-9-

The rain fell on Oliver as he lay face down in the grass, soaking through his leather suit and cooling the roaring pain in his lower side. His bow and quiver lay a few feet away from him, forgotten. Nearby, the towering silhouette of the Queen mansion stood large and empty in the night. Occasionally the moonlight would break through the clouds, illuminating in front of Oliver the memorial stones dug into the grass, and he would read the names written on them as he drifted in and out of consciousness: Robert Queen; Moira Queen; Tommy Merlyn; Yao Fei; Shado. He had had them installed in the grounds of the mansion, right where he could see them from his bedroom window, to always remind him what he was fighting for and who he was honouring with his chosen path.
He groaned as a dull throbbing pain ebbed out from his side and spread across his torso, shortening his breath. He wondered where Diggle was – he had told him to meet him at the mansion. At least he thought he had told him. He was having a hard time remembering anything at the moment.
With great difficulty he rolled onto his back, welcoming the feeling of the rain falling onto his face like a cooling balm. He carefully reached down and felt his side where he had been shot, inhaling sharply as his probing fingers found his wound. Holding his hand up to his face, he saw that it was covered in blood.
He let his hand fall back down to the grass, his strength leaving him. He looked around at the stone memorials again, and realised that if he didn't get some help soon, he was probably going to die. A faint buzzing was in his ear, and when he concentrated enough, he could hear Diggle talking to him through his earpiece, telling him to hold on, he was on his way and why in God's name had he gone all the way to the mansion instead of back to the Sanctuary? But then Oliver would lose the will to listen anymore and he would drift dazedly in and out of consciousness, feeling the rain on his face, looking at the stone memorials, wondering why it was that he had gone all the way there to that spot just to lie in the mud, bleeding, dying and alone.
Through his rain-soaked eyes, he read the names on the stones again: Robert Queen; Moira Queen; Tommy Merlyn; Yao Fei; Shado. It was like a litany in his head, a litany that he had recited almost every day for the past seven years. He thought it was appropriate that if he was going to die, it would be here, next to the names of the people he had been fighting for, and now was dying for. He hoped that he had done them proud, and that they would grant him a peaceful death.
Death…he had spent so long dodging it, it was almost an anti-climax the way it was finally coming to him. In all honesty, it wasn't such a bad thing. It was actually quite a relief knowing that tomorrow he wouldn't have to fight anymore.
He closed his eyes.
From somewhere deep inside him, an echo of a voice drifted through his head, a memory of a moment in a clock tower not so long ago: You honour the dead by fighting. And you are not done fighting.
Oliver opened his eyes, gasping in pain as he returned once more to full consciousness. He looked around him desperately, but all he could see was falling rain and shadows. He could have sworn he had heard Felicity's voice calling out to him; but that was impossible. Felicity wasn't in Starling City anymore.
With a groan he tried to sit up, but only managed to prop himself up onto his elbows before he collapsed again. He got a quick glance down at the gunshot wound in his side, pressing a hand to it to try and stop the bleeding. He was feeling dangerously woozy now, and he knew that he had lost a lot of blood. With a grunt, he pressed his hand down harder, his eyes drifting over to the memorial stones as he fought to stay conscious.
Robert Queen; Moira Queen; Tommy Merlyn; Yao Fei; Shado. Try as he might, those names conjured up nothing good in his mind at that moment as he lay there, bleeding on the grass in front of his childhood home. His father reminded him of betrayal, his mother of deception; Tommy had thought him a murderer; Yao Fei had given him a taste of vengeance for the first time; and Shado, beautiful Shado, his everlasting guilt. These people had driven him to pursue a life that he had hoped would redeem his honour and would win him back some grace. But was that all that his life was now? A mission to make up for past wrongs?
Don't you have any happy stories?
He looked around again, hearing Felicity's voice. It was so loud in his head he could almost convince himself that she was just a few feet away, about to run towards him with a look of concern and disapproval on her face. She was never very happy whenever he got hurt.
He groaned, the pain in his side worsening, although he increased the pressure that he was applying to his wound in an attempt to stay conscious. He found his mind replaying the five years he had been away, and he wondered if this was what people meant when they said that life flashed before a person's eyes before he or she died. As the myriad of emotions and faces and moments paraded through his head, Oliver found that Felicity was mostly right: those years didn't have a lot of happy stories in them.
But to his surprise, when the memories of the past two years flashed before his eyes, he could see a few moments when he had been happy.
A triumphant shadow of a smile flickered across his face. For once, Felicity had been wrong. She had told him that she felt sad every time she watched him leave as the Arrow each night because she thought that if he died, it would be not remembering what it was like to be happy.
But he did remember what it was like to be happy. The memories came to him in a steady flow, as vivid as if they had happened only a minute ago, as if somewhere deep inside him, he had been keeping them secret, keeping them safe for the precious rare moments that they were.
The first time he had walked into Felicity's office and she had made him smile with her babbling.
The time when they had gotten into that argument about her becoming his Girl Wednesday.
The time when she had called him a hero after putting his mask on him for the first time.
And that moment, on Lian Yu, the day after they had finally defeated Slade, when she had tried to get him to take back his 'I-love-you'.
As he replayed the memories in his mind, an overwhelming feeling of regret came over him, so overpowering that it eclipsed the pain in his side that was slowly killing him. He might never get a chance to tell Felicity that he had meant it, that his feelings for her were real, and that if he could do his whole life over again, he would choose any version of it that would have her still in his life. She would never know that his last thoughts were of her and that he wished that he had taken that leap of faith to be a part of her life, just as she had taken the leap to be a part of his. She would never know that now, when it was probably too late, he would give up everything if it only meant that he could be with her.
She would never know that he actually had happy stories, and it was because of her.
If Diggle didn't find him soon…he gritted his teeth and shook his head. No, Diggle would find him, and until then, he would stay alive. He had to see Felicity, tell her that he chose a life with her…
The rain stopped falling for a moment, leaving Oliver to lie there in a long, hushed silence. He stared at the stone memorials, his breathing loud in his own ears, thinking about the life that he had led so far – the life that he was now willing to give up.
I'm sorry, he finally thought, his mind slowly drifting back into the blackness. Dad, Mom, Tommy, Yao Fei, Shado. I know I promised that I would keep fighting to honour you, but I didn't see this coming.
His hand pressed down on his gunshot wound before it slackened and fell down by his side.
I didn't count on being happy.