One month ago, I went through hell. Everything I thought was hell before - wasn't. I went through hell for real. I know, some people might think "get over it" and stuff like that. Honestly, I was working on it. Also, I would lie if I said that the only reason I was depressed was because what Quinn did, what she did was only a small piece of the millions of reasons to why I was feeling like depressed. I know Quinn obviously has problems with.. Obsession when it comes to people. I think that's it. I recalled the other time she touched me in a similar way and that was when she lied to me about putting that note in my locker. I would help her, I wanted to help her, it feels like she needs someone to actually care and just ask her what she gets out of doing what she does to people. It's not easy though, not now. I'm still not okay with what happened. I'm afraid that if I get the chance to speak to her - I'll snap. Another thing that made me feel blue was that it sucked to have all these feelings inside, for someone, and you can't let the person in because you're so damn scared of how it might turn out. However, many things changed during just one month. I stopped talking to Rachel, seriously, the girl was too messed up. After the kiss, we only spoke once and even then she was acting really weird. I am like this, if I give you a no sign and you can't accept that I don't want you - I will avoid you. I still hung out around Rachel when I had to, for example when we were with Tina.. But I never sat next to her or spoke to her, and it was only in school. Me and Mercedes didn't go with them whenever Rachel was with Tina. She felt pretty bad about it sometimes but it was still her desicion, I didn't tell her to stop hanging out with Rachel, she chose it for herself after I told her that Rachel and I didn't speak. I didn't tell her why though. The thing that happened with Quinn, there was only one person who knew about it. Not Mercedes, not Tina, not Rachel. The only one who knew about it was Brittany. It wasn't my intention to tell her about it. It all began when I was waiting for practice to start - I had been sitting there for ten minutes without any of the girls or the coach showing up. Then out of nowhere, Brittany showed up with the same confusion I had. This was on the Friday the same week Quinn abused me, so I was still really messed up. When I saw Brittany, I instantly stood up and felt the nervousness take over my body. I mean, it was only natural, I didn't know her so well, all I knew was that she was friends with Quinn. How would I know, maybe they had the same personality? I just got really paranoid and didn't want to be around her alone. She asked me how long I had been waiting outside practice and I could barely answer her without feeling my lips shake. She noticed something was wrong with me. Brittany approached me and asked me what the problem was, I just backed away from her. I didn't notice how weird I was acting until I reached the wall and couldn't take any more steps back. So I sat down on the bench. I looked at her, I gave her a sign that she could sit down beside me. At first, of course, I didn't plan on telling her, it just slipped out in the middle of our conversation on the topic of 'How is Santana doing' which was pretty much what all my friends and family were bugging me about for the past weeks. Nevertheless, I started with the same excuses as always: stress, stress and more stress. She just looked at me, she told me she knew I was lying to her and that she wanted me to know that I could trust her, that she wasn't anything like Quinn. That's when I spoiled it, it felt like it was a opening for me and even though it had only gone one whole day of me shutting up about it, I couldn't keep it in anymore. It was kicking my insides, begging me to release the sentence 'Quinn sexually abused me'. Since that day, me and Brittany reached the phase you're in when you're becoming friends with a person, we came closer to each other by everyday that passed. My relationship with Quinn, whatever the hell our connection was, was over the same day it happened. She didn't talk to me after she noticed how my depression got worse by the days, neither did I speak to her. And neither did I plan on doing so.

I wasn't fully recovered from my depression, of course. Things like that don't happen in a month, it takes time. And it's harder to recover from it because depression wasn't something new for me. I first had it when I had difficulties coming out as a lesbian to my family and my friends. I lost my relationship with my grandma because of it. She was my rock, but that's the past. However, when I came out after I turned fifteen, it slowly started to disappear, the freedom of being able to be and love myself made it easier for me to be happy. I mean, it was gone for the moment, but never was I fully recovered.. It's just something that's always there. Sometimes I notice it a lot, and for months I don't even remember it's an issue I have. But after all the confusion and mind games I've been through here, it came back. And as I said before, it wasn't only because of Quinn. There were other things bugging me, inside my head, and I couldn't control the voices in there anymore.

I took two deep breaths and walked into the locker room for the first time in a month. I took my things out of the locker, deo, three towels and my hairbrush. I looked around and everyone seemed to mind their own business. I walked into the toilet and took my outfit off, I began undressing and I put some water on the towel along with some shampoo. The foam started to show and I began to rub it against my skin until I felt like it was enough. It stinged a little on my thighs, the cuts were still sore from last night. This was the only way I could "shower" in school for a long while. I didn't want people to know what I did to myself. And I wasn't comfortable at all either with being around her. When I was done cleaning myself, I took another towel and made that one wet as well - without shampoo - and I started "washing" the shampoo of myself. And finally, the dry towel and dried myself with it. This had to be enough for until I got home and took a real shower. I put my clothes back on, clean underwear and the cheerleading outfit. I took the gym clothes and wirled them into a ball and put them on the toilet seat. I picked up the brush, brushed my hair and then tied it back up in a ponytail. I took the hairbrush, my clothes, the towels and unlocked the door and walked out. I walked to my locker without even looking around. I put the dirty clothes into my bag and the towels in the laundry basket. I put all my stuff in the bag, the bottle, the brush - everything and closed the locker. I turned around and jumped up a little bit.

"Did I scare you?" she laughed.

"Damn it, Brittany," I breathed loudly "you scared the living shit out of me!" I started laughing along with her.

"Sorry.. I couldn't help but noticing you changed in the bathroom?" she asked.

"Yeah, I did." I said and turned away again just to swallow a big lump in my throat without her noticing. I pretended I was fixing stuff in my bag.

"Oh.. Well, sometimes, at home I like to shower in the toilet sink as well. I bring my cat with me."

"That sounds.. Fun" I said as I tried to hold myself from laughing, I failed and burst into laughter.

"I'm glad I made you laugh, but it's true" she smiled.

"Brittany, I don't shower in the sink!" I kept laughing. I hadn't laughed like this for a long, long time.

"What then, didn't you shower?" she asked with a smile glued on her small lips.

"It was more like I washed myself" I answered and sat down to put my shoes on. I heard noices from inside the shower, some girls were still in there. I saw clothes thrown here and there.

"My cat usually washes himself by licking his furr, why don't you do that?" she said, she sounded too serious for me to laugh at this time. I looked at her and waited a while to see if she would smile, that would mean she wasn't serious. After some seconds, a smile appeared on her lips. I let out a small laugh.

"What's your cats name?" I asked when I finished tying my shoelaces.

"His name is Lord Tubbington" she smiled, sounding excited about the fact that I cared enough to ask. "Hey, I just thought about it and I don't have your number" she babbled, she still sounded excited. She handed her phone over to me so I could type my number in.

"That's a really sweet name" I said and stood up. A smile that made my teeth visible showed on my face. "Here's my number," I grabbed the phone and wrote it down "there you go."

"Thank you. I'll give you a text so you can save my number through that. Okay?" she thanked and stood up as well. "We've got Spanish class together soon, right?" Brittany asked.

"Yeah, you do. I hope you're not planning on ditching me for her in class, Brittany?" Quinn walked out of the shower.

"That's not what I was saying" Brittany sounded annoyed.

"What are you staring at, Lopez?" she asked and the same disgusting grin as always grew on her face. She stood there with a towel wirled around her naked body and the blonde wet hair was hanging.

I quickly grabbed my bag and faster than the speed of light, I was out of the locker room.

****

"Hey girl, what are you sitting here alone for?" Mercedes asked.

"My phone is dead so I couldn't text you." I asnwered.

"Oh that sucks.. So, you wanna do something today?"

"I really don't feel like going out.." I said.

"Santana.. Come on, you haven't gone out in weeks, not even Fridays. You're the one who always drags me out on Fridays!" she joked and punched me softly on the arm.

"I know, I just have a lot to catch up on. Sorry" I lied. I had almost nothing to do.

"I can tell when someone is lying to me."

"That's my specialty, don't take it away from me" I sarcastically joked and forced out a smile.

"You won't tell me about what's going on with you right? Remember I was there for you even from the start, when you barely wanted to talk to me," she looked at me "I'm not trying to make you say anything you don't want to say, I just ask for you, as a friend, to stop lying to me." Mercedes crossed her arms but her face didn't look angry, she just waited for me to speak.

"I'm really sorry for lying. Things have happened-"

"What happened between you and Rachel again? You had just gotten friends and then I hear you don't talk again. I know you don't want to tell me.. But still" Mercedes cut me off.

"It's really complicated, if she's willing to tell you, fine. Let her. I won't say anything she wouldn't want people to know, alright?" I found myself sounding a bit pissed off this time. "Things happened the same.." I was going to say day, but it would mean I would have to explain that too "Period." I said instead.

"And who caused you to be so..?"

"Depressed? Just say it, will you? I'm not five" I stormed.

"Sorry, I just didn't want to -"

"I get it, no need to explain" I said to save her the trouble.

"Let's go home" she said and finally dropped the subject. The reason I didn't go home earlier was because Mercedes was my ride home today. My mom needed the car all day, she drove into New Jersey in the morning and she would be there all day and have meetings. And my dad was busy as well.

****

Later the same evening, right after dinner. I walked into my room as always. I looked through my DVD's and chose a movie to watch. Some of them were new so I chose something I hadn't seen before. Some chickflick, something that wouldn't make me think of anything but pure comedy. I didn't want anything else than that. I got the popcorn ready and my night was already planned. I would wear my PJ's and watch movies until I fell alseep. That was it. I went to take the popcorn out of the microwave. I put the bowl on my bed and saw a light from my phone. It was a text. I opened it and it was an unknown number.

"Santana, hey. It's me, Brittany. I remembered I would text you my number but Lord Tubbington threw up and it took me a while to clean it, and then after that I forgot."

"Hey, it's okay. I hope your cat is okay" I replied. It actually made me happy that she texted me.

"He is now. I gave him chocolate.. but he needs to cut off the calories if he's gonna make the olympic team. He never listens to me." she answered.

I never thought Brittany was like this, I used to see her as the biggest bitch ever. She was really a nice person and I regret being mean to her, in my own thoughts. Out of nowhere, I remembered when she drove me home in the rain. I smiled and picked up my phone again to answer her.

"You're making me laugh my pants off. Stop before my parents think I've gone mad!" I sent as I laughed quietly by myself.

"What are you doing today then? Wanna hang out? Just the two of us." Brittany answered, and I know she wrote 'just the two of us' so I wouldn't think Quinn would join us.

"I'm planning to watch plenty of movies.. I don't know. I'm already in my PJ's"

"Come on, Lopez"

Come on, Lopez. Only one person I know used to say that and it was Quinn. Maybe that's why Brittany said it too, she's heard Quinn say it so often.. I guess. It just sent shivers through my whole body, it gave me an uncomfortable feeling.

"I don't think so. Sorry, maybe some other time"

"Next Friday?" she asked.

Brittany was being really pushy and it made me think. Was she asking me out on a date or what the hell was this? Why would she be so clingy and ask if we could go out next Friday, a friend would probably just reply with a simple 'okay'. I wouldn't want to jump to conclusions though, I'm always overthinking, obviously.

"Next Friday it is." I answered. So basically, I just thanked yes to go on a date with Brittany. Or I think it was a date.

After all the movies and unlimited texts me and Brittany sent to each other. I started to feel tired, three hours of sitting doesn't get you anywhere. It just makes you really sleepy. I walked into the bathroom to do the usual before I went to sleep. Wash my face, brush my teeth and be self destructive.