Chapter 11:

"Step by Step"

A few days later Alex came get Piper from her dorm. The blonde asked where they where going, but Alex told her that it was a surprise. Holding her hand, Alex dragged her lover through the prison to the cafeteria. It was closed at this hour of the day, but Nikki and Lorna opened the door for them. They had convinced Red to borrow the keys for the evening. Nikki and Lorna escorted the newly reunited couple to the empty kitchen, and then to the pantry. Lorna strutted in front of everyone and opened the door with fruition on her face.

"Room for two!" Lorna exclaimed. Inside there was a mattress made of heavy flour bags and emergency fire blankets scattered on them and the shelves were decorated with old Christmas lights. "So this not a room in Bora Bora Bora, but we figured you could use some alone time, so there it is." Lorna said and gave them a smile that was genuine. She explained that they had two hours, after that they had to come back before the count for nighttime. Alex thanked her.

"Just try not to make a mess in Red's pantry," Nikki joked while looking at Piper specifically. Nikki and Lorna left hands in hands.

Alex put her arms around Piper back, brought her inside the pantry with her and closed the door. Alex was a little nervous being in a small and dark room, but knowing Piper was with her and they weren't locked in made her feel better.

Piper was anxious as well but for different reasons. She had to remind herself that the woman standing in front of her was her partner and not an aggressor. Somehow telling herself that still didn't make her feel better—it just made her think back to the night of the assault. An assault that Alex still wasn't aware of and Piper hoped she could get through this night and all the others without her ever knowing. She hated to keep secrets from her significant half, but if she had to go through some pain to protect Alex's heart she would.

Alex put her hands on Piper's lower back and tugged the blonde so that their bodies touched as she started drawing a path of wet kisses down her neck. Alex hands cupped her ass and massaged it firmly, tugging her even closer so that the short woman's center could move against her tight. "You look so damn beautiful Pipes. I missed you so much," the dark-haired woman breathed sensually and the warm air coming from her mouth tickled the shell of her ear.

Piper was tense and her eyes were wide opened, staring blankly at the shelves behind Alex. She got scared Alex would notice so instinctively she cupped the back of her neck and pulled her in for deep kiss, hoping to distract her. Her tongue swirled in the other woman's mouth and Alex moaned against her lips. Alex was too impatient to feel the blonde completely—her hand traveled south between their bodies and under the fabric. Fighting against her inner turmoil, Piper reacted to Alex's lovely and delicate touch and was triggered back to that night. Her traumatized brain went as far as bringing back the memory of Janet's rough hand making its way down her body with the blade, even with Alex's soft hands touching her. She wasn't about to have sex with Alex anymore, but with the haunting souvenir of her first night in Albion. It wasn't fair to her lover, and it sure wasn't fair to herself to go through this. Piper had really thought she could have deal with it, but it wasn't like she imagined.

Abruptly and before Alex could even begin her quest, Piper grabbed her wrist with force and pulled her hand out of her pants. Alex opened her eyes and looked at her with confusion.

"I can't, I'm so sorry Alex,' Piper said with distress and water welling in her eyes. "I love you," she said before running away as fast as she could.

Alex was so puzzled and staggered that it took her a few a second before realizing she needed to go after Piper. She looked in the hallways and in the dorm before finding her whimpering loudly in the bathroom. Piper was sitting on one of the broken stall's toilet, her hands trying to muffle the loud cries that came out of her mouth. Alex kneeled in front of her and put her hands gently on Piper's knees. "Piper… what's going on? What happened back there?" Alex asked softly.

"I don't, I can't, oh god, I'm so sorry Alex," Piper stammered senselessly. She was out of breath from the excessive crying and started panting.

"Piper breathe please"

"Alex, just go, just leave me alone," Piper said pleadingly.

"Piper, I'm not leaving until you tell me what happened. Nikki and Lorna made a lot of effort in trying to get us some alone time… just please tell me what happened," Alex reasoned her.

"Please don't make this harder Alex," Piper said looking away from her.

"Piper…"

Piper looked in her eyes and said firmly, "Go away".

Alex stood up, shaking her head in disbelief. "I don't get you Piper. You broke my heart by choosing Larry and I took you back…. For what? To get my heart broken again by you? I don't know how long I can keep doing this…" Alex told her before leaving her alone.

Piper and Alex avoided each other for the rest of the week. Alex still had no clue of what was going on and she eventually started to believe that somewhat, somehow Piper had chosen Larry once and for all. She was going crazy obviously because there was no way Piper could have contacted Larry and he had been clear about staying away from her.

As for Piper, she felt utterly terrible toward what she was doing to Alex. She tried to think of a million thing she could tell Alex instead of the actual truth—all sounded too stupid and she just didn't want to lie to Alex anymore.

"Where is Alex?" Piper asked to the girls one day at dinnertime. It had been two dinners in a row that she hadn't seen her.

"She's not eating anymore," Nikki said. "No idea why. Did something happen between you two, Piper? I mean I thought some yummy lesbianing in Red's pantry would bring you back to your honeymoon phase? Did you catch some STD Piper? That would explain why she's not eating any food. Or you for that matter. "

Piper didn't hear a word after the terrible thought that Alex was starving herself because of her. She stood up, brought a muffin in its plastic wrap and left to find her.

"I WAS JOKING BLONDIE C'MON!' Nikki shouted to her across the cafeteria.

Piper finally found Alex lying on her bunk, listening to the radio, and facing the wall. Piper kneeled on the floor and put a hand on her arms. "Alex baby can we talk?" Piper asked softly.

Alex removed her earphones and faced Piper. She waited for her to start.

"I'm sorry Alex. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you," Piper said truthfully and handed her the muffin. Alex stayed quiet and took the muffin. Piper continued, "The reason I've been acting so weird is because I didn't told you everything about my time in Albion prison. The truth is, I've not only been physically assaulted. I have been sexually assaulted."

"Piper…" Alex started and her heart ached too much to even form words. Of all the things she had imagined on why Piper was avoiding her, this had never crossed her mind. She felt furious, not against Piper but to the horrible person who had done this to her. Alex tried to maintain herself from punching something and also from crying. She didn't know what to say.

"Do you forgive me?" Piper asked, not sure if she had, judging by the lack of words coming from Alex.

"Piper I was never mad at you… I just thought, I never imagined that, I just, if only I had known, I would have never," Alex stammered quickly. "I'm so sorry baby," Alex added and went to put her hands on her, but stopped herself. Piper noticed.

"It's okay Alex you can touch me. It's just when you started being more intimate with me the other day I just couldn't get myself to stay in the moment and I freaked out. It's still fresh in my mind. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to make you sad, but turns out I did more harm. I'm really sorry," Piper explained and took her hand and laced their fingers. "I love you"

"I love you too Piper. I'm so sorry you went through this. I'm so angry. So angry at the person that did this. You've been through so much already and you didn't need that too. I don't know what to say except that I want you to know that I'm not going to push you. Even if you never want to have sex again I just want to be with you and know that you are safe," Alex said and meant all of it.

Piper dried the tears that escaped her girlfriend's eyes with her thumb. "Alex Vause don't be silly. I'll want to have sex eventually, we need that connection and I'm not gonna let her take this away from us. I just need us to go slow alright."

"Absolutely. But please Piper, please don't push me away. I want to help you. I'm not sure how, but I love you and I want us to get through this together," Alex pleaded. Piper could see how much Alex had grown over the years and with all they had been through. She was proud of her girlfriend and fell safe and loved as ever in her life.

Piper promised her not to run away this time. They embarked on a journey of rediscovery and fought to get back the intimacy that had been stripped from them. They did research in the library about the recovery of sexual assault survivors, but what helped the most is that Alex, probably for the first time in her life, had gave all the control and power to Piper.

Step 1: Communication

Alex and Piper made use of their recently acquired knowledge on the subject and decided they needed to do this right so they followed a book. The first step was to communicate. To tell your partner about how you feel toward the situation and, when you feel comfortable enough, describe the assault. Before they started Piper promised Alex she would do her best not to hold back and Alex insisted it was okay for her to take her time. By the end of the day Piper had told her partner everything. From how it happened in details to why it happened. Although Piper got in details she tried not to be graphic, but Alex's thoughts were horrible regardless. Piper could see it was hurting her, but she had made a promise she was determined to keep. It was important that Alex knew what she had went through so that she could help her better before they started the physical recovery.

Step 2: Intimacy is not always sexual

The book suggested to start rediscovering each other's bodies without involving the genitals. Various activities were proposed such as drawing on your partner back with fingers like kids, do each a manicure and a bunch of stuff like that that they couldn't do because of the restriction prison imposed. They tried the first one in the chapel, but it just ended that they had stop because it made them both too turned on. They laughed a lot though and Piper enjoyed seeing this more childish version of Alex.

Step 3: Looking, no touching.

This one they enjoyed a lot. They took a shower together one morning. It took so much time that they missed the food line, but it was worth it. The sight of each other's glorious body was long missed. They remembered the numerous time they had made love in this shower before Piper was sent away. Piper really wanted to make physical contact at this point, but she resisted and Alex wasn't expecting anything anyways. She loved her for that.

Step 4: Review step 1,2 & 3 before continuing (AKA Fuck what the book says)

The couple was hidden in the library reading books when suddenly Piper straddled Alex's laps and made out with her. Piper's hands would roam on Alex's chest, but the dark haired woman didn't reciprocate. They had made out since the assault when they first saw each other again. Piper was comfortable with kissing and Alex was not one to complain. They had missed one another's skillful and talented tongues and lips and mostly the passion that writhed fervently in their bodies like no kiss ever did on earth.

Step 5: Start slowly (AKA the book was useful after all)

Whenever they would make out Piper's desires to push deeper would grow. They decided to look at the book again. It said to go slow. So they did. Sort of. They moved to the second based without hitting any homerun at first. They felt like teenagers again. One time Piper came accidently from the dry humping. An orgasm felt so good and relieving after all this time and Piper wanted Alex to feel that too so she used her fingers to pleasure her and made her come twice. Piper didn't think much of the assault anymore. When she started to zoom out she would open her eyes and look at her lover to ground herself. Alex was aware of why she was doing this and so every time she would smile lovingly at her or whisper something like 'I heart you'.

They had made a lot of progress in a month, and hopefully soon enough Piper would give herself completely to Alex again. Their love could overcome everything thrown at them, though they sincerely hoped it was the last thing they had to go through. Time would tell.

A/N: An update finally! I wrote the recovery so that it fits in one chapter because I don't want to make this all about the assault, I hope it was fine and written okay.

Credit to whatever article about intimacy recovery I read back when I wrote a thesis about it for helping with this.

Thank you all for being so loyal to the story. Keep reviewing; your comments make me happy. Do you guys think Piper and Alex will go all the way without any problem or will something happen?