No more school for Santana. That was my new motto. No. More. School. I hadn't been in school for the past one and a half week. I faked being sick to both my parents and friends. I was doing a hell of a good job. I had gotten calls from Mercedes, once from Tina. I had also gotten texts from Brittany and that Brittany poser. I answered none of the texts. I didn't have time for more games. I had myself to sort out, games took too much time. I hadn't left my bed in a week, basically. I was done.. I felt like everything was useless. It felt like no matter how hard I tried, or how much I fought it - I always turned out to be the victim of something around here. Back home, it was the other way around. I guess that was the right time to start believing in karma. And it really is a bitch.
I tried to go to the kitchen and make myself something to eat but just ended up going back to bed, empty handed. My parents were working so it meant I was home alone for all these days until around 4pm everyday. That's when my mom came home most days. The only positive results I got from staying home was that I hadn't hurt myself in a week - and the negative thing was that I started to think about hurting myself in places people could see because I thought I wouldn't go to school anyway so who the hell cares if they're visible?
Me and Brittany didn't talk ever since she sent me that text, the real Brittany's number. She texted me several times after it, even called me some times, I never answered. When the fake number called or texted, I didn't answer either. I was scared of finding out who would be on the other line - every part of me that could ever trust another human being went away. Every damn part of it. I could barely trust my own mother anymore. However, I felt bad for ignoring Brittany, but it was time I started feeling bad for myself instead. I mean, ever since I moved here, things hadn't gone well, not even one day. There was always something, always someone. So I decided to hide from it all. Faking being sick was my get away from the constant fear, from the constant feeling of being worried. I looked at the clock. One hour left until my mom got home. I looked back at the times and I found myself pressing my face into my pillow. How could I become this? I blame New York for all of it. I blame this damn city, I cursed it. I decided to try this sleeping thing I hadn't done in a while. Three hours of sleep per night drives you insane. I should be in a mental instution by now. All these thoughts, the self harming.. It was a lot for me. I looked at the clock on my phone - 3.30pm. I placed it back on the nightstand and turned my face to the fall and closed my eyes. A beep stopped me from falling into that dark place again instead of sleeping, you know, that place inside your mind that makes you think about doing bad things?
"Hey you.. I know you're still not talking to me.. I wish you did though. But I have nothing to say. I mean.. um.. I don't know. I don't even know if I could call us real friends from the beginning, did we even get there? I don't want to make this text too long.. So feel better. I hope we'll see each other soon. Brittany."
I had gotten the same type of texts from her every two days during this one and a half week. I didn't feel anything anymore, I expected them to come although I always did the same thing - opened the text, half assed read it - put the phone back where it was.
I shut my eyes again. This time, that dark place attacked me. It reminded me of all the bad things that happened, all the bad things I have done to myself. Come on, Santana. Go. It was like whispers in my head. It annoyed me so much, it was breaking my insides, it was making me fall into pieces without noticing it myself until I woke up one day with so much hate inside me for nothing. I sat up on the bed, I looked at the bathroom door, it was right outside my room, it was open. It was inviting me in. Encouraging me. I stood up, straightened my shirt, brushed my hair with my hand. I got a quick feeling of dizziness.
"Where is that damn thing?" I mumbled to myself as I kept looking around the bathroom for the blade.
I opened the locker where I used to keep it, hidden inside my "face creme" keeper. It wasn't in there either. I looked around the bathroom and thought of other places I could keep it but that and under the washing machine was the only two places I kept it. Who the hell could have taken it? My mother? No. My dad? absolutely not. I was utterly disappointed, I was looking forward to create something I could hate myself even more for. I decided to place it on my arm this time, maybe by the wrist. The reason I did this, it wasn't to look at something bloody, it wasn't because it was fun, obviously. The reason I began cutting myself almost two months ago was because the instant thoughts that hit my head as I walked into the locker room, or my room, or school. The thoughts that hit me wherever I went, they became too hard to wrestle. I hoped that feeling physical pain, the pain of something else for a change, would maybe make me get my mind off everything that kept haunting my thoughts. Guess what? It made it worse, because whenever I looked at my scars, I remembered the reason to every each one of them. I see the scene of when it happened in my head. It gave me something new to wrestle in my head. And the reason to why I couldn't stop doing it, was because during the exact moment the blade got pressed against my skin - during the moment the blood slowly starting to drop on the floor in small forms - I actually felt a light swell of happiness in my chest for some quick seconds, because for some seconds, I didn't feel the mental pain.
For twenty minutes I had been sitting inside the kitchen, I went back again for no reason at all. I heard my phone ring, it was in my room. I was just too damn focused on thinking to go get it. Another twenty minutes passed and I saw my moms car pull in on the driveway. I watched her get out of the car, lock it and walk towards the door.
"Hey honey" she said when she walked in, the front door was just outside the kitchen so I was the first thing she saw.
"Hey mom" I answered and stood up.
"How are you feeling? Is it better?"
"I don't know.. I think so" I acted. I opened the fridge and took out a bottle of water.
"I hope so.. You have been missing a lot from school, you need to hurry up and getter better" she jokingly smiled.
"Summerbreak is soon anyway" I said.
"You think I'm going to let you skip school until summerbreak? Oh honey" she sassed.
"Fine, mom. I'll try to get better. It's not in my hands you know?" I said.
"I know, I know, just go get some rest. Do you want me to make you some soup?"
"I'm not hungry, thanks"
"Have you eaten today?" she asked.
"Yeah"
"Santana don't lie to me" she looked right through me.
"Fine make me the soup" I said. Even though I didn't want it, I agreed so she wouldn't keep talking.
"Is that your phone ringing?" she pointed out.
"Oh.. Yeah, I should go answer that" for once I was happy about the phone call. It gave me a reason to leave the kitchen without seeming 'annoyed'.
I walked into my room and put the bottle on my writing desk, which I never use, and walked over to my phone that was thrown on my bed. I didn't make it in time to pick up but I decided to call back. It was "Brittany". The person who pretended to be her for some stupid reason. I was done trying to avoid them. I needed to know who I had been talking to.
"Hello?" I said when they picked up.
"Hey"
I couldn't believe my ears.
"What do you want?" I asked.
"I need you to know something" she said.
"What the hell is it? Why did you pretend to be Brittany?"
"Can I tell you my thing first?" she sounded pissed off by my questions.
"No. It's my turn to talk. Why the hell did you do it and how did you know she took my number?"
"I don't really want to answer any of your questions. You're talking to me like I'm a idiot"
"Well, you are a damn idiot. Stupid fuck" I said.
"Look, Santana, we need to talk"
"We're talking now aren't we?" I said.
"Don't get too stuck up. You're going to regret it" she said.
"I have nothing to lose anymore, you see, I've outgrown your bullshit ways. So tell me what you want and stop dreaming about the fact that I'll ever come see you" I was so angry that moment I swear I felt like meeting her just to kick her ass.
"Please, please Santana.." she started begging.
I stopped talking for a second. I needed to clear my head. I got so angry when I heard her voice, I don't even remember the things I told her.
"Why is it so important that you meet me and tell me what you wanna say?" I asked.
"Because I don't find it okay to say something as personal as what I'm planning, on the phone" she said. We were both calmer now.
"I don't know.. I mean, you're the biggest piece of shit I've ever known, and also the most messed up lying asshole, but I do want to hear what you have to say"
"Does that mean you'll come see me, now? I can't wait any longer" she desperately said.
"It means I'll think about it and call you in a bit" I hung up after that.
For the past month and some week or so, I have been thinking a lot about what I could do to feel better. Obviously, I hated feeling like this. I ruined my body, my mind and my confidence. I had been pushing away feelings I hated myself for feeling and everyday it was eating me up alive. So I decided I would meet her. Why? Becuase there was so much for her to explain. And I don't mean about one of the things, I needed her to explain every single damn thing to me. I know, I shouldn't even trust her. I didn't either, like I said, everything I've been through caused me serious trust issues. She lied about almost everything during the time I've known her. So has her little friend, but I still needed her to tell me about it all. Even if she would lie about that too, I could swallow the lies and pretend it was the truth. I could accept pretty lies to hide the ugly truth. That's what I had become, a coward. After all of what happened, and our phone conversation, I thought maybe if I forgave her, I would feel a tiny little bit better. I've learned from my past and from now that holding a grudge only makes you feel worse - forgiving is what would make me let it go, even though it's hard to forgive someone who is one of the reasons you feel like I was feeling.
I called her up and told her we could meet in an hour, the same spot we met last time. I put on decent clothes that didn't make me look like a homeless person, brushed my hair a little bit. I didn't even bother putting make up on, I wasn't seeing anyone important anyway.
"Mom, can I have the car?"
"What? Where are you going? The soup is nearly ready"
"I'll be hungrier when I get back" I smiled.
"Okay okay, don't be too late" she sounded disappointed but I couldn't do anything about it. I think she was just happy about the fact that I wanted to go out for once in a long time.
I looked around for her until I got tired and sat down on the same bench as the last time. Around me was nothing but old people walking their dogs. I took my phone out and started checking if I had gotten a text from her or anything. I got nothing. Two minutes later, she showed up. Without a hello, or a smile, or anything, she sat down next to me. She looked straight ahead, at the trees and people in front of us. Her hair looked better than usual, it wasn't in a damn ponytail as always. I looked at her, waiting for her to say something. Nothing was said. Her lips were spread, as if she was ready to speak but couldn't let anything out.
"Are you going to sit like this all day or is this going anywhere?" I finally said.
"I'm thinking" she said.
"Couldn't you think before you got here? I don't have all day"
"Do you realize how hard this is for me?" Quinn looked at me.
"Hard for you? Really? Do you want me to feel sorry for you?" I asked.
"I'm just asking for you to have a little sympathy"
"Are you kidding, Quinn? Sympathy? You're a moron"
"Look, Lopez. I-"
"Call me Santana, alright?" I cut her off.
"Okay, Santana" she smiled "I don't know how to say this. Last time we were here, I told you how I feel about you.. Then, I got the urge to actually apologize for everything when I heard you and Brittany talk in the locker room. So I texted you from my little sister's number and kinda led you into thinking you were talking to Brittany. So for that, Sorry. It was jealousy." she looked at me. I nodded. "And then.. For, you know.."
"No, I don't know. Tell me" I said even though I knew what she was going to say. "Come on, tell me" I stressed.
"About what happened in the locker room.. What I did. I'm so sorry" she looked down at the floor. She kept shaking her leg and she couldn't stop playing with her hands. She was nervous. "You know, Santana, you're the only person I've ever been this nice too"
"Nice?" I laughed. "Thank you?"
"I'm being nice now, I'm saying sorry for everything, and I really mean it" she looked into my eyes and I felt something starting in my chest.
"Quinn, you made me feel so much worse than I already was feeling, do you know that?"
"I know.."
"You don't. You have no idea." I looked at her, she stopped shaking her leg and her hands were resting on the edge of the bench. "I was already depressed about moving here, you see, I was so damn angry. I lost everything I loved by coming here, I even lost myself, and you made me feel like shit about myself, you made me weak" I spilled my heart out for Quinn. She needed to know everything, and then she would see why I was so upset. "I thought I would get friends here, I mean, I did get some good friends, but I also got two enemies. And I'm not only saying this now but you were worse than Brittany, we both know that. Right?" I saw Quinn nod. "Still, I was already depressed as I said, and then after everything that happened, I just started hating life. I started hating myself. And it's all your fault, Quinn"
I looked at Quinn without turning my face. She furrowed her eyebrows, it was obvious that she was getting sad. I made her feel really bad for what she did, obviously.
"Santana, forgive me. I'm begging you. I like you so much and I just wish you could see that"
'I like you so much.' What a moron.
"Come on, Quinn, really? You like me.. You're a joke" I stood up. I couldn't sit down anymore.
"I like you. I do, I've been liking for quite a while and you know that, I've told you.." she said, looking up at me.
"Yeah and I'm stupid for believing you" I heard Quinn sigh behind me as I turned my back and stood facing the other side of the nature.
"I'm so sorry.." she said again. I heard her stand up.
"It doesn't matter. What's done is done. Right?" I said, turning back to her again. Her eyes were narrowed, as if she thought I was joking with her.
"You're forgiving me?" she sounded annoyed.
"I'm forgiving you" I said.
"Okay.." This time she said with disappointment in her voice.
"Aren't you supposed to be happy? I'm forgiving you" I raised my eyebrow.
"Yeah, I'm thankful. What about the other thing I said?"
"You said another thing?" I irritated her.
"About the fact that I like you?" she reminded.
"Oh that," I said "That, Quinn, is your god damn problem"
"What the hell," she said and took a step closer to me "can you stop the charade? I'm falling for you and this is what you have to say 'it's your god damn problem' what's your problem, you forgave me?"
"Since when does it mean you like a person just because you forgive them?" I stared her down, she shook her head. "That's what I thought"
"I don't want it to be like this between us anymore" she said.
"You started it, suit yourself"
"I'm not going to do anything to you anymore, can we try being friends.. Maybe you'll feel the same about me when you really get to know me?" her words hit me like a slap on the face.
"You think I'm ever going to fall in love with you?" I nearly laughed.
"You don't know how I am, when I'm not.. like that"
"Like what? When you're not a heartless bitch?"
"I guess.."
"Look, Quinn, I have to go. But no hard feelings, really" I assured, it was painful to even say that, but I needed to let go in order to forget all of this "I forgive you, but we will never be friends" I turned around and started walking away, slowly, because I expected her to say something.
"I'll try my best, Santana! I will make it up to you this time, I promise!" she called. As I expected.