DISCLAIMER: No matter how much I want it, I do not own Naruto. I am still only borrowing the characters and promise to return them in good condition – well, maybe slightly battered!
Again thanks to Dark Serpent Cat who helped inspire my version of the Chunin Exams and nighttheRaven who helped me with Honey and Mearī Sū's personalities. Hopefully I made it unique enough for your reading pleasure.
Chapter Forty-Four:
The Road to Chunin: The Crucible
It's time to strap our boots on
This is a perfect day to die
Wipe the blood out of our eyes
In this life there's no surrender
There's nothing left for us to do
Find the strength to see this through
~Otherwise~
Stage two of the chunin exams was upon them. They followed their map to a high padlocked fence much like the Forest of Death in Konoha. Through the chain linked gates was a vast murky swamp. Another team was already there, much to Sasuke's disappointment. He gave them the briefest glance before turning away in arrogant dismissal. He had better things to do than look at a bunch of weak genin.
Naruto too, had taken note of the team that was waiting, but unlike Sasuke, he was very curious about them. He must have missed seeing them at the first stage of the exam. All three were girls. One had red hair and glasses and another was tall with short blue hair. He really couldn't describe them better than that because it was the third female that really caught his eye.
Literally. He couldn't seem to look away.
"I'll be right back," he said woodenly and wandered over against Sai's protest.
She was a petite thing, one of the smallest genin he had ever seen. But that made her adorable. She looked to be about the same age as he. Her moonlit hair was to her ankles and had blood red streaks with the tips the same. Her amethyst eyes were crystals, swirling with every color.
And as Naruto stared into her eyes, everything began to fade as though they were not real but nearly figments of a dream. Sasuke, Sai, the two other genin from the Kusagakure team, the fenced off section of the swamp, the trees, the ground… all seemed to shimmer and slip away into a snowy haze, as if a fog was rising from the earth. Only the girl and her violet eyes did not fade, and, in fact, as he stared at them they can grew more detailed, strangely more vivid, and more real than anything he had ever known.
Her mysterious aura intrigued him. It wasn't his business but he wanted to know what deep, dark secret she possessed. Words flowed unchecked from his lips. "Hi, I'm Naruto. If you need anything…anything at all, I'm your man!"
She smiled with gamin-like pertness, scrunched her nose, and giggled cutely. "Hi, I'm…"
"Naruto?"
Sai's voice seemed to come from a great distance, from the far end of a long tunnel.
"Naruto!"
Although the shapes and colors of his surroundings were white and fuzzy on all sides of Naruto, this sounds did not dwindle as well but, instead, grew louder, louder, until his ears filled with the roar of meaningless jabber between the genin. The sounds of nature, too, became thunderous.
"Hey Dickless, wake up! The proctor is coming."
Dizzy and disorientated, Naruto shook his head and smiled at girl. "Hi, I'm Naruto. If you need anything…anything at all, I'm your man!"
"I'm Mearī Sū, pleased to meet you. Thank you for taking the time," she suddenly looked troubled, as if no one would ever want to know her.
"Naruto!" shouted Sasuke impatiently.
"Mearī Sū…," he breathed, "That's a beautiful name, I'm sorry! I-I wanted to know you…"
"Dickless!"
"Well, thank you for doing that. Naruto is a very unusual name. Who are your teammates?"
"Oh that's just Sai and Sasuke."
Her eyes sparkled with interest, the radiance of them shinned with passion as she asked, "And he is an Uchiha, right?"
"Naruto!"
Naruto blinked in confusion as Sai's loud yell finally registered. "What?!" he yelled back in irritation.
"Come on!"
"OK, OK… Jeeze, he's so impatient." Naruto gave them a sunny smile and a wave and then walked back to his team. "Sheesh," he groused, "You need to lighten up. You're jumpier then a cat with a can tied to its tail."
"You were staring at that ugly Kiri girl for ten minutes."
"Ten minutes… Exaggerate much? I'd just said hi; I was there for only a few seconds. Wait…ugly? She isn't ugly! She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen and she's from Kusagakure."
"No," growled Sasuke, "It was ten damn minutes, she is hideous, and she is from Kiri. The other two girls are from Kusagakure. Did you at least get any information about that team?"
"Her name's Mearī Sū and I'm going to marry her someday," said Naruto dreamily.
"Oh really? So what happened with your vow to marry Sakura?"
"Who?"
"Atrocious pink hair, strident voice, extremely violent…any of that ringing a bell?" Sasuke scowled deeply, muttered under his breath, and roughly jostled him. "Get a grip on reality Baka, the proctor is coming."
As though waking from a deep sleep, Naruto's body jerked and his gaze sharpened. He snuck a quick look back at the team in doubt. Sasuke was right. The girl was from Kirigakure. He scratched his head in confusion. What just happened?
~o~O~o ~
An older shinobi, they assumed was proctor for the second stage came striding towards them. Like most of the jonin they had seen so far in Kirigakure, he was heavily scarred and austere. All thoughts of jocularity fled as Naruto gazed at him. Somehow he doubted the man had any sense of humor whatsoever. He snapped to attention hurried closer to stand between Sasuke and Sai.
The man stared at the two teams with a sneer on his face for a moment and then by unspoken command, a young chunin handed each of the genin a waver to sign. Naruto opened it and skimmed the contents with increasing disbelief.
He read aloud, "Present company shall not be liable for injuries inflicted by or sustained as a consequence thereof, including, but not limited to lacerations, drowning, suffocation, decapitation, evisceration..."
"Incineration?" interrupted Sasuke as he read his. He added sardonically, "Kind of takes the fun out it, doesn't it?"
"It's just the usual," replied the young man casually, "You know, summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, funeral arrangements, and so forth."
"Uh… funeral arrangements?" asked Naruto.
The proctor's voice was low-pitched and gravelly, but none of the genin had trouble hearing him as he said sadistically. "In Kirigakure, we believe in survival of the fittest. Behind the gates lies training ground four; what we here in Kiri like to call The Crucible. A crucible is a pot in which ores or metals are melted. It is also a place where people are subjected to forces that test them and often make them change. Some of the most important qualities in a chunin are resourcefulness, observation, and endurance. Once you enter here, the gates will close and remain locked for the next four days. We will see what type of metal you're made of."
One of the Kusa genin looked as though she were about to speak, but his high ice cold glare froze her in her tracks. And then… with a wave of his hand, the gate swung open and then he turned around the face the other proctors.
"Mist shinobi sure are cranky," murmured Naruto. "I think it's because they rarely see the sun."
Sasuke rolled his eyes and muttered, "Anybody ever tell that you talk too much?"
"Yeah… but I probably wasn't listening."
"Tch," he hissed. "Be serious, Baka."
Naruto grinned unrepentantly and then glanced at Sai. They looked at each other in confusion. "Um, do you think that that means we can enter?"
"I am not entirely sure," said Sai while rubbing his chin and thought. "I really do not like to guess."
The other team looked just as confused. One of them wandered over to gate and put a foot through the opening. When nothing happened the rest of the team entered.
Sai shrugged, adjusted to his pack and said, "Let us do this then." He glanced in. The trees were wide and tall with thick moss clinging to the limbs blocking everything but the stray ray of sunlight from creeping through. Murky, stagnant puddles of water were everywhere. Vines clung to everything capable of supporting their weight. Where nothing was available; they ran across the ground, mixing in with the moss to make a mottled carpet of green.
Naruto grinned from ear to ear and ran through. When he looked back to urge them to hurry, he caught sight of Akamaru and Kiba running into clearing, followed by Ino and a red faced Shēn. Several other teams were also close behind.
Happily, he whispered to himself, "They did it."
"Get a move on, Baka," ordered Sasuke urgently, "We can't accomplish anything by standing still." Without looking back, he ran down a narrow dirt path that led directly into the swamp.
~o~O~o~
They headed towards their first destination with all due speed, knowing that escorting a prisoner would slow them down considerably. They arrived several hours later extremely annoyed and (two of them) stinking of some sort of foul substance.
"You just had to poke that thing with a stick didn't you?"
"Hehe, I said I was sorry." Naruto scratched the back of his head in embarrassment. "How was I to know that stuff would come squirting out of its butt?"
"Anyone with half a brain," muttered Sai under his breath as he tried not to resent him too much.
"Uh, how bout I go in there and grab the old jailbird while you two wait out here? There's water right there," he added helpfully, "You know, so you guys can clean up a bit."
Naruto ignored their irritated mutterings as he gazed up at the first destination marked on their map; the prisoner holding area. It wasn't a really building; it was a tree. It was the largest tree any of them had ever seen, which was saying a lot considering the fact that they lived in the Village Hidden in the Leaves. A tiny winding staircase wrapped around the trunk and up into the leaves, where he could barely make out flat brown walls and a pitched roof.
"This is the coolest thing I've ever seen," said Naruto to himself as he climbed. "It's a giant tree house!"
When Naruto made it to the landing, he opened the heavy wooden door and was extremely surprised when a very familiar face greeted him. "Haku!" he exclaimed in pleasure, "I've been looking all over the village for you since I got here. So, you're a proctor, huh?"
"Indeed," said the older teen with a smile, "It is one of our duties as chunin. We are guarding the prisoners until the genin teams arrive to take custody of them."
"Oh, so what type of criminals are they? Are they shinobi? Are they murderers or something like that?"
"Something like that…" Haku smiled at Naruto exuberance and continued, "They are civilians, so as such, are not too dangerous for shinobi of your caliber. Most have been convicted of committing crimes such as breaking and entering, robbery, arson, and battery. Every year many volunteer for the exams. If they arrive alive at the end, they will receive clemency."
"Uh… alive?"
"Well, accidents have been known to happen."
A very concerned look crossed Naruto's face as he asked, "What happens if one of them dies?"
"The team that is tasked with escorting the prisoner is immediately disqualified so I would suggest you maintain a very close eye on him or her."
"Well, I should hope so. These are your people; is everyone really okay with the idea that they could die?"
"They are convicts. It is entirely their decision whether or not to enter the exams. Most prefer to risk death to get out our prison."
"That bad, huh?" Naruto rubbed his chin, shook his head sadly and then asked, "So who do you have in mind for my team?"
"I have someone that I saved especially for you when I heard you were here."
"Oh really? So what's so special about him?"
Haku nodded to another chunin and gave Naruto an oddly strained look. "Honey is… hmm, how do I say this? Honey is… well, you'll have to just see for yourself."
~Honey~
Sasuke's mouth dropped open in astonishment when Naruto came strutting down the steps with the tall, voluptuous woman he had chosen. Her silky black hair was set in thick bouncy curls the same shade as her perfectly shaped eyebrows. Her pink eyes (yes – seriously – they were pink!) were half-lidded with smoky eye shadow. She was holding onto his arm with beautifully manicured red nails.
One word flashed through his mind… trouble…
Make that two…prostitute…
She wore too much make-up and not enough clothes. The mini skirt she wore barely covered her and neither did the top; which he assumed was really a bra. Sasuke resisted the urge to slap his hands over his eyes. Instead, he groaned in defeat. How the hell were they supposed to travel through a swamp with someone who was wearing six inch platform heels?
Sai did a double take as he watched the woman saunter over to them. He didn't miss the hard, predatory light in her eyes nor the large chip she seemed to wear on her shoulder. How in Kami's name were they supposed to travel through a swamp with a person that was obviously… well…that?!
One word flashed through his mind… trouble…
Make that two…prostitute…
The cold air made her nipples clearly visible through the thin material of her shirt, (normally something that would have immediately and utterly captured his attention) but that wasn't what held his gaze…it was her slim white neck. "Is that…?"
"Hn."
"Are you sure?"
"Hn."
"Does Naruto…?"
"Tch."
"Should we…?"
Sasuke pointed at the shirt he had discarded because of its stench and snarled out crossly, "Hell no."
"Good."
Sai and Sasuke shared triumphant looks.
~o~O~o~
It had been several tortuous hours, and Naruto and Honey still acted as though they were on a romantic stroll through beautiful gardens. She clung to his arm and told him stories of past chunin hopefuls she'd witnessed the prior years while Sasuke and Sai stayed behind them, desperately wishing they were deaf.
"Sooo… there was, like if you can believe it, this girl, in the chunin exams a few years ago that called herself like, Awesomeness, like if you can believe it …"
"No way," breathed Naruto, enraptured with her tales.
"Way~! And she, like if you can believe it, vomited this sticky white sludge that trapped people. It was so gross. And I swear to this day, I swear like, she actually shot fire from her nostrils."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously! And she had these giant wings on, like if you can believe it, the sides of her head and all. And when she smiled, she had these perfect blinding white teeth that, like if you can believe it, made my eyes hurt real bad, when I looked at them!"
"I like totally can't believe it," muttered Sasuke.
Honey's face pulled into over exaggerated pout with her trying to put out a hurt pose. Trying to. But when he didn't react, she quickly recovered the wannabe sexy pose to tell her next story.
"Doesn't she ever shut up?" murmured Sai quietly. The last time he'd said it too loudly and she'd blistered his ears for what seemed like an eternity. "Can you not make her stop? I will do anything for a few minutes of respite." Sai put his hands over his ears and gave Sasuke a pleading look.
"Oh! I know, there was this, like if you can believe it, boy from Iwagakure named Roxas that had flaming glitter attacks. They were pretty pitiful in power, but oh my gosh, they were sooo pretty to watch. He was kinda cute, but a little too like young, if you know what I mean. He got beat by a… eek!"
"Shut up!" hissed Sasuke as he searched the area for the cause of her distress.
"Look," she wailed and held out her hand, "I broke a nail!"
"Seriously? You're screaming about a broken nail?"
She gave Sasuke a cold glare and icily asked, "Do you know how long it took to grow them this long? I'll tell you – like if you can believe it, forever! You should at least be a gentleman and have sympathy for poor little ol' me."
"Tch."
Naruto smiled and held his hands up consolingly. "Now Sasuke, Honey is our responsibility. You know we have to take care of her to the best of our ability."
"Hn."
"Honey, why don't you tell some of your great stories to the Teme? I'll bet he'll love to hear that one on how you wound up in prison."
"Ooooh, I would absolutely love to!" she gushed and ran over to Sasuke and latched onto his arm with surprising strength.
Looking down at his arm, he couldn't help but think; "Now I know why animals chew their limbs off when caught in a trap."
Honey squeezed her hold on Sasuke's arm, relishing the tale she was about to tell. She gushed, "Oh my gosh, it was an absolute scandal! I mean, so there I was, like if you can believe it, minding my own business when these big, mean old shinobi came like busting into my home with their swords drawn. Ugh - their ugliness made me want to like barf!"
The knowing smirk that crossed Naruto's face had Sasuke clenching his jaw. "You're dead!" he mouthed.
"…and then they like yelled something about my old husband and suspicious fire. I mean, it wasn't my fault that there happened to be a bottle of kerosene with my fingerprints on it next to his charred body. Shesh! I swear, they didn't like me 'cause I'm like sooo beautiful…"
"Hn."
"That old fart's kids were just jealous of my good looks. They claimed I was like after their inheritance and set me up…"
"Tch."
"No, seriously, I like totally loved him. I mean totally! Everyone thought it was strange that I would like marry an eighty year old man, but you know what they say – the older the bull, the bigger the like horn!" Honey laughed, nudged Sasuke suggestively and then yelled after a beat of blessed silence, "EEEK!"
"What now?! What is it?!"
"A bug! I saw a big old like, ugly bug!"
Sasuke took a deep, calming breath and peeled her hand off him. "We are in the swamp. There are a lot of bugs here. Tch, go talk to Sai," he ordered and then took with the yell, "I'm taking point!"
"Son of a…!" moaned the pale teen as he found himself saddled with Honey.
"So, have I like told you about the second time those horrible shinobi arrested me? See, I had this wonderful boyfriend who bought me this amazing ring; it was like the moon or something. It was really, really~ pretty… only I guess he didn't really, like if you can believe it, buy it. It wasn't my fault that the jeweler died of suspicious causes… or that my boyfriend like mysteriously disappeared and no one seemed to know him. I told them…"
"If I may hazard a guess – your fingerprints just happened to be found at the scene of the crime again?"
"How did you know? You see, it was all just this like amazing coincidence..."
~o~O~o~
The last feeble rays of light slowly disappeared as Naruto took first watch that night. It was quiet, no sound except for the crickets, frogs and the light rain that still came down. He stared out at the rust colored water covered with an iridescent crust. During the day he had seen bubbles of air rising from it, and now, in the night, blue flames were shooting from and playing over its surface.
He glanced down at the three slumbering forms of his teammates and the prisoner, Honey. He repressed a good natured chuckle. They honestly thought he didn't know. This time he couldn't stop a snort from escaping. He tricked them good. He would have selected her even if Haku had wanted to give him someone else. This was too good an opportunity to miss…
Honey was a man.
Well, kind of…
The glowing flames of the swamp gas seemed to pulsate almost like a beating heart with light instead of blood. It traveled closer, out of the water. The dew on the grass was sparkling. He could see all the reflections; the light twinkling off the dewdrops on the grass. Transfixed as the minutes ticked by, he didn't think to call out to Sasuke and Sai. Off in the distance, he could see a tiny glow of a campfire.
"Really?" he murmured to himself and then shook his head at the other team's stupidity.
Dark clouds scudded across the sky, blotting out the stars. The quickening wind chilled Naruto as strands of blonde hair blew across his forehead and tickled the tips of his ears. He pulled the up hood of his cloak and tucked himself deeper into its warmth. That was when he heard the first scream. At first he thought the muffled cry was a figment of his imagination.
The second cry, though also brief and only slightly louder than the first, was inarguably real. He yanked down his hood to better hear and leaned forward on the branch where he had been keeping watch. Tense. Head cocked. Listening. His body was utterly still while he was trying to determine the precise area the noise was coming from.
The other campsite.
He soundlessly dropped down among his sleeping comrades to wake them, but their eyes were already open. One silent look at each other and immediately they understood the danger they were in. Without making a sound, they got up and hastily packed their gear.
Following the stifled cries, silence drifted down like snowfall. The hush was eerily deep and so unnatural in the dark misty swamplands. They all quickly realized this was the calm before the storm.
Honey, tired from her day's trek through the swamp, began to protest, "But it's too cold to be wandering..."
Sasuke pulled a kunai from his pouch and gave her a harsh, unforgiving glare which shut her up immediately. She pouted and then very slowly sat up.
With a start, Naruto thought of the third team member when he heard another harsh, guttural scream, more horrible than the one before it.
By unspoken consent and trusting their instincts that had been honed by the last two and a half years experience, Naruto made four clones, henged them to look like their group, and then immediately cleared out of their campsite. Storm clouds, rolling in from the southeast shrouded the moon. The darkness was now impenetrable.
They knew there was no way for them to find the other team without giving away their position and endangering themselves. They reluctantly found shelter further away in a copse of trees and settled in for a long tense night except for Naruto. He began to pace restlessly.
"Rest," commanded Sasuke after watching him for several minutes.
"I can't. They've been hurt."
"Hn."
"They might need help."
When Sasuke said nothing, Sai tried to reassure his teammate. "The proctors will come. It is their duty."
"But they might need help now."
"There's nothing we can do. It's too dark. We'll never find them or worse, we could get separated."
"But they might be dead before help comes."
"Don't you think we know that? We all heard that scream. They're probably already dead," said Sasuke bitterly, heatedly.
The more Naruto thought about the other team lying there on the cold, hard unforgiving ground, the angrier he became. It fed on itself and grew into a hot rage. His heart pounded even harder than when he had heard the first terrified scream. The injustice of the other team's fate – the unfairness, the wrongness – was like an acid eating at him.
He stood up and picked his way across their new campsite, through the pitch black night, toward the sounds they heard.
"Naruto!" hissed Sasuke furiously. "Stop! You don't know what's over there."
Naruto ignored Sasuke's warning and continued on.
"Dammit!" He lithely jumped to his feet, stalked after the retreating blonde, and grabbed his arm. "Naruto - let it go."
"Let it go?"
"Let it go."
Honey called out, "Hey, like, the cold doesn't bother me much anyways."
"Shut up!" they both harshly whispered without glancing at the prisoner.
Naruto's jaw tightened. He looked mutinously at his teammate and said quietly, "I'm no coward. I'm won't run away."
He ground his teeth together and spat out, "I'm not running away."
"Like a scared rabbit." He spaced out the words, taking care to emphasize each syllable.
If Naruto looked angry than Sasuke appeared positively murderous now. He clenched his fists together, controlled his temper, and then took a deep, calming breath. "Fine," he gritted out, "But I'm coming with you."
"You don't have to do that."
"Yes, we do," said Sai, coming up behind them. "We are a team."
Honey wrapped her blanket tighter around herself and said condescendingly, "You three are like, so stupid. I'm not going anywhere. And anyways, it's probably nothing but a stupid animal attack."
"Shut up!" yelled all three in irritation.
~o~O~o~
The light from the campfire was enough to illuminate the grisly scene. Naruto walked over to the first body and knelt beside him. Naruto recognized him as the Mist genin he'd overheard discussing the first proctor, Ao. His wounds were sickening, far too traumatic to respond to any type of healing. Blood trickled from his mouth and covered his chest. The pool of blood in which he lay was so deep that he appeared to be floating in it.
Naruto's sadly closed his lifeless eyes and moved to the next body. It was the female teammate. She had no visible wounds, but her motionlessness body made him fear for the worst.
He lifted her left hand and put his fingertips to her thin wrist, feeling for a pulse. In spite of the warmth of the body, there was an awful stillness where once had been the thread of life.
Sasuke and Sai turned over the last body to look for any signs of life. Sai didn't need to check for a pulse because the body was absolutely riddled with senbon, making him look like a pathetic caricature of a porcupine. "This one's dead too," he said.
"Oh no," he said sadly and; although he didn't know them personally, squeezed his eyes shut in regret. "When we find out who did this," he said angrily, "We're going to come down so hard on them that they'll wish they were born as flies and spent their lives in the Inuzuka kennels sucking up dog shit."
The bruised night sky, as though sensing their black moods, suddenly ruptured, releasing torrents of rain. Fat droplets splashed their heads and streamed down their faces, blurring their sight.
Utterly unruffled, Sasuke grimly nodded in agreement. Sai, using an earth jutsu to protect the dead, raised a wall of dirt to encapsulate the three bodies.
Honey snorted delicately and with a completely uncaring attitude toward her fellow villagers, commented, "Well, like unless says they did it, you know you'll never find out who. Duhh! That reminds of my BFF Candy, she like…"
Three heads whipped around and furiously yelled in unison, "Shut up!"
She clicked her tongue and huffed. Her story could wait till later...
~o~O~o~
As soon as the sky lightened enough to see, they shouldered their packs and began to carefully make their way through the dangerous swamp. Everyone was tired and tempers flared easily.
Naruto had thought it would be so easy. Sai would draw one of his giant hawks and put Honey on it with him while he and Sasuke followed on foot through the swamp. If only…
The constant rain made the hawk too weak to sufficiently hold no more than one person at a time and Honey was terrified of heights. Sasuke suggested they knock her unconscious and simply tie her to the bird, but unfortunately for them all, Sai vetoed the idea as he wouldn't be able to guide the bird from the ground.
Honey wasn't pleased with their ideas…
Team seven had just pulled her out of a thick, oozing puddle of gelatinous mud for the third time that day when Sasuke finally demanded she remove her shoes.
"My shoes? Sweetie, there's no way you're like touching my shoes. They are originals, baby-boy," She lifted her foot and showed off the red soles. "These are made by Louboutin."
"Take. Them. Off. Now."
"Why? What do you like want with them? They won't fit you, sides that totally don't go match your outfit, ugly as it may be. Your sense of fashion makes me want to gag myself with like a chopstick!"
"I'm going to throw them away."
Honey lurched to her feet and towered over Sasuke in an absolute rage. She seethed, "Over. My. Dead. Body."
"That can be easily arranged."
"Oh no you didn't…" She pulled off the huge glittery hoops from her ears and thrust them into Sai's hands, with the demand, "Hold my earrings!" Working herself into a righteous shoe-loving frenzy, Honey attempted to slap Sasuke. When he easily dodged the strike, she shrieked at the top of her lungs and launched herself at him, kicking, biting, and cursing.
"Huh, I've never heard that one before," laughed Naruto as he and Sai watched. "I'm going to have to remember that one."
Sai frowned thoughtfully and replied, "I do not believe there is such thing as a constipated cum-bubble. Have you ever heard of such a thing, Baby-boy?"
Sasuke rolled his eyes.
Naruto shook his head. "Hey, how long before she figures out she's trying to kill a log?" An even louder shriek of rage penetrated the early morning air. "Ah, never mind."
"You…you all are nothing but a bunch of like meanies who don't know a Masashi shoe from a Kishimoto handbag!"
"Eh, I've been called worse." With a careless shrug, Naruto picked up his pack and rummaged through it. "We can make you a pair of shoes with some bark of a tree and twine."
"Ain't no way in hell I'm parting with my lovelies!"
Sai wagged his finger at Honey and reprimanded her. "I would really appreciate it if you would close your mouth now, She-man, and do as Sasuke desires. Your loud wails sound quite similar to a dying animal, which is sure to attract predators, not to mention other teams."
"WHAT!" Honey marched over to Sai and jabbed him with one long manicured fingernail. "I know you all didn't just tell me to like shut up. That's no way to treat a lady."
"You must realize that you are fooling no one. You are no woman," responded Sai knowledgably. "Only men have a laryngeal prominence which appears during puberty."
"A WHAT!" she yelled in offence.
"An Adam's apple," supplied Naruto cheerfully. "And a big one too…"
Sasuke jerked and scowled at the blonde. "You knew?"
Naruto grinned hugely and spread his hands out innocently. "What?"
"You knew and you've been playing along the whole time?!"
"I know I can be a bit dense occasionally, but I'm not stupid."
"Hn."
"I have never been so insulted in my life. I am not a man!"
Sai stepped close to Honey and stared at her for a moment. He poked her breast tentatively with his finger and then announced, "It is real. Normally, I would say that you are most definitely a woman; however, due to your aforementioned laryngeal prominence and the fact that I witnessed you urinating while standing upright, you must somehow be some sort of man. Of course, I have no idea what type…"
"Hey, hands off the merchandise you like little perv!" shouted Honey angrily. "And of course they're real – I told you - I'm a woman, not a…a…a She-man." She pulled down her top to expose the most perfect pair of breasts the boys had ever seen.
Sai, unmoved by the way they bobbed as her chest heaved in indignation, said calmly, "Except for my female sibling, I have never seen a woman fully unclothed before. Unless something truly disturbing happens between infancy and adulthood of which I am unaware of, you must assuredly be a male."
Naruto began to howl with laughter. When he was finally able to calm down enough to talk, he commented, "Well I've seen pictures in my dad's porn stash and believe me…none of them have what we have!"
"Are you all like crazy?"
"While I cannot fully vouch for my brothers, my father did have me tested. I can guarantee you that I am quite sane."
"I am a woman!"
"That's it. I've had it." muttered Sasuke in exasperation. "They told us to bring you to the exit, but they didn't say in what condition. All you've done is drive us insane with your incessant whining, nagging, and crying. I find the sound of your voice to be only slightly more tolerable than listening to a fat man's wet fart."
Naruto shook his head and hesitantly stepped forward. "Oh man, this is Tora mission all over again… Sorry to tell you this Teme, but they did say alive."
Sasuke nodded at their prisoner. "She can live without a tongue."
"Oh yeah, well that's true." Naruto casually waved his hand, turned his back to them, and added blithely, "Carry on then."
Honey screeched at the top of her lungs and backed away from the extremely irate Uchiha. "Hey," she shouted in protest, "Wait-wait-wait…! At least admit I'm a woman!"
Sasuke cracked. He palmed a kunai and took a step toward her. "I'm done with this insanity, say farewell to your tongue!"
She ran over to Sai and desperately threw her arms around him. "Save me from that big meenie!" she shrieked in his ear.
Wincing from the loudness, he yanked her arm off his and asked, "Why?"
"Um… I can… I can… I can help you…"
"There is nothing you can do that would be more helpful than be silent. Removing your tongue would be advantageous not only to me and my team, but; and risking an assumption here, the whole Land of Water as well."
Honey gasped in outrage and then, seeing Sasuke walk closer, she shrieked again and threw herself at Naruto. "Please," she begged, "Please don't let him like hurt me. You're a sweet boy, a kind boy… you wouldn't let him hurt me, would you?"
"Hmm, I don't think there's anything I can do now… Sasuke's pretty ticked off. I mean, that's the most I've ever heard him say at one time."
"I can… I can… I can give you, like, some awesome information…"
"You are a civilian and a criminal at that. What information could you have that would be beneficial to us?" asked Sai with a skeptical frown on his face.
"I've actually done this exam like three times. I know the quickest way to the exit."
"You've been incarcerated three times?" asked Sai.
"Well, actually it's been six times, but I was, like if you can believe it, framed…"
Naruto chuckled, "Sure you were."
Honey gasped in outrage and then defended herself, "I was… really. I mean – like this last time - how was I to know that the woman I ransomed was the Lord's wife? I mean, they totally overreacted. It's not as if I hurt her or anything… well at least not on like purpose. You should have seen her, she had a huge hairy wart on her nose and wore cheap knock-off shoes, and 'gurl'… don't even get me started on her handbag …"
Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose. "So exactly where is this 'special route that no one seems to know about' to the exit?"
Eager to avoid the brunt of Sasuke's anger, Honey hurriedly explained, "There's this, like, ugly marsh that cuts through the eastern side of the, like, swamp. It will get us to the exit in one day instead of the two it takes to go through the swamp."
Sasuke pulled out the map, unrolled it, and studied it for a few minutes. "It's not marked on here," he said in a cutting tone.
"No, I know its not, but I swear it's, like, there. Cross my beautiful heart! That Iwa team I was paired with during the last exam six months ago found it, like, on accident."
"I do not know if we should believe her; I have doubts as the veracity of her claims …what is your opinion?" asked Sai in a low undertone as he looked over Sasuke's shoulder. "Should we risk it?"
Sasuke nodded decisively. "Even if it is not there, it is in the general direction we are headed. I studied the map earlier and thought it might be good. The terrain looks more difficult to traverse, so we would probably encounter less opposition as the other teams would also be encumbered with their prisoners. It will be harder to journey through with the She-man in tow, but if she's willing to go there than so shall we. Be alert to any traps though."
"Alright, let's do this then," said Naruto with his typical enthusiasm.
~o~O~o~
After several hours, they ran onto a deep stand of swamp grass and thick rushes at the edge of a lake so murky that it was impossible to see anything in the reflection of twilight off the surface.
The thickly forested swamp was behind them and in front - the marshlands. The last of the giant trees behind them, thick and black-green, looked ominous as they shielded all but tiny intermittent stripes of sun.
"We'll rest here for the night," said Sasuke.
"Here's good," said Naruto throwing his backpack at Sai, "I've got the scrolls with our camp equipment. You guys set up and I'll catch something for us to eat."
Sai opened it and peered into the jumbled mess. "Has anyone ever told you that organization is the key to a stress-free life?" he asked while pulling out a handful of scrolls.
"Ha, where's the fun in that?" laughed Naruto as he ran off.
Honey looked at the two remaining genin in disappointment. Naruto at least listened to her stories and paid attention to her. These other two were boring. She hoped he would hurry back.
"Are you hungry?" asked Sasuke.
"I'm starving."
"Then get up and help if you want to eat tonight."
Yup, she definitely missed Naruto. "How do you sleep at night?!" she angrily asked.
"Like a baby."
~o~O~o~
"Ain't no way I'm eating that!"
Naruto looked up in surprise as he sat down next to Sai. "Why not?" he asked in surprise. "It's cooked all the way through."
"It still has fur on it and it's staring at me!"
"Well of course it still has the fur on. We can't afford to slow roast it over a fire and give away our location so Sasuke had to use a jutsu. If we skinned it, it would be burnt to a crisp. See look," he took his piece of 'food' and peeled the skin off, exposing the cooked meat underneath. "It's like peeling a banana."
"But its eyes… they're staring at me... watching me... judging me..."
"Tch," muttered Sasuke. He took the food from her hands and sliced the creatures head off at its neck. "Eat," he ordered.
She daintily picked up the beheaded animal with her fingertips and pointed at the naked tail. "What is it?" she asked, fearful at the answer.
"Rattus norvegicus," answered Sai as he bit deeply into the flesh.
"What?"
"Swamp rat."
The three shinobi watch in mild amusement as Honey shrieked and jumped away from her dinner. Naruto chuckled and threw his arms over Sai's shoulder. Using the tail of his rat as a handle, he gestured expansively. "You know, The Crucible's not that bad even though we never see the sun. I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely."
"Seriously?"
"Nah," laughed Naruto. "That's called sarcasm, Aho. This place is really creepy. I would never want to live in a place where the men look like women and there's no pink…" Naruto was struck dumb as a strange sight had him tensing in unease.
Denser than any waves before it, a tidal wave of luminescent fog poured down from the crest of a nearby hill unseen, as formless as dreams, as weightless as air yet as solid as a wall, pressing against them as if to encapsulate them. The teens jumped to their feet, poised and alert for danger.
Here in the snowless whiteout, where nothing beyond their stretched out arms could be seen, stood the trio of genin and their prisoner. Their clothing quickly became coated with condensation, chilling them.
"I don't like this," muttered Sasuke.
"Cowards," muttered Honey snidely. "You do know this is like totally called the Village Hidden in the Mist for a reason don't you? Even I know that… but then again I'm real smart."
"What did we tell you about talking, Lady-boy? Do you require another lesson? I believe my brother Sasuke would be more than happy to assist you in recovering your memories." said Sai.
The prisoner bit back her angry retort and looked away, red-faced and embarrassed at the reminder of her humiliation with the log.
Naruto ignored their bickering and asked Sasuke, "Can you see through it with your Sharingan?"
"No. I can't see anything. Nothing at all..."
AN:
Wow, this is a big one! I wanted to have the whole second stage be one chapter, but one I hit 10,000 words and still had a long way to go, I realized that it needed to be split. Sorry for those of you that don't like cliffhangers (although it's really not much of one), but this seemed like the most natural place to stop before the next chapter. Just for fun – I put quotes from several different movies in this chapter and the next – Can you find them?! Also, I decided to go someplace different for my Mary Sue (or Mearī Sū, as she's called here!) but I loved the ideas some of you sent me so I had to incorperate them as well as your names! For those of you who aren't in here, well, I'm still writing, so maybe they will appear in the next chapter.
Thanks to everyone that followed/favorited/commented on the last chapter! Your reviews are my food - feed me! LOL
Ja Ne,
AZFAERYDUST