Chapter 16

"Not All Men Are Assholes"

"No that's impossible she told me she was with you," Piper argued not wanting to believe it."

"Yo Chapman, I'll tell you one last time. I haven't seen her. Go figure your shits with your girl," Nikki retorted with a face that said 'don't bring me into your shits' and she left the cafeteria with Lorna.

Piper let out a 'fuck' and dashed out of the cafeteria. She went to the bathroom, hoping Alex would still be there and be alive. She couldn't believe this; first the jumping on the electric fence and now a cut that very well seemed self inflicted.

"ALEX VAUSE!" Piper shouted as she threw open the bathroom's door. "VAUSE!"

Piper's blood was boiling in her veins and she felt like her heart was going to beat out of her chest. The only reasoning in Piper's mind was that Alex was trying once again to sabotage their relationship, what they had been fighting for so long now.

It hit her like a ton of bricks when she turned the corner and saw Alex sitting on the floor, her glasses on the floor and the mascara on her face smudged by the tears that flowed thick and fast from her eyes. She was hardly trying to keep the toilet paper on her bleeding wound, careless as if she had given up on her life, and then Piper understood that it was much complicated then it seemed.

"Alex…" The blonde voice was soft, almost wary as if she was afraid to say something that would upset other woman. She sat down carefully on the dirty floor next to Alex. She waited for Alex to look at her, but the dark haired woman starred in emptiness. Piper put her hand on her wet cheek and made her look at her. "Say something please."

"I'm hurting Piper," the reply was devastating, heartbreaking even. It summoned terror in the midst of Piper's misplaced anger. Seeing Alex so vulnerable destabilized Piper. She was her rock. The person she thought that never could become so broken.

Piper's silly and only reflex to this statement was to put pressure on Alex's wound although she knew to well that she wasn't talking about this kind of pain.

"I thought you were doing well baby. You proposed to me. You were happy for me. I don't understand…" Piper assimilated before leaning her forehead on the side of Alex's and letting the silence surround them.

"I am happy for you Piper," Alex said after a few seconds and wiped the last tears on her cheek. "More than you can imagine. And I meant it when I ask you to spend the rest of our life together, but I just—"

"What? You just what Alex?"

"I don't know how to explain it Piper." Alex let out a sigh. "I find some kind of release… when I get pain and I know that's so fucked up but I can't help it."

"You need help Alex…"

"I know that Piper," Alex snapped. "But we're in fucking prison. I'm not sure I can magically get better again by reading stupid books."

"There's a new psychologist… maybe he's better than the old one. You could try talking to him." Piper suggested. She knew that it wasn't easy for Alex to open up, especially to strangers, but she had to try if they wanted to make it. She caressed her arm softly. "What do you think?"

"I'll try Piper… but I can't do it without you. And now I'm afraid I lost you and that you don't even want to marry me anymore." Alex confessed. She was genuinely scared that Piper couldn't deal with more sadness and leave her. Without her, she had no other reason to breathe or get out of this hole. Strong, independent Alex Vause had became weak and clingy and she hated it more than anything.

"If we were not in prison and under other circumstances, I would probably tell you that we should delay the engagement, but considering you are deeply struggling, and that I am gonna be with you every step of the way fondly, view this as a reminder that I'll stay with you through your worse, hoping that one day I'll get to marry you in our best time. So yes I am your fiancée, and that's not what's gonna change that, this is just one more thing that we'll get through together." Piper promised.

Alex grabbed Piper's hand and kissed her knuckles. "Thank you Pipes."

Piper looked at Alex with a genuine compassion and understanding. "I love you Alex."

Alex sighed. "I love you too Piper… which is why there's something I should tell you."

Piper furrowed her brow, having the bad feeling that the whole mess wasn't about to end. She waited for Alex to continue.

"Before you came back to Litchfield after you've been assaulted, well I was assaulted too," Alex admitted and Piper eyes widened instantly. "Not sexually, don't worry," Alex added immediately. "Tiffany's friends, those stupid methheads, decided that they had to do the work of god and punish me for hurting Pensatucky, because you weren't there, and they beated me up."

"Oh god Alex no, no this is all my fault."

"Shh." Alex silenced, cradling her face between her hands. "I'm over it okay. I didn't tell you because you had enough to deal with, and understand when I say that this is not your fault at all. It's entirely them, and I'm not gonna let you feel guilty about this okay? They have taken enough from us.

"I'm really sorry Alex, I wish, I wish that I had—"

"No Piper, there's nothing you could have done, please. Let's just forget about this okay?"

"I'm not sure I can Alex," Piper admitted. It made her so angry that those bitches had laid a finger of her fiancée, and even more because it was partially her fault.

"Try Piper please. I want us to move on to better things."

"Okay… okay." Piper gave in, but she definitely wasn't going to forget about it. "But I think you should talk about this with the shrink, it may have something to do with the fact that you are hurting yourself now."

Alex took her hand and laced their finger together, giving her a smile, the first since Piper had walked in there. "I promise I will."

Alex signed up for therapy session as Piper had previously suggested, and she was surprised to see how much it worked. The new shrink, Mr. Evans, was in his 30's, and this was his first real job. He looked like he was genuinely passionate about what he did, and Alex loved that. He was a true democrat and thus cared about equality and a lot of interesting stuff, which definitely made it easier for Alex to open up. Plus he was easy on the eyes, unlike some male staff working here, not that Alex cared or anything, but still.

It was hard to believe after all she'd been through that she had finally found someone, besides Piper, to whom she could confess her sadness and pain without restraint. Mr. Evans was even aware of Alex's relationship with Piper because the dark haired woman trusted him enough to share that information and thought it would be easier that way to get the help she needed.

"So how are you feeling today, Ms Vause?" he started with his usual glow.

"Better than the day before"

"Good, I'm glad to hear this." He smiled. "So I want us to start today with you sharing a memory, a thought or anything that makes you happy."

"Oh okay, I don't know emmh. "Alex babbled and took a second to think. "Can it be about Piper?"

"It can be about anything, as long as it makes you happy."

"Her laugh is… well, I could say it's beautiful but that would a lie. It's goofy and weird but every time it makes me laugh too because it's so Piper, you know?" Alex smiled. "And I love it so much. So yeah I guess it is beautiful in a way. It's the most beautiful laugh."

Evans smiled. "I'm glad to hear that. Each time you mention Piper it makes me a little jealous, am I even allowed to say that?" He laughed. "Well anyways, the way you speak so highly of her reflect a lot about yourself Alex. You are caring and selfless. Those are great qualities that I hope you know that you have."

"I'm not sure about that but thank you," Alex said, blushing.

"Now let me ask you something, where do you see your life once you get out of prison?"

"Anywhere, as long as it with Piper," Alex answered without even having to twice about it.

"Don't get me wrong, that's a wonderful thing to look forward too. But you need more Alex. You need to give yourself goal outside of the love bubble you share with Piper. You owe her that, to be the best version of yourself before committing your life to her. I know considering your history, finding a normal job is something that won't be easy to you at first, but I'm confident that if you give a hundred percent of yourself to it like you did with the drug ring that you'll succeed. You just need to find what that something is, and I think that you could use the time you have left here to find what is it you want to do with the rest your life."

"I wouldn't even know where to start." Alex shrugged.

"Start with what you love."

Alex nodded but she was well aware that it easier said than done.

"So Alex we have only 10 minutes left, mind if I ask you one last question?" He asked politely. Alex nodded. "Have you tried hurting yourself ever since the incident in the bathroom?"

"No I haven't," Alex answered, avoiding his gaze.

"Good, good." He simply said and added, "In my humble opinion, now you're welcome to disagree, the self inflicted pain made you feel like you accomplished something; you pushed yourself to your limits and each time you it was something you survived. Am I right so far?" He asked but Alex remained silent and continued to look at the floor. He continued, "but with everything you've been through, it's time that you start living, you're doing generally good Alex, there's nothing else to survive now. Which confirms my previous recommendation, you need to start giving yourself goals and accomplish them. You'll see that the feeling you get from that is much greater than any kind of physical pain."

"I have some really good news Piper" Nicolas announced with enthusiasm as Piper sat down in the visitation room.

"For some reasons I don't believe in good news anymore," Piper said with disinterest.

"Enough with the dark thoughts this morning Piper jeez, okay so I talked with my people and arranged a new court hiring, with a new judge, and one of the Bar president associate, and they are gonna review the whole case. Ain't that amazing?"

"I don't know, is it?"

"Oh c'mon honey, contains yourself jeez," he said sarcastically.

"Honey? Honey? I've hardly seen any lawyer call their client honey! Piper exclaimed. "You know what Mr. Donavan? I don't believe you for a second. You are playing me. And flirting with me and putting your hands on me, know that whatever you're doing is not gonna make me have any interest in you sexually or otherwise, understand?"

Nicolas burst into laugher. "Oh. My. God. Did you get the wrong impression that I was flirting with you? Sweetie please don't flatter yourself, I'm gay." He told her, unable to start laughing.

"Oh," was all that came out of Piper's mouth. This proved three things: 1) she bad at reading people, but like really bad. 2) She really needed to get out of this place and start hanging out in gay bars again because her gaydar was dramatically awful, and 3) she was good at finding drama where these was not. "Well forget what I said then…" she said and leaned her head on the table followed by a muffled 'fuck'.