Writing this chapter made me fall in love with the story again which is why I stayed up way too late to write it and you get a quick update.
Leave a review when you're done reading and wait patiently for the next chapter, hope to update soon.
The night Ethan was born, when he was just a few hours old, Amanda was asleep, she had just finished feeding him and Nick was holding the baby in his arms. She was so tired and he was glad she got some rest.
Nick looked at the little boy in his arms, he was bundled up in a light blue blanket, moving a little bit in his fathers arms. He got a name just a couple of hours ago and already is seemed like a perfect fit. Ethan.
The boy's expression changed and he made a sound that was dangerously close to sobbing. Nick didn't want him to wake Amanda up.
"It's ok" he tenderly caressed his forehead and whispered to his son "you're ok, I'm here"
With his fingers against this baby's palm Nick remembered that night as if it was yesterday and not more than three years ago, it seemed to him that his presence was enough to make his son calm down.
Amanda's arm was rested against Nick's back, moving up and down once in a while.
"What are you thinking about?" she moved her chair even closer to his and leaned her cheek against his shoulder.
"Just…" he took a deep breath "the day Ethan was born"
"Feels like yesterday" she said quietly.
"I just…" Nick wasn't sure what he was, he tried to figure out what he was feeling, but he couldn't come up with the answer, no emotion came to mind.
"It's ok, I'm here"
The nurse came by a few times to check on the baby, she looked grim each of those times, no good news.
"This doesn't feel real" Nick said "he's paying the biggest price, and he is innocent in this. He doesn't deserve this and I maybe there was something I could have done…"
"Nick" Amanda sat up and looked at him "I know you feel guilty, I understand it, but this is on him, your father is the one who did this. You tried to help, you did the right thing, but if she couldn't accept it…"
"I should have tried harder to convince her, if I would have stayed awake, stopped her for leaving…"
"Then what?" she shook her head "you offered her everything you could"
"It doesn't matter anyway, we're here" he looked at the incubator "he's here"
"We are here, for him" she said "that's all we can do"
"It's not enough"
The nurse returned with Doctor Reid, they checked his vitals and asked Nick and Amanda to leave the room while they ran some tests.
"Zara sent a text earlier" Amanda checked her phone and read it to him "Ethan's asleep and I'm going to bed, hope you're alright"
"It's too late to reply now"
"And she sent this photo of the two of them" Amanda smiled and showed it to Nick, Ethan and his sister sitting on his bed, smiling widely to the camera.
"The only good thing about selfies" Nick took the phone and smiled, he loved the connection Zara and Ethan had, all his children had. Ethan adored Zara and Gil, he was so excited whenever they came over.
Nick handed Amanda the phone when he noticed the doctor coming over to them, he couldn't read her blank expression, he figured she had a lot practice maintaining this look so parent wouldn't be able to read her. But if she had good news she'd smile, and she wasn't smiling.
She gave them a few medical terms, they listened and nodded as the doctor explained that time was running out and Nick could picture a hourglass next to the incubator.
"I'm so sorry" she shook her head "but at least you're there, maybe it doesn't seem like a lot, but I believe it makes a difference"
"Yeah" Nick wasn't hiding his frustration.
"Do you have any contact with her family members?" the doctor asked.
"No, she said she doesn't have a family and…I don't really know her"
"We can handle that later" she led them back to the room.
Everything felt the same, the chairs, the machines, the baby. The hourglass.
"He needs a name" Nick looked at him "we can't call him the baby"
"Did she mention a name?" Amanda asked.
"No, Ethan asked her but I told him not to ask a lot of questions, she seemed overwhelmed and I…should have known" he could tell Amanda was going to protest again "I know what you're going to say, but right now…"
"Hey" her fingers reached for his cheek "how about we just be here, I think you should hold him, that's what he needs" Nick looked at her and she kept on caressing his cheek "I remember when Ethan was born, we were still at the hospital and you thought I was asleep but I woke up when he started crying and you said, you told him that he was ok, that you were there and I…" Nick smiled, he thought about the same moment not long ago "I felt just the same, that I was ok because you were there and I still feel just that. All we can do is this, but he has his brother to make him feel safe"
The doctor returned into the room and exchanged a look with them "can I hold him?" Nick asked and she walked over to the incubator and nodded.
"Lean back" she said and Nick complied and watched as she carefully picked the boy up and placed him in Nick's arms. He looked even smaller now, Nick felt like he wasn't holding anything but tubes and wires.
"I'm sorry" Nick whispered, he felt Amanda's hand on his shoulder but kept his gaze on the baby "I don't know what your name is, but I do know you have a family, you are an uncle. Gil is your oldest nephew, he is such a smart kid, he's thinking of becoming a lawyer, I'm not sure I like the idea, but he's gonna win that argument. Zara, your niece, she's in drama club, she loves singing and acting, she's the lead in a play they're working on at school and she's working so hard on it. Ethan is…" Nick choked up and Amanda tenderly squeezed his shoulder, saying it was alright if he wanted to stop. But the doctor was still in the room and Nick knew she wasn't there to listen in. He wanted the baby to know the good side of his family.
"Ethan" Nick continued "he's this incredibly happy and caring boy, he has a friend, her name's Emma who broke her arm a few months ago, and when we went to visit her Ethan gave her his favorite toy, horsie, to help her feel better"
He took another deep breath and smiled before he spoke again "me, I'm your brother, and I'm really lucky to have them and to have Amanda who I don't deserve, but don't tell her that because…that's your family"
They were all quiet for a few seconds when Nick turned to Amanda "talk about the balloon"
"The balloon?" she wasn't sure what he was talking about.
"The bedtime story" he explained "please"
Amanda nodded, she could see how hard Nick was trying to fight his feelings, fight the tears, the pain.
The balloon that flew away she knew this one by heart, just like all of Ethan's favorite stories, and if that's what Nick needed, she could recite it.
"One afternoon Danny and mom went to the park where she bought him a beautiful green balloon…"
For a moment it all seemed normal, reading a bed time story to a child. But this was everything but normal. She reached to the final sentence and his instinct was to laugh at her for actually knowing the entire thing by heart, but he wasn't sure he still remembered how to laugh.
"And the balloon was floating in the air and Danny waved and said goodbye"
It was after six am when Nick and Amanda walked to the parking lot. A nurse past them and a few cars drove by as they made their way to their vehicle. Nick was so used to the city sounds he rarely paid attention to them, but now it was the first time he heard absolutely nothing of the usual commotion, the only thing in his ears was the doctor's voice as she pronounced the death of the brother he knew for the last few hours, a baby whose life ended before it even began.
The only thing that kept him somewhat focused, enabling him to walk, was Amanda's hand holding his. Her support was the only thing that helped him go through this night, sitting there with him, listening to the doctor's explanations, as he let her know they'd handle the funeral arrangements.
"Amanda" he suddenly stopped and looked at her, unable to say anything else, he felt like his entire body was shaking, even though he was perfectly still. She touched his cheek, her fingers dragging down the rugged skin, she moved down to his chin, his neck, his chest and eventually wrapped her arms around him.
"Let's go home" she said after what could have been a second or an hour, he couldn't tell the difference
"Are you ok?" Zara greeted them at the door, she could see the answer was no, her father looked pale, he looked frightened.
"It's fine, thanks for watching Ethan" Zara knew he was lying but didn't probe.
"I'll drive you home" Amanda smiled at her.
"You can take me straight to school, I asked mom to bring me my things yesterday" her gazed followed Nick as he walked to the kitchen to grab himself a glass of water but he didn't drink it.
"I'll go get dressed" Zara rushed to her bedroom. When she returned her father was still in the same position, holding a full glass of water, Amanda was standing next to him, she told him something but Zara couldn't hear.
"You're ready?" Amanda smiled at her.
"What happened?" Zara asked once they were in the car "Amanda?"
"It's complicated hon, but it's gonna be ok" she drove off "are you sure you want me to take you straight to school? It's pretty early"
"I have rehearsals for our play, we're working day and night, not literally" she laughed and Amanda smiled at her "Ethan was great, he went to sleep after we read a book"
"Thank you so much for watching him, I know you're busy"
"I love watching him, I just hope you guys are alright" Zara tried to think about all the possibilities, she knew her dad and Amanda weren't working together so that couldn't be it. They seemed very happy together so it wasn't some kind of therapy, but if this was a date then maybe they needed one, if that's how they returned home from it.
"We are, don't worry" Amanda dropped her off and watched as she walked into the building. Zara was a smart girl, she'd probably find out about this soon enough, news picked this stuff fast.
Nick placed the glass on the counter, he couldn't bring himself to drink the water.
"Daddy I'm up" he heard Ethan's cheerful announcement.
"Good morning" Nick smiled at him, he couldn't let the boy see him like this.
"Daddy read me a story" Ethan ran to his father and looked up at him.
"How about breakfast first?" Nick offered.
"No, I want a story please thank you" he insisted.
"Ok, go get a book and after one story you are getting ready, deal?"
Ethan nodded and Nick sat on the couch, Frannie was lying there and he patted her, promising to take her for a walk soon.
"I want this one" Ethan was back holding a book in his hands.
"Sit next to me" Nick took the book from the boy, The balloon that flew away "are you sure?" he didn't want to read it, he wanted to through the book away.
"Yes, please" Ethan smiled widely and Nick gave in, and started reading. He had to fight the tears that threatened to ran down his eyes with every word he read, but he didn't want to do this, to cry like that in front of his three year old boy.
"And the balloon was floating in the air and Danny waved and said…" he reached the last line.
"Goodbye" Ethan completed the sentence and Nick couldn't control himself anymore, the events of last night taking over him and the tears poured out, staining the page.
"Daddy!" Ethan looked at Nick, completely surprised "you're sad?"
Nick nodded and Ethan reached for him, the boy's fingers wiping away the tears.