long after Mr Cartwright comes back indoors in a state of some aggitation, telling me he'd be gone for the day. Well there's a nice how'd you do. Don't mind us. Poor Little Joe, his face fell a mile. Off he went for himself, leaving a trail of dust and disappointment in his wake. I don't know who they were planning on chasing down but all I know is it was supposed to be my day off today but that was not going to happen. As annoyed as I was, I was not going to leave these poor urchins with Hop Sing all day.

I just wish he wouldn't promise and then let them down. The boys were cranky and had a fight at the breakfast table after he left. I had to put Joe standing in the corner for throwing bacon at his brother. He stood there for five minutes whimpering and breaking my heart while Hoss scowled into his oatmeal.
As it turned out I took them on a picnic myself. This cheered them up as they expected that I would be gone to town for the day, you couldn't leave those little faces.
I had made a lemon pie and I packed that carefully on top of beef sandwiches and ginger beer. I even stuck in two candy canes for after, providing behaviour was good.

We had a very pleasant afternoon by the lake. Joe eats like a bird. Its all you can do to get him to sit still long enough to take nourishment. Hoss has a good and healthy appetite. I've never known him not to clear his plate. Truth be told he is a joy to bake for. There's a boy who loves his pie. He took a second helping of my lemon pie and would have had another if he was let. I had to sit Joe on my lap and make him eat a beef sandwich. You could be feeding him live rattle snake and he'd chew away on it watching the fishermen and the boats and everything else. That boy is never going to have meat on his bones.

I love Hoss, I tucked him in bed tonight and as usual he wanted a story. Most particularly he wanted the story of the boy who lives in the pond with the fish and swims with the bull frogs. I made that story up for my own children. Hoss has heard that story three times already, even Joe is beginning to complain about the repeated tale but I told it to him once again. He is so sweet, you couldn't refuse him anything.

Hoss keeps asking me if I'm going to stay. He tells me Pa gets cranky but I'm not to mind, he don't mean it. I told Hoss that he shouldn't talk like that about his pa. It ain't fittin. But I can tell he's troubled about something. I asked him about it and he said he gets scared at night and there's no one to go to when he has dreams. I told him he can come to me. He was about to explain further when we both heard the door shut downstairs. I kissed his forehead and tucked the blankets in around him.

I had it in my head that I was going to have it out with the man of the house on the fact that he doesn't spend ten minutes together with his troubled children. I stormed down the steps with a face of thunder but honestly, I lost my resolve on the last step. He looked so dejected. Perhaps the job with the Sheriff had taken it out of him. He looked like he had aged ten years. My talk would have to wait. Instead I went to the kitchen and heated stew for him. He thanked me for my work with the children. He said that he noticed a big improvement in their behaviour since I came. I told him I felt that they were very well behaved and that speaks of him as a father. Despite my misgivings I had to admit he brought them up well. Two nicer children you would never meet. My words were meant as a compliment but his face darkened.
"No Ma'am," he muttered. "I am many things but I am not a good father."
It was said with such bitterness I didn't know what to say. I waited for him to speak more, explain, but he smiled sadly rose from the table and thanked me for the stew. He headed slowly to the stairs assuring me that I would have my day off tomorrow. J assure you, at that moment, that was the last thing on my mind.