For me, nothing mattered anymore. I didn't feel like caring, I didn't feel like pretending I cared either. I just went with the flow, looked happy sometimes and talked to people I slowly started to push away. I stared at myself for a long time before putting my jeans on. I stared down at my thighs, I saw the fresh marks of scars. Every touch I brushed against them made my fingertips a little red and it felt like burns on my skin. I closed my eyes and pulled up the jeans, I bit my lip to help myself against the pain of my pants rubbing against the new scars. I chose to place them where they weren't visible. On my thighs, no one would see them. My cheerleading skirt was long enough to cover them up in school.

"Honey, are you done?" I heard my dad knock on my door.

"Be out in a second." I said and looked at myself in the mirror again.

"Alright, we're leaving" my dad told my mother and gave her a quick kiss on her forehead.

"Why isn't mom taking me to my appointment?" I asked.

"What's so wrong with me wanting to take you?," he said as he closed the door behind him "I miss spending time with my daughter, you're still my little angel even though you've grown up too fast" he smiled and we walked into the car. I just smiled back.

We drove a while until we reached the clinic. I was going to get my eyes tested, for some reason, my mother woke up one day and said she booked a appointment to me. I asked her why and she said it's because both her parents had glasses, and so does she. She wanted me to get checked before it was too late.

"Santana Lopez?" the old lady came out.

"Here" I said and walked over to her. My dad was waiting in the waiting room.

"Doctor Willis is ready to see you" she said and lead me to the room. I mean, obviously, I knew that. Isn't that why the old thing called me?

"Hello" she smiled and shook my hand. "Sit down right there and we'll get started" he smiled.

He used his tools and things to see my eyes. He put an eyepatch on my right eye and asked me to read something that was hanging on the door. I read all of it perfectly, he put the patch on my left eye now and I did the same thing again. Perfectly. I looked up at him and waited for him to finish writing. This man was freakishly tall.

"How old are you?" he asked me.

"Seventeen" I answered. He wrote it down.

"Great, Santana. You have no problems with your eyes. No worries" he smiled again, he smiled a lot. He patted my back.

Saturdays used to be so much fun before I became like this again. I always had plans, I was never bored. Everything changed so much. I pictured myself going out, to the movies, or just be outside. The image didn't fit my profile right now. The weather was becoming really beautiful. The sun creeped more and more for everyday that came. We reached the end of May and things started to lighten outside - it was only me who became darker. I woke up in the morning and I felt like something was eating me up from the inside. I tried to twitch and turn, I tried to shake it off. It just got worse. Nothing helped.

"Santana.. We are going to see abuela," my mother said as she carefully opened the door and walked in on me sitting silently and empty on my bed "please, come with us."

"Mom, she hates me. Why would she allow me to even enter her house? Don't you remember what she told me?"

I was so annoyed that my grandma lived in New York. I hoped she would stay in Portales, I didn't need another person to think about here too. But, to be fair, she did move here almost one year before me and my parents. I can't remember why she did it - I don't care either.

"Santana, please" my mom begged and sat down beside me.

"Please what? Even if she lets me in, she'll just give me looks and just twit me about it" I said.

"She loves you. Santana, abuela nearly raised you.. You need to forgive each other"

"I don't need to apologize for being myself, mom. She needs to stop hating me for wanting to be who I am. I was born like this, why can't she accept it?" I complained.

"She will accept it, sooner or later" my mom stood up.

"It's been two years." I jeered.

"So you're going to stay alone? We're going to be late.. Why don't you go see some friends or have them come over?" she said.

"I will, I'll hang out with Mercedes" I lied so she wouldn't worry about me being alone. She just smiled and walked out of my room.

I waited for my parents to leave. And when they finally did, I put my radio on and listened to my songs. I just simply laid there, looking up at the white, dull ceiling. Nothing seemed just right. Me - Santana Lopez, sitting at home on a damn Saturday evening - hating myself for things I didn't ask for. I started thinking about things I could do alone, I lost myself in my thoughts and started thinking about death. The freedom of death, or was it really freedom? You don't know until you actually die inside and lose every sign of life. So I would think that if you die, you avoid all of these feelings because when you're really dead and not just own a dead soul - you're actually not a functioning human being. When you're dead, the world stops for you, you don't have these thoughts inside your head, you don't have a mind that keeps screaming - telling you to straighten up, to get your shit together, it doesn't constantly remind you of what you've become. Nothing. So yes, I'd like to think that death was actually freedom in some form.

I sat by the kitchen table with a cup of tea in front of me. I had gotten a call from Mercedes, she asked me if I wanted to join her and go find something to do. She said that she really wanted me to go with her. She joked and said that if I didn't go with her she would have to stand being with Rachel, and she claims she couldn't be around her after what she did. She still doesn't know about the kiss. I think. She just knows that Rachel did something to me. All I could think was that if she thinks this way about Rachel, what in earth's name would she do when she found out what Quinn did? If she ever did find out. However, I told Mercedes I didn't feel like going out. I lied about having a headache, that would make her stop begging me to go with her. And she did. I was left alone.

"Lord Tubbington says hi" was what I read when I opened the text I had gotten when I walked into my room again.

"Say hi back" I texted and smiled at her sudden text.

"He asks if you're bored.."

"Tell him I am"

"Now he asks if you want to go out with him? He's really bored too."

"Tell him I can't"

"He says please... :("

"Tell him I agreed on next Friday. That'll cheer him up."

She didn't answer after that. I put the phone on my desk and sat on my bed, slid a CD into the DVD and started watching the movie. Half way in the movie, I recognized I had already watched this film. I sighed loudly at my stupidness. I walked up and stopped the movie to put another one in. An hour and a half had gone since my parents left the house. I picked some movie I hadn't seen yet and right when I put into the DVD player. I heard small knocks on my window, it sounded like a knock from like a little ant or something. I ignored it. I played the movie and right when I was going to get comfortable, the knocks came back again. I looked out and saw Brittany. She was standing outside my house, looking for more tiny harmless rocks to throw on my window.

"Brittany?!" I called when I opened the window. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I was on the road so I thought I would pass by.. I thought you would laugh about it. So now I'm doing what people always do in movies instead of knocking."

"Can you explain to me what you're expecting now? And didn't we agree on next Friday!" I laughed.

"I'm expecting that you come down?" she smiled. "What about next Friday?" she kept smiling, pretending like she didn't know we planned on going out. I just ignored her "joke".

"Brittany.." I sighed "I don't feel like going out"

She pouted her lips and frowned. I couldn't stand it. She looked like a sad child who lost their favorite toy. I closed my window and walked downstairs, I opened the front door and she was standing on my porch. Her jeans were light blue, like mine, she was wearing a white top with a blue thin down jacket over it. Her blonde hair was let out of the usual ponytail.

"You're coming out with me?" her face lightened.

"I'm not.." I said.

"Santana!" she pouted again. Her blue eyes were looking like two unique drops from the ocean. They were amazing.

"Sorry Brittany, I'm just not in the mood.."

I looked at her and she just stood there. Her face was facing her shoes, the pale face screamed disappointed. It felt pretty bad to have to do this to her. She drove all the way here - I found it interesting that she remembered where I lived, it was ages ago she drove me home that one time. I leaned on the side of the door with my arms crossed. I waited for her to look up. She looked like she actually did expect more than just a two minute conversation by my front door.

"Hey, Brittany," I said "look, if you want to, you can come in.. I'm home alone, I'm just not in the mood to go out"

"Really?" she smiled now, her thin lips stretched and her teeth showed.

"Sure" I said. I would feel like shit if I didn't let her hang out with me in some way. She came all the way here, it would be rude to send her away. She was being nice to me for a long time, I could at least do this.

We walked into my house and she looked awfully happy to be in it. I was starting to think this was exactly what she was trying to do. I smiled at my own thoughts and looked at her, she was looking around the living room. I pointed up and she nodded. We walked up to my room.

"What a cute room" she said and touched the edge of my bed.

"Thank you." I looked over at my TV and remembered what I was doing before she interrupted me "I was just going to watch a movie before you came."

"What movie? I love scary movies" she said.

"Well, this isn't a scary movie but we can watch one if you want?" I offered.

"Would you change movies for me? No wonder Rachel and the other girls like being your friend so much." she said and sat down on my bed.

I laughed for myself when she mentioned Rachel. This was the first time she was at my place and we were this comfortable with each other, it really brought a bit of happiness in me. I took my box of movies out and placed it in front her. She backed and made herself even more comfortable in my bed. I took a deep breath and sat down next to her. She was looking through the many DVD's and I don't even think she noticed I was sitting next to her. She was too into it.

"You have a lot of movies" she said and picked one out "how about this one?" she held a exorcism movie in front of my eyes. I hated those.

"Yeah.. Why not?" I nervously laughed and swallowed a big lump in my throat. "Last time I watched that movie I nearly died but sure" I smiled and took it from her.

"We don't have to watch it" she said.

"I want to watch it, it's okay" I said and stood up to get popcorn.

"Santana... Um.." she said and looked at me.

"What?"

"You.. hav-" she was talking really slow.

"What is it?" I stressed.

"Your pants"

I looked down at my light blue jeans and found two spots of blood stains. I didn't know how to react, I didn't know how to explain myself.

"Oh, that.. I'm messy when I eat! Let me go change, I'll be right back." I lied, and I hope it wasn't obvious. I walked to my wardrobe and took out a pair of grey sweatpants.

I took my jeans of as soon as I got into the bathroom. I grumbled over my stupid excuse 'I'm messy when I eat'. I placed a piece of wet paper on my bleeding scar and dried it. When it was okay, I took a bandage from the locker and put it on the scar. I looked myself in the mirror and pushed my palms against my forehead, I muttered by myself for being so uncautious. This incident, it ruined my mood. It reminded me of myself and I just felt like shit yet again. I pulled the new pants on and walked back to Brittany, I tried to look as happy as I could. She was just sitting on the same spot she was before with a concerned look on her face.

"Are you okay?" she asked. I guess I failed with the happy look.

"I'm fine. Let's start the movie"

"No.." she got up from the bed. "I'm sorry, I think I need to go home. This was a bad idea, I'm really sorry."

"What? Why?" I was shocked.

"I'm not stupid, okay Santana?" she sounded pissed off over my reaction "I just have to leave, see you around okay?" she said and rushed out of my room.

"Santana, hey. This is my number.. Sorry for the late text. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for leaving like that.. I don't know if you're sleeping? so um.. yeah. Sorry" it came from a number I didn't have saved in my phone.

"You got a new number?" I texted back.

"No? This is my number, I've had it since forever. I forgot to text you the other day.. sorry bout that. Are we okay?"

I dropped my phone on the ground. I didn't understand, it felt like my brain short circuited and needed to be restarted. I felt myself turning pale, I raised my hand to cover my beating heart as I took in the information I had gotten. I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes until I saw nothing but little drops. I tried to sit down but just fell back down on my back, on the bed. I was astonished. Who the hell had I been texting repeatedly for the past week?