I walked after Quinn and pulled her back. She stood there, her eyebrows started to crease in the middle, I didn't get if she was really pissed of at me pulling her back or if she was just shocked.
"What do you mean with flaw?"
"You're so stupid sometimes"
"Yeah, okay. Explain" I demanded.
"No" she teased.
"Come on," I said "just tell me"
"You really don't get it?" she asked.
"I don't"
Truth is, I think I understood exactly what Quinn was saying. She was trying to find a flaw in my face because she found it.. Flawless? I believe that was it, I just needed her to say it for me to actually believe it. Becuase something twitched in my chest when she said that, she made me feel something. Again.
"Too bad" she said, turned around and started walking again.
"Quinn?" I said when I caught up with her so I stood right beside her.
"What?" she said when we reached the front of the schoolyard, where everyone hung out.
"I was thinking earlier and I really think-"
"Santana!" I was cut off by Tina, with Rachel right beside her.
"What is it?" I asked, with a really annoyed voice.
"Weren't you going to the court to.. Stretch?" she said and looked at Quinn.
"Yeah, me and Quinn did it together" I figured she had to believe me since we're on the same team.
"You and Quinn?" she sounded like I was talking about stretching with the president or something.
"Yeah? Coach said we need to stretch in pairs now, to get to know each other" I lied.
"Yeah, will you two get the hell out of my way now?" Quinn said and shook her head, split Rachel and Tina just to walk inbetween them, I walked behind her.
"Santana!" Tina called, I just glanced back. Her face was still so confused. I said nothing and kept walking beside Quinn even though I didn't feel very welcomed to do so.
"What were you going to say?" Quinn brought it up again.
"Forget it" I said.
"Seriously?" she said, she looked at me with furious eyes and turned her face again and picked up the pace, some moments later she was long ahead of me. And I didn't run up to her this time, because I had nothing to say anymore.
I couldn't help but blaming Tina. Quinn quickly looked back once and then turned around again. I found it typical that just when I got the courage to admit to Quinn that I couldn't stay away from her anymore, someone disturbs me. The truth is, I was now more than ever being honest with myself. During practice, I felt like I wasn't really there. Coach yelled at me several times because of it. I just couldn't help it, but I also didn't want to get kicked out of the team, not yet. I got myself together at the end of the lesson and did my best to show the coach that I wasn't too bad.
"If you people are like this next time we practice, I'll have to sell you to the damn children's team! Get the hell out of here!" coach nagged and shook her head.
We all started walking towards the locker room. I was walking right behind Brittany and Quinn was right beside her. I don't think any of them knew I was right behind them until we got into the locker room.
"Santana, were you here all this time?" Brittany said and smiled.
"Yeah I was, didn't you notice I was at practice until now..?" I asked, a bit concerned.
"I did notice you.. I was just referring to the fact that you were avoiding me during practice!" she laughed and lightly stroked my arm as she walked by to stand by her usual locker, two lockers away from mine.
"I didn't ignore you" I laughed.
"Yeah?" she wanted me to confirm it.
"She was avoiding me, not you" Quinn interrupted.
"I wasn't" I said.
"Come on, Quinn.." Brittany said and tried to pull her back from standing between us.
"What's wrong with you now?" I asked.
"I want to know what you're doing, why you're doing this" Quinn said, her face was only some inches away from mine.
"I just.. I want to make peace" I nearly whispered, almost every girl in the locker room already stared at us and I didn't want any more attention drawn to us.
"What does that even mean?" she asked.
I thought for a second before saying something. If I told her I wanted to be friends now, it would mean I couldn't take it back. Me and Quinn would become.. Friends. Just the thought of it was weird.
"It means I want to be friends with you" I said anyway.
"What happened with 'never'?" she said, this time leaning her shoulder on the locker beside her.
"It went out the window.. It was hard staying away from you" I admitted and swallowed a big lump in my throat. Quinn let out a soft snicker that turned her lips into a smile and walked away to her locker. When Quinn walked away, I could see Brittany very clearly and she looked like she was both shocked and honestly, a bit disappointed.
****
Sometimes, everything felt so right. Like when I'm in bed, with my feet hanging and my arms spread all over the empty space, with music softly playing in the background. Other days, everything just feels wrong, hopeless. And for a whole day, everything felt right.. That had to mean something. I layed in bed, under the covers. I held my phone right in front of my face, I had gotten a unexpected text from Quinn.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I was just getting ready for sleep"
"How about going out instead?"
"Now?" I replied.
"Yeah, now"
"No thank you" I wrote.
"Fine.. Whatever."
Who asks someone to hang out after midnight? It was twelve thirty, right in the middle of the night. The fact that she asked me out meant that she was awake as well - thinking about me. And something about that made me feel good inside. It made me happy. I hated it. For the first time in a long time, I felt like this about someone, and it's feelings for someone I wish I could hate. Despite everything she put me through, all hate I had towards her - it just vanished. It left me, as if it was never there.
The next morning was okay. I got to school in time and met Mercedes to go to spanish class together. I sat behind Quinn this time, with Mercedes next to me, Brittany next to Quinn. And for once, I was quiet during class. I didn't say a word, all I did was stare at the two necks I had before me, and thought about how much they changed my life and how damn weird I found it. How unexpected it was, how I wasn't prepared for anything like this to ever happen to me. Quinn looked back at me twice, I counted the times she did just so I would know. Two times I caught her looking, she didn't smile or anything - she was just looking at me. I started thinking about all the times I told myself I hated her, all the times I told myself that looking at her disgusted me and how I despite all that, couldn't help but staring at her when we crossed paths, how no matter how much I told her and myself that I disliked her - I still felt blue everytime I saw her smile at someone else.
"So... Santana" Mercedes sneered as we sat down on the bench outside school during the break.
"Yeah?"
"Tina told me you ditched her for Quinn" she said.
"What? I didn't do that" I lied. Once again, I got nervous and it was getting harder and harder for me to cover this nervosity that attacked me whenever someone questioned me about Quinn.
"Really?," Mercedes looked at me with wondering eyes "from what Tina said, you and her walked together from behind school.. When you told Tina you were going to stretch"
"Um, yeah," I swallowed a big lump in my throat "I told her me and Quinn were stretching together, it was orders from our coach"
"You stretched together behind school?" she raised one eyebrow.
"Yeah.." I didn't sound too confident.
"Santana, are you and Quinn a couple?" she asked out of nowhere.
"What?!," I nearly shouted "no, no absolutely not!" I was freaking out even though we weren't a couple, just the thought of it made me feel weirder than ever.
"Are you.. sure?" she laughed at my reaction.
"Yes, yes I'm sure" I calmed down. "Trust me, if I was together with Quinn, you'd be the first one to know" I smiled.
"Well, do you like her?" she asked.
My reaction to her question was nothing that could be seen from my body language - it was something that hit my chest. It was a question I had been afraid to answer ever since I started feeling like that about Quinn.. Because, what I felt for her was something I couldn't quite explain. I felt a lump in my throat when I saw her, a swell of emotions gathered in my chest when I talked to her and I just got nervous even talking about her. Maybe I had a little crush on Quinn, or maybe I didn't. Maybe it was just me being confused. Or, most likely, it was me pushing the feelings that started grow for her in me away.
"I don't" I finally answered.
"Well that took you some time"
"So?"
"I'm just saying, if you were sure, you wouldn't have to think about it" Mercedes said and smirked.
"Whatever" I said. I figured that if I kept fighting it, she would notice even more clearly.
"Are you coming tonight?" Mercedes changed the subject.
"Where?"
"To the movies.. Have you forgotten?" she said.
"Oh shit, yeah I forgot. Yeah, I'll be there" I answered.
I had totally forgotten I made plans with Mercedes, if I remembered right, Brittany would come with us too. Luckily, I didn't make other plans during all this time that I didn't know I already had plans. I was actually happy I had plans, it was a really long time ago I went out on a Friday. Time passed and we were heading home. I was picked up by my mother and Mercedes and I agreed to meet outside the movies eight o'clock. I would take my mom's car and pick Mercedes up, Brittany lived close to the city so she would make her own way there.
"Come on, this is why I hate driving here sometimes.. the damn cars everywhere" I said. Mercedes just laughed next to me.
I drove to the movies and parked right outside along with the other cars. Brittany was standing there, she waved when she saw us arriving. Mercedes waved back as I parked. We stepped out of the car and walked over to Brittany. We tried to decide what movie we wanted to see for around five minutes until we picked out three movies we would choose from. As they were discussing, I picked up my phone that was ringing and stepped aside from them. It was Quinn.
"Hey"
"Hey" she sounded down, not really happy.
"What's up?" I asked and looked back at my two friends who paid no attention to me at all.
"I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out?" she asked.
"I'm actually.. Um," I lowered my voice "I can't, Quinn.. I'm with Mercedes and Brittany at the movies right now"
"Is Brittany with you too?" she asked, sounding really annoyed.
"Yeah"
"How come she's invited and not me?"
"Quinn.. Come on, don't be like that. Both you and I know you would never in a million years want to hang out with Mercedes" I said.
"Fair enough" she jeered.
"Yeah, sorry.. We'll talk later, okay?"
"No wait," she stopped me from hanging up "come hang out with me anyway, leave them"
I looked back at Mercedes and Brittany who now were looking at me, waiting. Mercedes was waving her hand at me and Brittany was just staring. I shrugged and turned my head again. I thought for a while and didn't know what to do. Leaving my friends to meet her would be kind of rude, and if they found out.. They would be really upset. I know Mercedes would. If I turned Quinn down again, maybe she would stop trying again like the last time and I didn't want that either.
"Are you still there?" I heard from the other line, her voice was curious.
"Yeah.. I am, I am," I said "Um.. Yeah, I'll hang out with you" I said quietly.
"Really?" she didn't sound too convinced.
"I will" I assured her. "Text me where you wanna meet. Gotta go" I hung up and walked back to my friends.
"Who was that?" Brittany asked.
"I.. I have to go" I said and quickly had to come up with a excuse.
"What?," Mercedes burst out "why?"
"My mom called me.. Something happened and I really need to be there" I pulled on the upset expression and acted overly stressed. "I'm so sorry guys, you can still watch the movie. I just really have to go" I said again.
"Oh my god, what happened?" Brittany asked. Mercedes looked at me as well.
"I'll explain it all later" I said and rushed out of there.
As soon as I reached the car, I was relieved. I made it. I opened Quinn's text message and drove there, again, to the same spot as usual. It had become our little spot I guess. I felt guilty about lying all the way there but I was still pretty happy about meeting Quinn. When I reached the park, Quinn wasn't there yet. I sat down on the same bench, facing the same type of little crowd - people were starting to leave just when I got there. Facing the same picture, waiting for the same girl. I let my hair out of the ponytail and brushed it with my fingers. I started to feel nervous again when I heard the steps behind me getting closer and closer. She arrived. Her hair was let down, her tight t-shirt formed her body and the blue jeans were perfectly fitted on her legs. I shook the stare I was giving her off and cleared my throat.
"I'm glad you could make it" she sat down next to me, closer than she usually did.
"Yeah.."
Just that moment did I realize that this was pretty awkward because we had nothing to say in the start. All the other times we used to meet here, we had something to talk about. We sat quiet for some minutes and avoided to look at each other, we sat there both of us with our hands in our pockets, our elbows lightly brushing against each other every now and then.
"So.. Do you want to do something? Go somewhere?" she asked.
"Not really"
"You wanna stay here?"
"I do" I answered.
She let out a little laugh, nothing was said, again. It was just so.. Rigid. It felt like I couldn't move, I was careful with what sounds I let out because she was kind of close so I didn't want to her to think I was breathing weirdly or something.. I tried to be really silent with everything I did.
"You and Brittany seem to get along" she said again.
"Yeah, she's really nice" I said.
"She is" she agreed.
"Are you upset because we didn't ask you to come with us?" I asked.
"No, not really"
"Okay, good" I said.
"Do you.. Like her?," she asked. The question came so sudden, I wasn't prepared for it so I didn't really answer for some long seconds "Do you like her?" she asked again.
"God, no. I don't like her, not that way" I said.
"Are you lying to me?" she asked.
"Would it make you angry if I did?" I asked, I let my hands out of my pocket.
"I couldn't care less" she said, but her voice wasn't steady.
"Okay.. Well, I'm lying to you" I said.
"What?" her whole face turned. She locked her eyelids.
"Yeah, I'm super in love with Brittany" I said again.
Quinn opened her eyes and threw me a death stare. Her face was glazed for a second and then she frowned, her lips got pursed together and her eyes unblinking. Right that moment I felt like if her eyes were a weapon, the piercing look she gave me would have me lying on the ground - bloody and destroyed.
"Okay" she said. She finally moved her head to a different direction.
"Quinn, I was joking"
"You were joking?" she said. Her face was still contorted in fury. Her cheeks flushed and her eyes sparkled with ferocity.
"Yeah... Sorry" I failed to hold in my laugh by letting out a little chuckle.
"That was not funny"
"You said you couldn't care less, I don't see why you got angry.."
"I wasn't angry" she protested.
"Oh please, your face screamed 'furious'," I irritated her "don't even deny it"
"I wasn't angry" she repeated.
"You were angry, Quinn" I said.
She was quiet for a minute and stopped to look away for a moment. I looked at her as she looked right ahead of her at the trees and the empty park. I admired her face in a way I never did before, just that moment did I actually see Quinn. I saw the profile of her nose, her lips and her eye. I waited for her to turn around just so I could see all of it. I wanted to see her whole face. I started to notice that Quinn reacted to my staring, her look wasn't balanced anymore and she glanced at me from the side.
"Will you stop?" she looked at me.
"If you admit it"
"What?" she got tense.
"That it made you angry"
Quinn looked right into my eyes, her eyes were very still, facing mine. I looked right back at her - expecting an answer. She let her hands out of her pocket and put them on the empty space between our thighs. I glanced down at her hand then back up into the green, intense eyes. The sun was slowly drifting away and it started to become darker as the minutes passed. She scooched in a bit closer to me, there was no empty space between our thighs now, her hand was on her own leg. Everything just seemed unreal. She started pressing her face closer to me, her breathing started to sound heavier as mine did. I looked down at her hand that moved from her own thigh to mine. Quinn looked down at my hands and let out a little laugh, I guess she noticed how they got pushed back into my pockets. She leaned in a bit closer and took a strand of my hair to put it behind my ear. My heart started beating so hard I felt like even the blonde in front of myself could hear it. I saw Quinn close her eyes and direct her lips towards mine, leaning in, but just before they got pressed against mine, I pulled away and stood up.
"I'm sorry" I mumbled, still shocked about what just happened and started walking fast and then kind of jogging to my car without even looking back once.
When I got home, I nodded at my parents who were sitting in front of the TV, they asked me about my night and I just answered with a simple 'it was fine'. I stressed into my room and sat down on my bed. I pushed my palms on my forehead and leaned my elbows on my knees. I felt like curling up into a ball and just hiding, I was so embarrassed. For a long while, I had been thinking about what I really wanted with Quinn.. And the moment she leaned in for the kiss, a real kiss, not like the ones before, I knew. I knew and it made me scared. It wasn't like it was the first time I got close or intimate with Quinn, it was just the first time I actually enjoyed and wanted it. I stood up and thought about her - sitting there, alone, maybe also embarrassed. I picked up my phone and called her. It rang once and before she picked up, I hung up and sat down again. Not even a minute passed and I did the same thing again, only this time, I didn't hang up.
"Quinn? It's me.. I'm so sorry" I said, I was still a bit hysterical.
"It's fine" she mumbled.
"Are you still there?"
"I am" she said.
"Why?"
"I don't want to go home yet. What's with you anyway?" she said.
I looked at the clock hanging over my door, 9.30pm. I made up a plan and decided to go for it.
"If I asked you to meet me somewhere, would you?"
"We were just together.. Couldn't you just stay?" I knew she was referring to the fact that I didn't go through with the kiss.
"Just answer my question"
"I would" she said.
I described to her where I wanted her to meet me. It was another, much smaller park closer to my place. A five minute ride. I couldn't really drive too long away now that I already got home, my parents would be too suspicious. She knew what park I meant and she agreed to meet me there in a bit.
"Where are you going again?" my mom asked as I walked towards the door.
"Mercedes forgot her keys in my car, I need to drive them over to her" I lied. My mom nodded.
I drove to the little park, it was this abandoned park. I stood right by the sideway so I would see Quinn when she got here. When I finally saw her car drive in and park. When I finally saw her step out, I knew exactly what I wanted - needed to do. She slowly walked towards me, I walked towards her to meet her halfway on the little sidewalk. I stared right into her eyes, ignoring the fact that we were in the middle of the street - an empty street though. When she got close enough, I cupped her face with my both hands. I looked into her sparkling eyes, this time, the good type of sparkling and felt her breath hit my lips, it was warm, comforting but in another way, threatening. I took a piece of her hair that was hanging right over her eye and brushed it back.
"Santana.." she whispered.
I pressed my finger on her lips, she let out a loud exhale and again the warmth of her breath lit me up. A rush of emotions and heat started to spread across my chest. Shivers were spreading throughout my entire body, reaching every bone, every edge and every curve. I could witness her eyes watching my every move, from the slight trembling of my lips to the way my chest rose and fell as I let a breath out. I leaned forward slowly, her hand was brushing the hair out of my face and in an instant, her lips were pressed against mine. They were soft and they tasted just the way I imagined they would. I felt like I was floating, calm and free in the ocean, or maybe the clouds. Quivers were caressing my skin as my fingertips brushed against Quinn's neck. Every noise I heard, the wind and the sound of cars driving that were in the background of the moment - they turned mute. The only thing I heard was Quinn's slow breathing and the sound of our lips being tangled. It was deep, like the moon - but yet as soft as the warmest summer day. Her hand searched the small of my back and into my my hair. When we finally pulled free from the long kiss, we looked into each others eyes and saw fire. I saw fire in her eyes.