A/N: Welcome to Season 2! I know a lot of us really don't like this episode but as far as thought processes go The Return was by far my favourite episode to write thus far simply because of writing from Damon's POV. So I sincerely hope you at least like this version – it's also very long! Be sure to hit that little button and let me know! I own no vampires, super sad. I do own a diary. Don't think that counts for much though!
The Return
"I know the truth now; I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore
It never was and never will be
You're not real and you can't save me
Somehow now you're everybody's fool"
I get to the hospital and after talking to Liz I've found Elena. She's upset about Caroline – she's asking Bonnie to help her but she can't – "yeah well I can take down a vampire" – God is she going to hold a grudge forever? I bit her one time and I wasn't even trying to kill her. "I can give Caroline some blood" – "No. No way" – "No just enough to heal her" – she's in a hospital, what's the worst that could happen?
"I know this is probably the last thing you wanna do right now but we should talk about what happened tonight" I say to Elena when Bonnie walks off. "Yeah – one of the tomb vampires got into the house and almost killed John" – huh? What do you mean 'almost'? When? After I left?
"You were there?" – Oh come on Elena you know I was there. "When were you at the house?" Huh? I think my brain is...not functioning. Why is she...?
"Really? Earlier on the porch, we were talking...cathartic feelings exposed" do I really have to spell this out? What's wrong with her? "Come on we kissed Elena" – "Okay I don't have time for this Damon" Huh? What? No. Just no – "Hey if you wanna pretend like it didn't happen then fine –but I can't" oh for god's sake Jenna, that's twice now. Why is Elena being like this? I move away and tune out their conversation for a minute. I am...so confused.
"I told you earlier" – "no you didn't" – "yes I did" – Huh? What's...? "No Jenna you didn't" – "Oh...Hmm– you've gotta be kidding me" No. No. Please. No. She didn't. Jenna didn't tell Elena. Why me? Why, why, why me?
She wasn't pretending we didn't kiss because we didn't kiss. I didn't kiss Elena. That fucking bitch I'm going to kill her. Katherine. I go to tell Elena and then remember Jenna's there so that's going to have to...wait. I need to get to Elena's house. Now. And dammit all to hell because Jenna invited her into the house; I knew there was something off with that kiss. It wasn't right. That fire and passion...it wasn't there. Jesus I should have known.
Elena and I get back to the house and Stefan's on the ground – "Stefan! What happened?" she cries: oh allow me fill you in "Katherine happened."
"She said she fooled one of us at least...what does that mean?" – oh dear...um..."She pretended to be Elena too when I showed up earlier tonight." Yep. That's what happened, nothing to see here. Move along please.
Oh good saved by Elena. "No I'm not all right – Katherine was in this house that means she's been invited in. What are we gonna do?"- "Move" – seems like as good an option as any really.
"Very helpful" – Oh I'm sorry Elena that my psychotic bitch of an ex stormed back into town and blew my fucking brain into a million itty bitty pieces.
"What happened tonight when you thought she was Elena?" Oh dear are we back to that? I'm going to have to tell him, I don't have a choice. Elena knows anyway and she'll squeal even if I don't.
"To risk another...frown line encroaching on a very crowded forehead...we kissed" – "and you thought it was me?" – Um...didn't we already do that part? "What do you mean you kissed?" Why are they asking stupid questions? Do I actually have to explain the dynamics of...kissing? What do they do? Don't answer that.
Stefan tries to come at me – oh Stefan – "Don't be obvious Stefan" – it wasn't even Elena anyway! Okay I tried to kiss his girlfriend, I kissed his girlfriend...never mind that train of thought is just confusing.
"He kissed Katherine. Not me. I wouldn't do that" what does that mean? "We don't have time for this guys" she goes on – "Later" – oh you are so on baby bro. I am itching for a good fight right now.
God I need to go. I need to get out of this house and away from...Elena so I can try and begin to make sense of what happened tonight.
"I'm just gonna ignore the bitch. See ya" – "Is that smart?" – "If Katherine thinks she's being ignored it'll lure her out. She'll make a move" – Now can I go? Please?
"Yeah" okayapparently not "then what?" – "Stake her. Rip her head off. Something poetic – we'll see" and now I'm leaving. Goodbye.
I stop by the hospital and give Barbie my blood – my head is reeling, so messed up. Sleep. Sleep will help.
Sleep didn't help. Much. Time for Mayor Lockwood's memorial service. I really need to find out why he was down in that basement. There is a new Lockwood in town; Mason. The Mayors younger brother – "He's nothing like John" – Liz tells me. Well thank the lord for small mercies.
The baby witch finds me – "Did you know the Gilbert device affected Tyler Lockwood?" – Um...yep. "Don't you wanna know why?" Um...yep. Seriously what's with all the stupid questions recently?
She's going on and on "You live to see another day" andI do not have time for judgy – "no good deed goes unpunished with you does it?" - "Doesn't undo the bad" – seriously when's the last time I did something bad?
"One wrong move and I'm gonna take you out" – Wow. She's a little...up herself isn't she? And ouch! Fuck that hurts. Really hurts...it's like she's burning my brain. What did I do to deserve that? Is this what trying to do good gets you? Because so far...not really working out in my favour.
Elena's here. At least...I hope it's Elena. Yep it's Elena.
"Hey how're you doing?" – "Great Elena walkin' on sunshine" – comin' up roses. "Thanks for asking" – "We should be able to talk about this" – Why? I don't wanna talk about it. "We're close enough now. I really wanna know how you're doing" – Okay fine, if you insist Elena.
"I kissed you – thought you kissed me back. Doppelganger hijinks ensued. How do you think I'm doing?" – "I think you're hurt" – No! You don't say Elena – "Mmm no. I don't get hurt Elena" – "No you don't admit that you get hurt. You get angry and cover it up and then you do something stupid."
Hello. Have you met me? I'm Damon Salvatore - Elena Gilbert's open book. And now I get it.
"You're scared. You think Katherine's gonna send me off the deep end don't you – I don't need her for that" – Nope. I've got you. The girl who 'wouldn't kiss me back' and now I've had that thought I have to ask. I know I shouldn't but I am nothing if not a masochist so I have to ask.
"You know why...why is it such a surprise that I would kiss you?" – "That's not a surprise" – Great, well good to know, glad we cleared that up. Oh wait there's more. "I'm surprised that you thought I would kiss you back" – oh. Hmmm...um...ouch. That...hurts.
"Now I'm hurt" – Really? After everything? That's what she meant? I thought she meant she wouldn't kiss me cause of ya know, Stefan and all...not that she just...wouldn't kiss me. But...no. Just. No. I don't believe that. I don't believe her. However before I have time to confront her about it we're alerted to the fantastic news that Katherine has attacked Stefan.
"We got a crazy ex on the loose. Better watch out looks like Katherine's trying to steal your guy" – which...odd considering I'm kinda trying to steal his girl.
"I mean it's only fair since I went after your girl" not that I'm having much success. Doubt Katherine will either. Elena leaves us to sort out our brotherly differences.
"I'm not gonna fight you" – "Why? I'd fight me" – hell I want to fight me right now. I wanna fight something anyway.
"I kissed Elena" – sort of...kinda – "Because you feel something for her. Because you actually care" – do I really need to be constantly reminded of that? I'm well aware of how I feel. "And I'm not gonna let Katherine come in here and destroy the part of you that is finally, after all this time willing to feel something – she'll try to break you, she'll try to break us and how we respond to that will define us" – he's good with the speeches my baby bro isn't he? At least this one was more sincere. And he's mostly right
Well. I need to go...drink until I'm drunk.
Katherine.
You have got to be kidding me. "Very brave of you to come here" What does she want with me? Why is she here? Note to self: find a human for the house so unwelcome vampires can't get in.
I try to walk away but um...vampire speed. Right. Probably not going to be getting out of this one then.
"What no goodbye kiss?" – "Why don't I kill you instead" Oh if only I could.
"Come on. Kiss me or kill me. Which will it be Damon? We both know you're only capable of one" – god leave me alone!
Or. Not.
Ouch. Bitch. Still having her on top of me. Me being on top of her; I remember this dance. I know it well. But I'm so angry at her and that's mostly what this is. That fire that I have with Elena nope there's not even a spark of that with Katherine.
Still I offer Katherine eternity, this beauty of eternity, a chance to go back; to erase the last 145 years of my existence, to return to the world where our love was fireworks and rockets if she will just once, for once, be honest with me. I just need to know the truth.
I don't exactly mean it. I will never be able to forget that she wasn't in the tomb, that she didn't bother to find me. That I existed for 145 years with this burning obsession, this one purpose of saving her; let's face it the bitch ruined my life.
But if she loves me then I will somehow be able to look past that. If she loves me then I will be able overcome the fact that kissing her does not set me on fire, that I do not love her in the same way. I no longer know if I ever did love her because what I feel now; for someone else is so much more consuming.
But that is a road I need not travel. I have been there before, my brother's girl – not mine.
So if Katherine loves me then I will take that and I will live with that. In a part of me I know, even before she says it I know the truth.
"I've never loved you. It was always Stefan."
Alcohol. Now. I need to drown in alcohol. Knowing the truth does not make it hurt any less. It's like being stabbed in the back with a vervain coated wooden stake. Of course it was always Stefan. Why wouldn't it be? I mean he's just so fucking perfect isn't he?
Everybody loves Stefan. Nobody loves Damon. I am inherently unlovable, clearly. There is never anyone for me.
God I am so fucking drunk and let me tell you after 145 years that's a hard thing to do, particularly for a vampire. But I'm so fucking drunk and I just desperately need someone to tell me that they love me...or even just admit that there is fucking something there, something between us, that I am not the only one who feels as if the connection burning between us could light cities on fire.
And that's how I got to Elena's house. I know I probably shouldn't be here but I can't help myself. I just need her to tell me the truth. I need someone in this godforsaken night to tell me the fucking truth.
"You're surprised that I thought you'd kiss me back? You can't imagine that I'd believe that you'd want to? That what we've been doing here means something? You're the liar Elena. There is something going on between the two of us and you know it"
I see the truth in her eyes, I see the conflict and this is why I didn't believe her earlier. Because I might be her open book but she is mine and I can read her just as easily. I see the desire that comes off of her in shades fighting with her mind; fighting with her heart.
"You're lying to me, and you're lying to Stefan and most of all you're lying to yourself and I can prove it" – I kiss her and this is wrong I know it's wrong but it's there. The fire. Like I knew it would be. And I could probably live with that. Even if she won't admit it right now, I could probably live with knowing that she knows the truth somewhere inside and maybe she's just not ready to face it yet.
"Damon I care about you. Listen to me I care about you. I do. But I love Stefan. It's always gonna be Stefan"
She didn't.
Tell me she didn't. Oh my god. It's like déjà-vu. Almost identical words coming from an identical face in the space of 2 fucking hours.
This is not pain. This is not being stabbed in the back. This is not pain. This is more. This is everything and I feel like I'm going to collapse under the weight of it. This is being stabbed in the heart with a vervain coated wooden stake...a hundred times over and all I know, all I feel is that I need to fucking hurt her.
Enter Jeremy Gilbert. Kid wants to be a vampire. I can help with that. "All you have to do is flip the switch and snap" and he's dead.
"Damon noooo" What have I done?
Oh. My. God. What have I done? What did I do? I just...oh god I needed to make her feel an ounce of my pain and I did. By killing her fucking brother. What the fuck have I done? And now it's too late and I can't take it back.
I've killed her brother and I've just destroyed everything and irrationally I feel like it's all fucking Stefan's fault. But really it's me. It's mine, it's always me.
I am a colossal fuck up. I deserve nothing good. I have killed her brother. I have lost her. There is no coming back from this. I will never be able to repair this and there is nothing in this world for me without her.
I can't flip the switch because my switch is fucked. She did that to me; it is her fault. But it is all mine. Katherine doesn't want me, never loved me. Stefan wants me gone, he might not say it anymore but when he finds out about this he will ensure that I leave.
I have lost Elena. Killed her brother. There is nothing for me anymore. There never really was.
I'm finally home although I don't know how I got here. I grab my oldest and best bourbon that I've been saving for a special occasion; does one's own death count as a special occasion?
There is no reason for my existence; all I do is cause misery. All I know is hurt and how to hurt people. Fuck. My. Life.
Stefan has come home. I am surrounded by nothingness, I don't know how long I've been sitting here but the fire has gone out and my glass has crashed and broken into a million little pieces which is funny because that's how I feel about my heart and I'm slumped in a heap on the rug.
Why is he not hitting me? Killing me? It'd be easy enough for him to do right now and this time I won't even try to stop him.
Please Stefan make it stop. Make this pain end. Please Stefan. And then he does. But not by killing me. No.
My brother says 5 words that make me sober up to fuck.
He. Was. Wearing. The. Ring.
And then he punches me in the face. But that's okay.
Jeremy fucking Gilbert – I feel like I could cry. I think I actually might be crying. He was wearing the fucking ring. Stefan is talking but I am not listening. Her brother is alive.
I have not killed him. Well I have but he came back. Christ. I've never felt such...too many emotions. I don't know how to handle this. But maybe, just maybe I can find a way to come back from this after all.
Her brother is alive and I will spend the rest of fucking forever making this up to her. I will do whatever she needs me to; I will stop at nothing to come back from this.
Or I will die trying.
Dear Diary,
I don't even...wow...so much has happened and I don't even know where to start. Katherine came back to town. She got into my house by pretending to kiss Damon and Jenna invited her inside. She tried to kill John. Jeremy drank Anna's blood and overdosed on pills trying to become a vampire. He's fine though. Caroline is in the hospital and Damon healed her with his blood.
Damon turned up tonight in my room. I shouldn't have said what I said to him earlier about being surprised he thought I would kiss him back. I knew it was wrong at the time, I just didn't think. And then he came by tonight, he was really drunk and upset...not good.
"You're surprised that I thought I would kiss you back? You can't imagine that I believe you would want to? That what we've been doing here means something?" but before I even had time to process he was kissing me and he wouldn't stop and I couldn't think and I didn't know what to do because I'm not that girl.
Even if what he said was the truth I wouldn't have kissed him because I would never do that to Stefan. I am not Katherine. I'm not going to play them off of each other. So I said the words that I know I'm going to regret forever but I just had to get him to stop kissing me.
I said that I care about him, but I love Stefan which is true. But then I had to go and add 'it's always gonna be Stefan' and I regretted it instantly. God he looked so...broken. It broke my heart. And then...something changed in him he just turned to...anger. Anger personified.
And then he killed Jeremy. He snapped his neck. Jeremy was wearing the ring. He's okay.
How could Damon do that to me? I hate him diary, I'm so angry and I was filled with this burning, liquid, hatred that I'd never felt before and it was horrible. Damon didn't know he was wearing the ring. He tried to kill my brother. I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. I'm just...broken. I told Stefan that I hated him, Damon that is. I think I just need some...Damon free time for a while. Maybe a long while.
I feel like my heart has shattered into a million pieces tonight. How could he do that to me? I know I hurt him but I can't give him what he wants. I know it's true. I know there's something between us. Or at least there was.
Before he killed my brother and I just can't...deal with this.
Oh and Katherine attacked Stefan. Which is just...more problems. Apparently she wants him back. Right this second I feel like she could take them both for all I care.
I don't really mean that. Stupid bitch can't have either of them. She doesn't deserve them. God I'm so angry. Not even just at Damon – I'm just angry at everything right now. This is too much for one 17 year old girl to handle. I shouldn't have to handle all of this. And what's tomorrow going to bring? I can't help but feel that now Katherine's back it's only going to get worse.
Elena