Chapter 8

Oliver can't help the rush of hope he feels when he shows up at the lair the night after the breakup and Felicity is there in her old spot. A dull, aching desperation had settled on him the moment she left the loft, but she's here now. She's here, even though he hurt her. She's here, even though Curtis had been starting to feel like an all too permanent replacement.

She came back.

He's staring at her, and he knows it's with that same wrenching longing from the year before. It makes their new status clear to the rest of the team. He sees it on each of their faces the moment they understand. The way Laurel is thinking that she knew he would screw this up, the way Thea's eyes fill with pity, the way Dig grows guarded and shifts subtly to put himself between Oliver and Felicity.

But she's back, and it's enough to ease the ache so that he can strategize about Darhk. He wants to try to connect with his old friend from Detroit. He tries to catch Felicity's eye first (which is so much better, he tells himself, than trying to get close enough to smell her hair, which is what he's dying to do), but she's deep in conversation with Cisco about extra security protocols for Samantha and William. He faces the rest of his team, unsure where he stands with them, but despite their obvious disappointment, they're still here too. They get to work.

At the end of the night, they're all back together and Oliver is hyper-aware of the way Felicity smiles and jokes with everyone- even a little with him- but how she also keeps her distance and is careful never to be alone with him. Dig is clearly her partner in this. It's expected and deserved, but the ache returns. She leaves without him and with only a general goodbye, and he has no idea how he's going to go on without her.

He does, of course. It's the same after every loss, and it never stops taking him by surprise. He keeps losing these people who are so vital to him, and he keeps just going on. It feels like a character flaw, the way he just keeps breathing and living with these huge pieces of himself missing. Unlike so many others, though, she isn't completely gone. He sees her night after night, and he feels it, the way they're not a team-within-the-team anymore. That's her and Dig now, the way they were after Oliver ran off to Lian Yu. He's managed to stumble a million steps back, and it fucking hurts. But she's still here, and Dig- though he doesn't try to hide his disappointment- hasn't turned his back on him, and Oliver still has a chance to make this right.

This is still on his mind two weeks later when Samantha calls to let him know that she and William are ready to see him again. He has a general idea of how William is, keeps in regular touch with the security team they've set up, but it's not the same as seeing him. Oliver is happy and nervous as he makes his travel plans and more than anything, he wants Felicity with him.

He's never going to get an opportunity to talk to her alone, so he asks her in front of Dig. He says that William and Samantha want to thank her for all she did, which is true, but come on...it's not like he's inviting Lyla too.

Felicity isn't unkind when she shoots him down. "I don't think that's a good idea," she says in a way that he can even tell hurts her a little. Dig just stands there beside her with his arms folded and a look that has dumbass written all over it.

Oliver feels like a dumbass too, but the next day at the train station, the crowd around him parts to make way for a blond in a wheelchair, and there's that hope again.

"I'm not coming with you," Felicity says. "But Curtis and I put this together for William, and I was hoping you could take it to him."

She hands over a large box wrapped in white paper with green polka dots. The whole thing is tied with an elaborate system of bright ribbons that scream Felicity. It's so her, and she did this for his son, and the ache once again goes into remission.

"Thank you," he says.

The smile she gives is bright and barely tinged with sadness at all. "Have a good day with him, Oliver."

He remembers how one time she called him a Master of Broodiness, and though there's a part of him that wants to give into these prime brooding conditions, he's never been able to do it in the face of one of her smiles. And then there's the sight waiting for him at the next station- William, holding onto his mother's hand. Things are not perfect, but he's getting to spend this day with his little boy and without the weight of guilt from sneaking around. It counts for something.

oOo

"Oliver, I'm scared," Samantha waits until Oliver has tucked William into bed for only the second time in his child's life to say it.

Just like that the ease and happiness of day spent playing legos with an 8-year-old is yanked away from him. "Has something happened?" Oliver replays all of the conversations he's had about security, all of the extra measures Felicity put in place. Had Darhk been able to find a way around it all? Oliver would never be able-

"No. Nothing's happened. Yet. I'm still scared. I talked to the prosecutor, and they're only charging my parents. No one else, even though I know they were all a part of it. I know they will try again," Oliver see it now, how beneath the calm Samantha has been trying to project, her eyes are growing wild. He can't blame her, can only imagine the toll all of this has taken on someone like her, someone just trying to live a normal life. "Plus, I've been keeping track of the news from Star City, and I know you say you guys are on it, but it looks to me like things are getting worse instead of better. I appreciate the security team, but William can't go back to his regular school, I can't go to work, I had to take him off his soccer team. He doesn't understand. He's sad and mopey and scared too, and Oliver, I feel like I'm stealing his childhood."

The crushing guilt that he knows so well is back. He revealed his child's identity to a super villain. He's the one stealing William's childhood.

"I know what it's like, not getting to be a normal kid. My parents took that from me too." Samantha's voice breaks and her eyes fill with tears. "I swore to myself my child would never know a life like that. I've tried so hard to give him a nice childhood. Oliver, it's killing me."

Samantha knows what it's like not to get to be an average kid with a happy family, but Oliver has no idea. As ruined as everything became later on, his childhood was perfect. He was safe and he was loved and he was happy. Like Samantha, he wants those same things for William. So he knows where this going. He just can't bring himself to be the one to say it outloud, is grateful when Samantha does it for him.

"I've been thinking...maybe we should go. I...I've done it before...I'm not afraid to start over." The look she offers him is questioning.

There's a photo on Samantha's fridge of William in a soccer jersey, surrounded by friends. He's so happy in that picture. Oliver doesn't like admitting it, but that same happiness was missing from the little boy's eyes today. He doesn't want it to be gone forever.

He's going to lose his son. It's not a new thought. If he's honest, it's one he's had since the very moment he realized William was his, and it is possible this is the actual reason he kept it all a secret. Oliver knew, knew, that the moment it became real, it would be over.

He is so very tired of losing.

Maybe there's another way. It's Felicity's voice running through his mind. He doesn't see how there could be another way, but that doesn't stop him from asking Samantha to give him another week. Just in case.

oOo

Oliver fidgets through the entire train ride home. The need to see Felicity, to talk to her is visceral. If he could just hear her voice, he would...but they're not a them anymore. He's been trying to respect that. But. His mind is full of buts, and he goes to the lair hoping to find her.

He finds Dig.

"It was a slow night. I sent her home."

"Who?"

The other man rolls his eyes. "Is that how you're playing this Oliver. Who? Felicity, that's who. It was a slow night, and she looked tired, so I sent her home. If you're looking for her, you'll want to look there."

Oliver collapses into a chair.

"But of course you're not going to do that. You're you, so you're going to sit here and sulk."

Oliver is too raw tonight to take anyone's shit, or pay any more penance. "What's your problem, Dig?"

"What's your problem Oliver? What is your fucking problem?"

"She left me, John. We're not together anymore."

"You're not together anymore because you went full Oliver. And now you're just letting her go when you should be fighting for her, proving to her that you've learned and that you'll stop repeating your goddamned mistakes."

Oliver throws up his arms. "How I do that? I'm asking seriously. How do I get her to forgive me? Because if you have any thoughts on this, trust me, I'd love to hear them."

"I can't fix this for you. All I know is that you don't fix anything by giving up." Dig starts to go, but then turns back. "Dammit, Oliver saving your ass has become too much of a habit. Look, I do have one piece of advice- stop thinking so much about what she can offer you, and start thinking about what you can offer her. Instead of focus on getting her forgiveness, why don't you focus on giving her the truth? There. That's all I'm saying."

Before Oliver can respond, Dig's cell is ringing and his friend answers, dismissing him.

Oliver is preparing to clean his bow when he hears Dig say, "What hospital are they taking her to? Shit, Lyla how did this happen?"

Oliver's first thought is Sara, and his chest fills with panic. He mouths the little girl's name to his friend, but when Dig meets his eyes, he knows. Not Sara. Felicity. The world falls away from him again, and grabs the phone.

"What happened?"

Lyla is in soldier mode and she gives him the facts briskly. They ordered takeout from the Thai place on Felicity's block. They must have used peanut oil. Felicity had a reaction, and now an ambulance is taking her away.

It takes a minute before Oliver can wrap his mind around this. When he does, the knot in his chest loosens a little. "But that place is safe. We go there all the time."

Little Sara is crying in the background, so Lyla has to raise her voice to be heard. "They changed management."

"Okay, but you just used her Epi pen, right?" The ambulance was just a precaution.

"No, Oliver, I tore the place apart, but I couldn't find her pen. She lost consciousness."

"What are you talking about? She always has her Epi pen. She keeps it in that teal case….FUCK." The teal case. On her bedside table. At the loft, not the townhouse. How could she have forgotten it? How could he not have realized it and brought it to her? The reality of the situation is finally catching up to him, and he doesn't have time for talking to Lyla anymore, or for thinking about what it might mean that Felicity actually lost consciousness.

He has to get to the hospital. Now.

oOo

Oliver is out of the car before Diggle can get it into park. He rushes through the sliding doors of the ER and spots Lyla right away. She's holding a screaming Sara and she looks...ashen. Terrified. Oliver has never seen Lyla Michaels look scared. The sight of it paralyzes him.

"She was taken to a resuscitation room. They said we had to stay out here...I have the baby..."

"Resuscitation room? What the hell is that?" He knows he's yelling, but he can't make himself stop. "What does that mean? I mean...how bad was it? She…she was breathing, right?"

Lyla is shaking. "I performed CPR. I..."

This isn't happening. He is screaming, but this cannot be happening. This is...she is his whole world, and she's supposed to still be here.

Dig's hand is on his shoulder, leading him to a chair. He's talking, but Oliver can't hear him. Everything just sounds so far away. He's back in the limo, on the street, in the ER, and no. No. Absolutely not. Felicity doesn't survive Damien Darhk, then die because they were careless with her Epi pen. That is...no. It's ridiculous. It's goddamn, fucking unacceptable.

A doctor comes out and Dig is urging Oliver to stand, to follow the doctor into the little room off the general waiting room, but no. Oliver is not going in there. He knows what happens in those little rooms with their single sofas and boxes of Kleenex. That's where they tell you it's over. That's where they tell you there's no more hope and that you better not have wasted all your chances, and there is no fucking way Oliver is going in there to talk about Felicity.

Everyone is all soothing tones and calming gestures, but they are not getting him into that room.

"Mr. Queen, she's been stabilized."

That gets through. That means there's still hope. Still chances.

The doctor is talking about something called a nebulizar and observation, and it's all floating over Oliver's head, but it doesn't matter, because they said she was stabilized.

"You can see her when we get her settled into a room."

They're putting her in a room. Where they put people who are stabilized. Oliver collapses in relief. The world is coming back into focus.

Diggle and Lyla are having a hushed conversation and Sara is still screaming.

"You guys should take her home. I'll tell Felicity you waited, and I'll send you an update."

He doesn't miss the hesitation in Lyla's eyes. Neither does Dig.

"It will be okay. She'll be okay with Oliver." Dig gestures to him. "It's not like we could get him to leave anyway."

Not a chance.

After eliciting a dozen promises that Oliver will keep them updated and will not, under any circumstances, leave Felicity alone in the hospital (that one stings, but he knows he deserves it, and he knows he'll do better), Diggle and Lyla take Sara home.

Oliver waits five more minutes and just when he's ready to search every room in the building until he finds Felicity, a nurse comes out and gives him her room number.

He doesn't bother with the elevator, instead he takes the stairs two and three at a time. He waits outside her door and takes five breaths. It's her rule. Always take five breaths to steady yourself so the other person won't see how scared you are.

He walks in, and she gives him a wry look. She's wearing a breathing mask, but he can tell her lips are swollen. It's so silly and stupid. He could have lost her this way. He could have lost her.

He can't keep his distance. He runs to her side and gathers her in a hug, mindful of the mask. He tries not to hold her too tightly, but all he can think is how close they came this time.

Eventually she pushes him back a little. She's waggling her eyebrows and doing some adorable winking thing (Felicity is terrible at winking. The worst.) He knows she's trying to tell him she's fine, but….

"Don't make me let you go. Please don't make me let you go."

She takes his hand, and he stays.

oOo

They discharge her after eight hours. Her breathing and her face are back to normal. So is her babbling. He doesn't stop her, just lets it wash over him. He wants to take her to the loft, he gives in and takes her to the townhouse. She wants to wheel herself in alone, she gives in and lets him carry her (But only because it's 3 AM and the paramedics left my chair in the house. Seriously, Oliver don't get any ideas.). He assures her that he is not getting any ideas. He wants to look into the possibility that Darhk poisoned her pad thai.

"Oliver, you're crossing a line into Paranoiaville."

He concedes.

He wants to stay, but she tells him to go.

"Felicity…"

"You have to go, because if I let you stay tonight, I may never make you leave again."

"And why would that be so bad?" He means for it to sound light and jokey, but it comes out plaintively and heartbroken.

"Oh Oliver. You don't know. Every night I wrestle with myself. Every single night. I'm so used to being with you, to talking to you right before bed. Every night, I want to call."

"Me too, Felicity. Me too. Why don't you call?"

She gives a sad little laugh. "I keep picturing it. Going back to you, starting over. We could still have something. It would be a little less shiny, you know, cracked in places, but it's still ours...but then I think about who I would be, living a life with a partner who doesn't trust me." He starts to cut her off, but she holds up her hand. "Don't. I can't trust you to trust me, and that's it. That's the winning card. It gets thrown down, and the part of me who wants to try again loses every time, and wow, I really stretched that metaphor, huh?"

He can't help but laugh. Even when she's crushing him, she makes him smile. "What can I do to tip the deck back into my favor?"

"Well, you can let that metaphor die for starters." He helps her settle in the bed, and his heart clenches when she starts burrowing herself into the pillows. "But honestly? I don't know."

He crouches down by the side of her bed. "I'm not going to give up."

"Good." She smiles. "Oliver, right now I'm angry and sad and humiliated and so, so disappointed."

He breaks in to apologize, to tell her what she means to him, but she stops him again.

"But I won't always be. Let me see where I end up when I get through to the other side."

He can do that. He will do that. Before he goes, he kisses the top of her nose and says, "For the record, you can call. Anytime. I will always pick up."