Everything was so unclear to me. I felt like I was being played by three people. I felt like both Quinn and Brittany were still being fake when it came to being my friend, it also felt like Rachel was still hiding something from me. When I talked to Quinn on the phone on Friday, she said her and Brittany wanted to come hang out with me but then when we went out from Domino's, Quinn was there - alone. Does that mean her and Brittany were together while I got the phone call and they pulled a little acting scenario to make it look like Brittany lived there just so Quinn could stalk me, or, was Quinn really telling the truth?

For months I had been thinking that maybe I started to feel better here, maybe I didn't miss my friends anymore. Bullshit. After what happened on Friday, I miss home even more. Just when I thought Quinn started to be nicer, she starts threatening me. Really, it's not like I would say anything, I wouldn't tell everyone that she told me she likes me, something I now started to overthink and I seriously think she was messing with me. On the other hand though, if she really was messing, she wouldn't be so scared of me telling people. So I thought again and figured that she had to be serious about it. Quinn didn't text me since Friday either. Five days had gone, for me, it was much because I was used to getting at least one text from Quinn every day. I thought about texting her once but then I just stopped. I needed to get her out of my life, not invite her in. I was tired of the constant emotions of mixed signals. I mean, she wants to be my friend (at least that's what she says) but she still acts like a total bitch. Obviously, I can act like I total bitch too. It's not a big deal for me, I just didn't want to anymore. Not with Quinn, too much energy, too much power and thoughts were spent on her. I had enough and this time I meant it, I wouldn't say a word to her, I made my desicion. Even if she spoke to me, I would just walk by her or turn my face.

"Rachel, I'm so sorry she's like that. It's going to be okay.." I stroked her back with my hand, I held her head against my chest as she kept crying and crying.

I had been walking across Quinn talking to Rachel in the library, I was looking for Tina and she used to hide right were Quinn and Rachel were talking. It was in the empty corner of the library, no one used to go there. There was never even much people inside our school library, most people didn't prefer being in there. It smelled like old books and dust. I hid behind one of the book shells and tried to listen to them but I couldn't hear much. All I noticed was that Quinn sounded really angry. I wanted to walk closer just to hear them but I didn't want to risk being seen by Quinn. Then when Quinn left, I could hear Rachel crying and I couldn't just stand there watching her.

"I-I.."

"It's okay, it's okay" I held her closer.

"I didn't do anything.." the sound of her voice got even softer because she was crying "she just pulled me in here and to-" her voice cracked "she told me to stop looking so sad all the time, she said I was being selfish.. I don't know why she's being like that."

"Don't cry, Rachel. I know this is hard for you, she's tough to deal with.. I'm here for you, all your friends are here for you. I promise, me, Tina and Mercedes are going to help you get better." I said, Rachel pulled away from my chest and dryed her eyes with her sleeves. Some of the mascara that had been running down her eyes was still there.

"Thank you, Santana. You're such a nice person.. When you want to be" she forced out a laugh. "I didn't get angry with you when I found out it was Quinn who texted and called - I was just really devastated. That's why I ran away, I couldn't stay with you guys because I knew a mental breakdown was coming my way." Rachel sighed loudly and sat down with her back straight. "I was so sad about the fact that it was her because it showed that she was being unfaithful to me. Everything just piled up inside me, that was the last drop.. You know? I couldn't hold everything in. And now, she did this in school.. I didn't mean to cry like this. I'm a mess.." she smiled out of awkwardness.

"Don't worry about it." I smiled. "Let's put everything behind us, both you and I are going to ignore Quinn from now on, deal? No more tears, Berry" I encouraged her.

"Deal" she smiled. Before I even reacted, she hugged me again, a very strong hug. "I'm really happy to have you as a friend" she said softly.

"No problem." I smiled, I patted her back to give her a signal that the hug moment was over. She didn't stop.

Another five seconds pasted and her hug only got tighter. At last, I felt her slowly backing off but her hand was still rested on my shoulder. A coy smile started to show on her lips and her eyes suddenly lost the sad look and they got another sort of watery, they were sort of lightened, she started to look really relaxed. I looked at her and started to get the feeling something bad was going to happen anytime soon. Rachel grasped my hand and pulled me closer to her, I didn't understand what she was doing yet so I was just staring into her eyes. When Rachel started leaning her face closer to mine, I figured out what was going on. I was just too freezed to move or react yet. Then, slowly, she pressed her lips against mine. I saw her shut her eyes as I widened mine and furrowed my eyebrows.

"What the hell!," I shouted and jerked off my chair and her hold "what are you doing? Are you out of your mind, Berry?" I said and backed off her another step, she just sat there, looking very flabbergasted. I quickly, nearly jogged, out of the library.

I couldn't catch a break. For one hour during cheerleading practice, the coach was pushing all my buttons. She was too hard on me, I wasn't the only one who noticed it. She made me work ten times harder than the other ones. Today was the last day I wanted to do that. I was still shaken up about Rachel's move. It was still a shock for me that she kissed me. I was in a way very disgusted by it. I never even thought about kissing Rachel and when she did it I got shocked and my reaction was maybe a bit childish, but I had no other way of expressing that I didn't like the move she pulled. However, practice was over and I went in to the locker room. All the girls were in there except Quinn and Brittany, I guessed they were still out there kissing the coach's ass like they always did. I couldn't wait until I got come to shower today, I was even sweatier than the last time and I couldn't skip a shower if I wanted to make it the rest of the day. It was Wednesday so we had practice before lunch. That means I have a couple more lessons after practice. I waited until all the girls finished and left, around fifteen minutes of waiting, they were all gone. All I waited for now was Quinn and Brittany to show up so I could be sure they wouldn't walk in on me showering. So I waited for another fifteen minutes to see if they would show up. They didn't. If they didn't show up to the locker room thirty minutes after practice was over, it meant they were planning on skipping it.

I undressed and carefully put my clothes in the locker and locked it. I took my shampoo and towel with me. I dropped the towel and just like that, I was naked for the first time in this stupid locker room. It was time I got used to it, I couldn't skip showers here for two more years.. It was just too nasty. I turned the hot water on and enjoyed the drops lightly hitting my skin. I allowed the hot water to sooth my aching muscles, the steam from the shower started to fill up the whole place. It got "foggy". Just as I started to put shampoo in my hair, I thought I heard something. I turned the water off and stopped everything for a second. Everything was quiet, I had probably imagined it. I added more shampoo to my hair and then started to grease the rest of my body in shampoo as well. Once again, I heard something. This time I ignored it and told myself to get my shit together and stop being so paranoid. The irressistable water was warmly raining onto my skin. The shampoo made it silky.

"Knock knock.." I heard. I turned my back and my heart dropped.

She was standing in front me with her unsullied body as naked as mine was. Her blonde hair was fallen on her shoulders and the rest flowed down her back, Her light green eyes punctured mine as they traveled up and down, scanning my body several times. I could barely move. I didn't know what to do. I had never experienced anything like this. No matter how hard it is to believe, Rachel was the first girl who ever kissed me. I couldn't keep calm as I stood there, as I was fully still, the water was still running over my hair, body and face. I could feel the shampoo suds run down my spine. She took another step closer to me, this time, I got scared. I tried to move but I couldn't, my body didn't function. She stood in front of me now, she stood there looking deeply into my eyes, as I did with her, but probably not with the same intention she had. She placed a strand of my hair behind my ear and touched my wet face softly. She stood under the water with me, her body almost pressed against mine.

"I-.. I'm.." I tried to speak but instead of finishing my sentence, I finally found the courage to move and I tried to sneak away, I didn't manage. She pulled me back by my wrist faster than I thought she would. I had never in my whole life felt my heart beat like this. I was nervous.

"Calm down.." she started to gently rub my arm, I could feel the shivers spreading from her touch to the rest of my body.

I didn't know what got into me, I was never like this. I would without doubt beat the living shit of anyone else who did this to me. This was just my body reacting to Quinn, I now learned that Quinn did scare me, even though I didn't want to admit it. Not even to myself. One step closer and her chest pressed against mine. I tried to pull back, it only made things worst, she had full control over me now. I was pushed against the wall, and I was pushed against it by myself. I was on the edge to freaking out and slapping her and running away from there.. I just didn't get through it, I waited for something, I didn't know what. Her hand started to move higher, she brushed her thumb against my watery lips and a smile formed her lips into a half moon looking form. A strand of her wet hair was hanging over her eye.

"Santana, do you know why you're still here?" she whispered. I didn't say anything. "It's because you want this to happen" she continued. I was still, not a word left my mouth.

"Please.. stop" I begged, it was the only words I succeeded to let out.

Her face was only some inches away from mine and the warmth of her breath mixed with the hot steam in the shower made it feel like I was standing in the middle of a fire. Her hands cupped my face. A rush of heat started in my chest, it quickly spread throughout my entire body. My plans on ignoring her were thrown out the window at that moment because I didn't think I'd have to face her like this, ever.

"I can't think of anyone else I'd rather be here with" she whispered into my ear again. I still couldn't believe what was happening.

I could feel Quinn's eyes watching me carefully, from the slight twitch of my lips to the way my shoulders rose and fell as I took a deep breath. She leaned forward very slowly, her hand was brushing more hair out of my face and before I blinked, her lips were on mine. They felt soft and smooth. I hated myself the moment I got kissed by Quinn because I didn't stop. I didn't stop her and I kissed her back for some dumb reason - I think the dumb reason I did kiss her back was because I was afraid of finding out what would happen if I didn't do it. She started moving her lips in circles and I felt a big pile of emotions - I don't know what kind of emotions - swelling in my chest. I didn't know what I felt, I didn't know if it was tingles of fear. There is no word that could describe the feeling. Her breathing was light and silent in my ear as she pulled away from the kiss. She moved her lips to my throat, she began giving me light kisses from my throat to my collarbones. Suddenly, she moved her lips up to my throat again and formed a 'O' with her lips, she pressed them firmly onto my skin without leaving any gasps for the air to escape. I felt her sucking my skin and she did it rougher for every second that passed. I stopped her by slowly backing away. I was secretly hoping she didn't give me a hickey. Her hand was slowly moving lower and lower down my body from where it was first, by my shoulders. She kept leading her hand lower until it reached the core of my body. I felt her fingers slowly feeling me up and that stopped me from seeing colors for a while. I jerked away from her feel and I pressed on the button behind me that would stop the water from running. It felt like I was shaking. My heart was beating really fast, pumping blood in my veins as I started moving my legs to the side so I wouldn't stand in front of her. Just then did it hit me that I was fully undressed. In front of Quinn. Just that moment did react to the fact that I had been used, and like the stupid idiot I was, I didn't do anything about it. I let Quinn use my body, I allowed her to nearly take away the last piece of innocence left of me. I ran out of the shower, grabbed my towel that was hanging on one of the hooks outside the shower and locked myself into the bathroom. I stared into the mirror and spotted a hickey slowly appearing on my throat. It felt like someone knocked the breath out of me. It felt like my heart was skipping way too many beats.

"Santana? What's happening?" I heard along with a knock on the door. I didn't say anything. "I thought you wanted it, otherwise you'd leave right away, right?" she sounded both confused and disappointed. After some moments, she knocked again "Santana, say something.. Don't be such a dork. You begged for this". After that, she gave up and left me alone.

When I got home, I couldn't even fake a smile. It was beyond impossible - I couldn't. My parents tried to speak to me, they asked me what happened, luckily, they didn't see the hickey on my throat. I just said I was okay, that I had a hard day in school, too much stress, I said practice was a pain in the ass, I told them I needed to study. Not all of it was lies, but the main concept for the question 'why do you look so sad?' wasn't in any of the reasons I gave.

I sat on the edge of my bed with my hands resting beside me on each corner of my thighs. I tried to find something in me that would be happy about what happened - I couldn't. I couldn't find anything that made me feel good about it. I was fooling myself from the start to even think that I ever would like what I'd been through. First, Rachel's sudden kiss, and then Quinn abusing me like that. It was too much to handle. Too much for one day. What I felt most of all was confusion.. It was hard for me to understand how Quinn could sink to that level of violation, how I let her do it. It still surprised me that Quinn is walking around somewhere, it surprised me that she wasn't sent to the hospital with a broken nose. I was still shaken up and I saw the whole scene replaying in my head every time I closed my eyes. It quickly replaced the image of Brittany smiling at me that used to replay in my mind when I shut my eyes. I heard her voice saying "You begged for it". I didn't give her any signs what so ever that said I wanted her to touch me like she did. I felt like every piece of happiness was sucked out of my body and soul.

"Santana? Let me speak to you honey.." I heard my mother. I stood up and walked over to the door before she opened it. "What happened, I can tell something is wrong? We're really worried." she said.

"It's okay mom, really" I tried to smile but failed "I just need some rest. Too much stress ruins you, you know?" I tried to sound sassy, I failed with that as well.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, mom. I'm sure.. Let me rest? Please?" it felt like I was blinking too many times. My mom just nodded at me and left.

I laid down on my bed this time instead of sitting. I looked up at the roof and it felt like every single color in my room was being washed away like paint does when you brush a wet sponge against it. I felt numb, empty, the feeling of nothingness started to creep inside me. I started feeling like I was getting void of all positive emotion. I let the eyelids that started to feel like heavy rocks cover my eyes. I hoped that when I got some rest and eventually went to sleep, I would feel better. I hoped that tomorrow, all of these feelings would be gone.