A/N: Thanks so much to the people who have reviewed/followed/favourited this, I really wanted to write this for myself and didn't expect people to want to read it so it's amazing that there are some of you out there who want to read this story.
Having said that I doubt I'll be able to update it as frequently as I have been with Redemption simply because I have to watch every episode sloooowly so that I can then write it. But I will try and be relatively quick – for you!
I own nothing, no Vampires, no Diaries, no Damon, no Elena, nothing. On with the show!

Friday Night Bites

"Tonight I think I'll walk alone
Find my soul as I go home"

Honestly. Throwing a pillow at me? Really? Mmm...But breakfast sure does smell good.

I compel her...not to be afraid, keep my secret...before dropping her off at practice. I wasn't expecting to see Elena and is that jealousy(!) I see flash through her eyes when Barbie says she 'got' the other brother.

No you didn't 'get' anything. You're fucking and feeding the better brother is what you really mean. I flash Elena a look to find that she's staring right back at me and wow does she look hot in those little shorts. She's still staring as I drive away but I don't go far. I HAVE to watch her. Fabulous. I'm turning into stalker Stefan.

Barbie has informed me that Elena is hosting a dinner party at her house tonight and I SO want to crash that. Kill a few birds with one stone. Invite to Elena's house. Rile up Stefan. Speak to Elena again. Revert the switch back to the fully OFF position. Sounds like a solid plan.

Step 1: Invite to Elena's house. Barbie tells me to come inside but that's not going to cut it here sweetpea. She better invite me in, I bought cake and everything. And done. Stef doesn't look to happy though – uh-oh!

Step 2: Get Elena alone. I follow her through to the kitchen with a glass she forgot to pick up and done. "I like you" I am surprised by the truth in that statement. She brings up Katherine herself and fairly soon we're moving into uncomfortable territory that I don't really want to talk about but somehow I just can't stop this.

I feel...ugh there's that pesky word again. I FEEL like I can't say no to this girl. "Complicated and selfish, and at times not very kind but very sexy and seductive" is my answer to her question about Katherine. Nut meet shell.

"Which one of you dated her first?" Am I that easy to read? Or is she just incredibly observant? My reply is a fraction bitter "ask Stefan, I'm sure his answer differs from mine" and now I need to get away from this conversation so I advise her to quit cheerleading, she looked utterly miserable earlier.

But then I'm shocked. I'm shocked and I'm fucked.

"I'm sorry...about Katherine. You lost her too"

Wow. Just fucking wow. Who is this girl? No one has ever told me that they are sorry about this extremely screwed up situation. I don't know how to handle this and fortunately I'm saved by Bonnie so I take the opportunity to get away from these EMOTIONS I don't want to think about.

I go back and take the opportunity to harass Stefan some more;

"I've been invited...and I'll do with your little...cheerleader...whatever I want to do...because that is what is NORMAL to me" am I trying to convince him, or myself? To prove my point I come back and place myself in Elena's dream, I'm so incredibly THRILLED I had the good sense to destroy all the vervain in this town.

She screams when Stefan's face morphs into mine which is not exactly the reaction I was hoping for. Then again I'm not sure what exactly I was hoping for.

I am determined to prove...something to myself. I'm not entirely sure what it is, that I can provoke my brother? That I don't FEEL? That I can hurt Elena if I want to? I don't know but after what happened last night in her house, something is different and I fucking hate it. So I seek her out before the game starts.

..."you're right, I do have other intentions, but so do you. I see 'em. You want me. I get to you. You find yourself drawn to me. You think about me even when you don't want to think about me. I bet you even dreamed about me. And right now...you want to kiss me."

I can read it in her eyes, see it in her face, hear it in the way her fragile little human heart speeds up and the way her eyes flicker to my lips, everything I've said is true. And then BAM! She slaps me across the face and I'm taken so off guard that it actually kinda hurt.

Well. Fuck. I was NOT expecting that. How did she break the compulsion? I told her she WANTED to kiss me and she did...but then she didn't. It takes another few seconds and then I catch a whiff of the vervain. Stefan. Fuck. Where did he get vervain?

She gets right up in my face and says "let's get one thing straight. I AM NOT Katherine" and then she's gone. Yeah well you got that right. You are most definitely not Katherine. I can still feel the sting from her slap reverberating around my face and I almost want to chase her down and make her do it again just to feel that fire once more but fuck that. I chase down Stefan and torment him instead; it seems to be what I'm best at these days.

I threaten Elena and seriously what is wrong with him? What is wrong with people? What is wrong with ME? He knows as well as I do that I won't hurt her..."deep down inside there is a part of you that feels for her" yeah. Maybe not that deep, brother.

He babbles on about my humanity for a while but I'm only half listening until he throws Katherine in my face. Really Stefan? Have you learnt nothing over the last few decades? Talking about Elena was bad enough but now Katherine as well? I tear open the throat of his football coach to make a point.

"Anyone. Anytime. Anyplace"

I'm choosing to ignore the voice in my head that says 'except Elena'. My humanity is gone. Isn't it? I wander the streets contemplating things for a while, unsure of what to do or where to go from here until eventually I decide to go to the one place where I feel any peace these days. Elena.

I'm sure my brother thinks there is no humanity in my now; all he sees when he looks at me is a monster. And I'd be inclined to agree most of the time. I am soul-less, darkness personified. There is no light, only power and strength and masochistic tendencies.

So why then; am I standing here in front of this sleeping girl, the girl with the face of an angel, this replica of Katherine unable to stop myself from reaching out and just touching her, just for a second feeling her skin against mine, to feel that fire that burns my entire body every single time. Her strong, human heartbeat soothes me.

I don't fucking know the answer to that question but no part of me wants to walk away from this. But I have to. So I do. I may be a monster, but I have a feeling my switch might be fucked. Still, there's no need for anyone else to see this. Let Saint Stefan believe what he wants, I am far from caring what HE thinks.

Dear Diary,
I told Stefan today that there is more to me than the gloomy graveyard girl and he said he looks forward to meeting her. I'm working on it, I promise. I decided to try cheerleading again. I hated it diary.

Damon showed up with Caroline! How'd that happen? "I got the other brother...hope you don't mind" she said. Is it wrong that I kind of DO? Of course it is Elena, don't be stupid. Why should I mind? I don't know...I feel...a tiny bit jealous. This is stupid.

I forced Bonnie to join Stefan and me for dinner hoping that I could change her mind about him but it was all very awkward until Damon arrived with Caroline unexpectedly. Stefan was very rude, he didn't seem to want me to let Damon inside but I invited him and Caroline in anyway.

Damon said that I don't seem like the cheerleading type and later he advised me to quit; telling me that I looked miserable and that it seems unrealistic that cheering could matter again. Am I really that easy to read? Or is he just incredibly observant?

I had a dream about Damon, well first it was Stefan. Then it was Damon. Why am I dreaming about him? It's crazy but it felt SO real. Anyway I've decided to take his advice, about cheerleading. I am a different person now and the sooner I accept that the sooner I can move on. Start over, like Stefan said.

Jeremy got into a fight with Tyler Lockwood of all people and Stefan...the glass cut his hand. I SAW it. I think I did. I mean there was blood...and the bottle. I just...I guess my mind is playing tricks on me. I don't know but I can't help feeling that he's hiding something from me.

I slapped Damon across the face tonight but the truth is diary that he was right. Even if it was just for a second, for the tiniest flicker of a moment (which it WAS) he was right. He has gotten to me, not that I have ANY intention of doing anything about it. I'm with Stefan and I care very much about Stefan and Damon seems...dangerous. I'm not afraid of him, I don't think he would hurt me but he does seem dangerous.

But I can't deny that I do find myself drawn to him, I do think about him, I DID have a dream about him and for a second tonight I did want to kiss him. I feel so ashamed, I was so ashamed with myself that I slapped him because I knew if he tried I would have let him so I just HAD to stop it.

Hitting him seemed like the easiest way to make it stop. I think I just lost all my senses for a moment, I was captivated by the never-ending depths of crystal blue in his eyes for the briefest of moments, but I needed to stop it.

I am NOT Katherine. I will never be who she was.
ELENA

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